41 and never realized it was this bad!

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ResetMe, Jul 26, 2015.

  1. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    I'm 41. I think I have some PIED. I seem to have many symptoms however at the same time many symptoms don't fit me. I do believe I have a problem, I'm a porn addict and a sex addict. I have abused some sort porn and masturbation since I was 12 or 13. I often get morning wood, and sometimes it last for a long time, I've never had a loss of sex drive, just not always able to perform. My problem is when it comes to performing. I often have trouble getting hard, and when I can I have a difficult time keeping it hard. I'm sick of going soft while getting oral or having intercourse, and having a high desire for it, before, during, and after. Problems started happening about 4-5 years ago. At first I just thought it was job related stressed. Then I thought it was health. Job stress never changed much, but I'm working on making a change. I turned my health around 180, I'm no longer overweight and at risk for many health problems. I'm more athletic than I've ever been in my life. I've even gotten competitive and entered a few events.

    When I first started having sex in my early 20's I had a problem with DE. I thought it was just too much MO, porn was pretty limited at the time, mostly low resolution pictures or poor quality videos. It took a while, I did ease up on the MO. In my college years I was probably MO 2x a day, once in the morning before going to school, and once before bed. I didn't have any issue connecting with people. Lots of friends of both sexes.

    After marriage my ex suggested I use porn, so I can leave her alone some of the time. I was wanting more than she wanted to give. Also it allowed for me to indulge in my kinks. My kinks seem pretty tame compared to what I read about. The biggest thrill was the number of people I could find who wanted to show me their bodies or parts of their body. I traveled a lot. I also MO to pictures of my ex, (wife at the time) So the whole time I was very attracted to her, and even when I fantasized it was often her acting out what I found. I often used the porn to get new ideas for things for us to do.... At the time I didn't think anything negative of it. The whole time I never had a problem connecting with people. I even often flirted with other girls. I feel many times I could have even had sex with some of them. They appeared to be looking for it. I never followed through, I felt that was crossing the line. I also have a huge fear of STD's and that may have been a strong helping factor. My sex drive has always been high.

    The more I learn the more I realize the problems I have. I've never preferred porn to real sex. I was constantly thinking about sex and objectifying women. I did briefly quit porn and masturbation when I first discovered yourbrainonporn about a year ago shortly after my divorce for a relationship that lasted nearly 2 decades finalized. I started thinking about divorce about 2 years ago when my ex-wife first cheated on me. Although porn was not a direct cause of my divorce I'm sure it had a hand in it. The divorce was much more because I choose poorly setting priorities in a wife. My ex-wife was a really free spirit and extremely experienced. This was one of the ways I was totally opposite.

    In the recent years I've found that it's been harder to have an erection at time during sex. Some of my favorite girls would also fail to give me erections. Unless they did something very new. Finding a new favorite seemed to help with having a erection. I still pathetically PMO with a semi.....

    I've been free of PMO 2 days now. Today was the first day I am trying NOA. I hope someday I can be the man my girlfriend deserves. I decided to take things very slow with my girlfriend. I didn't expect to have one this soon after my divorce. Shortly after the divorce and I got my health turned around I decided I needed to test out the waters. I started on dating sites. I attempted to contact 100's of women, maybe 20-30% of them responded. I even met and dated about 10 of them. About 1/2 of them were multiple dates. I also dated a few of the women at the same time, not having sex with any of them. After 2 months of this the dating was wearing me out. I continued seeing several of the women, and eventually 1 of them became my gf. But like I said I was taking things really slow. We emailed and texted for over a month before we met in person. I didn't even give her a real kiss until after many dates. It was months until I had oral sex with her. In this relationship sex was no longer my priority. We did eventually attempt intercourse. I was pretty excited as I was often hard just from making out with her. But then devastation as I went soft shortly after we started doing it. Little did I know the thoughts I had during this time prevented me from resetting. Our second attempt a while after was finally successful. During this time I attempted a reboot. I started around the time of the divorce and lasted about 6 months. However I didnt quit the ogling and fantasizing.

    Now I'm thinking of refraining from sex until further along in our relationship. As the same time, I'm quitting PMO. I think I also need NOA for 6 months to a year or more.
  2. DucatiRiderTX

    DucatiRiderTX New Member

    Welcome to the road less traveled. Your story sounds similar to mine. The symptoms are the first thing that indicate something is wrong and you start out thinking it's stress, health, meds or bad hair.

    The problem is years of thinking about sex the wrong way. We are conditioned so early on that life is about having sex with women. They are there for our using. Porn makes that easy. We can devour beautiful women at or discretion and they never say no. It makes it really difficult to turn that off in a regular relationship.

    I think you're on the right track with the hard mode reset. I went the exact same route as you with the online dating and I think it's made it worse in some respects. Now instead of porn you're sorting through hundreds of potential sex partners. We convince ourselves we want a good woman out of it eventually, but firs we want lots of sex. You can read my experience in my journal.

    Read the stickies on here and the educate yourself with Your Brain On Porn and you will see you're not alone. It's scarey how many of us there are out there. There is no quick fix, just untangling the mess we made over decades, but the results are worth it.
  3. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    A little recap of yesterday. NOA was tough. I did not lock myself in my house. Being out in the nice weather I saw attractive scantly clad women ever where. I was successful in not continuing to stare and eliminate the thought of them from my mind within a minute. Will need to work on improving that.
  4. Horton

    Horton Member

    It takes time ResetMe....at first I think you wind up looking at the women around you even *more*, like the brain is trying to rebel and get you back to the bad habits. Fight it hard especially at first, and you'll find that fairly soon it starts getting easier and easier to turn away and ignore it. When you think about what this habit does to you, it's worth the fight to resist these initial impulses you're going through.
  5. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Thanks Horton, I will keep at it!

    Yesterday was another tough day. I think I had one instance where I gave a girl a second glance, still no starring. I did manage to get them out of my mind quickly. I keep having to tell myself the women are not braless and pantyless for me to stare at.

    Woke up with morning wood and feeling tingley this morning. Little head wants me to release him, but I'm not going to do it. I will fight the urge. Maybe I'll try a cold shower?
  6. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Yesterday was tough. Had the urge to MO all day. But I did resist it. Didn't try the cold shower. Woke up with morning wood again. For sure I'd be having a wet dream last night, but didn't. Once again I have the urge to MO... Let have another successful day to resist.
  7. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    This feeling to MO will NOT go away. I woke up nice and early this morning, didn't have full MW, but was still slightly erect, even stayed that way for a good 3-5 min after I peed. Didn't track the exact time. Had a good bike ride for over an hour, but still have this burning itch to MO! Going to try a cold shower..... I'm glad I'm fight the urge to PMO....
  8. Horton

    Horton Member

    Hang in there and keep fighting ResetMe. These strong urges you're feeling now are the addiction talking. Its voice will get quieter as time goes on.

    A lot of guys will talk about the flatline that typically starts somewhere around 1-2 weeks after stopping PMO. You may experience that, or may not, but regardless, every day you resist the urge to MO will make it easier to resist it the next day.
  9. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    I can't wait till that day Horton! Man today was tough!!! I had to deal with a double trigger.

    Trigger alert, going to try my best not to not to make it a trigger for people.

    Planed a playdate for my kids today. And I took them out for dinner. The other child's mom decides to join us. She's been divorced for a while... Dressed in a little summer dress, and looking like a absolute knockout... Did my best not to stare.

    Then as I finished getting groceries tonight as I walk out, in comes a cutie, dressed in some low cut romper. Was she trying to be naked!? It was obvious her boobs were about to fall out. Started turning around to go back in the store, and suddenly thought to my self, WTF am I doing! Dopamines were surging!!! But no erection, so things are right....

    End Trigger K, cold shower did not help. Been horny as hell all day, now it's so hard to keep those 2 thoughts out of my mind....

    But not gonna do it. I'll die first!
  10. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Woke up with MW. This is starting to be pretty much daily, this must be good, right? Other than being horny as hell and resting the urge to MO, everything seems ok. Took the kids to the pool, not sure what to think of this. Maybe it was being in the water and the pressure of the water?? I had a spontaneous erection that probably lasted 10-20 min while I was in the pool. There were some cute women leaving the pool as I was getting there, but that was over 20 min before I sprung to life. Doing my best to keep out the thoughts and ogling. It's tough!
  11. life of wife

    life of wife Member

    Hey resetme...

    The first time my hubby rebooted he was very similar to you...in fact he originally felt because he only really had PIED he didn't really believe it was porn issue. I know for a fact he spent his time ogling too I saw on too many occasions.

    Your at 7 days the early days are the hardest you have to analyse everything. Before the reboot and being conscious of any real issues (I am guessing) you got horny, you sorted it out. Now your sat there thinking wtf. It May feel like your on the dark-side for many of the early days but the light does come through from it.

    Try not to make the same mistakes we made, again going back to hubby's first reboot he seemed healed within weeks and we were like, bonus. He wasn't and it was a 3 year cycle of working, not working. We basically tried to rush it and what we have learned very much is that although some men can and do heal faster than others but some take longer it's certainly not done in a matter of weeks!

    If you haven't read gabe deems blog and watched his clips then I would definitly suggest it. This had so many answers for my Oh to some of his questions. There are some very good journals on here one of the good ones of the successful rebooters is LTE. He not only rebooted but his whole attitude on sex, porn etc changed which he documents very well.

    When your ogling these women it may be worth thinking of something else...easier said than done but try an anxiety grounding technique there are lots on the Internet, simple basic steps to focus your mind elsewhere! I use these personally when I get stressed out and the stress I have at the time dissipates much faster and then when I calm I analyse why I stressed out but by this time I am calm, it may not be for you, but, You are going to see some real beauties every day of the week and that cannot be changed unless you become a hermit. So having a coping technique for type of trigger could be helpful.

    Well done on the first 7 days fella 8)
  12. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Thanks for your encouragement just a wife, ps, your not just a wife, your husband is lucky and blessed to have you as part of his life. I've went through your thread and can also share many feelings your husband must be going through. I've been busy at work and have a exercise competition I need to complete this week, 40 miles down and 10 to go. I'll comment on your thread next week once I have all my thought gathered. But reading your post has really brought a new aspect to my thinking.

    This is my second attempt to reboot. The first time I didn't get as much information as I should, I think I got some results, but it's hard to tell as I was going through a somewhat celibate stage. I wished I journal-ed so I could look back, so I'm trying to keep some notes this to know how my mind and body are doing.

    Woke up with MW, and had some intense sexual dreams. My subconscious brain keeps on telling my hand to do it's job, but my conscious brain will not let it. I'm not gonna fail. I have been focusing my mind not to think of sex. Everywhere I look there is temptation for my brain, it's hard work not to stare and think, but I need to re-train. I have to!
  13. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Okay, a lot going on this weekend. Morning wood every morning. I got to see my GF, and this was a week I had my kids so she also brought her kids and we all had a great time. While giving her a quick peck I started getting about a 50%. We spent Saturday at a theme park, and a few times I brushed against her with some playful touching in a very pg-13 way with so many kids around plus our kids around also, I started getting a slight response, once again about 50%. Gave her a quick good night kiss at the end of the night did bring a full on 100% erection, but no time to act on it, which was also good, I don't think it's a good idea to go for a O this early. Was pretty much feeling horny all weekend. Some of the mom's at the park were not so pg-13, but did my best to look away as quickly as I could. Only getting wood for my girl, hope I can get full wood when I need it.

    Had a really bad trigger tonight. My friend was on tinder, there was a girl in an open relationship. Profile pic was a thin white t-shirt. Pretty much porn..... Have a really strong urge to MO, but no erection. Not gonna do it tonight. We are too far along now, not gonna go back.
  14. plumbean

    plumbean needs to clean my act up!

    Good luck to you.I will go thru this with u.Just starting off myself.
  15. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Be strong plumbean, you have a choice. Choose to be free!
  16. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Still waking up with MW, urge to MO is still super strong. Very hard to NoA. have a few glances her and here, but turning away as fast as I can. Often see some triggers and start having thought. Also trying to shut those down as fast as I can. Waiting for this to get easier.
  17. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Drifted out of sleep a little earlier this morning. But I was still tired, and decided to sleep a few more minutes. Noticed I didn't have MW. 30 min later and it was time to wake up, with full MW! I had to pee earlier? What's going on? Well since I don't search for porn anymore maybe I'll have time to figure this out....

    Still horny as hell, I want to PMO or even just MO.... But...... I'm not hard, how can I MO???? I think my brain is trying to trick me..... Oh I want to open another tab and type some magic words into google....... But I'm not gonna do that. I want to just starting fantasizing, replaying old memories....... But I'm not gonna do that. I don't want to be spending the rest of my life sitting in front of my computer, looking at porn, and stroking a soft dick having a pathetic orgasm.

    I want to have a raging hard-on in front of my gf and show her what kind of stud she's dating!

    I know your trying to trick me, it's not gonna happen, if you want it you will need to go and get it!

    What I'm going to do is shutdown this browser. And I'm gonna go to work. I'm gonna stop these thoughts to PMO as soon as I notice I'm having them. I'm not gonna stare and the cleavage passing me by or sitting across from me. I'm not gonna stare at the ass walking in front of me. I'm not gonna wonder what those heals, and legs are connected to....
  18. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Finally finished BBoP NoA summary and learned a lot. I'll be updating the first post with lots more background info.

    Today was a pretty big day for me. I started getting a spontaneous boner for no reason as I was driving today! Wow, it's been a long time since that has happened. Hopefully I'm making a little progress.

    Another thing I noticed, it's not as hard to not ogle so much anymore. There were a few good opportunities today, I seem to pass them by without much thought. I started thinking about how bad it was before.... I objectified women so bad, I didn't care if they looked good or had a good body. I pretty much wanted to stare at any girl in a dress, shorts, skirt, anything..... If they didn't have a good face, I would just focus on neck down. if they didn't have a good body, then I would think about all the things I could do to their mouth and face..... If they didn't have a good face or body, I would focus on what sexy clothing they were wearing, or went without..... The only time I didn't look is if they did not have a good face, body, or didn't wear something sexy. Now I still want to look, but it does not bother me that much if I don'n act on it. And I'm getting more picky about who I would even want to look at....

    Other stuff was just regular. Woke up with MW, horny as hell all day long.
  19. mitch

    mitch Want recovery. Am here to support and be supported

    You are doing great resetme fighing and resisting the urge to MO. So many good looking women
    out there. Ironically as an addict, I miss the 80's. More women dressed pg13 than nowadays.
    Now, i have to try to catch myself not ogling women. Thank goodness to recognize in this
    forum that i am not alone. Keep up the good fight.
  20. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Yes, things were easier back in the 80's. I noticed something as I walked by Victoria's Secret recently. They have really seemed to change their lineup. It's not just the men that are getting desensitized. Women are also getting desensitized. I remember 10 years ago a lot of the stuff they are currently selling at VS would have been sold at Fredrick's and the women at VS would have considered it trashy and would not wear it....

    Today, once again hot women everywhere. I caught myself doing a few quick glances, stopped well before I started staring. Gotta remember, only look at the eyes..... Had a little time to spend with my GF, just some hand holding and light kissing. Didn't get any wood.... But I do feel a little wet.... Not sure if I should be disappointed or not... Had no intentions of making anything happen tonight. Still horny as hell. Thinking back, I actually didn't have my mind on sex at all. We just enjoyed our company and time together.

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