40plusyears

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by waroo14, Apr 18, 2012.

  1. waroo14

    waroo14 New Member

    Hello people,
    I found this site through yourbrainonporn which i found through no more mr nice guy. YBOP may be the most important website that i have ever visited!!! The explanations of how the physiology of my brain has been screwed up by my 40 plus years use of porn makes so much sense, is so quantitative not qualitative that it is like i've just stepped out of 40 years of solitary confinement.

    I'm 53 years old. I have masturbated to porn since i was 10 or 11 years old. I work in IT i've been a heavy user of internet porn since the mid 90's. I've wasted months of my life, neglected important relationships with my partners, children, friends and at work. Lived with shame, self loathing and depression for decades. I'm a classic 'Nice Guy' with all the associated behaviors - i've tolerated awful relationships because of my fear of being alone, been manipulative, failed to speak up for my needs, etc etc. I've been in marriage and long relationships with wonderful women but who just weren't right for me but i was afraid to admit what i wanted. I've started working the No More MR Nice Guy breaking free exercises and will journal those on that websites forums.
    The slides in the YBOP videos could have been written about me. The need for more and more extreme porn which conflicted with my values. Problems with sex with a real women, all of it. I tried SA 12 step meetings a few years ago without much success. The 12 step format clashes with many of my values and beliefs, I want to get on with life and be looking forward not rehashing things i want to leave in the past over and over. Sex addiction and Porn addiction didn't seem to belong together even though it would seem they ought to, i had a really hard time relating to many other addicts stories of stippers, hookers and affairs and felt very misunderstood. I thought i was on my own and would have to somehow find a way to quit on my own (not very likely) until i came across no more mr nice guy, the book, the website and the forums - finally i felt understood. I read how often nice guys have sexual addiction problems. Some things start falling into place. I browsed the forums and read references to you YBOP and visited the site - Eureka!!! I bookmarked the site and a couple of days later started watching the videos that was March 27th i've abstained from PMO since then. The information in the slides just clicked for me in the same way the evidence for not smoking does. I've been triggered many times in the last 3 weeks but so far have been able to catch myself very quickly and reframe my thinking. I'm hopeful this will continue and that sharing my experiences with this community will help to keep me on track. Earlier in March i faced up to being in a relationship with someone i really like as a friend but am not romantically attracted too, and that this was not doing her or me any favors. My personal life is a mess. I'm very isolated have no close male friends. My closest friend is another woman who i'm obsessed with and deeply in love or infatuation with. Ugh what a mess! I can't even organize all this into a very coherent journal introduction.
    I'll be back with more hopefully organized comments. Thanks for reading
     
  2. Ben

    Ben New Member

    Thanks for posting Waroo. I followed everything you wrote. It was like reading my life story.
     
  3. liveinthenow

    liveinthenow New Member

    Thanks for sharing Waroo. I heard echoes of my own messed up relationship with my wife. We are fond of each other but haven't had sex in a decade. Part of it was the porn but that's jumbled in with some other issues.

    The "no more Mr. Guy" business sounds intruiging. I consider myself a nice guy (and if you read my journal you'll realize the overwhelming cognitive disarray my porn habits began to cause with that perception of myself) and I wonder if that has been part of why I strayed into porn?

    I shall investigate :eek:
     
  4. Hopefully

    Hopefully Guest

    Stay strong and go for your goal!

    I stopped PM the same day....March 27th. So we are running at the same time level. I wish you the very very best for the reboot!

    I'll follow your journal.... :D
     
  5. waroo14

    waroo14 New Member

    made it to 4 weeks

    I think this is the longest i've been masturbation and PMO free since i was 11 or 12 years old. Feel proud of myself and very grateful for finding the YBOP website. Had a very emotional conversation with female friend who i'm extremely attracted to last night, got rejected as anything but a friend. Would absolutely have used PMO in the past to try to feel better, this time i'm not taking that path. While i'm feeling sad and disappointed i also feel liberated to move ahead without always wondering what might have been. Blue balls are driving me nuts today not sure what's brought them on, going to have to pull out the cold water wash cloth when i get home.

    Thanks for reading and commenting.
     
  6. waroo14

    waroo14 New Member

    slipped up day 35, get up and keep going

    I slipped last night. Looked at porn for a few minutes and masturbated. Disappointed in myself regardless will try and learn as much as i can from it and carry on. Things i noticed - switched to a new med for sleep Doxepin - gave me wild and vivid dreams, many about looking at porn rather than about porn. Several times i woke up relieved i had only been dreaming and hadn't slipped. I masturbated 2 x in the past 5 days. No porn, no fantasy, extremely easy to orgasm really fast had to barely touch myself. At the time this seemed like a relief and i was thrilled about how little stimulation was required but now i think it increased my horniness even more and made slipping really easy. My biggest mistake maybe was i started my reboot without a specific goal in mind. I just want to stop using porn so didn't propose a certain number of days. I'm rebooting again with a goal of 60 days of no porn, masturbation or fantasy. I'm ready to start dating again and don't want the nasty enormous porn skeleton hiding in the closet anymore.
    I have a business trip coming up next week. In the past these had turned into porn fests in the evening with nothing better to do. Determined will not be the case this week. I will check in here every night.
     
  7. liveinthenow

    liveinthenow New Member

    Waroo, was just on a trip to the US and those lonely hotel rooms are a killer. Wish I'd worked out or something. Be careful!!
     
  8. hotspur

    hotspur New Member

    Don't be hard on yourself - I work in IT, lots of business trips, and would was far more likely to look at porn when away from home, so do check in here and stay keep your focus. The conversation with your female friend must have been disappointing, and maybe that was the trigger...you will have to find a new way to 'comfort' yourself when things aren't going to well. For me I would self medicate on booze or porn, or both (think I had a dual addiction). Anyway good luck.
     

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