40 years of addiction are over

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Paulier, Mar 7, 2012.

  1. gb0138

    gb0138 Guest

    Very similar to myself and my situation with my wife as far as porn and affecting the sexual relationship. I too thought I had depression but alas it was probably the porn habit causing all the problems.
  2. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Guys, you're so much stronger than I. If I could not turn to my wife for relief, I'm not sure I could make it. I hope you all find the renewed relationship with your ladies very soon. Why not reach out to her as your lover now? Or are you wanting to allow time for the reboot to take better hold? I believe we can have intimacy with our wives without losing ground, if it's possible for you to approach her. I know it may not be the right time for you but if you can, I feel going to her will help you abstain...

    Good luck and stay strong!!
  3. Trev

    Trev New Member

    Hi Paulier, thanks for sharing with everyone here.

    Thanks also for posting the Milarepa story. I am using meditation as part of my own reboot. I sit for once a day and just follow my breath.

    One thing that I have found with the discomfort of withdrawing from PMO, is to go into the discomfort itself. I have tried meditating on it, focusing on the discomfort and trying to pinpoint exactly where it is in my body or mind. Sometimes when I do this it just seems to dissipate and at other times I end up just watching and feeling the energy of it all. I have to be careful when I do try this technique, as earlier in my reboots when the urge to act was particularly strong, I just found it far easier to watch a movie to distract myself instead. Now thatI cam starting to feel a little calmer and more in control, I'll try and use this technique more often.

    Keep going!
  4. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Waiting for ED to subside...
  5. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    Thanks for the support guys - really appreciated.

    Trev- well done for meditating. I think this is a powerful tool for self-reflection. I also applaud your bravery in going into difficult feelings. I do this too and find it sometimes very illuminating. Very often the discomfort/frustration/desire turns into something else when I stay with it - something more like sadness or tenderness.

    I had a really good day today. I held my own in a very difficult situation at work and really felt on top of my game in a way that I don't think I've ever felt before. I feel confident and unflappable. People have often said to me that I come across as confident, but I've always felt panicky and worthless inside. Now the outside matches in the inside. I feel authentic for the first time in my life. Makes me feel a bit emotional...
  6. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    That's great!
  7. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    Major triggers today. At home working on the computer, bored and angry at some domestic shit. It's amazing how strongly imprinted the behavioral patterns are - I was looking under my bed for something and almost automatically started to get out and set up my PMO computer (which everyone thinks is broken). I used to do this in the glazed, robotic style of a junkie - resigned yet urgent, oblivious to anything but the drug. It was fairly easy to watch this feeling come and go. In the moment it feels like a loss - like I'm denying myself the chance of relief from the boredom and irritation. However, I now know that the wanks don't work, they just make you worse (sorry couldn't resist that one).

    Anyway, back to work. Ho hum.
  8. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Good job not giving in. Stay strong man, you are an inspiration!!!
  9. Trev

    Trev New Member

    It is great that you were able to watch the feelings come and go.

    It sounds like you are progressing and moving past this style now - that's great! I have realised myself how much/all? of my addiction was automatic -it's quite scary really. Anyway, more and more personal space and control comes as the reboot continues.

    Keep going!
  10. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    "It's amazing how strongly imprinted the behavioral patterns are - I was looking under my bed for something and almost automatically started to get out and set up my PMO computer (which everyone thinks is broken). I used to do this in the glazed, robotic style of a junkie - resigned yet urgent, oblivious to anything but the drug. It was fairly easy to watch this feeling come and go. "

    So true about the imprinted behavioral patterns. Being able to watch the feelings come and go--to me, that's the critical first step. If you know what's happening, then you at least have a choice about whether to surrender to the urge. Then it's a choice between controlling the urge, or the urge controlling you.

    Great work, Paulier.
  11. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    I know tonight is going to be difficult. The missus is out and I've had a tough week, so I want to kick back with some beers and relax. This will make the urges more insistent (I wonder if there's some neuro-chemical reason? I know that there's a definite neuro-chemical link between alcohol and higher nicotine use in smokers). Today is the first day that I have really felt that I might lapse - not to porn use, but just MO. Those insistent voices (like the Sirens from the Odyssey) that say "Go on, you deserve it, you're not using porn, it's natural, it would be wonderful to have the release, I wonder how great the orgasm would be" on and on. So far I just stay with it and let it be and it goes away. But I feel my resolve weakening a little. I think I need to be more determined!
  12. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    Re: 40 years of addiction are over - 30 days of freedom!

    Made it through the night. Loads of weird dreams, including having an orgasm after giving myself a BJ, but I didn't actually cum. I don't think this counts as a relapse - although I sometimes have lucid dreams and can control what I'm doing, this wasn't one of those times.

    So, 30 days. If you asked me 32 days ago whether there was any chance of me abstaining from PMO for a whole month I would have told you an emphatic 'no way'. This is all thanks to YBOP.

    I now need to start addressing the sexual thoughts I have about every good looking woman who I see on the street, on TV, everywhere. I'm going to start by trying to label the thoughts as they come up - 'wanting have sex with her' - and see what happens when I do this. I tried a bit last night and realised that I look at all pretty (or even half-pretty) women as potential sexual partners. Is this just the Coolidge effect? Or do I want something more - like their attention or appreciation? Or admiration? or love?
  13. hosea

    hosea New Member

    That is a crystal-clear reflection of my own thoughts on the matter, but stated fare more elegantly and succinctly than I ever could.

    I had to google the Coolidge effect. Fascinating stuff. I don't know if it's what you're going through, but it's worth pondering. I have to be very careful about my thoughts, too, and haven't found a good way to control them.

    Regardless, good luck. You can do this.

    - H
  14. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    So now I've done a whole month and it feels like I'm into new territory. First I was counting days, then weeks and now I can begin to count in months. Porn is getting to be more of a distant memory, but fantasies and want to fuck every attractive woman I see are really strong. I was fantasising heavily when I woke up about going to a high class hooker and getting her to do everything I wanted. I struggled with this for a bit - going into the fantasy and getting really excited and planning how I would do this and then stopping the fantasy and trying it make it go away. Then I read some of the thread I started about love on the addiction pages. Somebody said something on the thread which made me remember Kingsley Amis's quip when he finally lost his libido - that it was like finally being free after having been chained to an idiot for 50 years.

    I crap on in this journal about living with demons and staying with feelings, while all the time just hoping they'll go away. Truth is they won't. I am chained to an idiot and I've just got to get to know him better - his tricks, habits, strengths, weaknesses, what feeds him, what starves him - because he's not going to go away. Right now I'm going to take him down to the gym. He's really hoping there's some hot women down there he can fantasise about having sex with. I'll just try to do a good workout and not let him distract me too much.
  15. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    Oh yeah - and libidinous idiots can be fun too! It's not all doom and gloom man! I've just got to remember that they come up with really crap ideas and plans...
  16. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Congrats on making it a month! Quick question: did you have sexual thoughts about women you saw on tv and in public when you were heavy into PMO? Or is this just somethign that has appeared since you gave it up?
  17. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    I've always had these sexual thoughts about women - I could never pass an attractive woman without looking at her. The difference now is that I want to fuck them; when I was jacking off every day it was just another trigger to PMO - which I think was a way of getting some kind of control (I can't have you, but I can avoid you having sexual power over me because I can see all the naked women I want on the internet)
  18. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    yeah, that's what I thought was the case. Personally, I feel that what you have now is a good sign, in the sense that it's the reappearance of the real (non-porn-induced) libido. I'm still in Flatinlineland, so I'm not certain on this, but I think when I get to your point I'll be much happier with my overall situation.
  19. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Congratulations, Paulier.

    And, thanks again for sharing your experiences here. I've found your posts most helpful, particularly given our similar age/situation.

    I agree that we're chained to our respective idiots for the foreseeable future. I guess the key is to keep it that way--that is, we need to be the men in control of the idiots we're chained to, rather than the idiots dragging down the men we were/want to be.
  20. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    Damn right Spinergy. If I understand how things work, I can keep control and enjoy being a man. Somebody said on another thread "Of course men look at women as sexual objects!". I think if I can see this in context, i.e. understand fully what's going on, then I can experience this without it overwhelming me and my perception. Feels like a way forward for me.

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