38yo, I will overcome this too (PIED)

Topic says PIED, but its that + Performance and social anxiety, a bag of insecurities, many stemming from childhood I suspect.

I've gotten myself out of a hole of body shame, poor health, poor mental health, I've been in my entire life really, except the last 9 months. Mostly with diet (carnivore), and so many aspects of my life/health are improved but the last two weeks have proven there is alot of damage to still heal and overcome.

My sexual experience were limited to making out with a few girls before I was 25, and visiting a couple of sex workers also before 25, to overcome insecurities and anxiety. Well, didnt work so well but chalked the ED up to the couple of beers I had to muster the courage and also masturbating in the hotelroom to the thought I was going to experience the real thing soon.

So in late 2022 I made alot of changes and this june I thought I got to go see some SW's to get rid of these insecurities with women I still have. Maybe then I would have the guts to speak, and escalate with women. Well, I researched and saw all the amazing women that were offering their services willingly and independently in a nearby country, where it is legal too. I think I masturbated 6-7 times the day I saw what I was able to with money experience and this pretty much continued for a couple of days. The new fix was found since I been tired of porn for years now. I actually injured the skin on my dick. Probably me having worked out for a while now, perfect diet, feeling handsome, springfeelings, and you name it (the new fix) increased testosterone and libido. I was laughing when I got hard-on after hard-on, and kind of happy a man nearing his 40's still could go all day. If only a woman wouldve been there, I thought. Now in hindsight I realize it probably would have only killed my orgasm-streak.

I've seen triggerwarnings here so everything from now on might be that.

Anyways, I cut down on masturbating the weeks before my trip (once or twice) and finally got to my first girl, a petite girl in my taste, very nice and overall serviceminded. But from a country far away, I always dreamed of "the girl next door". She was not it. I was a nervous wreck but I got a decent hard-on, she was still something jaw-dropping. I was kind of nervous about the condom but she had such a good bj I could maintain erection for a while but when it came to penetration there was not enough stimuli, erection died down and it snowballed from there. Met girls after that that should've turned me on even more, among those a gorgeous young girl, body to die for and ticked the girl next door box so well and so new in the business I got to learn her a few tricks like putting on the damn condom (which I still was kind of blaming) on a limp dick with the mouth. Only way to get it on really, if not hard. Anyways, same story erection so-so, actually managed to have sex with her for a bit but had to give up. I managed to get her pretty comfortable with hands and mouth, she stayed for hours longer than agreed with me and I was walking on clouds after this despite ED. Still hard to kick her out of my head.

Two more girls, one insanely hot woman only a few years younger than me and praised by other sexbuyers so def experienced but I was in such a downward spiral she only got short bursts of half-erections out it. It wakes up briefly but then dies down and after a while its just not a lifesign down there. It really hurts having dream girls naked beside you and not being able to even get horny, as most of you know.

Anyways, after a life of no intimacy, kissing, skin on skin-contact the money was well spent and I atleast really enjoyed that. I only saw girls that offered that.

After this little trip I cant even get hard to porn, I had to try now after the last experience. I think I stressed so much and was so anxious about meeting these amazing women the last thing my body wants is sex so I think the first weeks will be easy. I have not watched porn or had the urge too for about 1,5 months now except small tests to see if my ED is mental or physical.

I'm gonna go work on this for atleast a year now and perhaps return next year. If the magic of no porn has not gotten my lazy ass to get a girlfriend, I atleast feel confident enough to perhaps try and get a girl to sleep with me. I will probably get a prescription for the blue pill to get over performance anxiety. My earlier insecurities about being a fish out of water in bed is kindof gone, now its only the dick that has to stand.

My regiment will include no porn of course, quit nicotine, keep up with diet, start lifting heavy, keep up long cardio-vascular sessions (cycling) and increase VO2-max. I am not sure how to go about the near-total lack of sensation when it comes to condoms. I am not convinced not touching your dick actually restores nervedamage from deathgripping that fast. I've seen people have success with fleshlights+condoms and so on, but I do not want practice of that kind to interfer with me getting out there and finding myself a partner.

 

Last time I watched porned and masturbated was 22th. Today I hit the gym, at the first opportunity to do so (been traveling). I feel no urge to watch porn, I am at the moment disgusted with the thought of it - realizing the damage it has done to me and my life. Finding it hard to get aroused, however I get easily attracted to women I used to not really get turned on by - women slightly older than me in atleast decent shape. That's some progress atleast, in this short while. No morning wood to speak of, but I had this itchy skin on my dick and balls after washing it to much. I get a boner when I itch to much. Damn itch, when I planned to not even touch my dick for months - learning it that it has a new reality now.

The hardest part for me going forward will not be anything like getting myself to the gym, eating perfect, it will be actually finding someone to try if I suffer from PIED or any other type of ED with. This might make me frustrated after a couple of months. It's the social aspect of things that have always been most difficult for me. Hoping not jerking off every day or every other day atleast will make social anxiety less debilitating.

 

11 days. Went to see the doctor who encouraged me to watch porn and masturbate 4-5 times a week. "It's healthy". Fucking idiot is what I was thinking, but I respectfully disagreed. Especially after he suggested I get a steady sexual partner, I agreed that would be optimal (and a complete dream for me, at the moment a pipe dream in my head) but asked him why would I want to do that when I can sit home and jerk off? Your appetite is not the best when full. Hungry wolfes hunt best.

Anyways, he rescheduled me for more talk about my erection issues. I just want to get bloodwork done (for fun) and a pill to maybe carry me over the edge next time opportunity presents itself, I was there for a another reason to begin with so not a lot of time to discuss.

I am one who has a habit of touching and scratching my dick when restless alone or surfing the web, now when I do I get a hard-on. Got to work on stop doing that. Not because of the hard-on but because I want this dick to not feel a hand, no nothing for atleast a month.

Not a big difference in energy, but I feel something is revving up for sure. Started to sleep a bit better, I think honestly over 80% of times me jerking off through the years has been to fall asleep easier. Sleep has always been a problem for me.

 

I have exposed myself to some visual stimulation (not real porn, but am watching explicit sex education by stirling cooper.. Which is pretty much the same thing) and tried to get a good hard-on. It's not really there, like 80%-90% tops for short bursts. When I was doing this it was kind of hard stopping, but no real problem really.

Ordered a bath mate, not really to increase size but many are saying harder and longer erections is a bonus effect of using it.

 

Coming up on two weeks, and over a month since my masturbation-mania mentioned in my first post, the last time feeling extremely horny and keeping erections without fault for like 2 days straight. It's going well, I have to say. Confidence is good, all social interactions are interesting, fulfilling and not a chore. At work it's affecting my performance since I find talking to people alot more interesting than doing my work.

Today at the supermarket after my workout I got a look from a tall, skinny "goth" girl probably in early 20's I cant remember ever getting. Not with a smile or anything, just an intense stare in my eyes I noticed when looking up from the food I was grabbing. She gave me another look over her shoulder when going away. To be clear, I dont know if my sex-deprived mind is starting to imagine things, I'm just not buying that girls "sense" you have not came for a long time. Probably just my carefree-look (also feel carefree, but still extremely attracted to women), unshaved, and in my sweatpants and hoodie. Usually dress decently decently and take a shower when going to public places, but that probably only added to my aura of desperation over the years. I feel the treshold to go talk to ANY girl has been significantly lowered but 38 years of not doing it is still stopping me, kind of. Well, her mom or some older lady joined her directly after and any thought of saying something to this woman was gone.

 

Two weeks, No urges to masturbate or watch porn (still disgusts me, cause of the damage done). I am feeling some pictures of lightly dressed women one does come across in this society provoke somewhat of a response in my penis. No wet dreams I can remember and no nightly ejaculations as I can notice.

Things are going well, lots of energy and there is no problem working out everyday. Always had a problem getting myself to go and do it. Once I was there, never a problem. Now I just put one foot in front of the other without a second thought. Just expected my libido to pick up more by now, for example being horny as hell without stimulation just sitting at home doing nothing.

 

Cant stop touching my dick. Used a lot of moisturizer on that area since masturbation and sex-mania and not masturbating seems to have made the skin so soft and nice.

Getting erections here and there - usually when stimulated by touching dick or reading erotic shit which I should really quite since it's through a screen. Morning wood some mornings lately. I feel things are moving in the right direction, however mood has dipped a bit. Fearing the famous flatline.

 

Mood significantly worsened. Factors except nofap that might affect mood - been eating worse and I injured myself at the gym so I'm out for atleast a week.

 

20 days - I really long for a GF, so much it's painful. More for intimacy than sex, weird. I dream of skin on skin-contact, not PiV-action. It's like I need to be comforted more than anything at the moment. Well, I am kind of down compared to last week. I have been semi-planning a trip in september, and was thinking I might see some SW's, probably a bad idea since I wont even be at 90 days (semi-hard mode) but I don't know how to measure progress on the PIED otherwise. This however leads me to be buried in my phone looking at the options, reading forums and so on. This is not healthy, not helping my recovery and needs to stop. I really struggle not being able to work-out due to injury. Lifting and doing long cardiosessions (4-5h) was a life saver. Now I can't even walk properly, hope I heal fast otherwise I'm in for a tough time.

Despite all this I dont feel the urge to watch porn, and even masturbate. I am still disgusted at it, for what it has done to me, but my body is definitely itching for a woman to the point of it being painful.

 

21 days - One thing that is undeniable by now or so is flaccid penis size. My limp dick is huge (by my standards), like it only has been in the past when coming off a very hard erection or due to circumstanses you never really could put your finger on. I have often wanted to look like this when being in saunas, looker rooms and showers. This is 24/7, even when it's slightly cold and dick usually looks more like a shrimp than anything.

I'm suddenly a shower, not a grower...

 

23 days - My injury is healing. I can do cardio again. No heavy lifting though. Still, putting all the energy to use seems to be key. Without expending some of it I get restless, start to eat bad shit and I'm sure even relapsing if I let it go to far. Even though I have not even been close. Fucking hate porn, hate masturbation...

 

24 days - Mood is fine again, seems to be work that disturbed my routines and mood mostly and I'm off this week. Horniness is killing me right now. Not close to masturbating but dick-touching and the general non-porn internet-dopamine kicks is hard to combat. Traveling to a more populated place this week, might go out and try to socialize with some women, or start the ol' tinder up again. However my photos is really sub-par there so does not work great. I don't care if I suffer from PIED still, it will be frustrating but getting a woman in bed might calm me down even if unable to have PiV-sex. Will try my hardest to avoid the paid options.

 

Think dick-sensitivity is returning, despite of all my dick-touching. Glans is feeling like when I was a teenager. Got a random hard-on trying to sleep, actually a quality one that lasted until I stopped focusing on it. Just touching the outside of the foreskin feels really nice.

Mood is so-so. No superhuman confidence, and horny and longing for girls but not really doing much about it. I need a mindset shift.

 

Tomorrow is one month. Not much as changed, mood and confidence is down. Havent been able to work out as much, that affects things.

Also been reading alot of erotic stories - the ones with a story too, BDSM ones. I am becoming sexually deviant (or maybe this d/s dynamic really is the normal, and vanilla sex is not, who knows). I dont, maybe I am returning somehow to my normal sexuality that has never really got a chance to emerge. Or I'm so damaged erotic stories and BDSM is just another novelty in the search for something new to turn me on. Many hard and lasting erections, not sure if I would have been able to get hard to written text before, even if it's hot as f. Just hoping it does not damage or hinder my healing to much... any input?

 

Over a month without porn, without masturbation. I feel good, but not amazing. Been slacking on other areas of my life. Food, excercise, general self-improvement and getting my shit together. Excuses include being injured, coming down with cold, working alot etc. Not valid excuses actually, you can always do something instead of nothing.
Well, atleast i'm not fapping or even have the urge to do so. Especially not to porn. But continuing down these path of relapsing in other areas of my life will surely lead to fapping my life away to porn again so it's really time to get a hold of myself these coming days.

 

Went to another doctor with the erection-problems. He prescribed Cialis right away so next time opportunity presents itself I will use that. I am going on a trip next week and will have sex. It will be almost 40 days of no fap, no porn by then. I have not had a wet dream, and not noticed any nightly ejaculations. I find it a little bit weird, then again my sleep has not been amazing.

 

~1,5 months in and my erection problem is better. A picture or a thought can get me hard during the days. But theres more... today I had sex after 'hardmoding' it all this time. I used cialis, and managed to get some actual penetration-time in.

Now the next problem is here, I can't come... which to me is insane after not doing so for almost 50 days. But I guess im still to used to the hand. Theres was good sensation now, actually almost to much or to little, never that sweetspot the own hand provides... No matter what the poor girl did it didnt get me especially close and then I am there in my head and even the erection starts to vane. Never went fully doft during stimulation though.

Now I am debating if I should jerk it out to somehow maybe unclog the pipes or something, or sit here with blue balls and try again tomorrow.

Any thoughts and tips on how to move forward will be appreciated.

 

Hi man,
I had DE and couldn't come with condoms when I was still watching porn.
For me 90 days of nofap fixed that.
However I also had some performance anxiety and nofap cannot fix that but positive experiences can.
I don't think fleshlight + condom is recommendable.
Abstience increases the sensitivity with time.

 

Thanks for the reply man. I actually had some progress since writing a couple of days ago - really beat down. I went to a masseuse, figuring a professional lingam might do the trick on tuesday after I wrote that. Possibly the best looking girl I have laid my eyes on... so extremely my type and amazing erotic massage but when it game to the penis-massage not much progress. She couldnt get me over 30-40% of the way and I even softened after a while. She seemed kind of dissappointed and put off which makes things even worse.

Yesterday I contemplated things and decide to jerk off. This pent up energy was making me more anxious than anything. Took like 3 minutes without porn ofc and not even much of fantasy. I actually discovered I had forgotten to do sustained kegels earlier. I cant come without doing it, not sure if its the same for everyone. This orgasm hurt more than anything. The amount of cum was something else... but still felt I relearned how to orgasm somehow.

Today I went to another masseuse, also 10/10 girl and she managed do make me come... She had to use some force and cadence through (but not like max max) , I almost got in my head wondering if she can keep this up long enough but managed to refocus quick enough on the present moment. Damn, I think I made a mess of the place, the cum shot straight in my face and behind it.... Anyways, felt so damn good that the potential mental block even orgasming with another person in the room, was out of the picture.

After that I had sex, was actually ~80% on the way to orgasm with condom... A couple of hours after already coming once. Found one position that worked and had good sensation, but took little to much work for both of us so couldnt keep it up for long enough. Without a condom it would've been a done deal and I would have orgasmed during PiV-sex. Still some trouble in other positions without that much sensation going soft-ish. Weird how much difference it can be with different positions.

Now stimulation can get me hard again atleast. However, been on 5-10mg cialis each day.

The most important side note is, I went and talked to a bunch of good-looking young girls on the street after these good experiences. Had one really good experience there too, with one girl walking with me giggling and all. This from barely daring to ask directions.

Things are looking up. Now back to abstinence. The fap-part is reset to 1 day but I know progress is so much further along than the 1 day-mark in back in July when my dick was totally dead.

 

Day 1 (again). Day 50 porn-free. 3 orgasms last 2 days and my libido is through the roof. Boner after boner, produced from a pretty face, my dirty mind, something I didnt even realize and often I'm discovering the boner by suprise almost, not exactly feeling aroused.
Still erections with women rely on meds, constant stimulation and so on. The stimulation part really gets me, since it's like kissing a women - erection. Kissing a women for too long, erection dies. Need to perhaps touch her pussy. Or do something else. Constant new dopamine needs to be injected. Classic highspeed PIED. Mixed in with probably being somewhere on the spectrum which makes focusing on being present, sensations and all that at the same time really difficult.

Anyways, all above thoughts are now shut off as best I can. No masturbation, no porn (I wonder why this is so easy for me when others struggle so much, I'm afraid the urge to watch porn will suddenly hit me like a truck), no erotic stories, no tinder, no youtube (this will be a huge struggle), and just self improvement in all areas. I will have a normal life, with a healthy, normal relationship...