38-year-old virgin

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Londoner, Mar 25, 2016.

  1. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Hi Londoner

    Next time, try asking: Is it ok to give you a kiss? We so often assume that we, as guys, have to do all of the move-making and work this all out in our heads. But if you add this tiny little step, asking her, it will get everything outside of your head and into a place where she will clearly know what you are thinking.

    I might use it too... if I ever get to the point of trying to date again.

    Anyway, I hope that your trip to Oz was life-changing!
  2. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Will reply later, but for now just checking in to say I made it through the whole of January clean again!
    Rengaw, TheScriabin, cjm and 2 others like this.
  3. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Setting off home today. I won't lie, although I've been distracted enough to stay away from PMO throughout the trip, I've still thought about it a lot.
  4. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^Hey man, that’s totally normal. You did great.

    Hope you had an awesome trip!
  5. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Holiday was great, Australia is a beautiful country.

    I actually reached my second highest streak of 41 days clean from the beginning of the year, but relapsed after getting back from my trip. Back to 6 days clean now and feeling confident!
    Thebeg likes this.
  6. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    During your trip, did you have any insights about what kind of man you are / want to be? Being out of your normal environment is a great way to gain new perspective! Keep that momentum going!
  7. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    That didn't last, and March was pretty much a write-off with regards to no PMO, but I've made it to one week clean again now and that was in a pretty quiet week where I've had nothing to distract me.

    I don't think so. I didn't make any lifelong friends or anything, and I'm fine with that. I've always been the kind of person who doesn't make new friends easily, but I do wish I'd made more of the opportunity to perhaps push myself a bit more out of my comfort zone. I plan to book another trip soon.
    Gil79 likes this.
  8. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    So, have you been intimate with a woman yet? If so, did you get an sort of erection?

    I still havent been able to get intimate with a woman and so I was wondering how guys like us (older virgin) would fare, from a sexual functioning point of view.
  9. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Read "The Porn Trap" for sensual recovery, really helped me..
  10. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Nope. I'm not even that bothered right now, I just feel a bit empty, like I'm coasting. I've been allocated therapy on the NHS again though, so we'll see how that goes.
  11. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    I was a bit worried about going to see the therapist today. I told him that I've been feeling empty, purposeless, coasting, but that I prefer that to the deep depressive episodes and think that starting therapy again now might take me backwards instead of forwards.

    Even the main cause of my depression, my lack of relationships, isn't really preying on my mind too much at the moment. Plus, work is actually going quite well at the moment and I don't want to jeopardise that as I have before by sinking into depression due to drawing out suppressed thoughts and feelings in therapy.

    He's booked me in for another session but said I can cancel if I still don't want to continue.
  12. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    i recently cancelled therapy as i was on a waiting list and it came up

    i think perhaps the best reason not to do it is if you think you dont need it, i know what you mean about drawing out the thoughts and feelings. i do think it can be really helpful though

    do you think you are lacking personal goals? maybe thats why you feel a bit lost? i need a goal/something to work for - or a few is better
  13. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    From my own experience of therapy, I can only say that I never went to one session where I thought "that was a waste of time" or that I felt worse than I did going in. I always was glad that I went. Some sessions were amazing, others weren't hugely useful but still had some value. However, you get out what you put in. One day spent 15minutes just staring at the therapist, working up the courage to say what I was thinking.

    If it's free, then I don't see any point in not going. If you don't think it's helping, then just quit and try something else.
  14. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I think therapy is essential for exploring certain issues that you need to excavate. You can be surprised by what comes up. That apathetic, coasting along feeling can be worse than depression sometimes because we stop exploring our feelings. I feel really scared when I’m no longer feeling anything.
    Last edited: May 10, 2019
    Thebeg and Pete McVries like this.
  15. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    The thing is, I don't mind feeling like this right now, it's actually benefiting me at work. I'll go back for another appointment next Friday, and see how I feel after that.

    I've definitely felt worse after some individual sessions, and they say it's normal to feel worse before feeling better. But overall, therapy was beneficial - I just feel it might be the wrong time for it just now.

    Maybe. I have a slight ambition to get promoted at work this year, but it wouldn't be any great disaster if I didn't. I've also booked another holiday for the autumn, so that's something to look forward to, but maybe some specific, achievable goals would be helpful.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  16. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    I was actually feeling pretty good in the two weeks leading up to last Friday. Hardly depressed at all, which for me is a huge win! Then on Friday I had my session with the therapist and it's just brought feelings of sadness and anger back to the surface again. As for no PMO, I've barely been trying.
  17. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Are you seeing a generic therapist or someone who specialises in compulsive sexual behaviour? I would recommend the latter. It's inevitable that therapy may bring uncomfortable emotions to the surface, but that's OK. It's better to accept reality and work through your problems rather than living in denial
  18. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    I'm seeing a generic therapist, but it's about my depression rather than porn addiction. In fact, I haven't even brought it up.
  19. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    7 days clean.

    I've just watched a TV programme called Addicted to Porn, featuring Gabe Deem from Reboot Nation. It was a bit triggering in places, but the talk about escalating tastes did hit home. I've recently moved on to cam sites and it's definitely the novelty that keeps me going back - even if it's the same girl, she's never doing exactly the same thing as last time. Bit of a missed opportunity not covering cam sites on the programme as it seems that's the way it's heading these days. They also talked about how what used to be considered hardcore is now pretty much softcore thanks to magazines such as Loaded (whose editor also spoke on the programme) setting the way in the '90s-'00s.
  20. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    10 days clean, but struggling with pornographic thoughts today. Right now I feel like PMO is something I need, but I know I'll feel terrible afterwards so need to keep it together!

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