38-year-old virgin

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Londoner, Mar 25, 2016.

  1. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Zero libido today, no interest in women or porn. I could happily stay like this if I didn't feel so embarrassed and ashamed about being a 37-year-old virgin, while people half my age have no problems in meeting girls.

    Sorry for the self-pity, but I'm really depressed and need an outlet.
    cjm likes this.
  2. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Go to the gym and work out, as you should be doing 2-3 times a week anyway ;)
  3. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Actually woke up with some morning wood this morning, about 60-70% hard, though that means bad temptations are returning too.

    Felt incredibly depressed with suicidal thoughts on the commute home. I don't intend to act on them, but that doesn't stop them occurring. All I could think of as an antidote was PMO, but felt better when I got home and went to the gym. I felt weaker than usual though, so didn't manage all my usual sets.
  4. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Have you tried that hypnotherapy?

    Hope you are doing better this evening
  5. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Only once, though I've tried similar ones before. I'll play it again now.
  6. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Got an e-mail from a dating site for 30% off subscription. I'm tempted to subscribe but worried that looking at pictures will trigger a relapse.
  7. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Hmm, could potentially disable images for the site? And then look at someone's picture if you are getting on well with them.

    I know that is a bit left-field, but could potentially be quite a wholesome thing to do. Though I'm not sure how dating websites work really.
  8. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    I relapsed after three weeks anyway. Still considering the dating site.

    Pretty depressed right now, but e-mailed the therapist I saw last year and told him I've been having suicidal thoughts lately and asked if I can see him again. He always was a bit slow to reply, so I'll just have to wait and see what he says.
  9. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    It turned out that there's been a reshuffle of the NHS services around my area, which might be why my previous therapist didn't reply. Anyway, I've put in another application for therapy.

    Met with @TheScriabin and @cjm last week, would be good to do that again soon.

    I'm also looking again at doing some solo travel in the New Year, maybe to Australia.
    TheScriabin and cjm like this.
  10. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Hey Londoner just checking in, its been a while. How've you been? It seems like you are still in the same pit as before. Serious changes need to be made man. You cannot expect different results with the same amount of effort put in. If you are putting in more effort maybe its the philosophy that needs to change. Good luck. I am praying for you.

    I am on the nofap forums, there is more activity there and more support. Give it a try if you can.
    Thebeg likes this.
  11. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Haven't posted in quite a while due to various reasons, but I feel the main one is the lack of activity on these boards lately. I think it had already started to decline before I even joined, but it really took a nosedive when the boards went offline for a few weeks and there was no way of even contacting the administrators. I feel a lot of people never returned after that.

    I don't know if I will continue here or move somewhere else. Either way, thanks to everyone who has given their support and encouragement on this journal. I've even met three of you in person (@cjm, @Thebeg, @TheScriabin) and you're all great guys!

    Happy New Year, by the way! I don't know what 2019 has in store or what my approach to it will be yet, but 2018 is a low benchmark to start from. Of course, I still want to quit PMO and lose my virginity, but obviously I need to make even bigger changes to my attitude and approach than I have done so far. I still think TRP may hold some answers here. We'll see.
  12. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Hi Londoner, The problem is that if everyone gives up and joins another forum, this website is essentially dead. If people want a community here, the remaining users will all have to pull together and put in the effort to post and support each other. Perhaps the real issue (and I am not making an asccusational statement here) is that people expect to receive a lot of support but they are not willing to make the effort and give something back to the community. So long as that continues, this forum will struggle to attract new members, and naturally some of the existing veterans will inevitably move on once they feel they no longer need the community.

    One encouraging recent trend I have noticed is that some of the old timers who created accounts 3 or 4 years ago are coming back to the forum.
    Antonius and Thebeg like this.
  13. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    This... And it's also pointless to jump from forum to forum. I'm genuinely curious as to what people are actually looking for.
    Thebeg likes this.
  14. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    I hopped on this forum a few months back and noticed it wasn’t very active from the get go. Regardless, I’ve met some great people through here who have given me some of the best advice and tools needed to beat this ugly addiction. I couldn’t be more greatful. Love you guys! Hopefully it picks up more as the new year goes on.
  15. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    You're right, of course. I don't contribute to others' journals as much as I used to, but that's because the ones I've been following have dropped off. Where's @staythecourse lately? Anyway, I should support some of the newest members too.
  16. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    May I ask you Londoner, has there ever been a girl you've truly liked over the past couple months/years. I mean genuinely liked, not for the purpose of losing your virginity or improving your game? Forget that you even have issues with PMO or women, just a girl you actually fancied?
  17. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Yes, many. There was one at work that I really fell for quite badly about ten years ago (probably mentioned earlier in this journal) and it fucked me up a lot, though it did at least lead to me seeking help for my depression.

    There was also one very recently, so I might as well write about it now as I know I did some things right and some things very wrong. I asked this girl out for coffee and she seemed really keen. Just before I went to meet her, I got some bad news, so that put me in a crap mood for the evening. Anyway, we made small talk and got to know about bit more about each other, and she didn't seem put off by my mood - in fact she was really keen to meet again, even though I didn't escalate at all.

    However, before we were due to meet next, she had an accident and was forced to cancel. I'd tried not to become too invested at this stage, so it didn't bother me much (and I actually assumed she'd just lost interest and the 'accident' was just an excuse). Then about a week or two later, she got in touch again saying she was feeling better and ready to go out again. This time, I invited her to my area for lunch and then back to mine(!) She was a bit emotional talking about her accident, but I used it as an excuse to be more tactile in comforting her. I also put some music on so we could dance a bit and get closer. There was one point where I really should have gone in for the kiss but chickened out. :( Not long after that, she decided it was time to go, so I walked her back to the bus stop. I texted her later to see if she'd got home OK, and she said that she had to leave as she felt a bit overwhelmed (her accident involved an injury to her head and she couldn't handle loud sounds and images). I left it at that and didn't ask her out again, kicking myself for not escalating!

    About a week or so later, she got in touch again asking if I'd like to go with her to a museum, but said she didn't want to talk any more about her accident and put it behind her. So we met for lunch again on a Saturday and chatted a bit more comfortably than before. After lunch, we went to the museum - she was friendly for a while, but then suddenly seemed to be in a rush to get through the museum so we got through the whole place pretty quick as she wanted to get out for some fresh air. She then said she wanted to be on her own for a while to have a bit of quiet, presumably because of her head again - I offered to stick around, but she said she didn't want to do any talking so it wouldn't be fair for me to just sit there. I wasn't happy about this, but I didn't argue and just left her to it - I had something else to go to that day anyway (although it turned out to be a bit shit)!

    A few days later, I texted her to see if she was free on the following Saturday - she said she wasn't available and didn't offer an alternative date (something she did the very first time I asked her for coffee) so I got the hint that she was now less invested in this than me, since I'd now started to like her a fair bit. I decided to try one more time, asking if she'd like to meet up between Christmas and New Year. She said she'll be busy, again with no alternative dates suggested, so I've left it at that and don't intend to contact her again.
    Thebeg likes this.
  18. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    I know what you mean and that wasn't a personal criticism on you. I remember when I first joined this forum in 2013 that this was a vibrant community and then the old stalwarts of the forum that used to give a lot left, among them, the successful veterans. I think the latter are particularly important because they provide inspiration for the new blood to keep on going and interact with the community. It is like with our SA meetings, it is the members with long term sobriety that provide hope to the newcomers and make them realise that it is possible to beat this addiction, that its worth going out of your comfort zone to keep coming to the meetings.

    Good luck in your quest for a partner. I am at this stage too and I have just started to try online dating.
  19. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    I say give it another shot and don't think too much about her not setting an alternative. It's common for people to be busy around the holidays. She might be gauging to see if you're willing to invest in this as much as she did in the beginning. I say until she flat out rejects you keep trying, your probably more of a catch then you realize
  20. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Hey Londoner, good to hear from you. The board has grown a bit stale lately indeed. It seems that multiple people have had different reasons to become less active, at the same time.

    Too bad man, conquering this fear is the important step. Dancing means kissing pretty much every time. What would have happened if you tried to kiss her? Would she scold you? Unlikely because a kiss is basically a compliment. And if she did anyway, you need to learn to brush it off. She will not hurt you.

    [/quote]She said that she had to leave as she felt a bit overwhelmed (her accident involved an injury to her head and she couldn't handle loud sounds and images).[/quote]
    I think she left because the kiss didn't happen, maybe she felt awkward afterwards. This was probably her reasoning in hindsight, to avoid hurting you.

    So by denying her the kiss, the dynamic between you two probably grew strange. Because both can feel something like a kiss or sex may happen, yet it didn't happen. This confused her, because the man must make the step so she probably wondered what was wrong with her. So she got hesitant to meet you again, but gave it another try at the museum. I'm not sure how the atmosphere was but it seemed like a similar situation, she started to feel awkward and wanted to leave.

    From the big picture I think you made progress. She gave you multiple chances and you set the right mood with the music and dancing. I think you know what to do, it's just that fear.

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