Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Londoner, Mar 25, 2016.
Great stuff man
This is an interesting point.Do you find women open up more if you keep your responses on the shorter side and remain mysterious. I feel I always end up sharing too much with a woman when I am just getting to know her.
Yes, I think that's exactly it - mystery. I would always feel embarrassed during periods of silence because I'd think it made me look like a boring guy with nothing much to say. It was only after reading TRP that I found out this wasn't necessarily the case - as long as you hold eye contact with confidence (but not aggressively, so smile a bit).
Ccw talks about that and also this is discussed a lot in the rational male. He says "never give a women full disclosure this is not what she wants and denies her the chance to use her imagination" (im paraphrasing)
Ibe always been a fan of comfortable silence
In many ways the girls we may find we have loads to talk about with, where it’s natural and easy and we have a lot in common... that’s when it’s doomed, or it’s on course for friendship or codependency. It feels cosy, familiar and safe, the stuff that leads to relationships, but not hot sex. So it’s supposed to be difficult, as the more difficult the better the prize.
Anyone have any thoughts on this?
I would disagree. It's about boundaries really, and boundaries are what leads to friendship or codependency. You can definitely get on really well with someone and have hot sex.
One thing I forgot to add about myself in terms of escalating to more sexual conversation is that I've always been scared of being labelled a pervert. Perhaps partly because I kind of am a pervert with regards to how much porn I watch, but mainly because I've always felt that if you're not good looking then you can't get away with it. Kind of like if an ugly guy stares at a woman on the bus, he's a creep, but if Brad Pitt does it he's hot.
Hey we're all perverts in a sense
I have struggled with this in the past and discussed it a lot with my therapist at the time. Still I notice these feeling in some situations. For me it was definitely because of the unintentional feedback I got from my mother in the past. I think this issue is also well-described in Clover's 'no more mister nice guy'.
Thanks - I should read that book again then!
me too actually
Oh yes I've had the exact same thing.
Since I was young I would pay attention what women on tv would say they would find sexually attractive or repulsive in a guy. So I picked up on a lot of things that were said to be bad. Most of them dealt with male arousal. I thought women disgusted feeling a male erection except for intercourse. So I would always feel anxious when kissing a girl because I didn't want to get a boner. I would actually feel "strong" or "in control" for not having an erection while it actually was an anxiety issue, coupled with porn effects.
Another thing is describing what sexual stuff I like. I always thought that was weird to do, since women didn't like sex that same way I would.
Part of all this fear stems from my 'old' need to be liked by everyone. This need tends to result in overly safe behavior, so that means avoiding everything that could potentially upset someone, at the cost of being your true self.
Well especially the last few years, but mostly the last year, I learned that all this stuff I picked up was bullshit. Women are "perverts" too just like men. They think about sex at least as much as men. And they love to feel your boner pressed against them as long as there's attraction. Now I wouldn't care if a girl is turned off by my boner. I now consider myself more of a "real man", which means not caring too much about opinions and going what they're after. Instead of considering myself as a "special class of guy" which actually was a hindrance, I'm now more of a "normal guy" and it's actually much better.
The "not like other guys" myth
Yeah and feeling like more of a guy (i.e. being more in my masculine side) still doesn't make my like all other guys in the end, which is sort of a paradox. It's just that masculinity and its sexual side aren't something to be ashamed of, I think that's the main point.
Ignore my counter, it's wrong, I get an error when trying to reset it.
Depression has been hitting me in waves over the last week. Hope it dissipates before I go on holiday next month. I'll be going on my own, so need to be in the right mood to interact with strangers. Might even drink alcohol if necessary.
Sorry to hear that dude. Use that holiday as a little springboard
How did the date go?
Hi Londoner, how is it going?
Hi guys. Things are not good at the moment, my dad is seriously ill in hospital so everything else is on hold. Didn't even go on the holiday so trying to claim the cost back on insurance.
I'm PMOing frequently, don't feel motivated to build up a streak right now. Trying to get back into a normal gym routine again.
Didn't amount to anything in the end. I don't care, haven't contacted her since.
Oh my friend, I'm really sorry to hear about your dad.
Sending you warm wishes, and hope things improve.
Look after yourself, mate.
So sorry to hear that Londoner, my wishes to you also that things look up very soon. Keep updating here as much as you feel able, the guys on here are so great. That’s good you want to keep the gym routine going; anything you can do that is quality time with yourself will only strengthen you through these curve balls that life can throw us sometimes. Thoughts with you and your dad.
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