37yo virgin - starting afresh - am I hopeless?

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by faceman, Feb 21, 2019.

  1. faceman

    faceman New Member

    Hi all, i've been lurking on this forum for a long time but finally decided to post to get help/opinions because i don't know where else to turn. I thought I'd begin by telling you my story, it's long but I hope people read.

    As the thread title suggests I'm 37 years old and have never had sex. I have had sexual experiences with women but never penetrated a girl. I suffered from severe lack of confidence/anxiety my whole life which meant I could never get a girl. I've been using porn from the age of about 14. I never heard of porn addiction and my habit was relatively mild compared to most on here, usually about twice a week.

    I think the larger problem was that I never got sexual with a girl until I was about 29 years old. And even then though we did fool around, for some reason I backed out from continuing the relationship to the point we had sex. I was masturbating during that time even though I had a girl ready and waiting for me.

    I come from a conservative culture and a year later my parents convinced me to get married. That's when things went south. I had an arranged marriage but couldn't penetrate my wife. I tried many times and I could get hard but would always lose my erection when I tried to penetrate. To be honest I didn't find her very attractive. But of course not knowing any better I blamed myself. My marriage ended shortly after and I fell into a mini depression for a time.

    Around that time I discovered this site. I figured I had PIED so quickly cut most porn out of my life -- though I carried on looking at pictures of naked women. The problem didn't improve though. Over time I cut out the nudes too, but still at best my erections were flakey. I tried to meet women but I've not been able to get with anyone due to my anxiety. I saw several doctors who all told me I'm fine. I saw a physio about my pelvic floor and I did have a problem in that area. I saw the physio for three months and that's a lot better now. For a time this made me think I didn't have PIED but it was my pelvic floor all along. But now having gone through the treatment I still have these problems.

    So where am I now? I've been trying gameover's technique to increase erection strength by training my pelvic floor. The results have bee mixed to poor. My erections require constant stimulation to stay up. And also I have to fantasise to get it up. (just regular fantasy about women, not porn stuff). I rarely get morning wood, it comes and goes, but when I wake it quickly disappears. Most of the time with I M I don't O. Sometimes I do.

    Today I was trying to masturbate but it just wouldn't get up. I got frustrated and looked at porn on my phone. But when I did I O'd in a second. I could feel myself ready to bust before I even started touching myself - and my erection was almost zero. I got really angry with myself and sat in a dark room for about 20 mins. After that I decided (this might have been a really stupid decision) to look at porn again. I opened my phone browser and found some, and began jerking myself off. This time I came within 20 seconds. I was close to being fully hard, since I gave myself time, but still pretty pathetic. I don't know why I did it. I just can't believe I could come so quickly to porn

    That's when I decided to sign up and post. I could do with any help and advice people have. I still have major anxiety problems so there's no woman in my life. But I'm going out more and trying to met women.

    Thanks for reading, I know it's been really long.
    occams_razor likes this.
  2. occams_razor

    occams_razor Active Member

    You seem to have had some success with avoiding P (except for the pics), so well done there. I'd suggest taking this to the next level and avoiding all P and P-subs. But don't stop there! Avoid staring at women in general, if you're doing that. If you must look, look into their eyes.

    The more you can avoid lustful thoughts and behaviours, the quicker you'll heal.

    Cutting out masturbation (and "edging") completely will help also.

    Don't give in to any rationalisation about "testing your erection" and so on. The goal is to be hard for real women, not images or thoughts of them, and not for your hand either.

    Even if we're destined to never be with a woman again, we're better off avoiding PMO.

    Good luck!
    -Luke- and Pete McVries like this.
  3. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    That's rough. I feel your pain. It's not too late though. The stuff you hear about declines in performance (not related to porn) are highly exaggerated (doesn't happen that fast if you have a healthy lifestyle). I'm sure that if you find the right woman, you will have the opposite problem of trying to fight erections in public. The arranged marriage would add another level of confusion and frustration. Probably speaks well for you that you weren't that attracted to her, but that's just my cultural bias speaking.
  4. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    Also, too much emphasis is put on penetration. I always saw anything that involved mutal nudity and stimulation of the genitals, or even dry humping to be equivalent on all the most important variables.
  5. faceman

    faceman New Member

    Thanks @Imfree and @occams_razor for the support and encouragement.

    It's been 7 days no pmo and mo and I'm feeling good. The plan is to leave pmo in all forms forever and mo for the time being.

    I've decided I will start meeting women and more people in general -- it's about time I began the rewiring process in earnest. I've also picked up meditation to help centre myself and hopefully get in better tune with my feelings as opposed to relying on visual stimulation.

    As an aside, I was on the ybop site and I found this video my Dr Mark Schwartz on the psychology of using porn as a crutch to cope with a lack on intimacy and eventually using it as replacement for human interaction:

    If you haven't seen it you really should, its long but worthwhile.

    Imfree -- I see what you're saying but I to me penetration is very important. I want to be able to do that with a girl not least because one day I want to start a family. I think it's also important because its how we're designed as mammals. But that's a conversation for another time.
  6. freeman35

    freeman35 Active Member

    Most of my relationships have gotten off to a slow start sexually - either I didn't maintain an erection, or didn't climax the first few times. It doesn't mean that the relationship can't/won't happen. I assure you these issues are totally normal. People have to get used to each other physically - just because the woman is ready doesn't mean that the man is. Even if you find her attractive, at the end of the day actual sex is an intense experience - our fantasies don't usually account for the reality of having an actual person's face and body right up against ours - sometimes the brain can just go on a time-out and stop working. A guy might be ready in his mind, but his body is still acclimatising, and we don't control any of that. Intercourse happens on the first try in every movie and locker room story, but the real world is not like that. You will notice that when women aren't ready they are totally fine with it - they are happy to abort the sex and just say 'I'm not in mood anymore', but for some reason when this happens to the man he can become anxious and confused. One reason we find this more confusing than women do is because we get erections all the time and can easily MO so we think there's something wrong if the same doesn't happen with an actual person.

    If you're with the right person you will be able to just enjoy whatever intimacy is happening between you, whatever that might be, and things will happen when they are ready to happen.
  7. doneatlast

    doneatlast Active Member

    That is quite a story. I don't have any big keys or answers for you, but a few thoughts:

    First, it isn't too late. Unless, what you're trying to seek is the wild sex life of a guy in his early 20s, like what you see in movies, then obviously you're too old. But, it isn't too late for meaningful relationships, even sexual relationships, that go better than in your first marriage.

    Second, time is the key. I know it doesn't help to hear when you're anxious about being too old and time slipping away, but time really is key to recovery. The lucky thing is that at your age it likely means that the damage isn't as strong as someone who started young - I'm a year younger, and it meant I didn't have high speed until my 20s, and nothing capable of streaming video until my late 20s, and I think I did much better because of it. Someone who had high speed and streaming video in their early teens has a much harder time.

    Third, I'm convinced that the anxiety associated with sexual performance perpetuates the problem. It is really just an intuition of mine and it is hard to articulate. It could be because for many guys trying to create a sex life, their ideas of a sex life are too closely associated to what they saw in porn, and they keep digging up that old corpse of porn unintentionally throughout the process. This is just my own intuition/hypothesis/gut feeling, so feel free to disagree.
  8. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    There are those moments in a relationship where in certain respects you can "live a porno" (have the kind of hot sex you imagined), but it's not constant. The best thing about real life though is that you can be laughing and talking with your partner while you're doing it. I don't get the thing where in porn they feel like they have to portray the woman as so intense with desire that she appears unhinged. Real life is much more relaxing and enjoyable. I remember when I was young that there was a lot of locker room talk going on and you imagined that your lovers would be judging and evaluating your performance, but it's not like that at all. People do tend to respect you when you are vulnerable.

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