37 years: my story and journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Oyibiman, Nov 8, 2019.

  1. Oyibiman

    Oyibiman New Member

    Hi guys. I'm 37 years old, addicted to porn since always and I've never had a serious relationship in my life. I'm ashamed to say that I'm still virgin. I've been fighting this for a few years by now, I've decided to share my story and will update my progress.

    MY STORY

    First time I had contact with porn I was about 10 years old, still a child in mind and body, I wouldn't develop to puberty until about five years later, I was late on that. One day my older brother called me to his room and showed me a magazine he had, it was full of nude sexy women and it was the first time in my life I was looking at women in those poses with their legs all open. I loved it and my child dick was fully erect right there under my pants. I don’t remember that night, but I probably was thinking about what I had seen before sleeping.

    During the next years, I would be going back to my brothers room with frequency to see if he had more magazines. He would have new ones some times, PlayBoys and others, but I remember some in which the images escalated a lot, there were pictures of sex scenes like gang bangs, facials and stuff like that. Today this is not that a big deal, maybe it should be, but then I was quite impacted with it and I would go back to look at them a lot. At school, we used to share magazines too, as well as VHS video tapes with porn movies, which were harder to get. Of course, they were illegal to purchase by minors.

    When I got into puberty, I had my first wet dreams, because I didn't know how to masturbate yet and I guess my body would release alone like that. One time, another friend in high school lend me one of this VHS with porn, at home I masturbated watching it and orgasmed for the first time. I was happy because I had heard about it to other guys and finally I could experience it too. From then on I would masturbate regularly, I think daily, with external images when I would get them or with fantasies when not. By then, sometimes it was difficult to reach orgasm, I think I was already developing delayed ejaculation.

    I started getting interested in real girls, but I wouldn't be very good at it, to be honest. I got my first kiss with about 20 years. One summer night, partying I met a girl at a bar and we started talking. Then we went outside, we sat in a quite place and I had the courage to kiss her. I wasn't very good, she stopped me in some point, although we continued talking for a while, but then we both returned with our friends. We never dated, she was really pretty, that I can say.

    I got my own computer with internet about then, as it was very slow to download videos, I started to keep a collection, so I could watch whenever I wanted. But wasn't enough, I would seek for novelty all the time and also other sexual content like written stories, where I could read about things like BDSM, which were more difficult to find in videos. Also online chat rooms, where I would try to establish relationships or sexual conversations with girls. This wouldn't work, but I think the dopamine would rush my brain too, so I would get some kind of pleasure from it.

    When I was 23 I had my first bed sexual experience, I was in the university. It happened also partying at night, we would be talking and dancing in a bar, this girl I knew apparently liked me, she approached me and we started dancing, laughing and talking. She made the move, kissed me and I kissed her back. She wasn't the prettiest, but she was nice and for once a girl wanted to be with me so I was happy. At least I think I kissed her well enough, I remember we stopped in the middle of the street at night kissing like in a movie. That was good, but I could already feel something was wrong, because my dick wasn't getting hard. Then we moved to my room and we tried to have sex, but I couldn't get an erection. I even tried to get it hard by thinking about kinky stuff I used to fantasize with, but it didn't work. So we had to stop it and I was very ashamed, but she was good to me. We had some dates, but I would try to avoid her and sometimes I was a jerk to her. I wasn't angry at her, I was angry at me.

    Technology developed and high speed porn tubes came to be. I deleted my collection in some point, I had everything I needed and more online, constant novelty and all very well organized in categories. My fetishes escalated a lot to hardcore porn. I felt like shit most of the time, but that was my default, so I didn't even know I could feel better.

    I tried to have sex with three other girls during next years, but I failed all the times. One of this girls I liked so much, if only I could get back then… But I would avoid girls from then on, I was unhappy about it, but that was the best I could do. My life wasn't great either, I would have quite unfulfilling jobs which I couldn't hold for long. I would spend time watching a lot of movies and series in my room too, as another way to escape a reality I didn't like. My social circle was getting worse.

    It was 2016 when first time I read online about porn addiction and all these information about dopamine in the brain, tolerance escalation and all this. It was a huge relief, I finally knew what was happening to me, because I knew the theory about alcohol, drug or gambling addictions, it was happening to me with porn. Moreover, I found Gary Wilson's TED talk too and there it was, first time heard about a relation with porn use and erectile disfunction. I think I cried right there.

    I was so hooked to porn, that I couldn't leave it right then, I would continue to use without limit for a while. But the seed was planted, I knew I was going to start to get over this soon. I also found Noah Church's YouTube channel, read his book Wack and he has been a huge inspiration in my journey.

    On 2017 I started to try NoFap seriously, it was an incredible sensation, in just a few days, something changed in my eyes, the way I felt them and, for some reason I don’t even understand, I could look people in the eyes for the first time. Also got a better voice and my self confidence improved. My first superpowers, not bad. I would have some wet dreams too, after so many years masturbating so frequently, I'm not surprised my body couldn't hold with this new situation. However, I haven't been able to make more than 40 days since then and I have relapsed uncountable times, sometimes returning to porn for long periods.

    I've not given up though, I'm improving and following some wise advise, I’ve installed accountability software in my devices this year. It really makes it more difficult to relapse, knowing my accountability partners will receive a notifications and I would be very uncomfortable to indulge to my worst fetishes. I also decided to permit moderate masturbation, without hardcore fantasies, otherwise the pressure gets too hard for me.

    So I’ve decided to make an online journal and will update it from time to time. In this year, even with accountability software I’ve had a few relapses, but not in my devices. Also very recently I had to buy a second phone and before connecting it to the software, I failed again. Now it is as it should be and I don’t have access to any other device. I’m living in another country and I’ll be here for a while, feels a great opportunity to make things different and better and I’ve learned a lot last three years.
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2019
  2. Oyibiman

    Oyibiman New Member

    This will be my journal. There won't be any initial surprise of men who go NoFap for the first time, because I've been in the cicle of abstaining for periods but relapsing for a while, which apparently is not enough to reboot. But here I go anyway:

    MY JOURNAL

    Days 1 – 8:

    I’ve had mood swings, some times feeling very motivated and others sad and depressed. I read Noah's book again, made cry in some points, but inspired me to go on with my own path. I have limited my internet time, just by blocking Twitter and Reddit, which consumed a lot of my time without noticing. I’m reading a lot and that’s good, I want to read more self development books, reducing fictional ones, even if I like them a lot. I don’t spend much time on YouTube and I only watch a few selected series I still want to follow.

    I’ve been a bit irritated too, I want to control that, because I don’t want to pay this with my friend here. My social life is not great, but I’ll need some time to know more people around here, it’s a new country for me and with a very different culture.

    I’ve been having morning woods, also when napping. One of these times I masturbated, but instead of my hand, I used a toy. I clearly have delayed ejaculation, because I didn’t finish, but I didn’t want to escalate my head fantasies, so I just stopped without reaching an orgasm.

    I have good morning and night routines now, I meditate daily and I do some push ups. Should I exercise more and do things like run? I have been eating healthier for a month and my belly is gone, it wasn’t big before, but it was there. So I'm keeping with that.
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2019
  3. GE87

    GE87 Member

    Hi Oyibiman,

    just stumbled over your Journal and first of all: welcome here!

    I'm short on time as for now but I can only congratulate you for being here and being totally open and honest! I know that it is not easy and I know that it takes a lot of balls to face this stuff.
    You, Sir, are on the right track and I feel honoured to have you with us!

    Greetings

    GE87
     
  4. Oyibiman

    Oyibiman New Member

    Thank @GE87, it's good to be here and read other people's experiences too.

    Days 9 - 12:

    Good mood in general, didn't have any big down. Kept my commitments, better habits and good daily routines and much better in not procrastinating. I fapped with the toy again, this time I finished without escalating thougts, but it took a while. Lost a bit of superpowers, but not as bad as if I had binged with porn for hours like I used to. I was almost well in 24 hours. In any case, I will be waiting more until the next time, I think this will decrease my reboot time a lot and having superpowers is awesome.

    I'm reading books about dating too, there is valuable stuff in those. I'd like to start dating soon, so I'll need all the help I can get. I gotta put myself out there, I'm not that young now, but no way I'm out of the game.
     
  5. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I had very similar experiences at that age also. Part of it is the expectation you're putting on yourself I think. In Porn, guys just get erect on demand.
    In reality, if you're with someone you don't know well, nerves etc.. can creep in. There's other stimuli involved other than visual, e.g. touch, smell etc..
    It's a more gradual arousal.
    I think there's an expectation on guys that we're just walking erections, but we're not. Maybe some are, but not all!

    I'd recommend that with the next girl you meet, try and slow it down, even if she's trying to push it forward.
    If you've dated someone a few times, gotten comfortable with each other, it's much easier. Then, if you don't have sex successfully, it doesn't feel like the end of the world. You just try again next time.

    Anyway, it sounds like you have a good grasp on the PMO problem. Best of luck and welcome!
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  6. Oyibiman

    Oyibiman New Member

    Hi @gavney, I think you're making a good point. I do think porn is the main reason for my ED, but the taking slower approach is something I want to embrace from now on. Porn has probably affected the way I understand sex, I want to change that.

    Days 13 - 20:

    Though I masturbated once again, I feel fine and feel like rebooting. I'll try not to do it much anyway, but as long as I keep away from porn and kinky thoughts, I think I'm making progress.

    I actually met a girl in a mall and got her number. Not gonna be my soulmate, but she was nice. I'll text her soon to set a date and see where this goes.
     
    gavney likes this.
  7. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Good work man, sounds like you're on the right track! Keep us updated on the date.
     

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