Hi guys. I'm 37 years old, addicted to porn since always and I've never had a serious relationship in my life. I'm ashamed to say that I'm still virgin. I've been fighting this for a few years by now, I've decided to share my story and will update my progress. MY STORY First time I had contact with porn I was about 10 years old, still a child in mind and body, I wouldn't develop to puberty until about five years later, I was late on that. One day my older brother called me to his room and showed me a magazine he had, it was full of nude sexy women and it was the first time in my life I was looking at women in those poses with their legs all open. I loved it and my child dick was fully erect right there under my pants. I don’t remember that night, but I probably was thinking about what I had seen before sleeping. During the next years, I would be going back to my brothers room with frequency to see if he had more magazines. He would have new ones some times, PlayBoys and others, but I remember some in which the images escalated a lot, there were pictures of sex scenes like gang bangs, facials and stuff like that. Today this is not that a big deal, maybe it should be, but then I was quite impacted with it and I would go back to look at them a lot. At school, we used to share magazines too, as well as VHS video tapes with porn movies, which were harder to get. Of course, they were illegal to purchase by minors. When I got into puberty, I had my first wet dreams, because I didn't know how to masturbate yet and I guess my body would release alone like that. One time, another friend in high school lend me one of this VHS with porn, at home I masturbated watching it and orgasmed for the first time. I was happy because I had heard about it to other guys and finally I could experience it too. From then on I would masturbate regularly, I think daily, with external images when I would get them or with fantasies when not. By then, sometimes it was difficult to reach orgasm, I think I was already developing delayed ejaculation. I started getting interested in real girls, but I wouldn't be very good at it, to be honest. I got my first kiss with about 20 years. One summer night, partying I met a girl at a bar and we started talking. Then we went outside, we sat in a quite place and I had the courage to kiss her. I wasn't very good, she stopped me in some point, although we continued talking for a while, but then we both returned with our friends. We never dated, she was really pretty, that I can say. I got my own computer with internet about then, as it was very slow to download videos, I started to keep a collection, so I could watch whenever I wanted. But wasn't enough, I would seek for novelty all the time and also other sexual content like written stories, where I could read about things like BDSM, which were more difficult to find in videos. Also online chat rooms, where I would try to establish relationships or sexual conversations with girls. This wouldn't work, but I think the dopamine would rush my brain too, so I would get some kind of pleasure from it. When I was 23 I had my first bed sexual experience, I was in the university. It happened also partying at night, we would be talking and dancing in a bar, this girl I knew apparently liked me, she approached me and we started dancing, laughing and talking. She made the move, kissed me and I kissed her back. She wasn't the prettiest, but she was nice and for once a girl wanted to be with me so I was happy. At least I think I kissed her well enough, I remember we stopped in the middle of the street at night kissing like in a movie. That was good, but I could already feel something was wrong, because my dick wasn't getting hard. Then we moved to my room and we tried to have sex, but I couldn't get an erection. I even tried to get it hard by thinking about kinky stuff I used to fantasize with, but it didn't work. So we had to stop it and I was very ashamed, but she was good to me. We had some dates, but I would try to avoid her and sometimes I was a jerk to her. I wasn't angry at her, I was angry at me. Technology developed and high speed porn tubes came to be. I deleted my collection in some point, I had everything I needed and more online, constant novelty and all very well organized in categories. My fetishes escalated a lot to hardcore porn. I felt like shit most of the time, but that was my default, so I didn't even know I could feel better. I tried to have sex with three other girls during next years, but I failed all the times. One of this girls I liked so much, if only I could get back then… But I would avoid girls from then on, I was unhappy about it, but that was the best I could do. My life wasn't great either, I would have quite unfulfilling jobs which I couldn't hold for long. I would spend time watching a lot of movies and series in my room too, as another way to escape a reality I didn't like. My social circle was getting worse. It was 2016 when first time I read online about porn addiction and all these information about dopamine in the brain, tolerance escalation and all this. It was a huge relief, I finally knew what was happening to me, because I knew the theory about alcohol, drug or gambling addictions, it was happening to me with porn. Moreover, I found Gary Wilson's TED talk too and there it was, first time heard about a relation with porn use and erectile disfunction. I think I cried right there. I was so hooked to porn, that I couldn't leave it right then, I would continue to use without limit for a while. But the seed was planted, I knew I was going to start to get over this soon. I also found Noah Church's YouTube channel, read his book Wack and he has been a huge inspiration in my journey. On 2017 I started to try NoFap seriously, it was an incredible sensation, in just a few days, something changed in my eyes, the way I felt them and, for some reason I don’t even understand, I could look people in the eyes for the first time. Also got a better voice and my self confidence improved. My first superpowers, not bad. I would have some wet dreams too, after so many years masturbating so frequently, I'm not surprised my body couldn't hold with this new situation. However, I haven't been able to make more than 40 days since then and I have relapsed uncountable times, sometimes returning to porn for long periods. I've not given up though, I'm improving and following some wise advise, I’ve installed accountability software in my devices this year. It really makes it more difficult to relapse, knowing my accountability partners will receive a notifications and I would be very uncomfortable to indulge to my worst fetishes. I also decided to permit moderate masturbation, without hardcore fantasies, otherwise the pressure gets too hard for me. So I’ve decided to make an online journal and will update it from time to time. In this year, even with accountability software I’ve had a few relapses, but not in my devices. Also very recently I had to buy a second phone and before connecting it to the software, I failed again. Now it is as it should be and I don’t have access to any other device. I’m living in another country and I’ll be here for a while, feels a great opportunity to make things different and better and I’ve learned a lot last three years.