37 y/o - VIRGIN - Depressed - PIED!

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Depressed&Out, Jun 6, 2018.

  1. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    So, unfortunately I relapsed last night to PMO. :( Devastated of course, and wary of what's to come in terms of symptoms.

    However, going three years with no PMO and rarely any sexual stimulation (apart from MO and fantasy) was really difficult at the end. Ultimately I am still an older virgin whose had ver, very limited amount with the opposite sex. I'm not making excuses, but it's really difficult going through life without a female companion or sexual excitation.

    However, the early signs are good - my penis looks the same. I haven't checked my erection quality as I'm frankly too scared to do that.

    The relapse itself was a minor relapse; i checked 4-5 pictures during a spell of no more than 5 minutes. I started feeling of excitation in my head and stomach. Not sure if this is how sex feels like or is it certainly the addiction?
    The orgasm was not that intense. However, the orgasm was different..... I felt neural pathways in my brain activating. It actually wasn't nice as it reminded me of a feeling that I forgot (or maybe not even noticed before as this is the first time I had reverted back to PMO following a lengthy spell). After the ejculation, I started shaking, feeling nervous, feeling sick, feeling suicidal and I simply... well, sick, shaking, crying, suicidal, etc. I couldn't sleep afterwards, but eventually I got a decent night's sleep.

    The next day (this morning) I woke up feeling better, albeit a little bit too anxious from yesterday still. I'm feeling a little bit tired (could be due to the energy of PMO or the anxiety). A little bit of a loss of appetite. When attempting to think about sex, I feel brain heating up. My penis looked fine (ie, it's not dead and not shrunk).

    Overall I'm devastated and still a little bit sick. However, those are likely to be induced by the psychological aspects of our fight against PMO ('cause PMO is conceptualised in our brain as a negative thing). But thinking about it rationally, I don't believe this relapse has set me back too much. This is not an invitation to be complacent, it's simply my observation of someone that was for a long time without PMO and relapsed a 'normal' relapse. I don't believe it sets you back significantly, maybe 3 months at worse?

    Does anyone have any questions, while my mind is still fresh from this?

    If not, I hope maybe we can learn something from this?
    nuclpow likes this.
  2. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    You went 3 years without PMO?
  3. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

  4. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Sorry. Now I read your first post. You made huge progress. I think that you overestimate girls. They arnt all perfect. Same as with us.
    I agree that you dont have much chances with some sucessful higher status women. But there are plenty of fine women without crazy ambitions.
    Life writes diffrent scenarios.
    I dont know shit. But in your shoes I would go to hookers. If sth go wrong while sex, you dont care. She dont care. You will gain some experience.
    Dont wait for princess from dreams.
    Doper likes this.
  5. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    I want to preface my statements with the fact I'm proud of you Mr. Depressed&Out, for conquering your porn addiction. It's an incredible accomplishment you should be proud of. That being said....

    You don't have PIED. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN!!!!

    Unless for those 3 years you were jerking off say, a couple time at least every week.
    No one in their right mind is going to tell you to keep abstaining in the hopes that it is going to do anything. It isn't. STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. Having a 5 minute relapse is literally the LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS. I think the first thing you should do is seek a therapist.

    There are two options:
    1. You have erectile or libido problems that have nothing to do with porn. (less likely)
    2. Your body is functioning normally. (more likely)

    When you responded to me the last time, the points you made were.....not scientifically logical, to say the least. But let's just focus on the one that is of most relevance:
    - The only symptom of PIED that is of much importance is if your dick works with porn, but then doesn't with women.....you don't know if this is the case because you haven't tried.

    Like Kurkuror said, go and get with a hooker, several times, and report back.
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2020
  6. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    I'm not going to a hooker, this is a last resort thing. Maybe if I'm 40 plus or something.

    Maybe I have PIED or maybe I don't. I can tell you that my erection, during my relapse, was not full. I had to play with myself and even then it was no stronger when fantasizing. In fact, when I ejaculated, my dick felt a little bit limp than usual. Not sure why.

    I agree abstaining is never going to fully heal me. I need to rewire to a female so that my brain can pick up the cues about real sex and that my brain can experience the 'positive' hormones (oxytocin, etc) for the first time in its life so that the bad neural pathways can melt away. The problem is, I'm not able to find a GF.

    BTW, about '- The only symptom of PIED that is of much importance is if your dick works with porn, but then doesn't with women.....you don't know if this is the case because you haven't tried.'

    A few months ago before lockdown, I went out clubbing and started dancing and kissing a beautiful woman. I didn't get much bonner. It was enjoyable kissing her, but there was no movement down there. Therefore that's why I think it's still PIED.

    Thank you for your input, all.
    positivef likes this.
  7. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    I dont want to confuse you. You got your plan. Noone know excatlly how longer peroids of abstaining will affect you.
    If your biggest need now is girlfriend. Push in that direction as hard as you can. Without fear. Without overthinking. More moves less talking.
    You are close already.
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I think it would be good to work on your social skills and yourself in general, becoming the person you want to be. Looking for professional help can be a good one, if you haven’t already. Abstaining is not the same as recovery. If you’ve been away from porn so long and are still struggling with ED like problems, it’s probably not all porn related.

    If you learn to become comfortable around woman, and woman are comfortable around you. Sooner or later you’ll meet someone with a mutual interest and can start a relationship. Which would be a safe base to rewiring and bonding. Relaxing in it is more important than rushing in it because you need a woman so bad. A woman is not a tool or something. She’ll need to get something out of the relationship too.

    Stay away from PMO and FMO when working on the above and you’ll be alright.
  9. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    My social skills are quite good and confident, actually. The problem has always been money (can't g out) or when I do have money, I live in a restricted area socially.
  10. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    My mum asked me to do a bit of gardening for which I reluctantly agreed. As I was doing it, my thoughts about you know what (ie, me being an older virgin whose had no fun in life and is currently stuck in his mother's home unable to get his own place or a GF) where controlling my mind, and then I suddenly threw the pitchfork on the floor, shouted 'FUCK OFF!' and stormed back to my room.

    This is the state that I'm fucking in now! If the activity has no direct influence towards me achieving my goals, then I'm simply not fucking motivated to do it! I'm not motivated about anything in life apart from doing the things that will eventually help me get regular sex life!! (ie, going to the gym, working, studying, etc).

    This is the state of an old virgin, ladies and gentlemen. I fucking despise who I am.
  11. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    I think you are idolizing sex too much. Yes it is a wonderful thing, but so are many other aspects of life. You probably won't get as much out of things like the gym, working, studying if you are doing them solely for the purpose of getting sex.
  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Your problem is that you just want to complain and put the blame on your circumstances. If you don’t change your victim mentality, you’ll always be the man you hate to be.

    Also, get some professional help for your depression and anger.
    positivef likes this.
  13. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    I sometimes wonder if I'm causing myself more problems than it's worth. And, to be honest, I don't care. Ever since I ditched religion, I vowed to live like a human being minimizing culture and society's input!

    Sex is a normal human thing to do, so I'm right in beating myself up about it! Especially as I'm an older virgin whose chances of ever achieving a satisfactory sexual life is reducing by the day (how it feels!!).
    positivef likes this.
  14. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    I use this board to vent my anger and depression. Yes, it also happens a bit in real life, but the truth is that I've repressed my feelings all my adult life, it's no wonder I'm now breaking. Everyone has a breaking point.
  15. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    The trouble is beating yourself up about is taking you further from your goal/s. You can't change your history - you have to come to terms with it. I've had a very limited sex life. A major factor in my only long term relationship breaking down was my stupid decision to use way too much porn. So at least you will have kicked habit before starting a relationship; meaning it can actually be successful.
    You need to find happiness in other things. That is what I'm doing. See any sex as a bonus, not lack of sex as torture.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  16. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Not sure if I am getting this righ, but:

    1) you have low self esteem bc you consider yourself a virgin
    2) nothing but sex (or apparant means to achieve it) seems wortwhile to you

    3) there is like this debatable, but very sturdy idea that low self esteem equals being less attractive to others
    (Or being attractive to the wrong kinda crowd)

    You have built yourself quite the effective prison, no?

    Dude, I feel your pain. Ish. Been ultraradioactively depressed and rather unfuckable in my twenties. I had some affairs, but dude are these nit worth it.

    Drop the belief of 'virgins are useless' or keep letting it guide you further down the road yer on. Mother Theresa didn't get laid much either, and however you feel about her, useless, devoid of meaning she sure wasn't. As were millions of others.

    Sorry, rant over. Take care.
  17. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    Thanks for the advice. I wouldn't say I've got low self-esteem apart from about my arse that's getting bigger everyday! Once that arse is big enough to stick out (it's sticking out a little bit already!) then I'm sure I'm going to feel lower.

    It mainly because I missed out on so much fun in 20s (mainly about sex!). I have nothing to look back on. Not one kiss, not one hug, not once holding of hand and not even one flirtatious or romantic conversation with a female.

    My 30s are only slightly better! (kissed two girls in a night club and doing speed dating - but that's it!!).
    positivef likes this.
  18. catchingup

    catchingup Active Member

    Hey Depressed&Out, I have a somewhat similar situation to you. I did nothing my whole entire life with a female. Never even kissed or dated or anything. I'm 30. But I can say this, maybe it helps...I have a very close friend who had lots of "action" in his life. He had sex with girls in his car, in public places, and had a wild 20's. And...he tried to commit suicide by overdose anyways, after all of that. He's had his fair share of suffering in this world too despite all the sex and women...So if you think that physical relationships are the end to suffering, it's not. Suffering is more about the way you perceive the world. And if you want life to get better, use your situation to work on yourself and develop a positive attitude, which is more attractive to women than a negative attitude.

    Also, are your hormones normal? I believe you have a sex hormone imbalance, such as excess estrogen or low testosterone. You may also be taking certain medications such as steroids that can affect the fat distribution of your body. Please consider medications or hormone imbalance as a possible cause of your ED. Wishing you well.
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2020
    Doper likes this.
  19. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    Cesar - I can't speak for anyone else but I would LOVE to go and live in Colombia for a while....Learning Spanish is on my list.
  20. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    I'm a brown skinned guy - I don't stand a chance.

    And, those types of women that like men of white race - even when they are ugly or average looking - I can'take them seriously! Fuck them and their precious preferences!

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