37 y/o - VIRGIN - Depressed - PIED!

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Depressed&Out, Jun 6, 2018.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    What issue specifically?

    When I lived away from home I was lucky enough to live with some nice housemates, and a friend of mine at the time found the place. Now I’m older I’m a bit more self-conscious about it, as lots of room ads are with groups of youngsters. At my age I’d love my own flat, but there’s no way, unless I moved back to Germany or something. So I feel a bit trapped at the moment, but those ‘excuses’ can leave us paralysed, losing hope and belief in our ability to make things happen for ourselves. But it’s crucial that we at least try. Better to make a move, anywhere, and see what happens...?

    If you are anything like me you may be trapped in the prison of your family’s emotional world, and the only thing that can save you from that is yourself. But it takes a bit of courage. We fear what we need! If it feels horrible, do it :)
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2018
  2. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    The issues is mainly about privacy, or lack, if I were to house share. But I guess it's better than living with parents.
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Ya know, I think lack of privacy is a good thing sometimes, especially if we use privacy to hide away from life. Provided people are respectful it’s ok to have flatmates. I don’t know, it depends on your personality and needs. Don’t you want to change your life and find new way to help you be free of P?
    Kichijiro likes this.
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Second that. Living with housemates really got me out of my isolation at the time and significantly reduced my time spend on acting out …
    Kichijiro likes this.
  5. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    I'm no longer PMO or even Mo. The problem is whether I recover from my PIED, which looks quite severe.

    What I meant by privacy, I mean privacy to bring home a girl.

    Anyway, whatever happens, I'll be looking to move out this time next year once I raise the required capital. I know you're not guaranteed tomorrow, but I will still try and approach girls in the mean time and we'll have to just explain to them the reason I'm currently living at home.
  6. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Ah I see, I get you, and that is perfectly cool to be concerned with. Even so, I have found in the past most flatmates are understandable enough to not bother anyone when they bring somebody home. It is a private matter after all that people respect, even though they might be curious to talk to you about it after, depending on how close you are with them.
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2018
  7. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    Today I MOed. I woke up this morning and just felt like doing it, I just couldn't help it. I was intending to go on a run of 1-2 years and even until I get a GF before I ever ejaculate again, but unfortunately I just couldn't. My hardmode, which is the longest, ended on exactly 6 months.

    Unfortunately, the erections were no better than when I started this hardmode 6 months ago. Also, the orgasm felt noticeably weaker. As soon as I finished ejaculating, my mind was back to its normal state. There was not the after-cumming feel-good hormones feeling - just normal.

    I feel I am truly damaged now and will never recover. It will be almost be impossible to get a GF that will put up with my problems.

    I just fucking hate my existence.
  8. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    Also, this is the (lousy) result of the following:

    January 2017 - Quit porn after finding out the truth about it.
    June 2017 - PMOed - made erections worse.
    August 2017 - PMOed - made erections worse. (This was the last PMO that I did).
    November 2017 - MOed, end of Hardmode.
    February 2018 - MOed, end of Hardmode.
    Softmode and few hardmodes until October 2018.
    October 2018 - Hardmode.
    This morning - End of 6 months hardmode - longest ever streak.

    And yet, my erections are worse than before I started this journey (mainly thanks to the two PMOs above and few binge MOs!)
  9. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I'd advise you not to act on any thoughts about "testing your erection" etc.

    Masturbating isn't an accurate test of erections anyway.

    The best thing you can do is try not to care about it! But at the same time be strict about avoiding P and M, and P-subs and anything else that is a problem for you in this way.
  10. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    It wasn't so much about testing it, I just needed a relieve!

    I try not to care, but I'm getting older now and obviously I'm wary that a lot of people, when they approach 40, might have organic ED anyway!
  11. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Huh, have you checked with doctors for possible other health issues? Also, are you in therapy for your depression? I strongly advise you seek it if you aren't already, not idea how your healthcare system works, though.
  12. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    I've had numerous blood tests... they all come back as normal, pretty much. But now, clearly I have a testosterone problem (which is another thing that is impeding my erection - JUST WHAT I FUCKING NEED!!!), as I no longer experience the 'pump' at the gym.
  13. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    When you say you have a testosterone problem, are you saying your levels are low? That can be fixed with steroids, etc.
  14. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    Yes, they are low. However, I have no interest in 'fixing' them with steroids. Thanks though.
  15. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2019
  16. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    Thanks. But I've decided that NoFap is not for me! It simply messed up my hormones to that point now that I feel like a person with female characteristics! (One of those is that I'm now putting weight on my lower body!)

    Obviously I will not be going back to Porn, but I don't believe MOig once a day is bad for you - it's probably necessary. (I don't know why, it just feels that way!)
  17. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    SeekingWisdom and Pete McVries like this.
  18. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing. Maybe, I'll be able to grow a proper beard one day, if I follow that protocol :D... I will definitely try it out!
    JnanaYogiKarmaYogi likes this.
  19. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    OP, if you have only watched P and MO'd a few times or whatever in 2 years, and feel you haven't had much progress with ED, I would look elsewhere. Unless there is some thing you are doing that is impeding progress like looking at P subs for lengths of time and getting that Dopamine hit, which you'd know if you were doing that.
    I'd wager close to 100% of people that have ED which was originally caused by porn/mo who take extremely long times to recover or just stay with perpetual ED or just live with kinda workable erections forever ARE CONTINUOUSLY RELAPSING. These people, like myself, for long periods of the 7 years that I have been aware of PIED, might go 10-20-30 etc days hard mode then mess up, rinse and repeat for possibly years. THIS IS NOT YOU.
    I'll tell a story I haven't before. When I learned about PIED, immediately i started abstaining, but every 1 or two weeks I would relapse. After 6 months of this my erections, morning wood were somewhat better but still left a lot to be desired. Then I injured my penis, lets say akin to peyronie's disease. At this point my penis hurt (quite a lot) all day and especially if touched, moved, vibrations it was a fucking extremely horrible experience. I don't know how I kept my job as I was going fucking insane. The pain kept going away extremely slowly and after maybe a year and a half of this I found a surgeon to do surgery and while I'll always have a bit of slight bit of pain in my dick from scar tissue, nerves whatever, I'm good to go. This is the first time I've thought about this in a long time and feel very lucky.

    The reason I told this story is that during the time of the pain, getting erections or touching my dick was absolutely NO GO, both hurt a lot. So this was the silver lining as there was no way I could PMO. Even the slightest sexual thought I had to immediately put out of my brain.....After 8-10 months of this, I was far more cured than one could hope for. It was night and day. THE POINT IS I COULDN'T HELP GET ERECTIONS EVEN THOUGH THEY HURT LIKE FUCKIN HELL AND I THOUGHT I WAS DOING PENILE DAMAGE BY HAVING THEM. Girls would give me ROCK HARD erections at work that hurt like all hell and there was nothing I could do to stop it, I wasn't fantasizing, I was thinking about blowing my brains out....even so, couldn't stop them.

    Fast forward maybe 4 years. Sadly, when I don't have something to forcefully stop me from messing up, I will, I went back to porn thinking I could dabble and it would take a long time to get PIED again, it didn't....It took maybe 4 months. For the last two years I have been half ass rebooting doing the 10-20-30 day hard modes, and then messing up. I don't binge or edge and my erections have never come even anywhere close to how they were after I was forced to do it right. AFTER 2 YEARS. good enough to have sex but night and day difference.,

    This is to me what it should look like when someone like me, who had SEVERE PIED, goes full on hard mode for several months to a year with no or very little slip ups. If OP really went 2 years or whatever and only a few slip ups, and doesn't have raging hard ons and insatiable lust, I would look at other things like a couple other posters mentioned.

    Depression and Hormones.
    Now if your hormones really are not as good as they could be, I wouldn't be so fast to discount going on Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT) which is a completely different thing than "Taking steroids". I have been on and off TRT and it IMO ain't a big deal, and if it has the chance of maybe fixing your problem I wouldn't just immediately say "nope, dont wanna do that" without even looking into it. Most important thing is finding a good doctor that actually know what the hell they're doing. That said, I think depression may be more likely (though I was extremely depressed during the episode I talked about earlier and it didnt affect my erections), and about that I know very little other than that most SSRI's can GIVE YOU ED....
    Anyway post getting way too long so good luck.
  20. Guts

    Guts Active Member Staff Member

    How did this happen Doper? I always wanted to know your story ever since reading your journal.

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