35 years old willing to regain my life.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by theparanoid, Apr 28, 2019.

  1. theparanoid

    theparanoid New Member

    Hello friends,

    I'm 35 years old virgin man from Mumbai, India. I am broke, jobless, ugly, distracted, disorganized and always tired and sleepy, because I have this serious P&M addiction. I am a freelance graphic designer and a writer, but my financial condition is not very sound because I am a very distracted person. For almost all my life, I preferred P over any client's project of whatever amount, any given time. I think I have ADHD, but I'm yet to ascertain that. Will probably go to a psychiatrist sometimes soon.

    I had been trying to overcome this habit for a very long time. I had developed Journal writing habit about two years ago, joined gym about 6 months ago (I'm the worst performer there but that is not a deterrent because maybe my low performance in the gym is due to the fact that I overdo M which is bad for Testosterone accumulation in the body to build muscle and strength). I have started working with my windows and doors open for last 3 weeks and since the last week, I'm trying to make a habit of getting up early in the morning (I just read Hal Elrod's book Miracle Mornings, and I want to try becoming a morning person now). I had been taking small steps all the while, but now I think I should try with full might one final attempt to quit PMA. So I'm gathering all my good habits and I'm planning to utilize time well.

    I know its a tough task, its a long voyage. I am alone in a thunderous ocean with a small row boat. I need your prayers, your blessings, your emotional support. I have decided to put a fixed amount of my daily time on this forum for not just telling you friends about my attempts, but also about helping you all in yours. Please let me know when you read this. When you give me a reply, I'll feel like I'm not alone in this ocean, that my shame can be shared and my guilt can be divided. Please do reply.

    Be Blessed!
    LetsReclaimLife and Gil79 like this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    The ocean in a thunderstorm is scary, but be confident your boat will protect you. Paddling right next to you! You seem very serious and mature about this. You have taken the right steps. Looking forward to your updates.
    theparanoid and LetsReclaimLife like this.
  3. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Welcome aboard, theparanoid. Going to the gym is an excellent addition to your routine. Give it at least a year of consistent exercise to start seeing noticeable results in the body. But your mind will begin feeling better much sooner! In terms of being ugly, join the club. Fortunately, women are quite forgiving once you have enough confidence and your body is in good shape. And I know this sounds cheesy but beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.
    theparanoid and LetsReclaimLife like this.
  4. LetsReclaimLife

    LetsReclaimLife New Member

    Welcome to journey to NoFapping / PMO .. you are not alone ... good thing with you that you know the problem area and trying to fix it... one more thing buddy start working on your self image , every body is unique in his / her own way and we are master piece no another like single individual like you exits in the world , so be proud of what ever you have you are and try to become a better you..

    we almost all are trying the same over here .. trying to be a better version of our self ... and as you mentioned that you are from Mumbai , I think that city is know as financial capital of India and 5th most populous city in the world .. I believe that you can get hell lot of opportunities in terms of work and women both ....

    PMO is a challenge that we are facing and its resulting into a lot of troubles for us ... I am also a newbie over here ... but i have gone thru the journals and journey shared by the community .. together we can sail this ocean ....

    And if you are thinking that you have ADAH and you are also thinking of visiting a "Psychologists "... book a appointment today and do a visit ... believe me that's going to help you a-lot

    Success ....
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2019
    theparanoid likes this.
  5. theparanoid

    theparanoid New Member

    Well, I have certain 'memory' why I have this deep belief that I'm ugly. That goes like this. Back in the highschool, (I was around 16) I had a crush on a classmate. She was beautiful and intelligent and I liked her quite a lot. Some situation made me take her notes for some subject. I copied from her notes and next day returned her notebook. We smiled when I said thanks and she said welcome. Then I turned and walked a couple of steps away, as she was with her girl friends. I overheard a short talk, which till today, I regret hearing. This was something I should not have heard, or seen. One of her friends asked her if I and her had a scene and I turned to look at her expression and well, she gave a expression as if she was about to puke. Yuck. I still have the memory completely fresh. Her eyes rolled back, her hands in circular motion as we do when we signal our friends that we are about to puke. On the mention of my name. My Name. All her friends were in giggles and I was nearly in tears.

    This took a huge toll on my self confidence. A evening ago my teacher had made night by asking that girl to give me her notebook to copy, and I treated her notebook as a holy book, looking at her handwriting as a scroll excavated from an ancient site. The hours that I spent in copying from her book were a lot more exciting than home-work used to be for me. That one single incident made my youth nearly hell. Till this date, I have problems approaching ladies, more so if I have romantic inclinations. In my design training institute there were some nice girls and I liked one of my juniors, but even though my friends were helpful enough to create circumstances to bring us together, some unknown fears just blocked my body and mind from taking any steps.

    This fear also did trigger a certain dependency of P in my life. In my youth I was convinced that I deserve no good girl so P brought me the relief. I used to stay up all night on weekends (this was when I went to Mumbai - that city had High speed internet which was still a dream in my native town) to browse porn while my friends used to hang out, went for parties, trekking etc. And well, rest of the story is just as common as everyone's tale on this forum.

    But now I want to regain what I lost. ENDGAME SPOILER ALERT: I am not an Avenger, can't go back in time, but I can make myself a better person. I can work on my fears. I can practice to put my attention to the many ass-kicking ideas I had in mind which I just procrastinated upon. I have started to keep my doors and windows open all the time whenever I sit on computer (because my laptop is the primary source of my P access). I am a Hindu by religion and one of our mightiest God is a celibate. I have put his picture in my room and chant his sacred mantras before I start my work day. So yeah, I'm doing many things together. But still, accountability matters and for that I'm here, interacting with you folks. Lets help each other be better.
    Deleted User likes this.
  6. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    I've had similar situations in high school and can relate. It's a very traumatizing event that can shatter confidence at an early age but in reality it's meaningless. The girl might have done that whole act deliberately to not let her friends know she liked you, just in case you did not reciprocate.

    Interact with 100 women and you'll find a few who like you.

    Most of us on this forum had tough childhoods and bad influences that ruin our perception of the world. Most likely I feel you look fine and just need to take action to get out in the world. The first step which you are doing correctly is getting off PMO. The next is improving your body physically. You will be fine. Just take it one day at a time and be proud every day you don't revert to the addiction.
    theparanoid likes this.
  7. theparanoid

    theparanoid New Member

    I reset my Tracker counter.

    I won't call it relapse only for the sake of not being harsh on me. I am trying to change a lot of things in my personality, and some setbacks, some tiredness will certainly occur. Last evening, I did it after I was quite tired as after the morning Gym, I had to visit many places for some reason and I spent the whole day under the sun, left home at 11:30 AM and returned at 6. The traffic jams, the hot summer sun, the dust and smoke and sweat and noise, it worn me off. When I finally reached home, I wanted some rest, and then feeling bored, I went the downward spiral of PMO.

    But this is minor setback. I won't call it major relapse. This is something I had been doing for 16- 17 years now, and is almost a part of my routine. It will take a while to completely stop doing it. What is your opinion?
  8. theparanoid

    theparanoid New Member

    Yeah man! Together in this journey.

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