Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Depressed&Out, Jun 6, 2018.
The more speculative the bet, the more important it is to hedge.
@Depressed&Out Thats all good, but you can't stay at home all the time. In the weekend, go find yourself some fun activities to do and through these activities, you'll find new people. You'll make friends and you could even meet a girl you like. Just don't think about it too much. Only focus on doing the activities you love and I mean group activities and little by little you'll meet people. You'll also little by little learn how to talk around people. Don't try to force it though.
You can also meet people on the bus, you know. Just live your life and don't think about your problems too much.
It might take a year or two or even ten but as long as you are consistent, you're going to get there. Don't let depression or disappointment derail your progress.
As for your work, Google "job searching skills" and you'll be amazed how many ideas you find there. Read and polish your skills. Just like meeting people, this is also a skill that takes time to learn. You also need consistency.
I understand you've been doing this for a long time. All I'm saying is you should keep going and you should also polish your skills. You'll get there.
Always smile and focus on what's good in your life. You might say you have no good in your life, but I'm telling everyone has good in their lives. You just need to find it.
Adopt an optimistic mindset.
BTW, I've been where you are. I've had an even worse life. At least you have somewhere to sleep. I've seen hell, but things are much better now because I never gave up. And I didnt rush things.
You said you made improvements. There! you see. You can do it. There are no quick fixes in life.
We're all in this together.
I think this is a rather grim and shallow view of the world. I understand that with an average income you probably won't be able to book a trip at Virgin Galactic, but that still doesn't mean you can't have a fullfilling life. Perhaps you should change your view of what makes a life fullfilling.
So, unfortunately I relapsed last night to PMO. Devastated of course, and wary of what's to come in terms of symptoms.
However, going three years with no PMO and rarely any sexual stimulation (apart from MO and fantasy) was really difficult at the end. Ultimately I am still an older virgin whose had ver, very limited amount with the opposite sex. I'm not making excuses, but it's really difficult going through life without a female companion or sexual excitation.
However, the early signs are good - my penis looks the same. I haven't checked my erection quality as I'm frankly too scared to do that.
The relapse itself was a minor relapse; i checked 4-5 pictures during a spell of no more than 5 minutes. I started feeling of excitation in my head and stomach. Not sure if this is how sex feels like or is it certainly the addiction?
The orgasm was not that intense. However, the orgasm was different..... I felt neural pathways in my brain activating. It actually wasn't nice as it reminded me of a feeling that I forgot (or maybe not even noticed before as this is the first time I had reverted back to PMO following a lengthy spell). After the ejculation, I started shaking, feeling nervous, feeling sick, feeling suicidal and I simply... well, sick, shaking, crying, suicidal, etc. I couldn't sleep afterwards, but eventually I got a decent night's sleep.
The next day (this morning) I woke up feeling better, albeit a little bit too anxious from yesterday still. I'm feeling a little bit tired (could be due to the energy of PMO or the anxiety). A little bit of a loss of appetite. When attempting to think about sex, I feel brain heating up. My penis looked fine (ie, it's not dead and not shrunk).
Overall I'm devastated and still a little bit sick. However, those are likely to be induced by the psychological aspects of our fight against PMO ('cause PMO is conceptualised in our brain as a negative thing). But thinking about it rationally, I don't believe this relapse has set me back too much. This is not an invitation to be complacent, it's simply my observation of someone that was for a long time without PMO and relapsed a 'normal' relapse. I don't believe it sets you back significantly, maybe 3 months at worse?
Does anyone have any questions, while my mind is still fresh from this?
If not, I hope maybe we can learn something from this?
You went 3 years without PMO?
Sorry. Now I read your first post. You made huge progress. I think that you overestimate girls. They arnt all perfect. Same as with us.
I agree that you dont have much chances with some sucessful higher status women. But there are plenty of fine women without crazy ambitions.
Life writes diffrent scenarios.
I dont know shit. But in your shoes I would go to hookers. If sth go wrong while sex, you dont care. She dont care. You will gain some experience.
Dont wait for princess from dreams.
I want to preface my statements with the fact I'm proud of you Mr. Depressed&Out, for conquering your porn addiction. It's an incredible accomplishment you should be proud of. That being said....
You don't have PIED. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN!!!!
Unless for those 3 years you were jerking off say, a couple time at least every week.
No one in their right mind is going to tell you to keep abstaining in the hopes that it is going to do anything. It isn't. STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. Having a 5 minute relapse is literally the LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS. I think the first thing you should do is seek a therapist.
There are two options:
1. You have erectile or libido problems that have nothing to do with porn. (less likely)
2. Your body is functioning normally. (more likely)
When you responded to me the last time, the points you made were.....not scientifically logical, to say the least. But let's just focus on the one that is of most relevance:
- The only symptom of PIED that is of much importance is if your dick works with porn, but then doesn't with women.....you don't know if this is the case because you haven't tried.
Like Kurkuror said, go and get with a hooker, several times, and report back.
I'm not going to a hooker, this is a last resort thing. Maybe if I'm 40 plus or something.
Maybe I have PIED or maybe I don't. I can tell you that my erection, during my relapse, was not full. I had to play with myself and even then it was no stronger when fantasizing. In fact, when I ejaculated, my dick felt a little bit limp than usual. Not sure why.
I agree abstaining is never going to fully heal me. I need to rewire to a female so that my brain can pick up the cues about real sex and that my brain can experience the 'positive' hormones (oxytocin, etc) for the first time in its life so that the bad neural pathways can melt away. The problem is, I'm not able to find a GF.
BTW, about '- The only symptom of PIED that is of much importance is if your dick works with porn, but then doesn't with women.....you don't know if this is the case because you haven't tried.'
A few months ago before lockdown, I went out clubbing and started dancing and kissing a beautiful woman. I didn't get much bonner. It was enjoyable kissing her, but there was no movement down there. Therefore that's why I think it's still PIED.
Thank you for your input, all.
I dont want to confuse you. You got your plan. Noone know excatlly how longer peroids of abstaining will affect you.
If your biggest need now is girlfriend. Push in that direction as hard as you can. Without fear. Without overthinking. More moves less talking.
You are close already.
I think it would be good to work on your social skills and yourself in general, becoming the person you want to be. Looking for professional help can be a good one, if you haven’t already. Abstaining is not the same as recovery. If you’ve been away from porn so long and are still struggling with ED like problems, it’s probably not all porn related.
If you learn to become comfortable around woman, and woman are comfortable around you. Sooner or later you’ll meet someone with a mutual interest and can start a relationship. Which would be a safe base to rewiring and bonding. Relaxing in it is more important than rushing in it because you need a woman so bad. A woman is not a tool or something. She’ll need to get something out of the relationship too.
Stay away from PMO and FMO when working on the above and you’ll be alright.
My social skills are quite good and confident, actually. The problem has always been money (can't g out) or when I do have money, I live in a restricted area socially.
My mum asked me to do a bit of gardening for which I reluctantly agreed. As I was doing it, my thoughts about you know what (ie, me being an older virgin whose had no fun in life and is currently stuck in his mother's home unable to get his own place or a GF) where controlling my mind, and then I suddenly threw the pitchfork on the floor, shouted 'FUCK OFF!' and stormed back to my room.
This is the state that I'm fucking in now! If the activity has no direct influence towards me achieving my goals, then I'm simply not fucking motivated to do it! I'm not motivated about anything in life apart from doing the things that will eventually help me get regular sex life!! (ie, going to the gym, working, studying, etc).
This is the state of an old virgin, ladies and gentlemen. I fucking despise who I am.
I think you are idolizing sex too much. Yes it is a wonderful thing, but so are many other aspects of life. You probably won't get as much out of things like the gym, working, studying if you are doing them solely for the purpose of getting sex.
Your problem is that you just want to complain and put the blame on your circumstances. If you don’t change your victim mentality, you’ll always be the man you hate to be.
Also, get some professional help for your depression and anger.
I sometimes wonder if I'm causing myself more problems than it's worth. And, to be honest, I don't care. Ever since I ditched religion, I vowed to live like a human being minimizing culture and society's input!
Sex is a normal human thing to do, so I'm right in beating myself up about it! Especially as I'm an older virgin whose chances of ever achieving a satisfactory sexual life is reducing by the day (how it feels!!).
I use this board to vent my anger and depression. Yes, it also happens a bit in real life, but the truth is that I've repressed my feelings all my adult life, it's no wonder I'm now breaking. Everyone has a breaking point.
The trouble is beating yourself up about is taking you further from your goal/s. You can't change your history - you have to come to terms with it. I've had a very limited sex life. A major factor in my only long term relationship breaking down was my stupid decision to use way too much porn. So at least you will have kicked habit before starting a relationship; meaning it can actually be successful.
You need to find happiness in other things. That is what I'm doing. See any sex as a bonus, not lack of sex as torture.
Not sure if I am getting this righ, but:
1) you have low self esteem bc you consider yourself a virgin
2) nothing but sex (or apparant means to achieve it) seems wortwhile to you
3) there is like this debatable, but very sturdy idea that low self esteem equals being less attractive to others
(Or being attractive to the wrong kinda crowd)
You have built yourself quite the effective prison, no?
Dude, I feel your pain. Ish. Been ultraradioactively depressed and rather unfuckable in my twenties. I had some affairs, but dude are these nit worth it.
Drop the belief of 'virgins are useless' or keep letting it guide you further down the road yer on. Mother Theresa didn't get laid much either, and however you feel about her, useless, devoid of meaning she sure wasn't. As were millions of others.
Sorry, rant over. Take care.
Thanks for the advice. I wouldn't say I've got low self-esteem apart from about my arse that's getting bigger everyday! Once that arse is big enough to stick out (it's sticking out a little bit already!) then I'm sure I'm going to feel lower.
It mainly because I missed out on so much fun in 20s (mainly about sex!). I have nothing to look back on. Not one kiss, not one hug, not once holding of hand and not even one flirtatious or romantic conversation with a female.
My 30s are only slightly better! (kissed two girls in a night club and doing speed dating - but that's it!!).
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