34 y/o - VIRGIN - Depressed - PIED!

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Depressed&Out, Jun 6, 2018.

  1. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    While porn may play a role in erectile dysfunctions of some of the people here, I don't think the fact that one watches porn and has erectile issues is a simple case of A + B = C. There may be many reasons why someone has ED, including psychological ones. I often wonder what effect all this worrying about our penises and feeling bad about watching porn on our penises. Ofcourse I can't tell this is your case from just a few posts on a forum, but from your list of results to me a psychological cause makes more sense than porn. Perhaps you might see some positive results by accepting that you are doing not so bad at all and stop worrying about the state of your erection:)
     
  2. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Seems you go through very same things that I do. I too have female characteristics in me that are pornographic testosterone related. Depression is probably very common thing to have when battling this all but know not everyone have it even though in same mess. My hormones and life in general have been fucked but I'm not depressed in the least. Just go on tiger. Things are bound to turn good eventually of you try and do your best. Goodluck
     
  3. Doper

    Doper Active Member

    OP, if you have only watched P and MO'd a few times or whatever in 2 years, and feel you haven't had much progress with ED, I would look elsewhere. Unless there is some thing you are doing that is impeding progress like looking at P subs for lengths of time and getting that Dopamine hit, which you'd know if you were doing that.
    I'd wager close to 100% of people that have ED which was originally caused by porn/mo who take extremely long times to recover or just stay with perpetual ED or just live with kinda workable erections forever ARE CONTINUOUSLY RELAPSING. These people, like myself, for long periods of the 7 years that I have been aware of PIED, might go 10-20-30 etc days hard mode then mess up, rinse and repeat for possibly years. THIS IS NOT YOU.
    I'll tell a story I haven't before. When I learned about PIED, immediately i started abstaining, but every 1 or two weeks I would relapse. After 6 months of this my erections, morning wood were somewhat better but still left a lot to be desired. Then I injured my penis, lets say akin to peyronie's disease. At this point my penis hurt (quite a lot) all day and especially if touched, moved, vibrations it was a fucking extremely horrible experience. I don't know how I kept my job as I was going fucking insane. The pain kept going away extremely slowly and after maybe a year and a half of this I found a surgeon to do surgery and while I'll always have a bit of slight bit of pain in my dick from scar tissue, nerves whatever, I'm good to go. This is the first time I've thought about this in a long time and feel very lucky.

    The reason I told this story is that during the time of the pain, getting erections or touching my dick was absolutely NO GO, both hurt a lot. So this was the silver lining as there was no way I could PMO. Even the slightest sexual thought I had to immediately put out of my brain.....After 8-10 months of this, I was far more cured than one could hope for. It was night and day. THE POINT IS I COULDN'T HELP GET ERECTIONS EVEN THOUGH THEY HURT LIKE FUCKIN HELL AND I THOUGHT I WAS DOING PENILE DAMAGE BY HAVING THEM. Girls would give me ROCK HARD erections at work that hurt like all hell and there was nothing I could do to stop it, I wasn't fantasizing, I was thinking about blowing my brains out....even so, couldn't stop them.

    Fast forward maybe 4 years. Sadly, when I don't have something to forcefully stop me from messing up, I will, I went back to porn thinking I could dabble and it would take a long time to get PIED again, it didn't....It took maybe 4 months. For the last two years I have been half ass rebooting doing the 10-20-30 day hard modes, and then messing up. I don't binge or edge and my erections have never come even anywhere close to how they were after I was forced to do it right. AFTER 2 YEARS. good enough to have sex but night and day difference.,

    This is to me what it should look like when someone like me, who had SEVERE PIED, goes full on hard mode for several months to a year with no or very little slip ups. If OP really went 2 years or whatever and only a few slip ups, and doesn't have raging hard ons and insatiable lust, I would look at other things like a couple other posters mentioned.

    Depression and Hormones.
    Now if your hormones really are not as good as they could be, I wouldn't be so fast to discount going on Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT) which is a completely different thing than "Taking steroids". I have been on and off TRT and it IMO ain't a big deal, and if it has the chance of maybe fixing your problem I wouldn't just immediately say "nope, dont wanna do that" without even looking into it. Most important thing is finding a good doctor that actually know what the hell they're doing. That said, I think depression may be more likely (though I was extremely depressed during the episode I talked about earlier and it didnt affect my erections), and about that I know very little other than that most SSRI's can GIVE YOU ED....
    Anyway post getting way too long so good luck.
     
  4. Guts

    Guts Active Member Staff Member

    How did this happen Doper? I always wanted to know your story ever since reading your journal.
     
  5. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Yes thanks Doper.
    Your post inspired me to try something new
     
  6. Doper

    Doper Active Member

    Your welcome jack

    Guts - I don't want to hijack this guys thread, but I'll try to explain. I'm not really sure what the hell happened, it wasn't peyronies, I just said that to simplify my massive post, the swelling/lump was in the dartos fascia. I think I originally got it from doing PE exercises (don't do that) back when I was too young to think logically about it. One day I woke up with this hard lump on my dick under the skin, it wasn't painful but irritating if touched, I went to a Uro he didn't think much of it. I wanted it gone, and for reasons (ill thought out) I won't get into cuz itll make the thread too long I smushed it hard with my fingers, and over the next few days the lump swelled up several times bigger, and got very painful, my dick got red as fuck....horrific. literally a fly landing on the lump would hurt. So much so I was so scared of a urologist/doctor touching it and making it worse, I didn't go to doctor for a long time. I wouldn't judge that decision too harshly because if the pain did get worse I would have to quit my job, and the situation was extremely slowly getting better/stabilizing...and if you've ever had uro's handle your junk you'd know they are not gentle, this seems to be universal I've learned) As well the first couple were idiots. I found a surgeon and he immediately told me what he thought, that the lump was infected, I thought this was also likely as the amount of pain.
    Anyhow, I was awake for the operation when he cut this lump out of me, I watched him pull it out. The nurse asked me if I'd ever injected fillers in my penis for enlargement (as this was obviously a strange finding). nope. Interesting experience watching your dick being cut open. I don't know how the hell this happened but in the time I was searching the internet for answers I've seen some weird shit. thankfully back to relative normal now, no terrible pain.
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2019
    Guts likes this.
  7. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    Nothing major in terms of ED clearing up, but recently I've been going clubbing. Last night I met this beautiful woman and we both got friendly with each other. (hugging and laughing and stuff). Nothing happened afterwards unfortunately. But it was a beautiful experience. I could feel the feel-good hormones (albeit it with around 50% intensity). We also kissed on the lips for a few seconds. My boner was at around 2/3 out of 10, but at least there's life there. It was great getting physical with her, even though it was nothing too sexual.

    Since then, I've been feeling more movement down there when simply thinking about my experience last night or even been around women in general.

    A small positive step forward, I hope.
     
    Kichijiro likes this.
  8. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    Went out on Saturday night again, danced with a woman again, and this time we kissed(tongues) and danced while we both enjoyed touching each others' private parts! :lol: It was sooooooooooo sweet touching her..... wow! Unfortunately she had to leave as she appeared upset having come back from the toilet. I tried to see what happened, but she had to go. Oh well... it was great touching that hot body! My erection were about at 4/10.
     
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  9. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    You're doing really well!
     
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  10. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Nice one man, sounds like you're really putting yourself out there, keep it up!
     
    Depressed&Out likes this.
  11. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    So... I went out last night to a club and managed to get some hot action with a beautiful woman.

    We were dancing, kissing and touching each other for well over 2 hours nearly none-stop!

    It didn't end in anything as she wasn't looking for sex, which is fine as I had no place to take her to anyway! (She lived out of town).

    However, unfortunately i got very little movement down there. [​IMG] I don't know why. [​IMG] I've been PMO free for over two years now and when doing MO (I have been MOing once or twice a week for the past few months) I actually get erection easier (following a sexual thought). But when I was dancing and touching that woman.... there was no erection.

    It was soo great being with that woman, she was very hot.
     
  12. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    Today I sort of relapsed.

    I was browsing for a realistic vagina toy (which is better than using your hands, if you're susceptible to MO!), and ufortunately I saw many pornographic photos. I didn't MO, but I did MO this morning before I actually browsed the toys. Therefore, nuerons that fire together will wire together even in such scenario.

    I'm just so fucking fed up without having any sexual, or even emotional stimulation, whatsoever. It just feels so unnatural and humane. I'm it doesn't make sense to limit everything sexual even if it's artifical. Browsing the odd photo here and there is surely not going to set one back too much?

    I'm just so fecking fed up, sick and depressed of this shit. I was doing very well before this fucking lockdown started! It's as though life is fucking tellin me it's not meant to be!! So fucking angry.

    I just feel like giving up and just living on Porn and realistic sex toys.

    JUST SO FUCKING FED UP MAN!! I bet nobody has been through such restricted sexuality as I have. Even in my PMO days, I didn't fully enjoy it as I was religious!

    I have no sexuality, I have no intimacy, I have no connection, I have no one to talk to or to feel physcial with - and I never have and never even came FUCKING CAME CLOSE!!!

    My post on here rately make sense because when I'm composing it, I feel really depressed and emotional.

    I CAN'T FUCKING EXPRESS HOW HARD IT IS, AS A 37 YO, HOW TO GO ALL THE WAY THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT ANY INTIMACY!

    If my fight worth all this effort? I'M BOUND TO NEVER BE WITH A GIRL THAT i TRUELY LIKE - IT'S SO OBVIOUS THAT I'M GOING TO BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO MAY WELL HAVE TO SETTLE RATHER THAN FIND THEIR DREAM GF!!

    FUCK LIFE! FUCK CHADS!! FUCK OFF! JUST FUCK OFF!!!
     
  13. Shady

    Shady Member

    Set some boundaries. Will power is not enough. Extreme boundaries, I mean.

    You need to set goals and take a look at the bigger picture.

    Relapse shouldn't hold you back. You should keep going after a relapse.

    And definitely don't look for vaginas while on reboot.

    You've waited 37 years, what's one more? Or two or even three? Give it time. The damage was done over 37 years so recovery is gonna take a while.
     
  14. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    I have nothing left to fight on. I've been fighting life on my own pretty much ever since I turned an adult. Over 20 years now.... I've just had enough and suicidal thoughts are entering my mind.

    To be honest, nothing any family members or a psychotherapist would say (the highest form of help, I suppose) is ever going to make me feel strong enough to figh on.... because fighting on alone is now destroying me.

    The only think that would help me is a bit of intimacy with a female that I like - it's gotten that bad. There is no way I will be able to get a GF while I'm in an emotional state such as this, and that's even before she finds out about PIED and the fact that my body is putting on weight every day! (my arse in particular)

    Now do you see what sort of worries I have in my head??? PIED, emotional problems and a mysterious fat gain condition - in addition to a souless existance/past.

    ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!!
     
  15. I understand that you’re very sad and angry, and that you just can’t cope with life at the moment. Those are some tough emotions to deal with man! You write that you’re done fighting. Maybe it’s time to stop fighting the negative and start building the positive? I know this is easier said than done. It took me years to begin to grasp that, and I’m still learning.

    Just know that, as long as you’re talking yourself down, you will not get what you want. It seems to me you’re living in your own, self fulfilling prophecies. “There is no way I will be able to get a GF while I’m in an emotional state such as this”. Why not? You’re just as much worthy of love as everyone else! If you find a girl who loves you at your worst? Then that’s freaking amazing man! And she’ll most definitely love you on your best days then. If intimacy is what you truly crave, I don’t think you’ll find it on the dancefloor with strangers to be honest. Just try making some friends or talking to colleagues. Relax. Don’t try to immediately date or be with every woman you encounter. If it clicks, it clicks. And then you can ask her out and try to see her more often in a clumsy way. There is no such thing as perfection and believe me, women that should matter to you aren’t looking for it either. Honesty and standing for something are much more sought after.

    About your PIED, do you get hard when you M? If so there is nothing wrong with you physically. You just need to wire yourself to the real thing. The best way to do that is to not think about it while bonding with a girl. Just enjoy the sensations and experience it. What helped me tremendously in my relationship was being honest. I explained I could get anxious if she touched me and that that could lead to me not having an erection. Doing so helped me relax and that is what really helped and cured my PIED. Honesty, vulnerability and trust are incredibly important for true intimacy.

    What also won’t get you out of this, is the complaining over, and hate for, your own life. You’re doing it a lot and by doing so, you’re basically meditating on self-hate. How do you expect a change if that’s what you’re putting your magnifying glass upon? You can start making better choices today, you don’t have to be a slave to your past, the way you were raised or the burden of religion. If you have faith, or better yet, a relationship with your creator, then that’s absolutely wonderful! But religion brings nothing. We can’t follow those laws flawlessly. These laws merely exist to point out where we need God’s grace. And He gladly gives that. As a matter of fact, He gave his life for it.

    Tomorrow when you wake up, write down 1 thing you are grateful for. It might be a roof over your head, the taste of your breakfast, the breath in your longs, being physically healthy, being able to walk, etc etc. There are a million things to be thankful for, we just have to learn to see them. Believe me when I say your life will drastically change when you start practicing gratitude.

    Hang in there man. There’s hope. There is always hope.

    Be blessed.
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2020 at 5:46 PM
    Living likes this.
  16. Shady

    Shady Member

    You know that way of thinking is what's causing you to relapse. You shouldn't be thinking about it too much. So stop feeling bad about yourself.
    Be thankful for what you already have.
    You mentioned your family members. You have that. Not everyone has that. Spend some time with them. Get closer to them.
    Maybe you have a bad life but if you keep ranting about it, you're not going to get any better and you'll be trapped in an endless cycle.
    Man up and start picking up the pieces.
     
  17. Stubborn

    Stubborn New Member

    I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. You're not alone!

    This culture we're all living in has a horrible way of making us believe that being desired sexually is the highest form of approval and the ultimate measure of our self worth. (Don't even get me started on body image expectations!)
    THIS IS NOT TRUE!!!
    You have value and dignity as a person that is ABSOLUTE and it doesn't depend on the opinions of anyone else! I know that might be a small comfort when you've decided that sexual intimacy is what you really want, but it's the truth!

    @BoughtWithBlood has a real point about self-sabotage and living in "self fulfilling prophecies." When you wrote “There is no way I will be able to get a GF while I’m in an emotional state such as this” it made me want to offer a couple of ideas to you:

    First of all, everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) you tell yourself in this life becomes a little more true each time you speak it, write it or think it. I understand the despair caused by loneliness. I really do. However, instead of telling yourself things like "There is no way I will be able to..." you'll serve yourself far better by focusing on all the ways that you are worthy and deserving of love. And you really are! I'm not just saying it to make you feel better! This brings me to the second idea...

    You are an emotional person. That is something to be damned proud of! Today's "emotional state" doesn't define you. It isn't who you are! It's something you're moving through. WHO YOU ARE is somebody who's intelligent enough to reflect on your feelings and to talk about them with others! Not everyone has this skill! In my experience, this is something that women our age value very highly in a man; the ability to feel and communicate his emotions. You, my friend, are a communicator! It comes through in your writing! There are women out there, sick of dealing with "boys" and they would love to find somebody like you who's willing to do the difficult emotional work.

    I'm sorry this is getting long but one last thing to keep in mind is that comparing real intimacy to the porn we're all recovering from is like comparing real law enforcement to a Bruce Willis film! In the real world, erections melt away, smooth talkers say the dumbest shit imaginable, beautiful women fart, pets jump up on the bed, people hurt themselves on pointy furniture, etc, etc. You can have a damn enjoyable and super fun night with a girl and never even take off your underwear!

    I guess this is all very "intimacy-centric" advice. It's all in the spirit of encouragement and honestly, you can disregard the whole thing if it's not helpful! The only really important thing I've said in all this is that you are just fine the way you are! You're a good and worthy person! Sex doesn't change that.

    Don't give up! You're doing great!
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  18. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I really agree with what @BoughtWithBlood said. While I fully understand that you would like to have a GF, it's not like your life is not worth anything if you don't. There is so much in life that makes it worthwhile. Whether you are single or not, being able to be content by yourself is a great thing to cultivate.
     
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  19. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

     
  20. Depressed&Out

    Depressed&Out Member

    My family are a major stressor to my life. I need family, yes. but I don't need to be this close to them all the time!!! I'm 37 y/o and never left home! That's a sickening feeling!! My family are not a help while I'm stuck with them. They are more of a help if I'm living away from them.

    I don't need to be with them 24/7, that's actually bad for your mental health!

    Man up and pick up the pieces? That's what I'm fucking doing, man!!! When I was 22/23, I couldn't get a job for the next 7 years. Here I am, picking up the piecies!! (by working hard and saving hard). However, this journey is not an easy one as one implication of going without a job for so long, is the lack of option!! (no money means no going out and so no GF!! it's simple!) But here i am, picking up the piecies but the projet is a deeply difficult one to fully complete (ie, to save enouhg money for own house).

    Seriously, I think you underestimate my plight in the past and underestimate the repaire job that I'm having to do now. It's basically this:

    Past (roughly from teenager until 29:

    NO JOB (or a few temporary ones that were not ennough for me to build future on)
    NO MONEY
    NO FRIENDS
    NO NIGHTS OUT
    NO PARTYS
    NO GF
    NO TRAVELING
    NO FUN
    NO DEEP CONNECTION
    LONNINESS
    DESPAIR
    DEPRESSION
    ANGER
    TEARS
    UNCERTAINTY
    IDENTITY CONFUSION (I'm from middle east but not too traditional and therefore I didnt keep in touch with my culture. But at the same time, not too British. Therefore, no alchohol, GF, etc) I was stuck in the middle.

    Just day after day trying to a find job so I could build a foundation on that (ie, save money for property and marraige)

    NOW (from 30 until now):

    HARD WORK
    HARD SAVING
    HARD STUDYING
    ISOLATION (i live in a village outside of city and relay on buses - therefore a lot of my time is taken up by commute to work)
    NO true FRIENDS (becuase I'm too isolated and need to save money)
    NO true nights out (only with friends that I dont neccesssarily want to be friends with, but I have to as I don't habe other option apart from lonniness)
    DEPRESSION
    PIED
    FAT GAIN
    NO GF
    NO DEEP CONNECTION
    NO TRAVELING
    NO PARTYS
    ANGER
    TEARS
    But at least I'm more certain about my own identity (humanist and liberal).

    OKAY? This is the sort of live I had to life and is living a the moment.

    Yes, I've made huge improvements, but it's slow progess and it' still accompanied with negatives such as lonniness).
     
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