34 y/o - VIRGIN - Depressed - PIED!

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by SuicidalVirgin, Jun 6, 2018.

  1. SuicidalVirgin

    SuicidalVirgin New Member

    Hello,

    So far, my story, in terms of sex/relationships, is ZERO.

    No sex, no relationships, no dating, no intimate moments and 99.9% absence of females in my life.(apart from relatives) Women are like aliens to me..... and I'm extremely sick and devastated at how my life turned out.

    It all started at around 16: at school I was not a confident person and didn't make many friends. Therefore, when I left school, I immediately had no friends, I spent most of my time (as I do now) alone.

    Also, at that age, as I was relatively new to Western culture, I had identity conflict: even though I come from liberal background, I knew drinking, partying and girls were immediately off limits for me - which is very sad for a young person. Very, very sad, I can confirm. :(

    Anyway, as I didn't see myself fitting in, especially as a loner, I carried on with life pretty much alone. (My family were always there, but our relationships are dysfunctional).

    To make things worse, due to my confidence issues, my employment prospects suffered. When I was 19, I couldn't find a job for two years. Then I found some temporary jobs for the next couple of years. Then, when I was 22, I again was unemployed - and this time this was devastating: I was unemployed for the next 7 years. Until the age of 29.

    This meant that, in additions to confidence issues, lack of friends and an uncertain identity, I didn't have money, therefore I couldn't move out of my parent's home. (I still live there!!) I couldn't do anything else, I couldn't go on holidays, I couldn't buy some new stuff; I was just sick being without money, girls and friendship.

    Everything in my life was routine: get up, go to work/or do job search when unemployed, go to the gym and back home in the evening. Very rarely any nights out - still never really had one proper night out, to be honest.

    During that time, my adolescence worries and mild sadness, became, when I reached 29, deep depression, stress and despair about life. I was frequently suicidal.

    At around 2013, I finally broke my employment duck and found a job, that I'm still at right now. Even though it's been good having and saving good money (live with parents, so the disposable income is a rare positive!), my mental state still continued to down spiral. I actually hate my job and is searching for a new one, but unfortunately my job now is a negative reinforcer in my life. (In terms of the stress and depression.)

    Anyway, in 2014, I fell for a girl (basically I 'knew' her on facebook, she was someone that, in real life, I first came across at around 20 y/o, but obviously I couldn't ask her out) and became even more depressed. I then started experiencing PIED.

    At first, I thought PIED was down to the depression and the deep emotional state that I put myself under all those years.

    In early 2017, I discovered Gary Wilson's TedX talk and then started rebooting almost immediately. Unfortunately, during my 2017 reboot, I relapsed to PMO 2-3 times - the last time which was in August 2017. This relapse basically made me go cold turkey on PMO, I completely lost interest in Porn, and confusingly in sex too, after this relapse. The day after the relapse, as I went to to check my erection, I noticed my penis size had shrunk and there was even less blood flow. This effect is still with me today. :(

    From that moment, I felt utter despair - that was my lowest moment. Since then, I've gone through hardmode, which I am currently going through now again - but unfortunately no improvements so far.

    I'm suspecting that, as I didn't take the opportunity in my adolescence years to form the brain pathways of sex, this meant that this pathway was never built up during that time - which is the crucial period of consolidation of the existing pathways. Which could well mean that I will never be able to recover, as my brain does not have the 'natural' state to go back to. (Just the old Porn pathways.)

    This uncertainty about my recovery prospects is completely killing me everyday. I will never know this until I get with a girl. (at the moment, as I still have to live with parents, I can't approach girls, what's the point??)

    Anyway, that's pretty much a story of my utterly, sad and pathetic life.

    Sorry for the long article.
     
    coyote likes this.
  2. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    You're very similar to me and I wish you luck.

    Have you really watched no porn since August? That's really good going!
     
  3. ClimbXR

    ClimbXR Active Member

    There are many people like you and my situation is extremely similar to yours. I'm also the same age. All I can say is that if you stick to a routine and keep working on improving yourself, things will get better.

    The fact that you have a job is a huge plus. I'd try to break your life into three spheres: Health, Wealth, Love. Pick one that is in your control and put all your energy in improving it. Repeat till all three are good.

    So you have a job, so the wealth sphere is okay..... I'd focus on improving your health next as much as possible. That probably means working out as much as possible and not PMOing. Also it's good to pick 2-3 activities to do per week to get you out of the house and just be around people. You don't even have to talk much at first.

    Good luck and remember, there are tons of guys like you going through this. The key is to try to get better every day and you will!
     
  4. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Brain never gets back to something, we recover and be completely new. I hope you well and will check your journal whenever you post something!
     
  5. SuicidalVirgin

    SuicidalVirgin New Member

    Hello,

    Yeah, since August. No even tempted by it anymore. But it's frustrating to see that no progress has been made.
     
  6. SuicidalVirgin

    SuicidalVirgin New Member


    Thank you, I'm certainly doing those stuff. Waiting for this time next year, to hopefully be able to move out of parents' home.
     
  7. SuicidalVirgin

    SuicidalVirgin New Member

    Thanks. This forum seems to be more active than Reboot Nation, hence why I joined.
     
  8. SuicidalVirgin

    SuicidalVirgin New Member

    I have noticed that those early June MO relapses have now reduced my penis' blood flow even more (so now I'm even worse than at the beginning of this journey! :( ) and have also diminished my MW completely. Despite the fact that I have not PMOed since August 2017, my penis erection is even worse now!! :(

    I feel like this is fucking hopeless. I feel so frustrated right now that all of my hard work have been wiped out (as measured by the erection quality).

    Fucking feel so suicidal about this shit. I've had enough.
     
  9. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Hang on man. Things arent so hopeless than they seem. Great many recovers eventually!
     
  10. ClimbXR

    ClimbXR Active Member

    Don't think about your penis. The body has an amazing ability to recover. Just focus on things you can improve in other areas of your life.
     
  11. SuicidalVirgin

    SuicidalVirgin New Member

    I am focusing on other areas of my life - I would say I'm productive. (I plan my life around my job, studies and the gym. And, when I'm at home with free time, I watch productive YouTube videos most of the time. (You know, about PIED, motivation clips, yoga clips, Red Pill clips, etc.) I also have good control of my finances and meditate often.

    There's really not much I can improve on at this moment. Maybe if I had prior experience with women before this PIED issue occurred, then maybe I would have been more relaxed about it. But the possibility of going through all of my life without ever experiencing what 'normal' sex would be, is killing me from the inside and outside.

    And also the uncertainty of whether my dick would be erect if/when I finally get in bed with a woman, is also causing me huge anxiety. I know this isn't productive, but it really is very difficult to just forget about it.
     
  12. ClimbXR

    ClimbXR Active Member

    Ok, so sitting in front of a computer and watching youtube videos is like crack/cocaine. It's not good for people like us. I've cut down online video watching down to about 1 hour a day and try to be outside at some kind of event. It's really good to be around real humans. It does take a lot of energy and maybe logistically it's not possible but please try to limit your "ass time" when you don't have to sit. It's not healthy. (Just my opinion).
     
  13. SuicidalVirgin

    SuicidalVirgin New Member

    I see. I do sometimes feel something in my head once I've spent a lot of time watching a clip to another - something hot and sometimes feels like my brain is moving a little bit.

    I honestly feel like giving up. It truly feels utterly hopeless. I can see now why Gary Wilson mentioned that some people may never recover.
     
  14. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    That's good that you have work and get exercise. However, what steps are you making to meet women to perhaps make friends with and maybe date?
    Have you tried online dating, speed dating or a hobby group that would involve making friends with women?
     
  15. SuicidalVirgin

    SuicidalVirgin New Member

    At the moment I live with my parents, I don't really have the confidence in approaching women only for them to find out that I still live at home. There isn't much point anyway as we won't be able to have any privacy.

    Hopefully this time next year, when I've raised enough capital for a deposit on a house, I will move out. (not immediately into a mortgage, but just to move out with secure financial state would be a step forward)

    Today is the first time that I felt surrendered to my fate - I'm now semi-resigned that this might be it, and that I may well never recover again.

    It's interesting that symptoms of PIED (erection quality, lack of response to sexual stimuli, etc) is very similar to people who have the same symptoms but derived from side-effects of Anti-Depressants. It's possible that my symptoms, while yes is due to PIED, is also down to the effects of chronic depression (I've never taken medication for it, however). At the moment, nobody knows how to cure those symptoms derived from Anti-Depressants use (it may well be permanent) so I'm not too hopeful about ever my mind returning back to anything like it was before I started experiencing those symptoms.


    Utterly devastated and broken today. Going through life without sex and relationship is truly a serious possibility to me now. :(
     
  16. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    That's a shame about living at home. I was in the same situation until a year and a half ago. Any women I dated at the time didn't have an issue with it even though I feared they would.

    Anyway, you seem resigned to your fate. Unfortunately, your dating life won't change unless you take a chance, it's up to you really. You can wait until you move out but I can say from experience that dating won't magically become easier when you move out, it's still hard work and requires effort at times
    Best of luck
     
    Londoner likes this.
  17. SuicidalVirgin

    SuicidalVirgin New Member

    Thanks. I might still approach women, especially if I like her and I think I stand a shot and she might be the non-judgmental type, but god knows what will happen if we ever make it to the bedroom.
     
  18. ClimbXR

    ClimbXR Active Member

    I was 28 when I lost my virginity and I was terrible. Came in like a minute. The girl was understanding and still wanted to have sex again. The key is to build a strong emotional connection first before having sex. A normal girl will not dump you after one bedroom disaster. And sex is like anything else, you get better with practice. Dude, just keep improving yourself. I know it's hard to see yourself from an outside perspective but you are worrying about the wrong things.
    You should be worrying why you aren't going out in the world and sitting at home instead. I know it's hard and you don't feel like it, but you have to do this. Just try it. You have nothing to lose.

    For example, I tgo out to events where there are lots of people (I'm in the culinary field) so it's pretty easy. @staythecourse, goes to church.

    Just be cool, joke around and practice just enjoying the moment. You will make friends and eventually those friends will have girls. It's the best way to make meaningful connections. And before you give up, promise us all you got to 100 events/meetups/community gatherings, ANYTHING.

    Then report back to us. I believe you can get much better!
     
    Londoner likes this.
  19. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Most women are actually much kinder and gentler about these things than us men. What precisely are you worried about? That she'll laugh at you if you can't get an erection or hand trouble putting on a condom??
    I say that as both those things happened to me on my first time with the girl im seeing at the moment
    So, we ended up just cuddling and tried again the next time.. successfully.

    These sorts of things are much easier to deal with if you've gotten to know someone already, after a good few dates.
    Try not to put too much emphasis on the sexual side of dating. There's a lot more to getting to know a girl, and once you do it makes the sex a lot easier for both people
     
  20. SuicidalVirgin

    SuicidalVirgin New Member

    Thanks for your words, guys. It's comforting to hear that.

    The positive side from my recent relapse, is that now I'm not even tempted to MO.

    So now my craving for PMO and MO are dead, I guess this makes it easer.
     
    TheScriabin likes this.

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