33 YO Returning Here

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by gavney, Apr 9, 2018.

  1. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Life has been better the last few weeks. Business has been good (we sell online mainly, so we've not been hurt by the pandemic).

    A few weeks ago fiancee and I finally gave in and have decided to do IVF. We're most likely starting next month, so this month will be the last month of trying naturally. It has been a year since the miscarriage (hard to believe), and I have just given up hope of trying naturally. We had gotten pregnant so quickly the first time, that I just assumed we would again. Alas..

    Thankfully, her mood has improved significantly since we booked IVF. It gives us hope. In all honesty, I've found it really difficult consoling her in the last few months, as her moods completely revolves around having a baby.

    So, this is our last month of trying and I want to give it our best chance anyway. So, no PMOing (i've been doing it once a day for the last few days, generally in the morning in bed). And NO caffeine. I had given it up for October, but slipped the last 3 days and had 1 coffee per day.
    I don't know if it really makes a difference with fertility but I want the best chance possible.

    I feel like my PMOing recently has been about filling a void. While things are going good in general, I still yearn to be a father. Spending the day with nieces and nephews at the weekend, reminded me of this.
    I just feel a lack of purpose a lot of the time. Work is good and I enjoy it sometimes but I feel "what's the point?". Lockdown has prevented going abroad so there's not much to look forward to.
  2. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Stay away from everyone and everything for a few days. Clear your head. Then start thinking about what you like. Close your eyes and imagine yourself happy and successful. See what you're doing there. How you got there. What you want to do. What you need to do. Use your imagination. Keep trying to find why you're living. What's your goal in life. Let your mind wander.
    You'll find it. And when you do. Do everything to make it true.
    Good luck.
    gavney likes this.
  3. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Hard to do at the moment, as we're mega busy in work now, and we're living in my Dads house at the moment (where all my siblings/ nephews/nieces congregate on the weekend), while waiting for our new house to be ready to move in to.
    However, I appreciate the suggestion! I do need a day on my own every once in a while, or half a day at least. I met up with friends at the weekend for a coffee which was really needed. Also, had a few drinks on Saturday night with family.
    Had a hangover yesterday, but it was worth it, as just been doing nothing but working, sleeping and getting set for moving house the last couple months.

    I had gotten 7 days no PMO a couple times in the last month, but then fell off, and was doing a PMO every day or second day.
    Then just on Friday, I binged 3 times (which hasn't happened for at least a few months).
    I binged again yesterday..
    I think in a way I've had my "blowout" now with the drinking and the binging at the weekend, so I'm ready to be healthy again the next few weeks.

    I'm giving up caffeine again, as IVF will start in 3 weeks, and I'm going to do some exercise to give us the best chance.
  4. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Have been in and out of PMOing.
    Stress in work (busiest time of year), as well as stress of mortgage process, new house and living in Dad's house, as well as worrying about IVF (i'll be making my "donation" for this on Friday most likely), have been largely responsible for me fantasising and acting out with PMO.

    I think biggest thing has been the IVF process. It's obviously a lot more strain on my partner (she's been stabbing herself with needles every morning for the past week..) and she's terrified of it not working out, as am I. I tell her it's all going to be ok, but really I don't know. I think that leads to me suppressing my own feelings about it (putting on a brave face for her.) This then causes me to act out (PMO being the main result). The cruel irony of this is that PMOing probably doesn't help our chances, as over doing it could adversely affect sperm quality. However, I've been good the last few days and HAVE to avoid it until Friday (partner has promised to "sort me out" once in the meantime).

    We're 36, and while all looks ok according to specialists, we are at an age where we really have to take fertility seriously.
    I'm terrified of a future without Kids, as I'm certain it's what I want out of life. Would I end up resenting my partner because of her age? It sounds cruel but I feel like that's how I'd end up feeling. I keep these feelings from her obviously, as it would only stress her further, and she's not at fault. She's doing her absolute best to give us both a baby, and I should appreciate that.
  5. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Had a really needed break over Christmas. It was a pretty miserable/ stressful couple of weeks leading up to Christmas. We were desperate to get the keys for our new house before Christmas, trying to get mortgage finalised, during the busiest time of year for me in work, living in my Dad's basement, and then IVF unfortunately failed at the first hurdle. We found out about this same day we were doing final viewing of the house before signing the contract. We got a call just 5 mins from the house.
    I burst into tears when I was in the house, thinking we'd just bought this lovely house but we'll never have a family. I know this is worst case thinking but it is a possibility.
    I think it's really taken the shine off the new home.
    This has caused some resentment between us, partly I'm think it's her fault for being "too old" (even though I'm the same age), and also I was blaming her for forcing the issue of IVF to happen simultaneous to the house buying (I suggested numerous times that we wait until we're in the house, as the stress could have a negative impact).
    Then I'm blaming the fertility doctors for not getting it right.
    This all causes me to go into my internal angry cave. When I go into this cave, PMO tends to be a big hobby.

    With time to reflect, I realise that there's no one to blame. The doctors are surely doing their best. And who knows what effect stress had. If it had worked out, I would have been delighted we'd started sooner rather than later.
    There's definitely things I could be doing to improve our odds of pregnancy:
    1. Eating better and getting more exercise.
    2. Less PMOing. No evidence that it's harming our chances, but it surely isn't helping.
    3. Helping her be less stressed, be more supportive.

    I think that I need to prioritze looking after myself which will help me do all 3 above. Too much focus on work makes it hard to do these things.
    Hopefully 2021 will be a better year for us, and for all.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  6. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Been a rollercoaster couple of weeks. Have been PMOing alot less than normal in the last month.
    Firstly, we were starting another round of IVF, so I was trying to keep it to a minimum in advance of that.
    Then, during the process, I was just so preoccupied with it (not really doing much, just hoping and waiting) that I didn't have much desire to PMO.
    The whole process does shine a light on my deep desire to have kids also, so that the fantasy of Porn and all that goes with it, just seems empty and silly.
    So, our results were mixed. Initially it was ok news, 4 eggs collected (not brilliant but not terrible), then all 4 fertilised (great) Then by day 5, it looked like 3 of the 4 embryos were candidates for transfer. We were delighted, as that presented high odds of a child from this round. We finally allowed ourselves to get hopeful (and I started sleeping again, as I'd barely slept for a week with worry.) However, the following day only 1 of those 3 embryos made it to day 6.
    I was gutted, deflated etc.. I also found out that the odds weren't as high with each embryo as I'd hoped. We have odds of about 30% success with this embryo, after genetic testing etc.. Tests will be back in approx another 10 days, so we're just in Limbo until then. If it comes back bad news, I don't know how I'll feel. It does start to feel hopeless after a while.
    I went into a deep depression for a few days, started resenting my fiancee again, blaming her etc..
    However, I noticed again ZERO desire to PMO during this time.
    I started to feel better yesterday. Then boom, another friend announced his wife's second pregnancy, it just sent me spiralling down again. I was moody after that and my fiancee and I were fighting as a result of my moods.

    I understand it's not easy to be around me when I'm moody, but I can't just switch it off. Then, predictably, I spent the whole day watching netflix and threw in a couple of PMO's. Strangely, the first made me feel better, but the second made me feel worse.

    Feel a bit better having written all that out. Fiancee asked me last week if I resent her. I was so down, I just couldn't answer her, but the truth is I do. However, that's unfair I know. If the roles were reversed and I had low sperm count or something, she'd probably be supportive.
  7. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I realise alot of this has nothing to do with PMO. However, I kind of tie it together in my head. Partly because I feel like i've left this part of my life (having a relationship, being a parent) a little bit late. I attribute some of that to PMO. Years wasted spent ejaculating to videos instead of building real relationships. PMO was never the root cause. However, it was always an easy way out. There's a temptation to just give up and throw myself back into my little "pleasure island" inside my head and avoid the difficult realities of real life. It's very tempting, and in many ways might actually give me some relief.
    However, there are better ways of dealing with these difficulties (including writing in this diary)
    MrDalloway and NewStart19 like this.
  8. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, been a sad couple of weeks. Our embryo came back negative, so we're back to square 1. Will be doing another cycle next month. It just feels hopeless.
    It's a really miserable situation. I've avoided PMOing, as I've just been feeling so low, I don't even want to. I've looked at P a few times, but very little temptation to MO.
    This is strange for me, as often if I'm feeling low, my tendency is to PMO more. However, I've felt soooo low that I don't even feel like PMOing.

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