33 YO Returning Here

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by gavney, Apr 9, 2018.

  1. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Very tempted to PMO today, mixture of tiredness and boredom

    Also, a video appeared on one of the lads groups, contained an amateur scene, watched it for a few seconds, maybe it stirred something inside me... need to be careful opening those videos
     
  2. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    good work dealing with the snappiness without a pmo!
     
    gavney likes this.
  3. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Thanks Merton, glad to have recognised another trigger.

    Day 11 no PMO, thankfully didnt give in to temptation. Went to the gym early yesterday instead, got a few errands done and did some work, quite a productive Saturday :)

    Feeling good this morning, not feeling temptation
     
    Merton likes this.
  4. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Think I shortchanged myself, going back on original post, I'm pretty sure I'm 13 days no PMO, not 12.

    Anyway, feeling good again today.
    Fiancee was working all weekend, so got plenty of work done and went to gym and played squash with a friend.
    Also, installed a doorbell camera for my Dad, and helped him with some other stuff. Andent to Niece's birthday party.

    All in all a satisfying weekend with no PMO. I got up around 6 or 7am last few days, which is unusual for me.
    This morning got up at 6 and went straight to the Gym. Don't feel tired at all either. I wonder how much PMOing has been causing me to oversleep?

    And already been very productive this morning in work.

    Hope everyone is good!
     
    Pete McVries likes this.
  5. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Did some bad injury in football last night, fell straight down on my right shoulder.
    Can't move right arm so can't drive. Anyway, probably will mean PMOing is more difficult, so always a bright side!
    Day 14.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  6. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear of the injury gavney but as you said, unexpected benefit!
     
  7. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, unfortunately, the injury didn't help with no PMOing and probably contributed to me relapsing. I was feeling pretty down for a few days after, due to not being able work properly, missing out on sport and exercise, and most annoyingly, it took away from our holiday, couldn't really do any activities we'd planned e.g. scuba diving. Need to speak to the guy who tackled me (fouled me? can't remember), causing the injury, as he's always fouling people or going in hard. We all commit the odd foul and injuries happen with or without fouls, but he commits about half the fouls every game. We're all just having a laugh, so it's not worth incerasing the risk of injury, esp at our age.

    Anyway, my relapse wasn't too bad, relapsed the following day also, but that was it, so think I'm about 7 days no PMO now.

    The holiday was needed, despite the injury and weather not being as good as expected. I love that feeling of getting away on a flight, detaching from everything, work, phone tv etc.. and seeing new sights and people. I'm glad fiancee agreed to get away, she seemed to really enjoy it, and it took her mind off babies at least temporarily (there were a load of kids around us at breakfast on the last day, and I could see it was bothering her).
    We were talking about getting another long weekend break in 2-3 months, which is great. We're still gonna keep trying to get pregnant, but at least we can get on with life also.

    We had sex a few times on holiday, and it was the most enjoyable we've had for probably 6 or 7 months. It was a great opportunity to reconnect and glad we took it.
     
  8. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Relapsed yesterday morning due to having one of the worst hangovers ever and fiancee was away. I rarely drink to excess any more, so thankfully a rare occurrence.
    Anyway, I wouldn't feel too bad about the relapse except that fiancee is ovulating at the moment. I want to be able to give us the best chance to conceive and PMOing doesn't help. She would be really disappointed if she found out I had PMO'd. We're going at it again tonight. In general sex has been pretty good last couple of weeks.
    I've read some stuff about alcohol and sperm count which worries me. I need to say no to the next "big night out" with the lads, for at least a few months while we're conceiving.

    Shoulder is healing. It gets sore if I do any sort of exertion, but most every day activities are fine now. Looking forward to being able to exercise and play football again.
     
  9. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, as with most people, life has changed in the last couple of weeks with Covid-19, though thankfully not as significantly as most. I work on my own in my warehouse/ showroom, so I can still come to work every day. it's not a particularly social job but it's better than sitting at home.
    Fiancee was working on Saturday so I did a bit of work at home and watched netflix most of the rest of it. When Fiancee got home (around 9pm), I was in terrible form, I had gone into quite a depression during the day. I attribute this at least in part to not speaking face to face to another human being for the whole day. The only time I went outside was for a brief 15min Jog. At least if I had grocery shopping to do , it would have provided some social interaction.

    It worries me of the effect this is having on people, particularly the elderly who must be even more socially isolated than they already had been. I can be a bit selfish about this at times, and I'm glad my fiancee pushes me on this. She nagged me into ringing my Dad, who lives on his own. I was glad I did. I'd rarely ring for a "chat", as it just seems strange, like I feel he sees through me, or that he doesn't want to chat. However, he seemed to be happy to chat.

    Talking in group whatsapp is good, but it's not enough.

    Anyway, I relapsed twice on Friday and Saturday. Want to make it up to Fiancee tonight for my bad form over the weekend, with a nice dinner when she gets home tonight.

    Feeling better today, but still miss being able to see family and friends.

    Hope everyone on the forum is doing ok.
     
  10. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Day 3 no PMO.

    Felt quite depressed again this morning, which often happens at this stage of withdrawal. Really glad to still be able to come to work, though, as felt much better when I got in. .
    We may go into lockdown in the next week. Not sure how I'd survive at home all day. Hopefully I'll still be able to get into work. Fiancee is a nurse, so she definitely will.
     
  11. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Relapsed again last night, think I made it to 7 days at most recently. Need to step downplaying this or making excuses (it's because of lockdown).
    I'm lucky that I can still go to work for a few hours every day. Half the country can't even do that.
    Social isolation & limited activities doesn't help when trying to quit an addiction.
    However, I'm having a Zoom meet up with friends tonight over a couple of drinks, so looking forward to that!
    Also, Malt Extract arrived this morning, so looking forward to making another batch of home brew:)
     
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Don't be hard on yourself. You were 7 days clean. Try to find out why you relapsed (isolation and the other difficulties that are playing in your life are a very plausible reasons why you think you needed to change your emotional state), own it, and find a way to prevent it next time.
     
  13. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Thanks Gil79, yeah just want to learn from it. Different circumstances will always bring up different challenges, so just need to learn from it.
    Was pretty depressed last couple of days.
    I think this was partly due to fiancee getting her period, which was disappointing as we've been trying again for last couple of months to get pregnant. Also, her due date from her first pregnancy was a couple of weeks ago, don't think I'd processed it fully. It's quite sad, as I keep imagining what it would be like to hold that newborn now:(
    She was comforting me last night about it, and this morning I've been comforting her..

    I'm feeling much better today, but I just feel a bit helpless with her, as I don't know what to say. I've just been saying the same things over and over "we just have to try again", "we're doing all we can" etc...
    We'd be going to a fertility specialist by now, but they're closed due to Covid..
    She'd love a dog, but we can't really have one as in an apartment. So, I suggested using "borrowmydoggy", where we could look after other people's dogs for a few hours a week
    But I think she just views this as "accepting her fate". She's just terrified of being childless. If she could have a crystal ball and could see herself with a newborn in 2 years, I think she'd be ok, even though it's 2 years away. It's just the unknowing...
    I fear not being able to have kids, but not to the same extent, it's just constant for her, and I don't know what to do.

    Thanks again, and hope you're well!
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2020
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I do understand what you wrote here, how you feel. It is just damn hard to stay positive and hopeful if it takes so long and you're confronted with your situation every single day. Like you said, the due date, period, but also conversations with other people or others that get pregnant or kids. I am happy to see that you keep expressing your feelings to eachother. That is important. I hope you can both keep your spirits up and be patient. Dare to keep dreaming about how it will be.
     
  15. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Thanks Gil79, your story inspires me :)

    I did an online therapy session with therapist on Saturday. Haven't had any therapy for about 18 months. Every time I go back it takes a few months of negotiating with myself to convince myself it's necessary. Always feel I should be able to deal with problems on my own. The couple of days of serious depression, which I haven't experienced for a long time, convinced me to ask for help.

    Very glad I had the session. Alot of thoughts running around my head, which the therapist helped me to deal with. Going to have a nother couple of sessions in the next couple weeks. I haven't talked about miscarriage face to face with anyone, and I shed a few tears when talking about it.
    It set up the long weekend very well. Fiancee and I had a nice time, in spite of the lockdown.
    I watched the first 3 Hellraiser movies for the first time........bizarrely entertaining. At times they're brilliant, at other times they're awful!
     
  16. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Feeling pretty good last couple of weeks. Therapy has definitely been helping, and making relationship with fiancee better.
    I really did need to talk about issues around the miscarriage with a professional. I had been telling myself it was less of a big deal than it was.
    There's still some issues to talk about, which hopefully we'll get through in tomorrow's session.

    With therapy, as I become more connected with my feelings, I'm finding the temptation to PMO less and less. I have PMO'd maybe twice in the last 2 weeks, but purely out of lockdown boredom I think. As I connect with what's important, it just make P seem totally stupid & lame.

    Fiancee and I were quite hopeful this month with pregnancy, as we thought we got the timing right. However, she's been signs of her period arriving this morning, so it looks unlikely:cool:

    I feel the frustration much more now. I'm more aware of how much I want it to happen, and I'm more aware that we don't have all the time in the world. She was talking about IVF a few months ago and I thought it was ridiculous at this stage. Now I feel it could be something to start thinking about.
    However, still can't visit a specialist until lockdown is over, so just have to be patient.
     
  17. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    resetting today as relapsed yesterday

    Day 1
     
  18. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Hope everyone has been doing ok recently.

    So, I'm about 6 days no PMO. Overally, I've been doing better last few weeks, but with a couple of relapses.
    Getting back out of lockdown, playing football twice a week has helped to curb my cravings somewhat.

    Relationship with Fiancee has been better also, largely as she not so down about lack of pregnancy as we've been making progress in buying a house.
    She broke down in tears yesterday when our first mortgage application was rejected though! I couldn't believe her reaction, but I guess it's such an emotional thing for her. For me, it's not that big a deal, I'd be happy enough to stay where we are for another few years.

    Anyway, we applied for too much on the application, more than we need. Have reapplied and I reckon we will be successful this time.

    With everything back to normal, business going fairly well, it just re-confirms for me that having a family is very high on my list of priorities at this point in life.
    So far, no luck on that front, but it doesn't feel like the be all and end all any more.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  19. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Just back from a 3 day vacation with fiancee, and boy was it needed!
    It was good from many perspectives. We had been getting on each others nerves alot the last few weeks. The whole fertility thing is just on her mind constantly, this was a much needed distraction from that.
    I didn't know how much I needed this, until I got 3 really good nights sleep, without waking once in the middle of the night (which I've been doing pretty much every night for the few weeks previous).
    My sister is working for my company now so she can take over when I'm away, which is a much needed relief, as (thankfully) we're very busy at present.

    We've gone sale agreed on our apartment, and on the house we're buying, so that's also a great relief. However, as I suspected, it was only a temporary distraction for herself. Once, everything was agreed, and we got mortgage approved, she started obsessing about babies again...
    I think that our vacation just showed us both that you can be happy without children. We're obviously going to keep trying though, but it maybe doesn't make having kids seem like the be all and end all.

    I haven't PMO'd in 7 days, and probably needless to say there wasn't the slightest temptation on vacation (which says alot about why I PMO!)
     
  20. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Relapsed last night after approx 10 days no MO, but with a bit of Peeking during those days.

    I had been going along quite well. Relapse was largely due to being unable to sleep last night. Went out to the couch, as too warm in bed, still no luck, PMO'd to try get me to sleep. It probably did help a bit in fairness.
    Thing is, I'd had sex with fiancee earlier in the day, so don't see why it was "needed".
    She's been "encouraging"(strongly!) me to go to bed earlier in general last couple of weeks, which has been good I think, as I'm not waking up in the middle of the night as much. We've both been less stressed in general, which probably helps also.

    I feel bad about relapse last night, as she's just about to start her ovulation for this month, so it doesn't help to have already MO'd.

    I'm spending too much time on my phone lately. YouTube is my main poison, and it can often lead to me peeking at P. But in itself, I think youtube isn't good when I'm just clicking through endless videos.
    It can be useful at times, if it's a programming video for example, or something quite interesting/ educational, or if it's music, as I don't get sucked into this Youtube vortex.
    However, when it turns into watching endless "Karma" videos or Jordan Peterson "destroying" someone, it becomes addictive, and not at all useful/ enjoyable.

    So, I'm going to delete Youtube app for a week or so, and do my best to limit screen time in general.
     

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