33 YO Returning Here

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by gavney, Apr 9, 2018.

  1. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I've been PMOing again the last few days. I think this is largely due to not really having a routine and adjusting to living with someone (escaping from facing the challenges).
    The christmas break was very welcome, but I'm happy to be back in work now, and happy to start exercising again.
    Christmas is a time for unwinding and just letting go. I think that lead to PMOing as well! However, onward and upward!
     
    Intothewild89 likes this.
  2. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @gavney So here's what it comes down to...is there anything on that list that you can't live with? I've been married for 15+ years and was with her for another two. There are things that bother me about her today that bothered me about her 17 years ago. She has the worst taste in TV and movies. She won't break down cardboard boxes for recycling. Every year she loses the registration and proof of insurance in her car. I could keep going. But here's the thing, if I've had a drop-dead non-negotiable, pack-my-stuff-and-leave issue, of which there has probably only been 2 or 3 since we've been together, we talk about it and make changes. I've done the same for her and I know there's a list of stuff that I've never changed that isn't worth leaving over but still irritates her, like how I don't have specific drawers for specific types of clothing in my bureau. I just mix all the clothes together. Drives her crazy.

    You've got some important things on your list. I think how she treats her family is important to talk about if it bothers you, as is the initiation of sex. She may not realize she does those things. We all have blind spots and until called on them, don't even realize they are there. The mouthwash seems more minor to meet, but if you need her to use it, don't be afraid to own it and tell her. Odds are she has a few of these issues with you. You need to learn how to talk about them now if you're going to have a successful later.
     
    gavney likes this.
  3. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Apart from the initiation of sex and how she treats her Dad, I don't think there's anything that is a deal-breaker. The mouthwash is probably one of those things that's a symptom of something deeper (a power struggle you might call it). Certainly, there are things that would bother her about me, and she has pointed them out (like picking my nose). I have cut that down but she has caught me doing it a few times. I've made an effort, but I certainly can make more of an effort to cut it out completely, not a particularly good habit!
    The way she talks to her Dad could just be the way they communicate, but my worry is that she's maybe a bit more "bossy" than I originally thought. I just have to be more aware of it and watch for other signs, but between us she's very fair. I just worry that over time that will change.
    Re: sex. I think I will probably just forget about Oral for the moment. It's clearly not something she likes doing, and it's not a deal breaker for me. What's more bothersome is having to initiate sex. I'm going to try go without for a while and see if she tries to initiate it after a week or so. It may just be that our libidos are a little mismatched, which is fine, I'm happy to compromise. However, I worry that our libidos are way off and that she's been having sex mainly for my benefit, which she can't keep up forever...
     
  4. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Don't worry...if you get married eventually you don't even want her to keep it up :)
     
    gavney likes this.
  5. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Day 4 no PMO.

    GF and I had sex once in last few days and it was pretty good! It would be hard to say exactly who initiated, but it definitely felt mutually wanted.

    She generally doesn't want to have sex when she's working, and she works just 3-4 days a week but long hours. And when it's consecutive days I understand that could be very draining. So, I've accepted that there won't be any sex on consecutive work days.
    I still haven't ever felt that GF wanted to "jump my bones", but maybe that's partly age (we're both 34), but it still seems to be enjoyable for both of us. I'm far from as horny as I was when I was 25.

    I've been feeling better this week also as am back to routine after Christmas. Playing football twice a week is great for the exercise and meeting up with friends. It's something I need more than most people as I don't have any work colleagues, as self-employed.
    At same time, am delighted to have had the Christmas break, am much more enthusiastic about work now after a complete unwind.
     
  6. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I relapsed yesterday with a PMO.

    Haven't had sex with GF since weekend. I'm not that pushed about it at the moment either. It feels like effort at the moment and I guess I'm a little bored of sex with GF. She doesn't seem to really be bothered by the lack of it either. Admittedly, she has worked 5 of the last 6 days (13 hour shifts), so it might just be that. We will both be off work at the weekend and are going out for dinner, so maybe things will improve then!

    I'm not even that bothered by lack of sex, more by the lack of interest shown by GF. I'm focusing on exercise at the moment, which is really improving my mood.
     
  7. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I had gone a few days without PMO, but relapsed yesterday and today, was feeling pretty depressed about work and relationship yesterday.
    Haven't had sex with GF since about 10 days ago. She was working 5 out of 6 days long shifts, and as I said I didn't want to be hassling her for sex. But then.. she had her period, so another few days without. Disappointing as we had a nice dinner out in a really nice restaurant, then she got stroppy with me over a tiny thing i said which she found offensive. Don't know if that's just the period or genuine offense, but obv wouldn't have had sex either way.
    Anyway, she said we will have sex tomorrow , but it just seems like she talks alot about how much sex we're "going to have" and then we don't. Maybe I'm not the best at getting things going, not being romantic enough I don't now.
    But, whatever is happening, something keeps getting in the way, her job, period, a small argument etc..
    It just doesn't seem normal for a couple only together 8 months, without kids and just after moving in together. Also, both of us are in good health
    I haven't explicitly told her that I'm dissatisfied with the sex, but we have talked about how much we would ideally have, and what I like (which she doesn't seem to be making any effort with). I worry about what life would be like if we had kids (which we have discussed having within the next year or 2). How often would we have sex then? This worries me.

    Having said all that, I do love her, we do get on most of the time, and life has overall been better since we met. Perhaps my expectations are too high for the relationship and for the sex life (I haven't been in a relationship since I was 22). Also, most of my previous sexual experiences were with Porn or with escorts, both of which give a distorted, unrealistic view of sex and women. So, perhaps PMOing or just watching P is bad for the relationship as I'm comparing my sex life with P.
     

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