33 YO Returning Here

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by gavney, Apr 9, 2018.

  1. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I've been PMOing again the last few days. I think this is largely due to not really having a routine and adjusting to living with someone (escaping from facing the challenges).
    The christmas break was very welcome, but I'm happy to be back in work now, and happy to start exercising again.
    Christmas is a time for unwinding and just letting go. I think that lead to PMOing as well! However, onward and upward!
    Intothewild89 likes this.
  2. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    @gavney So here's what it comes down to...is there anything on that list that you can't live with? I've been married for 15+ years and was with her for another two. There are things that bother me about her today that bothered me about her 17 years ago. She has the worst taste in TV and movies. She won't break down cardboard boxes for recycling. Every year she loses the registration and proof of insurance in her car. I could keep going. But here's the thing, if I've had a drop-dead non-negotiable, pack-my-stuff-and-leave issue, of which there has probably only been 2 or 3 since we've been together, we talk about it and make changes. I've done the same for her and I know there's a list of stuff that I've never changed that isn't worth leaving over but still irritates her, like how I don't have specific drawers for specific types of clothing in my bureau. I just mix all the clothes together. Drives her crazy.

    You've got some important things on your list. I think how she treats her family is important to talk about if it bothers you, as is the initiation of sex. She may not realize she does those things. We all have blind spots and until called on them, don't even realize they are there. The mouthwash seems more minor to meet, but if you need her to use it, don't be afraid to own it and tell her. Odds are she has a few of these issues with you. You need to learn how to talk about them now if you're going to have a successful later.
    gavney likes this.
  3. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Apart from the initiation of sex and how she treats her Dad, I don't think there's anything that is a deal-breaker. The mouthwash is probably one of those things that's a symptom of something deeper (a power struggle you might call it). Certainly, there are things that would bother her about me, and she has pointed them out (like picking my nose). I have cut that down but she has caught me doing it a few times. I've made an effort, but I certainly can make more of an effort to cut it out completely, not a particularly good habit!
    The way she talks to her Dad could just be the way they communicate, but my worry is that she's maybe a bit more "bossy" than I originally thought. I just have to be more aware of it and watch for other signs, but between us she's very fair. I just worry that over time that will change.
    Re: sex. I think I will probably just forget about Oral for the moment. It's clearly not something she likes doing, and it's not a deal breaker for me. What's more bothersome is having to initiate sex. I'm going to try go without for a while and see if she tries to initiate it after a week or so. It may just be that our libidos are a little mismatched, which is fine, I'm happy to compromise. However, I worry that our libidos are way off and that she's been having sex mainly for my benefit, which she can't keep up forever...
  4. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    Don't worry...if you get married eventually you don't even want her to keep it up :)
    gavney likes this.
  5. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Day 4 no PMO.

    GF and I had sex once in last few days and it was pretty good! It would be hard to say exactly who initiated, but it definitely felt mutually wanted.

    She generally doesn't want to have sex when she's working, and she works just 3-4 days a week but long hours. And when it's consecutive days I understand that could be very draining. So, I've accepted that there won't be any sex on consecutive work days.
    I still haven't ever felt that GF wanted to "jump my bones", but maybe that's partly age (we're both 34), but it still seems to be enjoyable for both of us. I'm far from as horny as I was when I was 25.

    I've been feeling better this week also as am back to routine after Christmas. Playing football twice a week is great for the exercise and meeting up with friends. It's something I need more than most people as I don't have any work colleagues, as self-employed.
    At same time, am delighted to have had the Christmas break, am much more enthusiastic about work now after a complete unwind.
  6. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I relapsed yesterday with a PMO.

    Haven't had sex with GF since weekend. I'm not that pushed about it at the moment either. It feels like effort at the moment and I guess I'm a little bored of sex with GF. She doesn't seem to really be bothered by the lack of it either. Admittedly, she has worked 5 of the last 6 days (13 hour shifts), so it might just be that. We will both be off work at the weekend and are going out for dinner, so maybe things will improve then!

    I'm not even that bothered by lack of sex, more by the lack of interest shown by GF. I'm focusing on exercise at the moment, which is really improving my mood.
  7. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I had gone a few days without PMO, but relapsed yesterday and today, was feeling pretty depressed about work and relationship yesterday.
    Haven't had sex with GF since about 10 days ago. She was working 5 out of 6 days long shifts, and as I said I didn't want to be hassling her for sex. But then.. she had her period, so another few days without. Disappointing as we had a nice dinner out in a really nice restaurant, then she got stroppy with me over a tiny thing i said which she found offensive. Don't know if that's just the period or genuine offense, but obv wouldn't have had sex either way.
    Anyway, she said we will have sex tomorrow , but it just seems like she talks alot about how much sex we're "going to have" and then we don't. Maybe I'm not the best at getting things going, not being romantic enough I don't now.
    But, whatever is happening, something keeps getting in the way, her job, period, a small argument etc..
    It just doesn't seem normal for a couple only together 8 months, without kids and just after moving in together. Also, both of us are in good health
    I haven't explicitly told her that I'm dissatisfied with the sex, but we have talked about how much we would ideally have, and what I like (which she doesn't seem to be making any effort with). I worry about what life would be like if we had kids (which we have discussed having within the next year or 2). How often would we have sex then? This worries me.

    Having said all that, I do love her, we do get on most of the time, and life has overall been better since we met. Perhaps my expectations are too high for the relationship and for the sex life (I haven't been in a relationship since I was 22). Also, most of my previous sexual experiences were with Porn or with escorts, both of which give a distorted, unrealistic view of sex and women. So, perhaps PMOing or just watching P is bad for the relationship as I'm comparing my sex life with P.
  8. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Hope you've picked yourself up after the relapse.
    gavney likes this.
  9. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Thanks Londoner, had a really nice chilled out weekend. Spent most of it with GF. We babysat my brother's kids on saturday night, which was cool. I did find seeing GF being such a natural with their youngest, an 8 month old, a big turn on:)

    And sex with GF improved dramatically over the weekend! We had it 3 times over 2 days, which is unusual given the low frequency over the last couple months. Also, she initiated it 2 of the times and seemed to be much more into it than usual. Also, it was really really good sex. I made more of an effort than usual to please her. I think I've been focusing on my own needs too much recently. We also tried to "spice" things up by watching Porn, but tbh, we both were bored of watching after 2 mins so turned it off and focused on each other:) However, I appreciated the attempt by her to try something a bit different.

    She did say that she was more aroused the last couple of days. I don't know if this has anything to do with going off the pill (she went off a couple weeks ago), as we have been talking about trying for pregnancy in April (when we get back from holidays).
    Joshua Shea likes this.
  10. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I woke up fairly depressed this morning.
    GF and I are going through a slightly rocky patch at the moment. I'm not sure why this is, which is why I'm writing here just to get my thoughts all down.
    Possible reasons
    1. Sex has gotten fairly boring. And again I seem to have reverted into the initiator role. She did make more effort for a while, but now it seems to have gone
    back to the usual. I'm just bored of it, and it's tiring. PMOing seems more exciting and is less effort
    2. We're getting a bit sarcastic and critical of each other. We were at dinner with my family last night. She put me down in front of them, not in a big way but
    it wasn't very nice. I got the impression it was nervousness (she has a weird way of being nervous, in that she gets very chatty). I also have a habit of going very quiet
    in group situations (even my family). I realise this is probably a bit annoying for GF as she carries the conversation for both of us. But I don't know what it is,
    I make an effort in groups, but after a short while, I just shut down and get very tired. When it's just the two of us, we both talk as much as the other, perhaps me slightly more so!
    I need to be more careful of what I say to her also, as I'm not always the most respectful.
    3. Maybe we just need a holiday (which thankfully we are going on at end of this week)
    4. We're too much in each other's company. This has largely to do with me not being able to partake in my main regular outlet with friends during the week (playing soccer) due to an ankle injury I got a couple months ago. However, I'm back to fully fit so I'm starting again tonight
    5. The talking about having a child is weighing on both of us. I'm perhaps going into overthinking mode (which I often do!), analysing every aspect of the relationship. Maybe she is also
    6. GF leads the relationship in many ways. This is partly due to me being more career focused and tending to work when I'm at home also. That leaves GF more time
    to think about other things (holidays, social events). Sometimes this can be a drag (like going to a dinner when I'd rather be home), but other times she drags me into decisions that I'm grateful for after (e.g. the 2 holidays we've been on so far, spearheaded by her, I dragged my feet on a bit, but was really happy we went).
    This leads me to being resentful when she "forces" us to do something I don't end up enjoying, but grateful when she "forces" us to do something I enjoy. I think there is a natural difference between us here, so best thing is probably just to take the good with the bad and try to be a bit more involved in decision making.

    Ahhh, I feel great after writing all that down! I haven't been on her for a while, so this was probably much needed.

    Regarding PMO, I haven't done this for 4 days. I had been watching P or PMOing at least once every 2 days for the couple of weeks before that though.....
  11. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    1 week into Tanzania trip

    Haven't Pmod for 7 days, which I think may have led to a couple days depression

    Have really enjoyed most of trip, some amazing sights.

    GF and I had a bit of a fight last night though, on her birthday... I made her cry, which I feel pretty guilty about.

    We definitely did need a holiday but in last 2 days I've felt we're a bit too much in each other's company. We were on safari for 6 days which makes it difficult to spend even 15 mins apart. I hopw its just that. Heading to zamzibar now which i hope will allow us a bit of space from each other
  12. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, haven't posted here for a while, which in a way can be a good sign, but I think it's important to drop in from time to time.

    I'm at one of those stages where I justify my PMOing because it's not that bad anymore. I PMO maybe a few times a week, but I watch P more regularly, maybe average of once a day. I don't want to just cut it out, because it just doesn't seem to work for me.
    But I need to remind myself that it's not just harmless. I've noticed myself being internally critical of my GFs body, and how she looks in general, and I think part of this has to do with the unrealistic comparison with the women in Porn. GF is in good shape, esp for our age (35). She's in better shape than I am anyway!

    I have found that the attraction has waned hugely though, which is partly why I've been looking at Porn. We have sex much less frequently (about once a week). She started initiating it more because she wants to get pregnant. I find it really unsexy the way she approaches this, like "we need to have sex Wednesday, thursday and Friday" for the best chance ( i told her that this approach bothers me and she has said she'll try be more subtle in future). I do love her, and a couple of months ago the idea of having a child together seemed wonderful, but for some reason, in the last couple weeks i've just found myself questioning it more.
    I don't know if this is just that the honeymoon phase is over (we've been together about 14 months).
    Also, we've been around each other more and more recently , as I sprained my ankle again.... so can't play football or do much in the gym.

    Certain things I do feel alot better about. Like for instance her back talking to her father. I've gotten to know him more and realised that he's quite a strange individual. He's very nice but he also likes to be the centre of attention and is very adept at lightly embarrassing people. So, it's probably fair game that GF talks back to him.
    He's very different from my own father, who is very quiet, so probably why I thought it odd.
  13. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So... GF is pregnant!
    When she told me I started to get pretty emotional, but i felt amazing! it was a bit of a shock (even though we'd been trying). I felt happy but also really worried about the child being healthy and all that.
    GF was really nonchalant about it, which was surprising, as she really really wants to have a child. However, it seems because she's so worried about having a miscarriage.
    It very early days, 4 weeks in, so we're another 8 weeks off telling anyone publicly, but felt it would be ok to share here, as noone knows me!
    Once we're at week 5, from what I've read, we're over the "danger zone" and miscarriage rates drop significantly. I feel sorry for her as I don't think she's enjoying this great news as much as she could be. But also mentally preparing for the worst
    isn't such a bad idea.

    I had been feeling bored with life lately, and with relationship a bit. But feel much better about it now. I don't know if that's a bad sign of our relationship, but I think it could just be of our age. We both want something a bit more from life and I think this could be it.

    I don't know if we'll be forever (me and GF) but I hope we are. It does feel like having a child together is rushing a bit at the moment, but we're both 35, so we don't have all the time in the world. And basically, whatever happens between us, having a baby together just feels right, if that makes sense.

    I have been thinking about proposing in the last few months. This weekend we're going to Rome so it would be very romantic and timely, but at same time I don't want her to think I'm proposing just because she got knocked up! Also, getting married would be expensive, and all I can think about now is saving for a baby!

    Re: PMO, this is just another thing that makes P just seem so ridiculous. The amount of BS in it is incredible. Being in a real relationship is so so different.
    I was feeling guilty as I had been PMOing around the time we were trying to conceive, so my "load" wasn't as full as normal. I worried this would affect our chances of getting pregnant...
    Londoner and occams_razor like this.
  14. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, haven't been on here for a while.
    In general things have been ok, but I'm looking forward to being able to tell people about the pregnancy (first scan is 12 days away). I'm a bit nervous about GFs dad though, as we're not married yet. He's quite a gentle guy and seems open minded but still I fear he won't like to hear his unmarried daughter is pregnant!
    I had been thinking about proposing in last few weeks but it didn't feel like the right time as GF has been miserable due to hormones.
    From what I know, that should ease up in the second trimester (hopefully).

    I had been doing my best to be supportive to GF but just finding it more difficult in the last week as she's just so unpredictable. She's in a good mood one minute, then scowling at me the next. I know i'll never know her pain, but it's terrible to be around someone who is so often miserable and not being able to do anything about it. (and also not be able to talk to anyone about it)
    If anyone had any suggestions to help her, I'd welcome them!

    The last week I've been doing a bit of cycling and met up with friends I hadn't seen for a while, which was really good as they're good mates.
    Re: PMO, I've felt it falling away more and more. I just look at it and think "wow, the acting is terrible" or "she can't possibly be enjoying that".
    I have PMO'd a bit though, at least partly due to no sex from pregnant GF!
  15. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Also, starting to fully realise that only some of my happiness is linked with my relationship to GF. However, just as someone can lift you up, they can also drag you down.
    I've felt this at times in the last month, as GF has been miserable, I've tended to be miserable also. Some of that's inevitable, someone in a weakened state will always need some companionship. But, I also have to get out there and look after myself, get plenty of exercise, meets friends and eat well.
  16. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Haven't been on here for 2 months. Alot has happened in that time.

    Sadly, GF miscarried. It was a "missed" miscarriage (i.e. her body still acted as if it was pregnant, even though the embryo had died). My last post was just a couple weeks before the scan which showed the miscarriage. I didn't even know a "missed" miscarriage was possible. We were concerned about health issues, but after week 8 thought that miscarriage was very improbable. It died between week 9 - 10. For 2-3 weeks, she was carrying a dead embryo around inside her and our excitement about being parents was building.
    So, the scan...For about 30 seconds, I was looking up at a screen of our child, amazed at what we had created, only to hear the nurse say "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat". I saw my GF's heart just sink. She tried her best to hide her emotions, but she was crushed. After discussing with the nurses, we just wanted to get out of there. When we got to the car, she started crying.

    My first thoughts were really about GF. I was sad about losing a child but this being our first, the reality had only really been hitting me in the couple weeks before the scan. The "bond" only really began when I saw the scan.... and it was gone 30 seconds later. For her, it was clear that it was much more. Not only had she lost the child inside her, but she was carrying around a dead embryo, desperate to get rid of it, and had gone through 6 weeks of morning sickness, for nothing. Perhaps worst for her, was the worry that this will happen again or possibly that we'd never have a child.
    So, I spent the next few weeks comforting her. I cried a couple of times on my own, but never around her. For whatever reason, I just felt I needed to appear strong.

    In the last weeks, I've been so busy with work, as I'm moving premises, but our new Landlord has made things very difficult by delaying the date of move-in. I had to be out of previous place, so wasn't sure what to do. In the end, had to move entire warehouse into storage unit in approx 2 days! It was a nightmare, and really stressful. I'm busy in work besides that. Now, I don't have a place of business, just a storage unit which I can't really work out of. Hoping new place will be finished by end of this month...

    In the midst of all this, I've turned to PMO as comfort. Also, I've been eating badly, sweets, chocolate etc.. Perhaps I haven't had time to fully process my feelings about the miscarriage, but I feel better now having written all of the above.. I was getting annoyed with GF in the last couple of weeks as she's desperate to get pregnant again. This is understandable, but when she's "guilting" me into having sex, that pisses me off. She's going through her ovulation cycle at the moment and she was pressuring me the last few days. I did the first couple of days, but gave a firm NO last night as I was absolutely wrecked. In fairness, she was ok with it, which is an improvement on previous times where she's gotten annoyed when I said No. She seems to realise it's unfair on me to force it on me every night for a week.
  17. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    @gavney That is a hell of a lot to go through...don't be too hard on yourself for anything you're using to cope right now. You can work on developing better coping tools once this storm has passed. Sure, there will always be stress, but having gone through a similar situation years ago, I know what weird energy you've been around. It will pass. Just try to stay strong, my friend.
  18. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Thanks man, appreciate the response.. Yeah you're right, I guess I just had to put emotions on the back burner for the past few weeks due to work, and now that I have a bit of breathing room, those emotions are coming out in full now.
    Sorry to hear you went through something similar in the past. Hopefully not again.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I'm so sorry to hear about the miscarriage. My wife and I went through pretty much the same thing 5 years ago. The heart stopped beating at 8 weeks. We both were really devastated. First so happy, and then that. It is a terrible loss and so difficult to explain to others. I hope you can give it more room to process and talk about it with your partner and others. Let me know if I can mean something to you. We're now parents of 3 beautiful children.
  20. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Thanks for your words. Sorry to hear you went through a similar situation. I talked through how I was feeling with GF last night, as she had been wondering why I was so quiet last couple of days. I wasn't even sure myself, as it seems odd that I had put it out of my mind for a few weeks, and then it's back all of a sudden. I guess that's just how the mind can prioritize things.

    I felt almost guilty explaining my sadness to GF, as it's surely less than hers. However, it's not nothing, and I have had to put those emotions on hold for a while.

    Glad to hear you now have 3 kids!
    Gil79 likes this.

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