33 YO Returning Here

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by gavney, Apr 9, 2018.

  1. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Feeling shit about the tinder thing again today.
    Joshua, I think in a way I was gaslighting GF, maybe manipulating her into feeling sorry for me. Everything I told her was true, but at the same time, I can't blame my past, my insecurities etc.. on what I did, a shitty thing. I downplayed this because I didn't do it with the intention of cheating (but who knows what could've happened really) but while not as bad as cheating, it's still a bad, selfish thing to have done. I didn't think of her feelings at all and how this would play out, esp if one of her friends had found me on it - that would have not only been really hurtful but also embarrassing for her.

    She hasn't shown a slight bit of anger. Maybe she's just not the type of person to get angry. It makes me worry that what's happening now is the quiet before the storm....

    I've silently judged people for cheating or being on tinder while in relationships. And here I did the same thing.

    Anyway, it's not the end of the world, I will at least learn something from this I think.
    And my behaviours are out in the open now (to my GF, my therapist and this forum), that should make my issues easier to remedy
     
  2. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    you're right, its not the end of the world, we all make mistakes :)
     
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  3. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Who knows why she's not acting more upset, but you should count your blessings on that and stay off Tinder. Perhaps she is bottling it all up for a time down the road. You can't live in fear of that. The best way to diffuse that bomb is to be an honest, open, loving person.
     
  4. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Yeah, you're right. That's all I can do now. She's such a decent person, makes me feel inadequate. But she obviously sees something worth pursuing between us, or she wouldn't be sticking around, so I have to be grateful for that and have faith in her judgement as well as my own.
     
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  5. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, went to a big dinner event with my GF and my dad, and 4 sisters last night.
    It was really good fun and have to say that I'm proud to be with my GF. She's such a friendly, warm person, I'm lucky to be with her. She made a big effort last night with my family, she was very nervous to be meeting a load of new people, so I have to be appreciative of that. My sisters commented that she's lovely etc.. which is important as I value their opinion.
    I said the three big words this morning "I love you" during sex, and it just felt right. She said it back to me:), thankfully! I did feel a little bit of panic when I got into work, started having my doubts again about her, but i think these doubts are just based on my panic, not on anything real. The panic subsided shortly after.
    I still do have thoughts like that I could possibly do better in the looks department, but when I look at pictures of us from last night, it makes me realise I'm a bit deluded about how I look. If anything, she's better looking than me. I feel so cringey writing that, but it feels good to get it out in the open also!

    She's also finally told her parents about me, so I guess I'll have to meet them now also!!! AHHHH!!

    7 days no PMO, and no temptations either. I think alot of this has to do with being honest with myself and GF in the last week.
     
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  6. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    That's a really nice story to read! So different from my reality, but very nice none the less :)
     
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  7. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Met with therapist again this morning. Second session.

    I started to realise something about my GF, that I've been ignoring/suppressing for the past 6 or 7 weeks. The Tinder thing brought up the issue of ME not looking to be in a relationship at the moment (or one with her). But actually I've had this sense that she has major doubts herself.
    I get the feeling at times that she's 34, wants a family and has panicked herself into a relationship with any half-decent person (i.e. me), without really knowing if I'm the one for her.

    Also, something that just doesn't add up - after the Tinder thing, she was saying she's definitely not telling any more friends about me, and was understandably very cautious about us. Then, only 5 days later, after avoiding telling people about me for 2 months, she suddenly tells her whole family about me. The timing of that just seems really odd...

    It seems too much like panicking to me, like if she just ignores the doubts (hers and mine), everything will work out fine.

    Anyway, all in all things are going well. We enjoy each other's company and I like having the therapist outlet to work these things out. Looking forward to our holiday next week, which should go a long way towards working out if we've got a good future together.

    Another thing I talked about with therapist was the girl i had been obsessing about from last year and the "what if". It was obvious enough when I spoke about it, that my obsession with her is about wanting what I can't have because she's unavailable now (has a bf) and I'm unavailable. Since therapy this morning, my feelings about her have changed considerably, the "obsession" seems to have died down, hopefully permanently.


    Finally, re: PMO, this is the 10th day of no PMO. No cravings either which is great!
     
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  8. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Have you thought about coming out and asking her about this stuff? You'd be surprised how good open communication can be in a relationship. You seem to treat this relationship like a chess game with her as your opponent. I think you need to treat it as a three-legged race with her as your partner.
    And I've been married 15 years and still do what if all the time. I think when you stop doing that, when you assume all of your decisions are the right ones, that's when you get in a lot of trouble and end up a Trump supporter :)
     
  9. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Yeah, I asked her about it later that day. She says the reason she had told her mum (which hence led to rest of family) about me was because of our holiday. She said she'd feel really bad if her mum found out about her going on holiday with me from someone else, so she wanted to tell her first. I suppose it makes sense, going on holiday together is maybe the first non-official milestone, so it wouldn't be nice for her mum to be excluded from that.

    To be fair to her, she has raised her doubts with me up to now (and they didn't really bother me), but I've felt like I'd better keep mine hidden to avoid hurting her feelings. I am trying to be more open, but at the same time I think I'm not as in touch with my feelings, so if somethings bothering me, I'm not totally aware at the time, sometimes I need to go away and reflect.

    My brother has 4 kids and is only 2 years older than me. I've felt a bit inadequate next to him, even though nobody in my family puts any real pressure on me. I've been thinking and saying that I want a family for a couple of years, but reality hit me when I introduced GF to my brother and his family. They've just had a baby, a 2 week old, and I felt a bit under the spot light when holding the new born! I've held plenty of newborns before (15 nieces and nephews), but having the GF sitting beside me made it a bit different. I love my nieces and nephews and enjoy playing with them, but of course being a parent is a whole different ball game!

    All in all, I think I'm the one putting pressure on (mainly on myself) but I really need to chill. We've only been going out a few months and 34 isn't that old!

    Haha, thanks! I do tend to assume everyone married with kids knows exactly what they're doing and is 100% sure of everything. Good analogy re: being a trump supporter, I'd rather be honest and full of doubts!


    I PMO'd a couple of times on Friday but haven't since. I think I just wanted to do something selfish..... haven't had any cravings since...
     
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  10. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Believe me, your brother is looking at your life and wishing he could trade places a lot of the time.
     
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  11. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I'll take your word for it! Going to Dubrovnik tomorrow with GF, hope I can enjoy it for what it is and stop worrying about the future.
     
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  12. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    You're going on vacation without kids....he's jealous, trust me.
     
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  13. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Just back from Holiday. Absolutely loved it. Probably the best holiday I've had as an adult!
    I feel fantastic about my relationship with GF. We spent 5 days together, and it just felt so natural, easy and fun.
    I really needed the holiday as I hadn't had a proper holiday for a year and a half or so. It was also a great chance to connect further with GF.
    I can't imagine too many women that would tolerate my annoying habits and jokes (and even find many of them funny!), so I think we may have something special.

    For the first day or 2 I kept finding myself thinking about other women, What Ifs and the future with marriage kids etc.. However, I just started to tell myself "Just fucking enjoy what you have right now, enjoy each other's company and the next 5 days". When I started doing that, my fears and doubts started to fade away.

    I'd like to have kids some day but for now I'm just going to enjoy the freedom that not having them gives!!!
     
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  14. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @gavney
    You sound very healthy and on the right track. You're never going to stop with What Ifs...if you do, it means you've died, not that your dissatisfied with your life and something is wrong.
     
  15. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Thanks man, I appreciate what you're saying about "What Ifs". As someone else pointed out much earlier in my thread, trying to block these sorts of thoughts can make things worse. I need to actually allow these thoughts and fantasies to run through my mind, and just let them exit the other side.

    Also, was on another stag last weekend. A friend who is married with kids was out on the dance floor, chatting up women and saying he'd love to be single again. I've heard him gushing about his wife and kid on other occassions.
    Then another guy who is single and very very good looking, was going around trying to chat up women but getting shot down left right and centre. Had lunch with him the following day and he was talking about how he hates being single.
    So, I guess you can't have it all.
    The life I have at the moment with GF is better than what I had before as a single person, so I think I'll stick to this:)
     
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  16. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    The fact you can recognize this puts you so far ahead of so many other people. If it ever becomes perfect, let me know.
     
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  17. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member


    im glad to hear you are giving up escorts..the psychological component of paying for sex..,of turning it into a business transaction, is very detrimental. the negative effects of prostitution are tremendous.
     
  18. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, haven't posted on my own journal for a few months. I think in part that's a good sign. Reading over all of my thoughts and input from others is quite useful
    I stopped going to the therapist around mid-October as I felt I had gotten as much from it as needed. However, I'm now feeling the need to go again as I've found myself having doubts again about GF.
    This could be just due to some major changes we've been through in the last couple months.

    So, we've been together for 8 month now, and she moved in about 3 weeks ago, My tenant/ flatmate moved out a couple weeks before that.
    We also spent our first Christmas together. I went down the country to her family house on the 26th/27th. By the second day I was beginning to have major doubts again. I think this is because the "honeymoon phase glasses" are starting to come off. I'm starting to really see her for who she really is, and she is probably seeing me more clearly also.
    Things that are bothering me:

    1. She puts me down sometimes. Like giving me the finger "jokingly" in front of her family.
    2. How she treats her Dad was quite off-putting. Her dad is overweight and is fond of telling long stories (both of which she's critical of). But he's a very warm person (as is her Mum). I found them to
    both be very welcoming to me. They're very down to earth altogether. So, it just didn't sit well with me when she was criticizing her Dad to his face. There's a saying that the way
    a woman treats her father is how she'll treat her partner. Maybe, I'm fearing that eventually she'll become quite critical of me.
    3. She's so energetic. She hops out of bed early in the morning, goes for a run etc.. I like exercising also, but I just find we're a little bit out of sync with our "energy" levels at times. I know that might sound
    very vague, but I don't know what it is, I just find myself exhausted by her at times (even if I don't partake in the running)
    4. We made a "trade" a couple of months ago that I would start flossing if she would start using mouthwash (I find her breath a bit smelly at times, though I haven't told her that). I started to floss but noticed after a couple
    weeks she hadn't made any effort to buy or use mouthwash. I jokingly mentioned it and she said ok, fair enough, you've made the effort with flossing, I'll get some mouthwash. However, still a week later she hasn't made any effort
    (I've offered her to use mine but she won't use that either). So, as a result, I'm not bothering to floss!
    5. I feel I make more of an effort with sex. Apart from maybe once or twice in our relationship, I've initiated sex every time. Apart from it feeling like I'm doing all the work, it also creates a strong feeling that she either doesn't like sex, doesn't like what I'm doing (though I've tried many things to please her), or isn't that attracted to me.
    So, sex feels just seems like an effort. I've talked to her about this, but she says she loves having sex with me. She also keeps saying she will give me oral, but never does (only done it twice I think). In general, I just feel like sex is very one-sided.

    On the flipside, there's the following really positive things about her.
    1. She's hardworking and caring. The way she looks after her special needs brother and her younger siblings in general is endearing.
    2. She's very generous with cleaning and cooking. When we weren't living together, we were sharing the cooking equally, but she's been very good about cooking and cleaning since moving in
    mainly because I've been working while she has been off for a couple of weeks.
    3. She listens to my gripes about work etc.. and is helpful. She has even come to help me in work a couple times (I work for myself)
    4. She is happy to spend time with me doing things I enjoy, like watching football (I guess this probably won't last too long though, and maybe I'll prefer to watch on my own after a while!)
    5. She's a down to earth person, but I feel at times, she pretends to be less materialistic than she is (though it's probably true of many people)

    Anyway, that's it. I don't really have any other outlet to talk about this stuff at the moment, so I've probably let little things build up a bit. I feel better now and hopefully we can overcome this. However, I fear that having this many doubts so early in the relationship is not a good sign.

    There are plenty of things I know I could be doing to improve things on my side also, and I will start working on these things.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2019
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  19. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I have the feeling that this is really a matter of getting used to eachother in living together. Even with the most perfect people around, when you start living together things really have to balance out. I would really avoid making such kind of flossing/mouthwater agreements. Better is to try to accept eachothers weaknesses, or point it out and let the other make a decision him- herself. You could tell her that she has occassional bad breath. She will probably thank you for that, because who would want to have bad breath (actually I had the same thing with my wife, told her, and she brushed her teeth more often and now it's good). With most things I think it is largely a matter of adapting to each other naturally. That will just take time. Give eachother space and take space a time for yourself. I wouldn't make to hasty decisions. This stuff is natural and will deepen your relationship.
     
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  20. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I appreciate your advice, and I think you're right about the mouthwash/flossing agreement. Even if we both kept our end of the bargain, it would make our relationship feel too transactional, and neither of us would every be doing it of our own accord. I don't even mind her "bad" breath (it's really not that bad), it's more the underlying feeling of her not reciprocating. However, she is very giving to me in many ways. I think I make more of an effort of the sexual side, but she is better with listening to me than I am to her. I felt I was doing more of the driving, but she does more cleaning. We're never going to be 100% equal, so just need to keep making an effort, play to our own strengths and trust that she will do the same (and I think she will, as she's not a selfish person).

    You're right about the space also. I felt in a rush to get home last night after work as I said i'd be home at a certain time for dinner. However, I really wanted to go the gym. I started resenting "having" to be home at a certain time (even though she hadn't put any pressure on me about that - I had put the expectation on myself). So, in the end, I said I'd be a bit late and went for a quick session in the gym, which I was very happy to do, and which GF was completely cool with.

    I'm inexperienced in a serious relationship and in living with a partner, so I've plenty to learn!

    Thanks again for your input.
     

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