33 YO Returning Here

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by gavney, Apr 9, 2018.

  1. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    And don't forget that most of them can only do that because they are high on and addicted to cocaine, amfetamine and/ or booze. Most actresses cope with serious depression during and after their careers …
     
  2. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Maybe, but I try not to think about what I can't do anything about or really know. Some may experience depression, addiction etc.. but we just don't know for certain. Perhaps the actress I choose to look at today is happy, who knows? I'm trying not to think about that aspect of it, as it just makes me feel guilty but doesn't actually help change my behaviour. When I focus on how PMOing affects my own life i.e. made me depressed, made it easy to avoid looking for a real partner etc... that's when I start making changes. Anyway, thanks for your input Gilgamesh, I appreciate your support.

    So, I PMO'd a couple times over the weekend. I'm working from home for the first half of today and I'm tempted to look at P now. I keep bargaining with myself, which really highlights the addiction side of this. It's typical addiction thinking. Part of me knows it won't make my day better, it just causes me to feel dissatisfied with my GF, sends me into a pleasure vacuum, with depression at the end of it. The addict in me tells me it's "just a bit of fun" or that it's something I "need" to do, when in reality that's just ridiculous. I need to put space between me and the addiction again, as I was doing well until the weekend.
    I'll be spending the weekend with my GF which will make things easier.

    Apart from that, I need to keep doing exercise regularly. I didn't go to the gym much in the past week, and football games have been cancelled due to people watching the World Cup
     
  3. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, my GF met my Dad last night. it's the first time either of us have met either sides family/ friends (apart from house mates).

    I was nervous, the commitment phobe in me was on high alert, as this represented making our relationship official. Once this info gets to my sisters, they'll be asking all sorts of questions, which I hate, as relationships are very personal to me, and I like to process my emotions on my own, or with someone close to me. I hate talking about my feelings in a group.
    When my GF came over to my apartment, she didn't seem in her usual friendly mood which was making me question everything! In hindsight, I think she was just nervous about meeting Dad, which I can understand.
    Anyway, went very well, few drinks, we all had a good time but glad it's done now

    We had really great passionate sex last night, and I think that part of our relationship has improved as time has gone on, getting to know each other more etc..
    I do feel really connected to her when we have sex. I briefly look at P this morning after she left, and it just didn't do it for me, so I started fantasising about my GF instead I started to M, but I decided I'd save it for my GF tomorrow instead :)
     
    cjm likes this.
  4. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Spent the weekend with GF. We had sex on Friday night and spent the day at the beach on Saturday (we're having a heat wave here, hotter than it's been in years). It was a good day, she was great company, played football with me (to humour me i guess), went swimming, had some nice chats. Then went out for dinner a couple drinks and watched the World Cup. She went off for a few hours the following day for a cycle with a friend, as she's training for a longer cycle event next week. When we met up again, I don't know what it was but I just didn't feel like being around her. She was wearing pyjamas, and glued to her phone but also I'm having doubts as to whether I'm attracted to her or not. She's pretty, esp with makeup on and dressed up. But when I met her first, I didn't think she was my type.
    However, I've definitely felt very attracted to her at times, and we do have great fun together. But I'm wondering if, having not really dated any one else in over a decade, I don't really have any comparison. Maybe there's someone else I'd be more attracted to or even more compatible with or both.

    Or maybe we're just getting to a stage where we're getting a bit too close, like spending 48 hours wrapped in each others arms and talking to no-one else can get a bit tiring....

    Sex last night was enjoyable but really it felt like we were doing it out of boredom as there was nothing good on TV! It was the first time she gave me oral, despite me doing that for her numerous times up to now. It was good, but I felt a bit annoyed that she didn't reciprocate until now and only after I asked (i've asked a few times before now but she just said some other time). It's not even that I'm missing out, it's the fact that she doesn't seem eager to please me sexually. If she asked me to give her oral, I'd happily oblige and be delighted to know it was pleasurable for her. In general also, I feel like I'm always the one making more effort with sex. I'm on top 90% of the time, I'm always initiating it (don't think she ever has). It concerns me as I wonder if she's just having sex just to keep me happy. Or possibly she is just self conscious about being on top or giving Oral.

    I feel a little dissatisfied with her body even though she probably has a nicer figure than 90% of normal women our age. Visiting escorts probably skewed this for me more than Porn as I used to visit the same 4 or 5 escorts, all of whom had insanely hot bodies, perfect in every proportion. However, these women were probably spending 2-3 hours in the gym every day. I can't expect my GF to do that, esp if I don't do that myself!
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2018
  5. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I PMO'd twice yesterday...

    I'm going to try avoid any sex for the next few days. I hope my GF isn't insulted. I just think it leaves me feeling lethargic after. Also I'd like to take time to get to know each other in different ways. We're going for a cycle tonight so that might help.
     
  6. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    so tempted to watch P now. I have a specific actress in mind. Need to just let it pass, get through the next hour, then the temptation will dissipate. Get today done with...
     
  7. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    fs, just booked a holiday with GF. We joked about how ridiculous it was, dating for a little over 2 months and then booking a holiday...
    then within 1 day of booking it, im having major doubts about us, and I feel she is too. She keeps joking about breaking up, hasn't told anyone in her family about me, even though they clearly have suspicions.
    i have no idea how i feel about her now. it feels like i'm being kept hidden from her family (and her friends). I wonder if that's because she's not that into me or if she's just worried it won't work out and doesn't want family knowing about it if it doesn't work out.

    anyway, while i was grappling with these issues today, i had this temptation to look at P just to distract me. I realised what it was, and decided not too. Anyway, at least that's a positive. I'm not automatically escaping real life problems by PMOing anymore
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2018
  8. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    When you go on holiday together it's a perfect opportunity to find out if you two click/match.
     
    gavney likes this.
  9. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Yeah, you're right man, thanks for your response, much appreciated
     
  10. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Went on a Stag with a friends over the weekend. Had great fun and realised how much i needed a break, hadn't been away this year at all.
    Feeling much better about GF. Really missed her while I was away. Also, haven't done any PMO in about 7 days and don't feel a temptation to at all. Haven't M'd in at least a week either. Feelings for GF are growing and I don't think I'm even interested in fantasizing about anyone else now :)

    Looking forward to holiday with her now. I have a tendency to look to far into the future e.g. marriage, kids etc.. which makes me panic (e.g. my posts above!) Need to just focus on now, and enjoy life as it is.
     
    Living likes this.
  11. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    FS, I think i've just totally blown it with GF.

    On Saturday, I re-downloaded Tinder, just to look at what's out there, partly out of boredom, partly out of having doubts if I love my GF.
    I was looking at the girls and thinking I don't really like any of them. Then last night, while I was actually thinking how cute my GF is and how easy everything is with her, we laugh at the same things etc... I thought "I'd better delete Tinder", but then I didn't get a chance.
    Anyway, forgot about it. The in bed this morning was reading an article about Tiger Woods cheating on my phone, and laughing at him. GF is reading it too over my shoulder when a "Congrats you got a new Tinder Match" pops up on the top of the screen. Uggghhhhh, I felt like a pile of shit right there.
    She turned around and was initially not too responsive. Then I just saw the hurt in her cute little face. She's not even angry at me, just wondering what it means. And the problem is I don't really know what it means myself, so I couldn't give her a straight answer.

    I had to admit to her that I'm not 100% about us. I told her about a girl from a year ago that I went on a couple of dates with that I fucked things up with and still think about and wonder what if - why the fuck did I tell her that. Why the hell do I still think about that other girl? Ok, so she's prettier maybe, but we never got on the same way i do with my GF.
    And I bawled my eyes out while leaving her apartment. What does she do? Sits me down and consoles me. I'm the a**hole and she's the one giving me a shoulder to cry on. Just emphasises what I'm potentially f***ing up here.

    Am I just afraid of committment?

    I'm terrified of hurting my GF that I just want to end it with her so she doesn't have to deal with my sh**.

    The worst thing is, if she doesn't dump me over this, and we stay together and are happy, will she ever trust me in the same way again? Is the relationship damaged beyond repair now?

    I'm such a f**** idiot.
     
  12. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    That Tinder moment was rough. I understand curiosity, but don't leave anything on your phone you wouldn't want your mom or girlfriend to find. It sounds like you were gaslighting her, but maybe I'm just cynical. Be careful of being able to manipulate things your way. It's a skill that can be abused easily.
    I don't think the relationship is beyond repair, you just have to work harder. Maybe this whole incident taught you that while the grass is always greener, you got a good thing and not to ruin it. You can earn back her trust, but that's done with actions and not words.
     
  13. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Hi Joshua,

    Thanks for your response. I've downloaded and deleted Tinder it a few times since we started going out together, but I guess on this occassion I just was being careless. I thought it's unlikely that she'd go through my apps (it's well hidden inside other folders) as she's not that type of person. I had disabled notifications for Tinder before but the settings must have been reset when I uninstalled it last and reinstalled it. I'm not totally sure what you mean by gaslighting here? Like, do you mean that I'm subsconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship by leaving Tinder on my phone? Sorry, I'm not sure I really understand the term.
    I suppose in a way, I'm glad that we had the conversation we had this morning, as it's the first sort of real conversation we've had like this. It's very difficult to say to someone that you're having doubts about the relationship, but it would have been better than her finding out the way she did.

    You're right about the grass always being greener. I do have a good thing, possibly a great thing. I just hope I haven't messed it up so bad that we don't get a chance to find out if it's a really great thing.

    We've a holiday booked in 2 weeks. It would have been a great chance to see if we connected, but now I fear we either won't go, or it will just be a holiday of fighting.

    And you're right about actions. Nothing I say can change how she feels. I just have to work out how I feel.

    It may seem extreme, but I've booked an appointment with a therapist this week. I had been thinking of doing it recently through all my doubts. Wish I had done it sooner... but think I need to talk through some things with someone face to face, whether we break up or not
     
  14. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    You're also right about my needing to work harder. I need to work harder on staying away from Porn, Tinder and from Facebook (where I keep checking out the profile of that girl from last year).

    I didn't feel like there was anything wrong with being on Tinder (as opposed to P) but now I see how bloody disrespectful of my GF it is.
     
  15. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Gaslighting is basically the manipulative ability to turn things around on someone in a conversation. If you're looking for people on Tinder and she discovers it on your phone, but you're able to talk your way out of it, making her believe you that it's harmless and she thinks she's crazy for even bringing it up by the time you're done, that's gaslighting. The part where you mentioned you're the one sitting there bawling your eyes out and she's consoling you...it sounds a little manipulative to me.


    It may seem extreme to a lot of people on here, but I think it's a brilliant move. I thoroughly support having an independent party to talk to. While this PMO stuff can work, it doesn't deal with the deeper issues. You can put a bandage on a bullet wound, but the bullet is still inside you.

    Have somebody else change your passwords for you, or make them really hard to memorize, like G8d%nd9tw You'll never be able to replicate it. Sure, you can go start a new account, but hopefully during the time it takes to start a new account, a little light goes on in your head telling you to stop.
     
  16. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Firstly, Joshua, thanks so much for your input. I really do appreciate your perspective.

    Re: the gaslighting. Well, I understand where you're coming from. I did try to downplay the Tinder thing, partly as I don't really understand why I was doing it myself, and also I had downplayed it in my own mind. I discussed it with GF by text and her main concern is that it means that I don't want to be in a relationship (which is definitely not true, I've been single long enough to know it's not what I want). I also wasn't on Tinder with the intention of cheating, and she accepts that, which is good, because that would probably have made things beyond repair.

    So, I went to a therapist last night and I came out feeling like a weight had been lifted off me. I've had thoughts swirling around my head the last couple of months, which I've never properly teased apart. Writing about it here or in my Journal is good. But I think there's something different about sitting down with a therapist and talking out loud with a professional, who is forcing me to tackle the difficult questions, that I just don't get from writing or from this forum.

    So, our main discussion last night was to why I downloaded Tinder. He pointed that the fact that I keep downloading it and deleting it is a sign that I don't know why I'm using it and it's a question that needs to be worked out.
    I think I had already worked out that I was on it for 1. External Validation 2. Checking what else it out there, could I do better than my GF? (uggh cringey thinking) 3.Boredom
    But something the therapist seemed to be getting at was that I'm maybe using it as a self-protection mechanism i.e. if I can get external validation from others, or know that I have other options, then it makes the possibility of my GF ultimately rejecting me (for whatever reason) a bit more palatable. And now all i've done is increase the likelihood that she dumps me at some stage.

    I do get mixed signals from my GF (though maybe just my imagination). She seems to alway be eager to make time for me, texts me regularly. Is up for sex regularly, likes cuddling and kissing and says that she really likes me. Neither of us has taken the chance to say the magic words "I love you". On the other side, she hasn't told her family about me (though her sister put 2 and 2 together), she's told friends about me but hasn't introduced me to any. It may be that she's just protecting herself, as she doesn't want to have to tell everyone we broke up in a months time or whenever (which I completely understand).
     
  17. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I'm not sure why I feel so afraid of rejection. I'm ashamed of my past experiences with escorts and am worried she'd reject me if she found out about it (esp at this point in the relationship). Perhaps that's why I'm looking at other women on Tinder etc.. I haven't experienced true emotional honesty with GF and allowed myself to be truly vulnerable around her, so I tell myself the problem is with her and that I need to look elsewhere, with an easier surface level interaction like on Tinder. After all, you don't need to have difficult conversations with someone on Tinder, or at the beginning of a relationship.

    Anyway, those are the difficult questions I need to discuss more with therapist. He said he thinks it's not a bad idea to tell her about therapy, as it shows a commitment to wanting to work on the relationship, but I'm worried it will scare her away, as it makes me look like a guy with serious issues (which she probably doesn't want to deal with after a 3 month relationship!)

    I've deleted my Facebook account (though it takes 2 weeks to be fully completed), and of course I've already deleted Tinder, which is connected with Facebook, so it should make it difficult to go on it again.

    However, those are the first steps , the bandage for a bullet wound. The real work is going to be with a therapist and with my GF.
    Re: Porn, I haven't had an temptation to look at it since Tinder-gate, which probably indicative of something...
     
  18. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @gavney Everything you've written makes a lot of sense. It sounds like both you and your girlfriend are a little leery to pull the trigger and put all the official, public bells and whistles that comes with a real relationship. Maybe your unease with relationships is one of the things you share and what attracted you to each other.
    I think you should tell her about therapy. I think the more we hide our mental health issues, the worse we can make them seem. Who knows what your diagnosis will ever be and it doesn't really matter. You are who you are, but if you can understand how you got to this place (not saying it's a bad place or a good place), you'll have a better understanding how you get to the next place.
    Good to see the porn triggers subsiding. They may come back or you may grow to a place you're free of it.
    I think you've got a good handle on who you are, you seem to be in a decent spot in life and you're getting that external help/coaching/therapy that can benefit all of us.
     
  19. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Yes, I think you're spot on with that, and thanks for putting your finger on it, as I didn't recognise that commonality between us. I think we're both somewhat introverted, but my GF is also quite a confident person in social situations, more so than I am. However, she's quite protective of herself and her feelings, which I am also. I've struggled with being set up with women by friends/family in the past, and I think some of it is to do with not liking feeling like I'm being watched. I prefer being allowed to process my feelings on my own or with the help of a close friend/ therapist.

    I told her about it last night, and it felt great. She's so very understanding and chilled about these things that it's just making me feel more and more attracted to her. She's such a lovely person.
    I revealed alot to her last night, about my Porn problem (she didn't seem to care about it at all) and about my parents troubled relationship, and how I've always desperately wanted to avoid ending up like them, ever since I was a kid. Observing them fighting constantly, I used to pray that they'd just get a divorce or separate.
    I think this has been part of the reason I'm looking for perfection in a relationship, and I panic unnecessarily.

    It's almost magical. I have had no desire to watch Porn or to go on Tinder this week at all. I think that proves that so much of it is to do with wanting to avoid or being unable to deal with my thoughts and emotions. I just need to keep working hard and have faith in myself that I can change.
    GF says she has faith in me and understands everything, but she still doesn't feel 100% yet. I'll have to be patient, but at the same time I accept there's a possibility that I'll never regain her trust fully. Whether that leads to a break-up in the future, only time will tell. I really hope not.

    Thanks again Joshua, your insights and advice are great!
     
  20. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Yes, they truly are. :p:p:p:p:p
     
    gavney likes this.

Share This Page