33 YO Returning Here

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by gavney, Apr 9, 2018.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I agree. There are some positive to build on here.
     
  2. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, I haven't PMO'd since last weekend, and haven't been tempted to either.

    Went on a 3rd date with the girl and had a great time! Just went for a walk along the beach and some ice cream. No drink involved, which gave me a better idea of whether or not I like her. I do really like her and am beginning to have feelings for her. It's the first time I think I've had genuine feelings like this for a girl in about 10 years.
    I think this is at least partly due to cutting way down on PMO in the last month. I'm not thinking about sex, just connecting with her. The conversation really flowed on our latest date. She's kind, fun, smart, down to earth, has a similar sense of humor to me, and she has a really really nice smile. She has a great figure also, but I barely paid attention to that, and I think that has something to do with not looking at P as much.

    We're going out again tomorrow night to a comedy gig, and looking forward to it, though I need to make sure not to drink much at it.
     
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Maybe don't drink at all?

    Love the sound of the last date, bro'.
     
  4. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Well, went to the comedy gig, and the attempt to not drink much went out the window fairly quickly! We both got horrendously drunk but had a great time anyway!
    We're going out again tomorrow for dinner and a movie, and I am absolutely not drinking a single thing!

    I MO'd late last night with my horrendous hangover. But anyway, not the end of the world. There was no P involved and it wasn't a binge.
    I'm definitely feeling less of a compulsion to watch P in the last couple of months.
     
  5. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Had a nice date again the other night. Will be meeting again in a few days as she's away for a bit.

    One thing I've realised since dating this girl, is that PMO (and more recently, escorts) has often been a way of avoiding dealing with the complexities of dating and relationships. With PMO or escorts there's no fear of rejection, no hassle associated with going on bad dates, no fear of intimacy or fear of commitment. It's just a completely self-involved, risk free (PMO anyway), easy option. But as with many things in life, the easy option often isn't the best option. Dating and Relationships take time, effort, and are emotionally risky, but I'm hoping the payoff is better! So far it's been great, but still we're at the stage of getting to know each other so I'm not going to get ahead of myself.

    Can't believe this is the first time I've been properly dating someone in over a decade:oops:
     
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  6. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I PMO'd 3 times yesterday. I think this was due to tiredness and boredom. Wanted to sleep in the middle of the day but couldn't due to flat mate snoring (he does this whenever he's hungover and it's very annoying)

    Anyway, the girl I'm dating has been working the last 3 days, and she works 15 hour shifts, so I can't see her on those days. I'm going over to hers tonight.
    We had sex for the first time a little over a week ago, but then she went away for a few days with a friend and I only saw her for a couple hours during the week.
    Anyway, the sex... well tbh I thought she wasn't all that into it. that may just have been reluctance as it was the first time and we don't know each other that well. At least I hope that's it. Other reasons could be she's not that into me or she's not very sexual. I hope it's not either of those reasons!

    Also, I didn't ejaculate, after about 20 minutes of sex. I haven't had this problem with escorts in the past (who, embarrassingly have accounted for the majority sexual experiences..). I wonder if it was due to the lack of oral sex.... or something else. Anyway hopefully tonight will go better. We will be more comfortable with each other and she won't have a flight to get up for in 5 hours!
     
  7. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, we spent a couple of days together. I really really like her on a compatibility level. We laugh at the same things, have great fun together, kissing is really good and we seem to have alot of similar interests, in terms of TV shows, movies, being outdoors, exercise, food etc.. In fact, I've never dated a girl I felt so comfortable with before. She's also kind and smart but very down to earth.
    In terms of attraction, I hate to say it, but I've been more physically attracted to women before. I am attracted to her, just not that much. She has a nice figure, and looks after herself, however I might just be being too picky about her looks, which makes me feel like a douche.

    Anyway, the sex.. We've had sex about 6 times so far. I think 3 of the times, I was unable to finish and eventually went soft. I think this has alot to do with P use and a lack of sensitivity. I want to get over this problem as it's frustrating for me and possibly also for her, and might hurt her feelings.
    She was alot more passionate about sex since the first time, which is a big plus:)
     
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  8. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I haven't PMO'd since Saturday so this is the 5th day no PMO. However, I did look at P today briefly while on my own in work, out of boredom really. I did notice while watching it that I was comparing my girlfriends body to the girls in P and felt she wasn't as sexy as them. But she's actually in better shape than 90% of women in real life. I was looking at women on the road today and comparing their bodies against my gf and she has a nicer figure than most of them. Comparing her against women in P is like comparing my own body against male fitness models. Add to that, the women in P probably spend half their days trying to look good or have had plastic surgery. I wouldn't want to date someone like that in reality.

    I won't see her again until Monday probably as she will be working. It's a good opportunity for me to challenge myself to keep away from P in her absence.
     
  9. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I think that one of the most important processes during the reboot is to get rid of that visual aspect of sexual interaction. Even if your gf would be a perfect 10, you'd get bored with her body as long as you're still hooked to this kind of visual stimulation. Even porn actresses become boring after you've seen then in 10 different video's, isn't it?

    Well done on almost a week w.o. PMO!
     
  10. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Yes, you're right, very well put! While the visual part is important, it really should be only part of the overall sexual interaction. There's the build up, emotional connection, touching, kissing, visual and reciprocating. Porn can only arouse us using one of those aspects (the visual) so it focuses on "perfecting" the visual, and then our brains become obsessed with the visual side, ignoring everything else in real life interactions.

    I have to admit that I've been more focused on quitting PMO in the past few weeks and haven't been making that much effort to quit looking at P solely. However, I am realising that it is affecting how I view my girlfriend and distorting my view of reality, so I'm going to make more effort to quit it as well. It's odd that I have a temptation to just look at porn with no intention of MOing..
    And yes, I do get bored of every porn actress after a while.
     
  11. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    7th day no PMO today. Also, hadn't looked at P in last few days, though I had been tempted a couple times when bored.
    I did look at an escort site today for about 10 seconds. I think it's just that I want to feel that temptation almost, that rush of seeing those pretty images. It didn't arouse me at all however, and just seemed a bit silly.

    Sometimes I tell myself that I need to look at P as it's normal and healthy part of life. Well, that can't be true as millions of men have presumably gotten by without it for thousands of years. Even the people who went out of the way to buy VHS Porn 30 years ago, didn't have it to the same degree as we have it freely now.

    My GF has been working nights so I booked myself in for Scuba diving yesterday, which I hadn't done in 9 months. Was good to have something concrete to do during the day. Had no temptation to PMO yesterday as was too busy!
     
  12. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    8th day no PMO. I had sex twice last night with GF. It was the best we've had so far, very passionate, long and with no problems with ED or Ejaculation for me.
    However, for some reason I felt like S*** this morning, even though I slept really well.
    I keep thinking about this girl who I messed things up with about a year ago, probably partly due to PIED and the accompanying insecurities. She was apparently really into me but I messed it up at numerous opportunities. Now she has a BF and I'm comparing my GF to her, who is probably not as attractive looking but is really really nice and cool.
    But then I wonder, if I was with the other girl would I be comparing her to someone else!!
    10 years of no real dating experience has left me not knowing if this girl is right for me. And I feel like, at 34 (we both are 34), I can't really be messing her around. It's still very early though, only going out about 5 weeks, so probably shouldn't be putting too much pressure on myself!
     
  13. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Day 9 no PMO. I did look at an escort site for 20 seconds again today, just for some eye candy. It's hard to put my finger on why I do this, but I'm recognising it's not good, it skews my view of what the typical woman looks like or acts like. Years of viewing women in P "looking at me" seductively has probably twisted my view of myself and women significantly over the years.

    I'm starting to feel like part of the real world again....

    Don't really have any urge to PMO though, which is good.
     
  14. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Day 10 no PMO. GF came over last night and we made dinner together, really enjoyed it. I am starting to look at her as a whole person now, her beauty, personality and our compatibility all as one package, rather than breaking everything down into different parts and microanalysing everyting about her. I'm learning to go with the flow more.

    She invited me to meet a few of her friends in a couple of weeks, which I'm looking forward to, so things going well!
     
  15. Living

    Living Active Member

    You know: this happens. As long as it doens't become obsessive, don't make it worse by thinking you should not think things like that. Just see how things go with your girlfriend and if you like being with her stick with her:) Often it's better to settle for something good, than keep looking for something better. I sometimes have similar things with my girlfriend, but when I look at how much I like being with her it doesn't really matter that much that perhaps I had GF's that were better looking or better at sex (somehow these are the things I like to compare the most).
     
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  16. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Yeah, you're spot on there. That's the worst part of it, beating myself up for thinking thoughts! I have really great fun with this girl, we have alot of laughs, and I shouldn't take that for granted esp since I've got a bit of an odd sense of humour! And I am attracted to her, I'm just being a bit fussy and possibly a bit greedy!

    Thanks for your input Living!
     
  17. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Day 12 No PMO. I've just been re-reading my posts here, and I can't believe how much things have changed (for the better) in the last 2 months. I'm generally happier, but more importantly I'm way more aware of my feelings. I fantasize less in general (not just sexually, but also I fantasize less about living a different life etc..). I'm dating a girl I like and have genuine feelings for her. That has helped with rebooting but I also think the reverse is true i.e. I've made more of an effort with the dating because of no PMO.
    I think I've also been more productive in work.

    I did have urges to PMO this morning while lying in bed. I think this was as much to avoid having to get out of bed as anything else. (which I never enjoy!). I'm glad I didn't, feel good today and meeting GF tonight, looking forward to that.
     
  18. Living

    Living Active Member

    To me this is very recognizable. When it comes to urges overall I'm fine during the day. Although I don't mind getting out of bed at all, most of urges occur when I'm just waking up and waiting for the alarm clock to buzz or when I try to stay in bed a bit longer in the weekends (which I'm not particulary good at, but which my GF likes). And these are also the moments when my slips starts. It might be that I actually PMO late in the afternoon, but very often I have more or less decided that this is going to happen today when I was still lying in bed doing nothing. So that me that's really the point where I should be careful and can make the biggest progress. I don't know why this occurs at that specific moment, I guess it has to do with ingrained behaviour, but I'm always like "Why the hell do I get urges now?"

    And good to read about the changes during the last 2 months! I had the same thing up til a month ago and while I didn't gain supernatural strenght or the ability to shoot lasers from my eyes I was without a doubt feeling better over the entire line. And like you said, besides feeling more happy, I was doing more things that would make me happy. Really looking forward to get back to that point again:)
     
  19. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, I spent the weekend with the new GF. From Friday evening to Monday morning. It was the longest we've spent together and we didn't drive each other nuts so it's a good sign i think! The sex has improved also. So, for the weekend I didn't PMO or MO.
    However, yesterday I did MO in the afternoon, thinking about her. And then watch porn today for a few mins. It just has me comparing my GF to the girls in porn both in how they look, their bodies and also in how they act. Incredibly sensuous BJs, gagging for sex., threesomes, all this. I have to remind myself that they're mostly actors. And if they're not actors they're either a bit f**** up or just very different people to me, and very much in the minority of women.
    Also, have to remind myself that everything is staged, made to look good. Some positions they do in porn probably aren't particularly enjoyable for the man or the woman, but they look good on camera. I fantasize about doing them with my GF, but when I actually think of the mechanics of it, I realise it's probably really awkward and forced!

    Any woman I've been with in real life (bar escorts) weren't like this at all. They weren't groaning with delight as soon as I touched them, they wouldn't just move to a different position at the click of a finger.
    I do feel my GF enjoys sex, but it takes time and some work on my part.

    It seems to be why alot of men cheat on their partners with escorts, as they'll do whatever just by asking and it's very easy sex, very one-directional.
     
  20. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Day 2 full no PMO
    Went to cinema last night with GF. Fairly average film but had a good time.
    We had sex afterwards and it was the best I've ever had. We're getting to know each other more, feel close to her. I get paranoid sometimes that she's about to break up with me, though I don't have any good reason to believe that.
    Sometimes I think she's being cold, but when I think about it, she probably just needs a bit of space and is preoccupied (which I need myself also) with something else. All in all, she texts regularly, she makes herself available whenever she can and she's a passionate kisser and lover. I've been tempted a few times to tell her I love her but I'm afraid, worried it's too soon or that she won't say it back.
    Previously, these sorts of thoughts might have led me to PMO to escape the fear of being broken hearted. At least now I'm developing some strength to be able to deal with them (and this forum is helpful in that regard!)
     
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