33 YO Returning Here

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by gavney, Apr 9, 2018.

  1. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, here's my story. 33 Year Old Man

    I started watching Porn compulsively from about the age of 21 to about 28. It ruined a couple of relationships, gave me ED and generally messed up my view of sex.
    When I was 26 I visited a prostitute as I was sick of the missed opportunities with numerous women (either relationships or ONSs) because of my fear of sex, which I don't believe is rooted in porn, but for which porn is a form of escape from. Basically, I avoided confronting my ED and fear of sex/ intimacy by PMOing on my own in my room.
    I felt terrible the first time I visited an escort, but since then I've probably done it 100 times or more.
    In the last 4 years, I've been working on building my own business which was going well for the first 2 years, but then started going to shit in the last year and a half. In that time I just haven't had time/energy to be looking for a girlfriend, so I made a deal with myself that until the business started going well, I would visit escorts a couple of times a month as a "treat" and just to have some sort of physical contact with a woman.

    This may sound strange but I think that visiting escorts in that time has actually done me some good and I think in many ways, for someone like me who was very inexperienced with sex, it has helped me. I now understand the importance of real physical sex. It does something to the body that you just don't get from your hand. After visiting an escort I just feel fantastic, relaxed, am thinking clearer and also have little desire to watch porn/ masturbate for a few days after.
    I guess that's something many guys realise when they're in their teens and not in the 30s!

    Visiting escorts also fulfilled fantasies of sorts, as I got to have sex with a large variety of women with No Strings, and many of them were drop dead gorgeous and sexy, the likes of which I will probably never be with in real life. So, in a way I've "ticked that box". I also realise that there's something missing from the equation. After visiting an escort I liked I really wanted to connect with her/ cuddle/ kiss etc.. and spend more time with her doing things non-sexual. However, of course that's not realistic, as escorts are just doing a job and visiting them is kind of a dead-end (albeit an enjoyable one!)

    I know now that there is something missing from my life. That is real connection with a woman and a mutual loving relationship.
    My porn use has decreased significantly in the past couple of years, partly due to visiting escorts but also due to a lower libido in general, which I believe is just age-related. But I do still watch porn when I'm stressed or lonely, and I want to find better ways to fill that void. Every one of my friends is now in a Long Term relationship, the last of them started seeing someone a few months ago. That has motivated me even more as I know that over the next few years, my weekends will start to become very very lonely and empty.

    Since stumbling upon this website again, I have decided to give up PMO again. And I'm giving up escorts. Things are going better for me in general, business is improving, I'm in a better financial position and I have more time on my hands and have less stress, which is making me more inclined to find a real woman!
     
  2. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Active Member

    Hello Gavney,

    Glad you are taking the steps to become a better you. Thanks for sharing your story, and be sure to post. Getting it out, does help with staying committed. We are in this together and we can over come. Good luck in your journey and hope to hear more soon.
    Also wanted to add that, I am intrigued by your story and experience with escorts. I think it's good you got it out of your system because I feel like I am wanting more experience.

    I just posted here
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/threads/pmo-to-save-marriage.116373/

    Would like to get your thoughts on this. Thanks!
     
  3. FritzBrause

    FritzBrause “You dogs, do you want to live for ever?”

    Best of luck!
     
  4. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Thanks Guys, it does really help to see other people with similar stories. Makes me feel like I'm not insane!
     
  5. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, this is my 3rd day of no PMO. I felt a bit depressed at times on day 1 and 2, even though I went to the gym and met up with friends. Maybe it was to do with flatline as I had been cutting down on PMO last couple of weeks so there may have been some changes building up inside me.

    Anyway, feel pretty good today. Went to the gym at lunchtime and played football this evening. Going to start exercising more, like every day. I used to do that up until the last few years, when the only exercise has been my bi-weekly football matches and the odd 15 minute jog....
    I think I need to do some exercise every day, even if it's not a serious workout.

    Don't have any desire to PMO...
     
  6. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Woke up this morning with a bit of wood, but not much. No real craving or anything.
    Haven't had any particular desire to PMO in the last few days, but feel good today again!

    Since i started PMOing in my early 20s, I've very rarely felt properly horny, like where I couldn't contain myself. Probably only a handful of times. I wonder if I'll get back to that sort of level or if age has just depleted that.

    In terms of my dating life, I kissed a girl on Saturday night. I had been on 2 dates with her about a year ago but I wasn't that into her, then I bumped into her on Saturday in a pub. My friends are all just like "go for it" but I dunno I just found our dates a bit boring, there was no banter or anything but she's a nice person.
    I met another girl at a speed dating event a couple of weeks ago. Thought we got on great and we matched, so was texting her and seemed to be going well, then I asked her out last Monday. She said she was busy all of last week but would text me this week. Haven't heard from her but wondering if I should text her?
    I find that sort of interrupted dating really kills any spark. Probably why so many people I know met their partner at work, it's a place to build up connection before dating..
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2018
  7. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Dav 5 with no PMO. Woke up with wood this morning. Often I feel lonely when I get that and would PMO as a result but I just got out of bed and it disappeared quickly.
    Loneliness is a big trigger for me to PMO, but I need to remember that the women in P aren't actually interested in me (it feels weird to have to remind myself of that!). I was also a little bit tempted to visit an escort this morning but it's a bad idea. Same story as with P, it's just fake and I know that, but I drift into a fantasy to convince myself it's not temporarily.

    I'm scared of texting that girl again as she hasn't texted back and it's been over a week. That fear of rejection tempts me to look at P to escape. P never rejects me, is always accepting, always easy

    I need to start socializing more again. My job is really isolating (I work completely on my own in a warehouse I rent). I don't mind working on my own for a few hours at a time but it gets to me when I'm alone all day and then alone at night also. My flat mate and I barely interact, we're friendly enough but he really keeps to himself.

    I started working with a programming group, but I found it such a pain to get to after work that I gave up. I've also tried French meetups to brush up there but it was pretty tiring. I might try joining a running club but it might not be the most social thing. I need something where I'm talking to women, as I barely talk to women at all any more since my last job about 5 years ago. I don't have any female friends any more and I think that's a bad thing.
     
  8. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I've been PMOing or at least M or P almost every day for the last 10 years (generally more than once a day in my 20s) that it's difficult to imagine a life without it. Like I presume that I'll just end up going back to it or that I need to do it.
    I've also assumed that when I find a partner and /or get married, I'll automatically stop doing it. However, from reading other people's journals I realise it's not quite as simple as that, and I'll need to continue working hard at this even when I meet someone.

    However, I would also prefer to be rebooted and prove to myself that I can survive without PMO before I meet someone.
     
  9. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    My mood seems to be fluctuating this week. I've felt pretty depressed at times, particularly when I wake up in the morning and going to bed. I imagine that's because it's when I feel loneliest and would generally PMO. I don't think I had any Wood this morning, which was strange as I expected it would continue on an upward trend. Don't feel any sexual arousal at all.

    I even tested myself this morning by looking briefly at a P clip, but it did nothing for me. I just saw the clip for what it was: 2 actors half-way across the world fucking each other and the girl probably faking.

    having said that, I've been thinking quite clearly, have been reading a book about exercise (I generally find I don't even have the concentration to even read a book in the last couple years).

    I'm going to count this as day 6 of no PMO, as I really had no desire to watch that P clip, it was really just curiosity and maybe boredom. However I do need to find better ways to occupy my evenings. I haven't even touched my cock in a sexual way this week. This mood fluctuation at least confirms that there is something going on inside me, presumably a reboot.
     
  10. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, I looked at P today. Out of boredom I think really. I didn't act on it but neither did I particularly want to. I'm developing a realistic attitude towards what's happening in porn instead of automatically drifting into fantasy. I see it a bit more like what Gary Wilson said he saw the last time he saw P, that it just looked like an anatomy lesson and not particularly interesting. I'm not quite there yet as I did find it somewhat arousing.
    However, I do view P differently to how I used to. I'm also viewing women in general differently and I find myself fantasizing about different things, like kissing, cuddling etc..

    Still been exercising alot more lately and work is going well this week, though I still feel isolated at times in work.
    I'm making more of an effort with online dating this week. Previously, I would've sent a message once a week. If I got no response I'd just PMO. However, this week, I've messaged about 7 women (no responses yet though:() but anyway it feels
    better to be trying than to be avoiding.
     
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're wrong here. I'm almost twice your age and my libido is really good. I'm horny every day and some days extremely so. When I was PMO'ing, and all the other shit I got up to, I had zero libido. If my wife tried to initiate anything I would just say I was too tired. It was true, too, I felt too tired for sex and had no interest in sex unless it was with my hand and some pixels. Now I'm like a machine. My wife is wondering what the hell has gotten into me. Giving up PMO and MO is life changing. You're doing great. Stick with the program.

    And, yeah, escorts are just another form of P.
     
  12. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Haha, good to hear about your libido! Appreciate your input, as the way I feel now, I'm concerned about meeting a girl and her being disappointed that I only want sex twice a month or so (even after curing my PMO problem). I'm hoping that at the end of this reboot, I'll be more like every other guy I know who seems to jump at the chance of sex!
    I'm day 8 now with no M (and I haven't even attempted it, or edged or anything), and yet I'm still not horny, except the couple times I looked at P, but even then I wasn't really. My morning wood has actually disappeared completely in the last couple of mornings also.
    One thing I noticed over the years with P is that after years of it, I always had to use my hand to get aroused. I never just got horny from look at P alone. I suppose that's not natural.

    In any case, I'm feeling very good today. Went running again last night and played football today. I've finished reading "Spark" by John Ratey about the benefits of exercise, and I'm really feeling it.
     
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Same. I'm surprised my dick even works after the way I brutalized it; I practically needed to use barbed wire to feel anything down there. When I found this forum I could only get half hard and it would take ages to cum; if I could cum at all. I would have to restart, over and over, and continually look for that one clip that would arouse me to O. Thank God I'm no longer on that fucking hamster wheel. Anyway, sometimes I'll get hard now in a store just like when I was young. I find myself adjusting my pants and hoping my stiffy doesn't show. Honestly I would like to have sex every day and that's from someone who thought he had low-testosterone, depression, and every other type of imagined thing as to why I felt so blah about sex. Sex is awesome now, even though I'm fat and my wife is an old bag of bones. :D Rewiring takes time, but the pay-off is HUGE!

    You're doing great!
     
  14. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Haha, glad to hear that Saville! Gives me hope for the future!

    So, I relapsed last night with a full PMO. Thing is, I wasn't horny or anything. I was actually just interested in why I had absolutely no arousal at anything. I was beginning to wonder if my dick even worked anymore! So, i started playing with my hand, then got a bit aroused, so watched P to "complement" the M. At least I can say that the O was actually enjoyable. Generally they're more like a dull thud than anything else.

    I was playing squash with friend yesterday and when we were getting changed, he made a joke which really hit home with me and highlighted my problems with ED. He said something about "getting a boner" and I immediately made a wanking hand gesture to say "yeah, I'll get one". He then laughed saying "haha, is that the only way you can get one??!" (he didn't mean this to be insensitive as I don't think he's aware that I have a problem). It made me think, that there really is something wrong if I think of having to wank as the way that you get an erection. A few years ago, I had a ONS with a girl, and as we were getting undressed I said I needed to go to the bathroom, where I jerked myself for a minute to get myself hard before going back in and successfully having sex.

    I think my PMO problem is also part of the reason that I'm too picky with women. Firstly, I'm not that bothered about the sexual side of a relationship as I always have PMO as a way to satisfy those needs (though it never really does satisfy). Secondly, it makes me focus too much on looks and bodies, so I don't get to really know any women on an intimate level, so I don't get to see the benefits of that part of a relationship. Looks are important to me but I think PMO just overstresses it.
    Finally, because of my ED, I rarely escalate the physical side of things. In the last few years, I've been on dates where the woman was making quite clear displays of interest, but because I never escalated anything beyond a peck on the cheek within the first few dates, they seemed to just lose interest. I do also have an underlying fear of rejection (like many people I guess), but I think that if I didn't have a PMO problem, I would force myself to overcome my fears, or my arousal would take over from my fears and I'd make a move. Instead, I'm sitting in a car with a girl after a couple dates, not feeling aroused and therefore not feeling any urgency to kiss and escalate from there. Then I'd get rejected by the girl the following day and I'd respond by PMOing. Vicious circle
     
  15. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Anyway, I'm restarting no PMO today. I need to stop worrying about my lack of arousal and just let things happen.
     
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You think too much...like every addict, or person for that matter. Healing, getting healthy, is an action. All the stuff you think about will magically go away, or transform into something else, once you've put distance between yourself and P.
     
    dig deep likes this.
  17. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    You're right. I hear that from people in my life all the time. I've only realised recently that it's true. Thanks for reminding me, I need it.

    I hope so! It's been so long since there has been significant distance between me and P, that it gets hard to imagine it, but as the weeks and months go by and I find more ways (and people) to replace it, it will just become a memory:)
     
    Saville likes this.
  18. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    So, haven't been on here for nearly a week. After my first relapse, I relapsed again the following night. I think I did it because I was having trouble sleeping - did PMO help me sleep? No, not at all!
    Thankfully I didn't descend into a binge on either occassion.
    I haven't PMO'd since then, so this is Day 6. I'm feeling better than I did the first week of no PMO i.e. I don't feel my mood fluctuating. I feel that my relapse wasn't a complete reset and I am making progress.

    I have noticed myself making more of an effort with my dating life. I went on a 3rd date yesterday with a girl I'd met a year ago. I really can't tell if I'm into her, either looks-wise or on a personality level. She's from Mexico, lived here a couple of years, and I just find conversation is a little bit dull. I think this is largely due to a language gap, i.e. trying to express anything beyond basics can be difficult. She's a very nice person, though I'm not sure if I want to see her again, but I did have a nice time, so maybe I should and just see what happens.
    I've also found myself taking better care of my appearance recently, bought some new clothes over the weekend, got a haircut/beard trim, been watching what I eat. I think this is due to not allowing myself the outlet of PMO or escorts (i.e. the easy option).

    Onwards and upwards!
     
    Saville likes this.
  19. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Ok, so I go another few days without PMO, then relapsed, then went another couple of days without. Then went out and got drunk, binged the following day and binged 2 days after that.
    So, I really need to start again. Coming back on here makes me feel more accountable, otherwise I just tell myself it's ok.

    Been on a date with a girl i like last weekend, going out again this weekend, so I want to get it off to a good start.
     
  20. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Damn, I had done well until yesterday...
    Went out with that girl for a second date on Saturday. We both got quite drunk, kissed, but nothing further. Then I woke up with a hangover and unsurprisingly....... PMO binge, I think 4 times altogether. Hangovers are a definite trigger for me, as I'm too tired to do anything else, I'm escaping the depression that comes with a hangover and I just decide to say "f*** it, why not". Now today, with my more sober head on, it seems like a silly thing to do.

    I was tempted not to report this on here, but I'm glad I have as it makes me more accountable and stops me from just descending into another binge.

    Regarding this girl, she's great fun and is a nice person but I'm not 100% yet, and I'm guessing she isn't either. Need to go on a date that doesn't involve drinking, like the zoo or something.
     

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