Did have a relapse last week or so, because everything just felt too much that day. Only positive thing about it is, I watched vanilla stuff and not the disgusting fetish stuff. Currenlty I struggle with constant agitation/anxiety and it is very stressful. I cannot really pin it down to a specific reason, however it is somehow connected to the addiction. Anyhow, with these things usually the mind realizes after time there's no threat or I will not follow a specific addictive pattern and it will calm down eventually. This may take weeks/months unfortunately and puts me into a burnout sort of state. I'm back on nopmo and I'm staying away from activities that are unhealthy. Wondering if an antidepressant could help me with the agitation, however don't really want to take em.
I'm back on a 30 day streak of nofap. It has been quite easy this time around, because I'm currently pretty burned out, as my job has been quite stressful lately. Also might be due to lack of sunlight this time of year. I ordered vitamin d and hoping that it will help a bit. I will keep going.
Had a relapse after 2 months and the pictures still haunt me, but it is getting a bit better after 2 days. Overall my anxiety level is freaking high after it for no reason. That also affects my sleep as well. I will abstain from it to feel better again. Reason for relapse were mostly a lack of sleep after recontinuing work after the holidays.
Thanks Gil. Indeed actually I felt great for the most part, I didn't feel as stressed, I was kind of balanced. I'm really not used to be that way. Now at day 6 again.
Day 13 I'm in the mood for sex, not porn. So I count that as a good thing. However not easy finding a way to connect that way with my wife. We're both a bit stuck in our parents role.
I've been avoiding a difficult task at work for weeks now and the internal pressure is getting out of hand. My boss hasn't been able to give me a the format or how it should look like. It bothers me a lot now, but I will start NOW and give it my BEST.
Have been working most of the weekend on the presentations, now I'm just glad I'm finished with it. Will have to present in front of a bunch of people, so will need to prepare myself in the best possible way. I was very glad that due to covid I mostly have to present online, that is much more relaxed. At times being an introvert in more of a extrovert job, I from time to time get imposter syndrome, even though my results are better than most of the others.
Actually just had to hand it in for now and present something similar later in February. I made an appointment yesterday with my boss and got some feedback and now finally understand what he was looking for. Quite annoying to get it after the job is done, but also a relieve to now know what I should do.
Today I'm feeling pretty good, I'm a bit less worried. I spent most time with my family this weekend and doing small kind things for my wife, she appreciates it.
Met a friend yesterday to have some beer (not too much though). Did not sleep very well and I'm home alone today, so I have some intense cravings. I will give my best not to watch porn. If I have to do something I'll just fap.
Lack of sleep is tricky. It doesn't just make you uncomfortable, but it also affects your willpower. Did you manage to stay clean?
I try to priotize sleep, whenever I can. But it isn't easy with a kid. I didn't watch porn, but I MO'd, but that's not a big deal, as long I don't overdo it. For some reason only porn messes me up big time, not masturbation alone.
I recently realized that I have a pretty strong fear of public speaking / some social phobia. Generally I'm not comfortable being the center of attention. It is mainly related to my work life and not my private life. Presenting online is much less stressful for me than actually standing in a group of people. Now I actually have a choice to present in person or online and I will choose to do it in person, because if I avoid it now my fear will become too strong the next time. I guess I have to find ways to continously expose myself to the 'spotlight' to get used to it. What's also interesting is that I tend to sexualize high levels of anxiety, meaning I get strong urges as porn/sex would be a way to avoid those feelings.
presentation went great, boss & some others congratulated me afterwards. Room was full with senior executieves too. I even started to enjoy the interaction at some point, I'm very glad I didn't shy away from it. Everyone was supportive of the message I was bringing across. Now I'm kind of exhausted, but I'm content.
Glad that YBR is back on again. Currently my sleep is not that great and it increases my urges. Somehow I'm still trained to deal with negative feelings by sexualisation. Luckily it's been a while since I watched porn. However, I MO'd here and there, when I'm being very triggered for some reason. Sometimes when I have to get stuff done, it is a quicker way to get over it, at least for the moment, than to have to endure urges.
I need to find better reasons for myself to stay on nofap. When I used to be single and not married, I had a clear goal, but now reasons are a bit more abstract. I guess I need to actually do something new with the 'soberness' and not only use it to feel better or to maintain status quo.
Currently I'm at day 4 again and I'm feeling pretty anxious for no legitimate reason at all. Guess I just gotta accept it and stop fighting the feeling. Did a small workout in the morning and I don't have to work tomorrow.
I found out about Tension & Trauma release exercises. Have tried it twice now and felt pretty good afterwards, at least I can say it caused relaxation. Also I started cold showering and was able to breathe normally through it, no gasping.
