33, Live life to the fullest

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BackOnTrack, Dec 1, 2013.

  1. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    Hey folks,

    this is my journal of no PMO. I'm 24 years old, I am on day 16 now and I'm completely in flatline almost since the first days, but I must say I already reduced my porn consume to like 2-3 times a week from 2-3 times a day for some months, but I must say that didnt help much.

    I already notice some changes such as less depression, more confidence, less brainfog also things as I'm laughing way more before I was almost like an emotionless zombie but
    I also sometimes seem to get easier mad of things, I guess porn covered my feelings. I always 'admired' people who are passionate about things they do because I didn't seem
    to really care about anything, except maybe being REALLY fuckin' needy when it comes to some 'special' girls and that is why most of my recent relationship attempts failed, it all went well
    until the point where I couldn't take it anymore and I forced a descision of the girls even though I should've kept playing that stupid 'game of love'.
    Though I've had some relationships my longest were 2 1/2years and 1year, sex always seemed to be a struggle and as the time progressed it got worse.
    Now I finally know why and this is why I will stay strong and will SLAY THE F*CKING BEAST called porn.

    I never had ED but DE where in the end I had to fantasize about fetish porn to climax and most of the time my gf had to jerk me off after sex where I would just fantasize in order to climax.
    With my gf of 3 years that never seemed to be a problem she didn't mind, I didn't mind but after the breakup the next girl which I really fell for was totally put off that I couldn't climax and wasnt really focused on her than rather being focused on my thoughts. Well I tried so hard to please her that I couldn't fantasize and couldn't come and then jerking me off she did it with her hand reverse so that also didn't do it for me.

    Well kind of a problem right now is that I have a fuck buddy we didn't have sex since I started no PMO but I'm very sure that I'm not able to get an errection, actually I didn't have one since I started this!(except morning wood)
    When I was watching porn I never had problems to get a good errection (I didn't watch porn while sex), this is why right now it's like I have ED which is horrible for me.
    I don't really know what to tell the girl I'm fucking with, cause we used to have sex on like a 2 weekly basis and I went over for watching movies a week ago but I didn't start a move and she didn't either but somehow I was flirting like crazy with her. (I was kinda anxious cause I was pretty sure I wouldnt get an errection, luckily we didnt try)
    Well I might tell her I have a bladder infection next time she wants to meet that will buy me some time.
    Anybody else got an idea?

    Most of the days I have 100 percent morning wood but I feel no where near to recovery, since I don't get errections besides that, only a thingly feeling in my dick, but I seem to be more focused on females around me, being more subconciously aware of them which is a good thing, last night I also made a step up in my club game I actually managed to start a conversation with a girl, before I never had the balls to start one, though still I find it hard to find things to say to strangers, but that's just a practice thing! (I'm rather introverted to strangers)

    About my fap/porn history it all started with me masturbating in bed, fantasizing about women when I was like 8-10 (I don't really know the exact year). Then I moved to softcore magazines, more like sexual education with like 1 naked girl in it, then softcore movies on tv, then I discovered the porn on my older brother computer, mostly vanilla stuff, I couldn't watch it regulary but I did when he was gone. I even remember a female ejaculation scene, at first I was totally disgusted by it but then it turned me on even harder. Then I got like my own computer and thats where my porn consume skyrocketed to couple times a day, that was at the age of 15. For ages I mostly watched anal, a2m stuff but when I was 19 I 'discovered' Shemale porn, like before, I was at first completely disgusted but then I got completely hooked and other porn wouldn't have the same dopamin high anymore, even when I would climax to normal porn, I would still have the urge to watch Shemale porn right after. It still seems hard for me to believe that this fetish can be reversed, but if I can climax without tryharding with normal girls I am happy.

    If anybody is interested in like assisting each other on journals feel free to contact me!

    So long,
  2. sidney1990

    sidney1990 Guest

    im in a similar boat as you, in fact I also found shemale porn at around 19...before it was simply guy in girl solo girls, heels legs feet etc all the usual stuff..

    many many people are hooked to tranny, trap and Crossdresser porn....you're not alone..

    and its hugely common for straight guys to be turned on by shemale porn..
  3. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    Thanks for your post.

    Yeah I read that too that 'almost exclusively straight guys watch shemale porn'.
    That kinda calmed me, because there was a point where I actually thought being gay might be the problem
    and at that point I was boarderline suicidal, just because my whole life-plan of having kids and stuff were falling apart.
    Also I think TS are purely on a sexually basis of interest for me not emotionally.
    I can only fall for girls, I'm 100% sure of that.
  4. sidney1990

    sidney1990 Guest

    its just a category of porn that's very tricking to the mind, don't analyse it, its not worth it...

    don't listen to other people, just listen to yourself
  5. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    A year ago I visited a TS escort to find out if I'm actually into that or not. I didn't get a real answer.
    Thing is I could climax very easy, imo because it matched the things I watched in porn, but in the moment I didn't really enjoy it.
    Right after I felt was very depressed but when I arrived home the memories already were driving me crazy.
    It's very strange.
  6. sidney1990

    sidney1990 Guest

    theres sex and then there is unhealthy sex...
  7. Orbiter888

    Orbiter888 Member

    Seems to me from your description that you got a fairly clear one.

    I personally have no problem whatsoever with either trans people or the idea of people being into to them so there's no judgement here, but I have to say that reads more like some unhealthy compulsive behavior to me than any genuine attraction.
  8. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    I don't judge them in any way, it's just that with girls I seem to be able to be amazed by such simple things as smile, voice, character etc.
    I guess I will find out when my natural libido returns, it's just that it kind of stands in the way of me having kids and a normal family. ;)

    From now on I'll rather focus on how to improve my life in general terms than talking about sex in the past I think it's no-use.

    What I need to do is:
    * get a new job
    * start studying for the uni finals
    * get information on doing an abroad semester (I think this could be a real good thing for me, even though it scares me)

    DAY 16

    About my state of my mind right now I'm really down but that hasn't anything to do with nofap but because of a girl with whom I've been really close but I cancled the contact because she didn't want anything official and I couldn't take it. Well she lives 300km away and we met at the birthday party of a friend, shes his coworker but we didnt really talk much, because small talking after what happened just seemed stupid. later that night I saw her crying her heart out and it was because of us. But still she said she just misses our friendship, I just don't get it. But I must get past this.. I'm so fuckin down that I'm not able to think of anything sexual, it will boost my recovery.
  9. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    DAY 20:

    These days I'm feeling pretty shitty, after sleep I wake up tired, doesnt even matter how long I sleep. I get occasional headaches and am disorientated (had to look for my car for some time).
    Last night I had a wet dream about me watching TS porn.. Dear Brain, I've suffered enough in my life you will never ever get some AGAIN.
    Most of my dreams are real conscious.

    A good thing is that, get real positive vibes from talking to people, it's much more rewarding and I'm seeking it instead of being afraid of it.
  10. HyperhumanSonic

    HyperhumanSonic Bruce Lee fan.

    Do you have bad concentration and focus too?
  11. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    Yes it's kinda bad. It's hard to memorize things and I look for words a lot.
    When I'm at uni after a few hours I get extremely tired and exhausted.
    Also didn't have the power to workout, so I'm not going at the moment.
    I thought this was because I was little sick but now I'm sure it's my brain changing.
    A week ago though I had the most power at workout I ever had, its strange.
    I feel pretty positive after all, when I leave the house I often get a super good mood, generally when I'm around people.
    That's always the way I dreamt to be and I can't wait to find out what I will achieve socially.
  12. HyperhumanSonic

    HyperhumanSonic Bruce Lee fan.

    At least I'm not the only one, then. I've been thinking about getting put on some kind of pills for my concentration. Nothing seems to help me pay attention. But, anyways, that's good. Being around people does help a lot. Hmm, mind sharing some of your workout tips? Haha. I've been working out probably close to two years now. I'm still new at everything.
  13. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    Nah dude f*ck pills it will soon to be normal again, actually even much better than before.

    Hm Idk what you want to know so I just give you some random tips, ha:

    * eat ~2 hours before working out a lot of carbs (noodle,rice,potatoes..) -> huge energy boost
    * drink whey protein after working out (you can buy it online, i recommend the brand: optimum nutrition)
    * if you want to lose weight, do cardio (like walking) right after working out
    * get a trainingpartner for motivation, exerciseplan
    * train your legs aswell

    I just got an errection by thought of sex with my last girl, quite happy about that. Still not sure if I could perform with her.
  14. HyperhumanSonic

    HyperhumanSonic Bruce Lee fan.

    All right. Thanks for the tips. You did? That's awesome. Well, if not, I'm sure in time you'll be able to get it up.
  15. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    Day 22:

    My flatline is over for now im very reliefed! My dick doesn't feel dead anymore and looks bigger again. Also I'm feeling really horny when thinking of real life sex with girls or memories from the past of it.
    If I get a chance to have sex with weekend I'll def go for it. Right now it even feels like I will come in few seconds at doing it. If that happens ill just have another go later.
    I feel cured but I'm aware that it's very likely to be just a phase, but what the hell it's great.
  16. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    Day 23:

    Yesterday I went to a bar with a friend who knew like everyone there..
    I didn't but I had an awesome time having long conversations with people I just met., there hasnt been 1 second of awkward silence, I even was kind of the centre of attention.
    One of them was a cute girl when I woke up I already had the first msg from her on facebook ;).
  17. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    Day 25:

    Damn I'm way out of flatline and my urges are really extreme right now. too bad the ones for TS are still the strongest. I'm not longing for porn rather thoughts about visiting an escort.
    But I have to stay strong, 25 days just aren't enough yet and in no way I'm going to give away my benefits.
  18. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    Day 29:

    Today I didn't sleep well and I am hungover from a birthday party yesterday, so my mood is kinda bad.
    My urges towards pixels are really intensed now. I haven't watched porn but I when I'm for example in youtube and there are those thumbnail pics of some bikini chicks it completely shuts down my logical thinking. I'm also noticing that it's kind of hard for me to sit in front of computers in general, its like an alcoholic staring at an empty beer bottle.
    I really need to stop wasting time on my computer with pointless surfing and video gaming and start learning, maybe reading books. Already hitting the gym 3-4 times a week now.
  19. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    Day 30:

    My libido seems to be decreasing again.
    Also my confidence is kinda low and I feel depressed these days, but there might be a connection that I haven't smoke a cigarette in 2 days, thinking about stopping, everytime I feel bad or stressed I get the urge to smoke a cigarette and I feel like this behaviour isn't helping cause thats just running away. Gotta deal with it and be a man.
    At least I feel stronger when I'm hitting the gym.
  20. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    Day 32:

    Yup I'm back in flatline, some things that might have triggered it: fantasizing & forcing errections.
    I'm frustrated cause I feel very set back, but those urges on that days after flatline were so extreme: shaking hands, heart racing, heavy breathing & strong errections.

    So I havent smoked since 4 days and even though the urges to smoke arent strong, my confidence and mood is down.
    Also couldn't sleep yesterday. I try to compensate with working out and aiming to some gain muscles. I'm already in good shape but kinda skinny.

Share This Page