32 years old, recently divorced

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Toby, May 16, 2023.

  1. Toby

    Toby Member

    Day 34

    I moved to my new apartment today, I immediately felt a big calm when I moved in, like a big chunk of stress was let go of.

    I had written to a girl that I dated that I wasn't ready to start seeing someone yet, she replied today and asked me if I wanted to be fwb instead and just chill together. Tbh I got a bit hard from it, it felt so good to feel some sensations down there haha! I think this (moving to my new place) is the beginning of something great, a new chapter in my life
    1MoreLookAway likes this.
  2. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    Hey Toby like you yourself predicted in an earlier post, the calm will come once you moved. Congratulations on getting your own space once more, and a special well done for dealing with everything you faced, the lack of sleep, the stress of adjusting to your new life. Most men relapse, but not you, and for guys like us sometimes the danger isn't hard times, but times of ease. Use them to keep building bro.

    I just want to say, I'm proud of you for being truthful with the lady and telling her that you're not ready for a relationship. Most men would see that as an opportunity for the physical intimacy and complicate their lives when they're not ready, so well done man for doing what you thought was in your best interest. That takes a lot of mental strength and resilience, most of us are reared to think with the little mind, and hey no one's safe from that, myself too and I'm impressed that you set such sharp boundaries.

    Good gosh man I've barely been gone 10 days or so and you're making changes in huge leaps, it's like you've gone from midget>average>giant in a matter of days. I myself am learning a lot from you.

    I wish I could like this post a thousand times, it's your best one since you came imho. I'm eager to see what you'll be like a few months from now :cool::p I just like how calm and how much care of thought you're using.

    Keep it up :p:D ;)
  3. Toby

    Toby Member

    Thank you!! Tbh honest P hasn't even been a temptation, because I'm still in some kind of flatline. I can have sex, although the erection isn't as stable as it's usually is, it's good enough haha. But the time between it's quite dead, except for sometimes during night/morning. But I think now that I have my own space it might start to improve soon.

    Tbh, I wasn't truthful, I felt more that I didn't want to date more than one girl and instead of telling her I'm dating someone else I told her I'm not ready. I guess though it's not all untruthful, I don't feel all that ready, but also it feels good with the other girl and I want to keep dating her. It's like paradoxical feelings. I probably should've just told her but now what's done is done. I keep dating the latina girl I mentioned and I'd like to see where things are going.

    Hahaha I've gone from midget to giant?? What do you mean!?
    1MoreLookAway likes this.
  4. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    On all metrics you're improving, mentally getting sharper, physically too, your body is slowly but surely reawakening. Also it just generally seems that you're cultivating a life after porn, you have dates, you're in a new apartment.

    I think you've been a lot more truthful than you realise! I would call it being sincere, you knew that you didn't want to hurt the girls feelings so you were sincere in saying you didn't want, sensing most likely that she was wanting a relationship. So you actually showed a lot of compassion for this girl, you could easily have faked it, and that's a sign that your addict has had his reins loosened, and you're back in control. Most addicts if they had a lady who was interested in them almost always rush to get into a relationship. You didn't, you even made priorities! You said to yourself this lady is not for me, and I see something happening with the Latina woman so you made that informed decision in what you determined to be your own interest. Well done!!! This is what we all are working towards some way or another, we're all just trying to gain control, and I think you are discovering your power.

    The midget to a giant is probably a poor metaphor, but the idea was that you accomplished a lot, so much so that in many ways you became a giant, you have a better aerial vision. You have quite literally grown was the idea I was going for.

    Keep being the giant!! I resonate with your liking of Latinas, they're amazing women, they nurture their men in ways that are unique and they're so great at the little details.

    I have a feeling that so many adventures await you this summer ;):cool:

    Have a good one brother!

  5. Toby

    Toby Member

    Thanks! Maybe you're right, parts of it were sincere anyways!

    haha ok but yeah I understand what you mean, thanks a lot!! I feel I'm more and more coming back to myself!
  6. Toby

    Toby Member

    Day 45

    Still very little feeling and action in the lower regions during the everyday life. However I feel I'm more and more getting back to myself, a lot of stress is getting released and I'm getting calmer for each day. Started going to the gym this week and it has made a tremendous difference in how I feel, I'm happy and excited! I feel I'll be back completely soon!!

    I'm starting to think stress is something that can hold people in their flatlines for a long time, I'm hopeful now that my "flatline" will end soon. I'm saying "flatline" and not flatline because I'm still able to have sex, and I'm mentally I feel aroused by women, it's just that to get an erection I actually have to be with someone, and even then it's not as strong or "stable" as it usually is. My first flatline was very different, mentally sex was dead for my, I did not care
  7. Toby

    Toby Member

    Day 51

    I've lowered my coffee intake, I take one large cup in the morning thats it! And I've started to sleep much better. I'm rarely on social media, and once I actually open it I just feel "wtf is the point of this shit??" and I close it. I spend my evenings watching one episode of some good series and then I'm reading a book and meditate. I hope this will bring my libido up to speed soon so I can feel fully like myself again.
  8. Toby

    Toby Member

    Day 56

    This might just be the day where I can consider my flatline over. I've been having erections today and I really really crave sex, like a lot. If this is anything like the last time I was out of my flatline I might have to start M again, because I can't work otherwise, the challenge will be to keep P out of it. I'm motivated to not watch at least, but from what I read from others M can lead to P. Not sure how other handle when they feel horny and have a stubborn erection that won't simply go away?

    Anyways, I'm really happy to have my spontaneous erections back, even though they're a painfully awkward to have when you get them when you're among others (gladly it's not visible haha). Just took 56 f***ing days this time. I'm 100% sure stress was the factor that was holding my flatline back for so long, letting go of things that stressed me (dating to some extent, social media, video games) and start to focus on relaxing during the evening helped a lot. But of course also the fact that the divorce and selling the is now a thing of the past is the largest factor.
  9. Toby

    Toby Member

    Day 63

    Still feels very nice to have my libido back to normal! I have so much life energy at the moment, I never felt so alive!!

    Something I noticed though is that when I'm home alone and an arousal comes I start to think about watching porn. The good thing is that it's not my first thought, I crave sex first. It takes a while before my minds gets the idea to watch porn. So far I haven't fell for the temptation, and I don't want to. Some thoughts arises that maybe it won't be that bad to watch, me stressful period is over and I might not end up in a flatline this time. But I've resisted the thoughts so far!
  10. Toby

    Toby Member

    Day 65

    I'm working from home today, I felt aroused. I thought that I could maybe take a sneak peak at a porn page, and so I did. OF COURSE the first video I clicked was 100% perfectly in my taste, like the dream video. I felt amazed for a few seconds but closed the video and the browser and got back to working. However it's been very hard to work today, the arousal has been like a needle in the eye so I ended up M (without P) and it felt amazing. I really hope, like the last time I was in a flatline, that M can be an option in situations like this.

    Felt really good that I was able to turn down such a perfect video, but feels quite bad that I even opened the page.
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Well done for stopping the video. It might look like the most delicious cake, but it is nothing but black, pungent poison. Stay away from it.

    Be careful with the chaser effect of the MO. Especially after such a long time, it does mess up the physiological balance in your brain which can lead to strong cravings.

    Keep moving forward!
  12. Toby

    Toby Member

    Thank you!! It really looked like the tastiest cookie in the world haha! Glad today that I didn't continue wathcing.

    Tbh the chaser effect seems to be lacking for me, I guess I'm lucky. Last time I was out of my flatline and MO'd I didn't get any chaser effect either. But for me, going 5 days without O the pressure starts to build up, not sure how guys manage work with a complete no-fap routine. Anyways, I will be watchful and I only M if it's really needed.
    1MoreLookAway likes this.
  13. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    Hey Toby,

    With regards to peeking, I'd say MO is certainly preference.

    My problem in recovery was always that I'm an all or nothing person, that's a very bad trait that I concede is not conducive, so for example I'd have pmod instead of just MO. I would start by something as innocuous as Google searches, then p subs, then p, then pmo. And that can all happen within an hour. It's a real sleepwalk that's for sure. In retrospect, having got to where I am now, I'm certain had I not been so extremist and just MO'd it's better. Regardless, you're on the right track, you already noticed this. And of course man, if push comes to shove, MO is absolutely nothing like peeking/porn, it mimics the in-out of sex. Yes it also is an imitation too but definitely not the artificial high that video-to-video p offers. Just remember it's about progression and it's a marathon not a sprint. ;)

    our minds definitely like to rationalise peeking as innocuous but it's the same as p.

    Peeking= voyeurism. Porn= voyeurism + release. The nuance is minimal if any.

    You're doing well with so many days done, remember you must have already went through many ups and downs and still resisted using p. With regards to M, it depends on the person, if the person can phase it out over time, or even just maintain a healthy relationship one assumes that's fine. On the flip side, I've always wondered how people can really MO without fantasy, as at least in my own mind it's a struggle for me, and I say only me as by the looks of it, there are some who can do this. I do think though after achieving 60+ days in theory at least, it will be more easier to separate from pmo.

    In any case Toby, continue with your approach of studying what works, you've already had a lot of success and I have total confidence in you. ;)
  14. Toby

    Toby Member

    Yeah I've always been an all or nothing kind of person, MO without P has never been an option. Now however, when I really have to, I MO but I do it with style hahaha!! Call it the serene fap Put on some music, use some nice oil as lubricant, you know the deal haha! It actually works to not feel that I need P. And tbh I don't mind sexual fantasies, I feel I've rerouted my brain enough now so my fantasy is more directed towards real sexual experiences/partners. I think it could be worse to have a P fantasy? Also I can sometime M with just focusing on the feeling. I think this can be learnt as well with mindful M, there's actually an article about it on yourbrainonporn:

    As always, thanks man!!
  15. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    Looool, the serene fap, well I'm not sure there's a better name for it than that. Maybe some elevator music to disrupt fantasy hehe.

    Thanks for the link, yes I've read this one and yet I still get surprised that people can do this, talk about superpowers. If it works for you, by all means MO is not novelty and as long as you're focused on real experiences I actually can't see any issues with that. I guess now I've come to the view, that the only super stimulus is p.

    You're doing well man, you're clean and 'serene'. ;) I think the phrase nofap sounds puritanical and makes MO sound equally as bad as pmo, whereas it's absolutely not at all, it ought to be noporn. MO can be gradually phased out, or even practiced healthily.

    Keep going there's still so much to achieve before the year is out :cool:
    Toby likes this.
  16. Toby

    Toby Member

    Hahah yeah! But what would you say is the problem with fantasy? Is it that you're fantasising about porn? Personally I see nothing wrong if it's about real sex, but maybe that's just me.

    Yeah nofap is a bit hard for me, no porn is better. I'll MO with good conscious if the need comes lol :)
  17. Toby

    Toby Member

    Day 82:

    Starting to get a lot of days now, that feels good!! I've had some bad sleep this week, and perhaps been a bit overstimulated with social media as week. I've felt nothing in the lower parts this week, no spontaneous erections or anything. I feel good mentally however so I'm really not worried, I suppose everything would work fine if I needed to perform sort to say :)
    I met a girl in the club two weeks ago, met her again a week ago when I was out. I'm gonna meet up with her tomorrow, fingers crossed that everything goes well, we have a really good connection and talking to her feels like the most natural thing
  18. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    Just passing by to wish you a happy 3 months clean!!! I hope it's the start of a new way of life. ;):cool::cool: Reading what you've written I am convinced that things from here will only continue to improve.

    Happy celebrations!!!
  19. Toby

    Toby Member

    Fuuuuck, so close to gett 100 days!! The day before yesterday I fell, and then yesterday I fell again. Today I was close again, I opened a P site and super superaroused, but I managed to close it, focused my mindset on "I don't want this to be the way I experience sex, I want to be there in real life!". However being that aroused I had to MO later on. I don't think it has set me in any flatline, but I'm a bit disappointed not reaching 100 days!!
    My problem is staying away from P when life is good, because now my libido is high and I think about sex a lot!! During the weeks I have my daughter I don't see any girls, no dates!! And I won't bring any girl home after my daughter falls a sleep either, it just feels wrong, so keeping away from P is difficult, and I want to keep MO at minimum.

    Anyways, I have a few dates planned for the week. I hope my energy is still at top because I've been feeling amazing lately!!
  20. Toby

    Toby Member

    Ugh, I've noticed that an old habit is creeping up on me, to just spontaneously just open a porn page and "just look" without me even being horny. I resist it but I can feel the pull. This is so not needed lol, but also interesting to see how old leaned behaviours just "pop up" again after such a long time just by falling 1-2 times

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