32 years old, recently divorced

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Toby, May 16, 2023.

  1. Toby

    Toby Member

    so figured I'm gonna starta journal here to get and give support. I got a divorce in the beginning of the year, it had nothing to do with porn or anything like that, there just wasn't any attraction anymore. We're still good friends though. Anyway, something I noticed at the end of our marriage was that it got more difficult for me to orgasm during sex. Since we got divorced I've had sex with three other women and I've had a really hard time coming. With one I didn't come at all, two I slept with several times and only came once each. The last one I came with once after she grinded me pretty hard, but penetration was impossible.
    Every time it felt so embarrassing. Then I discovered yourbrainonporn.com, and some other videos on youtube with some neuroscientists explaining what porn does to you brain. I realised I have to cut porn and masturbation out of my life until I "heal".

    I've never been so motivated though to quit porn, sleeping with beautiful women and not be able to come was a real eye opener for me!

    I've watched porn since early teenage years, if not since twelve. I've been addicted to it since, in various levels of course. Last year it's been more intense though, and the pandemic before that was also not good for me. Last autumn I was really stressed so my porn addiction got worse as well, since porn has always been my stress relief.

    I'm now on day 15 without porn and without masturbation. I've had a complete flatline since a while now and I REALLY miss feeling that arousal. I think I could sense a hint of it today but I try not to make anything of it, don't want to get my hopes up. I really miss watching porn, but I think I can never return to it, why would I? Maybe in the future I can masturbate occasionally but porn is way to risky! I really really really miss it though, but tbh, what a lousy thing to do, to watch porn, right!?

    I know some of you have been in this FAR longer than I have and that's really inspiring (and sometimes a bit freighting tbh) to read all of your stories.
    Newwaynewlife likes this.
  2. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    Hey Toby

    Welcome to the forum! Although I've never had PIED or delayed ejaculation, I'd imagine from the scores of others, that it is frustrating. I think you crave the orgasm high not the porn itself and the dopamine that comes from flicking from one vid to another, again in pursuit of the O.

    My taste in P was pretty vanilla, my danger was the compulsion, but if someone like me can go 3 months clean, despite m'ing an ungodly amount of times at my peak addiction, you certainly can get clean. I've seen people addicted to extreme p, and they've conquered this addiction. The first week will be the hardest, so fight it with a lot of activity, deplete your body's energy, organise your time, develop good sleep and try to balance caffeine intake

    I feel the 'miss' might be the relationship we developed with it, a lot of us usually have our go-to actresses, it's a distorted relationship for sure. Having a harem never satiates, in the same way a buffet teases our appetites and once satiated we need to wait to go again.

    I'd recommend commenting and reading journals, commenting I've always seen like an affirmation and it takes us out of our own heads. Reading, particularly the most has helped me, to prepare better.

    A few journals I'd recommend, from guys who beat this:



    Best of luck to you!
  3. Toby

    Toby Member

    Thank you!!
    As you my taste in porn has always been vanilla. I thought, tbh, the first week was quite easy due to flatline, now I'm in week three and it's getting harder. Arousal is seemingly on the way back and the urge to satisfy myself is getting more intense. But like you say it's the O I crave badly. I really want sex but as a single I have to work for it, which is completely natural and as it should be, just have to get out more, and I have quite a lot to do now with selling a house. I really miss P but feel I could "settle" for M, but I'm resisting it as well as I can atm. Feels good to start feeling some arousal again though.

    Texted with a girl yesterday, not close at all to sexting, but just talking and some flirting, could definitely feel the arousal and even some erection. I think all in all I'm getting better.
  4. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    As you keep going it will seem ironic to you that you ever preferred pixels to the human experience you have, it provokes a nostalgia for the time used. You'll start missing things, and making sure you never miss a thing again.

    I think the last paragraph is a massive victory, that's part of the rewiring too, being able to feel without the crazy stimulation of p. Well done man! I'm very happy for you, there's plenty more that awaits you.

    Keep having fun
  5. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    I've had that too DE (Delayed ejaculation), it was due to desentization from porn, after reboot 90 days that is completely fixed.
    Besides that when sleeping with someone new, I've sometimes had performance anxiety at the beginning. It helped for me starting slow first (cunnilingus) and also don't start with missionary but from behind, it is a WAY easier when not someone is looking at you expectingly while you start. Also if you never used a condom with your wife and now do. When I was watching porn it was almost impossible for me to come with a condom. Now also that is no problem.
  6. Toby

    Toby Member

    Nice to hear, thank you for your replies it really gives my much hope!!

    My d is actually really sensitive now I don't know what to do haha! Libido is back for sure! I actually m'ed the other day, not with the death grip, but with extremely gentle touch, and that was enough to O. Not sure if it was good or bad, but what's done is done. I'll keep going this way, try to stay away all together from P but not sure what to do with M when I can go through an entire day with that level of sensitivity down there, it's really hard not to (and not sure if I should, but limited amount for sure, open for input here). Looking forward when I find someone anyway to start exploring sex with again, but I have WAY to much on my plate at the moment to start going on dates (selling a house, moving and so on)
  7. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    From what I read, you're doing well. Obviously p is the superstimulus any of us should be quitting. As long as you are quitting p, I think M will fade away. I'd only advise try to space out the M's, 2 days apart then 3 and 1 week, and so forth. Of course, I'd figure that by pacing yourself, there's absolutely zero temptation for p. Thats the biggest victory, the one over M will come in time (pun unintended).
  8. Toby

    Toby Member

    Good to hear! I wouldn't say I have zero temptation for P, the idea of watching P is still very attractive (and memories from some videos pop up sometimes that makes the temptation come), but I feel the motivation to not look is so big that I have no problem with avoiding it so far. M is harder though, but as you sat the victory will come in time (you can get lots of puns here haha)
  9. Toby

    Toby Member

    Texted with a girl last Friday, she sent me some hot pictures of herself. I couldn't help but M'ing to them. It felt nice and all but my libido has been down again. It's not as low as it used to but still very low. I was out dancing on Saturday and even though there were some good looking girls there I didn't care much. It wasn't until when it was time to go home that I felt my libido starting to come.
    I'm not to worried, I'm back to more strickter no-fap scheme again but I'm curious about why my libido went down so hard again? Was it because I M'ed to pictures, or that I M'ed at all? I haven't M'ed everyday, it's been 2-3 days in between at least, but maybe that's to much?
  10. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    I also find it impossible to say no hot pics that girls would send me.
    I mean it is just too exciting to pass up on.
    I did gave up porn but that led me to use dating apps way too much because there I had the excuse to MO to pics or have fast sex.
    For me that that eventually led me to sex addiction after a few years, in hindsight it would've been much better if I didnt fuck around so long after noPMO and went for a relationship much sooner. ;-)
  11. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    Welcome back Toby, as @BackOnTrack is saying, we're right there with you, pics and vids are both dark alleyways. You'll find the addict's voice saying oh but it's not quite porn. As always it seems to end in m, and it's still pixels on a screen. I don't think it's a pmo, nor do I think that should matter, it's just a useful learning curve.

    For me it was a slip I made a tonnneeeeee of times before I started cutting it out. My ex got quite peeved with me, because I'd ask for it, and then always cancel receiving it last minute. My behaviour was flakey, between knowing I shouldn't do it, but as B.O.T said that curiosity always lingers.

    Another slippery slope for me was like 2 very common social media sites, I would say anything pixelated can go, but remember it draws emphasis back to presence. If that lady is willing to give pics or whatever, then clearly she's already very into you, better to live that experience.

    With regards to M, I'd say so long as you've seen a reduction, zero issues there. Once every two to three days is better than most males. I would even say it's beneficial because I for sure was terrible with M frequency, and that you can do it once and not feel the impulse from the chaser effect to do it multiple times a day is impressive.

    I believe you're building up a lot of mental resilience with your approach and soon you'll gradually cut it out altogether. I'm glad you're enjoying texting again, being awake to these subtle cues is a great confirmation you're getting grounded in the path towards healing.
  12. Toby

    Toby Member

    Interesting! I feel it's quite difficult though to be single, not look at P, limit M and not have sex, feels like dating and have casual sex would make life a bit more manageable at this point

    Yeah the idea of a girl sending the pics to me was to much to resist! The problem with this girl in particular is that she lives 10.000km away from me so it's a bit hard to meet her for real, otherwise I would've of course!! I usually don't talk to girls living far away, but we happen to match on tinder and things got interesting

    What I find difficult to interpret with my libido atm is that I used to ALWAYS be horny, so the lack of that chaser effect also confuses me. Seeing a hot girl these days might turn me on but it's far from all of the time. But like you say I'm building up something healthy and I try not to rush things
  13. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    Your libido makes sense lol, it changes as we change our habits.

    Long distance is definitely a killer, I feel you there, the ladies I received images from were also far away on a different continent. They were my partners, but that doesn't matter either/or, the brain just sees racy pixels= porn. The mind used the gf thing as an excuse to put me in submission hold. The neuropathways we left dormant through abstention get reactivated. Then Fantasy, then pmo.

    Perhaps a more tame pic of a lady in a dress would cause fascination w/o arousal. It's fine, if not necessary to drink water in a Sahara, but it's self-abuse to drink Coca-Cola or coffee

    I hope you make time for the local ladies ;)
  14. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    Yeah I absolutely loved it had plenty of sex and multiple girls at the same time.
    I just liked it so much that I started to crave it worse than porn and it consumed my entire attention.
    It stood in the way of having a family too because eventually I was only thinking about quick sex instead of dating wife material girls.
    I don't think it will be like that for most people and I think it took 1-2 years to get to that point, in the beginning it was not an issue.
  15. Toby

    Toby Member

    Yeah libido is back again, even M'ed yesterday, but made it like a "quality time with myself"-kind of thing instead of a quick jerkoff Still feel libido is normal today so feels like I'm on track!! Feels like I'm starting to find some balance now in this area.

    I will make time for local girls, but there's so much going on atm, just sold my house and some other stuff that's taken time. On Tuesday however I'm actually going on a date!! So fingers crossed haha!

    Aaah I see, thank you for the warning. I'll try to keep that in mind for sure!! I will try to prio other things as well besides dating to not end up there.
  16. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    Roooooffffffffllllllll "quality time with myself. I was dying from laughter, that's I guess one way to look at it.

  17. Toby

    Toby Member

    hahaha Self love at it's best

    Looks like it got postponed though haha, just my luck ‍♂️ Let's see if I manage to book something else ;) Thx for the support
  18. Toby

    Toby Member

    Been on just a few dates now (3), 2 lead to kissing and 1 lead to sex. Arousal and attraction functions as normal now! Just a bit to well though Now I have something to work with I guess, used to be able to control exactly when to come, but it went so fast now I almost felt embarrassed. Didn't give up on her though, made sure she came as well ;)
    BackOnTrack likes this.
  19. Toby

    Toby Member

    Yesterday I fell for the temptation. I was home, hungover. I M'd in the morning and then watched P twice later that day. I was very proud of myself to have gone over 2 months without porn but now I'm starting over again. I really hope this doesn't lead to any flatline or anything. I still miss porn emotionally, but it's not worth it, I want to be done with it. I feel if I don't "confess" somewhere, it will grow back to a new habit again.
  20. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    I know from experience it is much more difficult to resist porn once you started to MO again.
    You seem to be doing fine in the dating world, so you don't need porn. ;-)
    Relapsing from time to time isn't as bad as watching porn every day, it shouldn't cause ED/DE.

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