31 year old addict (fetishes, gaming and weed)

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by globalelite, Dec 31, 2015.

  1. globalelite

    globalelite Member

    I'm a porn addict who has been PMOing since I was 13, it started with pictures, then escalated to videos when I was about 17. I convinced myself I needed it to go to sleep, so at least 10 years or so of nightly sessions pretty much. Did it like it was going out of style whilst at uni, had a couple of girlfriends, longest relationship was 3 years but I would still use. I definitely had DE during sex, it would take my at least 30 mins to orgasm which only happened every other time or so. I convinced myself I was some tantric love god, but really I just wasn't as excited as I should have been.

    When we split up my use increased even more and started to look for more novelty to get the same "hit" as I used to. Definite signs of sensitisation which was then furthered as I developed a fetish for a certain flavour of porn. The last 5 years I have existed in a brain fog of weed, gaming and porn. My fetish reached a level whereby I'd start to only really get off watching 'hypno' fast cuts and subliminal messages, whilst mindless searching on adult dating sights for the "perfect" woman to be with. So serious amounts of dopamine released with me obsessing about my fetish, I could build up quite the dopamine bomb following my pathways.

    I believe my brain fog is a result of a mix of the above, I am ashamed because I came across this information a few years ago and have since only been porn free for a couple of months at a time. I am most certainly an addict and I want to use this profile as a way to finally make my dependence on porn a thing of the past. Thankfully my use has definitely decreased in the last year or so, but I have still returned to the "strong" hypno files and mindless adult dating browsing at times. That said I have already started to become less like the brainfogged zombie I became, but I know I will only be fully healed with a long cessation from exposure.

    I will still allow myself to indulge in weed and gaming at times (though not to excess like the past as I believe overexposure to both of these elements contributed to my brainfog), but I will have to be mindful because both these activities often lead me to fapping. My first target is to make it to 3 months for the first time since I was probably a teenager, I intend to use my time far more wisely and actively better myself rather than indulging in mindless browsing because I know I have the potential to be so much more than I am.
     
  2. vivalasvegas

    vivalasvegas Member

    Hey globalelite

    I'm a fetish addict in recovery myself

    Totally relate when you talk of 'being ashamed because you came across this information years ago'. I've been on and off of P after I had the realization of what was causing my brain fog and learning about rebooting 2.5 years ago.

    The answer for a happy, fulfilled, peaceful life means forever being P free but me knowing that and not using it are very different things to my addict mind.

    I do know though that we will win if we keep keepin on

    Wish you the best on your journey

    Keep us posted on your progress
     
  3. Hey Globalelite,

    I think I am pretty much the same situation as you. I started at the same age, used it as a way to get to sleep and at uni I got more and more addicted. I think started as young as I did has made this habit become an addiction. I know youre not asking for advice but what has helped in the past get to like a 100 days - is replacing the porn urge everytime it pops up with simply going on this forum instead/ contributing or simply reading peoples stories.
    Goodluck on your pmo journey..
     
  4. globalelite

    globalelite Member

    Well things are going well, sort of. I'm staying in the same room as four 19 year old girls, what sucks is that I'm in flatline...
     
  5. Focus on the long run. Well done for keeping it up
     
  6. globalelite

    globalelite Member

    I've not been counting days but I started my reboot a few days before New Year. I do feel my attitude is shifting, I'm not fapping out of boredom or to manage my emotions. I think my problems stem deeper than simply pornography addiction, it contributes to it but I think I am guilty of objectifying women. I don't want to see and interact women simply as potential hookups, and my previous post is evidence of such an attitude. That said I'd very much like to get back to the point where women can arouse me like they used to.
     
  7. globalelite

    globalelite Member

    I slipped back into bad habits yesterday, mindlessly browsing adult sites for hours looking for my own 'perfect' twisted angel. I didn't PMO but IMO this behaviour is actually more damaging as I experience a rush that doesn't have an end.
     
  8. I relapsed recently as well. It feels shit. But lets try and push through again.
     
  9. globalelite

    globalelite Member

    I think the times of me regulating my moods with PMO are at an end, I've managed some good streaks this year but the next step is to make it to 90 days.
     
  10. globalelite

    globalelite Member

    Onwards and upwards is my direction and I recognise my porn use as more of a symptom than a cause of my troubles. But it is a symptom that causes dysfunction in my sexuality that I cannot accept. I am more determined now than ever and see the "cure" as a much larger than simply not watching porn. Only by changing my entire life will I adequately heal.

    Still not made it to 90 days, but my use has declined a lot. I believe I have made a lot of progress this year, I am fitter both mentally and physically but I've still relapsed at low moments. Self improvement is the name of the game and I know that I am capable of moving forward, rather than spiraling down into my escapist fantasies that have held me back for far too long.
     
  11. globalelite

    globalelite Member

    I went on a date last night, I enjoyed myself but I didn't feel "aroused" by her beauty. The experience reaffirmed my determination to beat my issues, I want to recapture the feeling of being spellbound by a woman's presence which I haven't felt in far too long.
     
  12. vivalasvegas

    vivalasvegas Member

    Wow reading this rings so true for me it almost hurt me a bit when i read it.

    This is the key for me , just getting clearer and clearer about it as I get more honest with myself and real about my life. I wish you the best of luck on creating a life you love (in all areas) as that is my mission too.

    I hear you on trying to get a 90 day streak, I have never made it past 60 days in almost 3 years but that does not dissuade me from continuing on this path to porn-free victory.

    I feel you on the ''aroused by her beauty'' comment too , I recently had this thought too as I'm on this porn addict app on my iphone called "Brainbuddy' and the question came up, 'am I arroused by real life women' and the thought occurred to me - you know I'm really not - Got pretty scared at that realization but I think it will come back , we just got to keep keeping on.

    Keep kicking ass bro , I enjoy reading your stuff , keep posting
     
  13. globalelite

    globalelite Member

    Damn, almost a year since I last posted here, things have been up and down. I had a one night stand whilst travelling and couldn't get it up, very embarrassing! I still haven't made it to 90 days, my life has been a bit uncertain and I think I've gone back to the porn at times to 'de-stress' but the content I view fills me with anxiety and makes me depressed, it's totally stupid but it's a hard habit to break. With that said I feel a new wave of determination to beat this.

    I think part of my problem is that I've allowed myself to feel powerless, I've not felt master of my own destiny which is crazy as I've got a lot going for me. Part of my issue is depression but 'self-medicating' by using porn is an extremely short term fix, in fact it is no fix at all and only makes things worse. Still, my reward system has been rewired so in those moments during use I feel great. I can then enter spirals of seeking, edging and fapping. Hours can disappear as I engage in what is simply self destructive behaviour, but it feels so good in the moment, the rush can be exquisite, but of course it is hollow. I can then chase the same high, again and again, failing all the time, seeking more and more, but nothing really satisfies.

    It's time to embody the positive attributes I know I have, relapse is no longer an option, I am sick of the stench of self induced failure. Making excuses, externalising responsibility, this is MY life and it is time to live it to the maximum.
     
  14. globalelite

    globalelite Member

    When I think about it, it really is scary how powerful porn is. It basically short-circuits your natural drives and tricks your brain into thinking you are fulfilling your evolutionary imperative. Early in this behaviour there isn't a terrible cost, it simply seems like free pleasure (YAY HEDONISM) but over time the cost is deadening of reward circuitry. I'm thankfully no longer at rock bottom in regard to this behaviour as an active 'addiction', I don't PMO as a way to 'escape' any more which was akin to a drug addict. I've had successful sex but I am far from being completely healed, I still find myself falling into the cycle of PMO. Being trapped in this cycle means I lack the drive to pursue women as I should, I've conditioned my reward centre over 20 years to get something from nothing. Why would I approach or interact with women when that contains a cost/risk when I can simply deal with my 'urges' through PMO? It's a catch 22 that I can only escape if I cease the cycle, but I only want to approach women if I'm out of the cycle and I need to be out of the cycle to approach women!

    I'm not starting from scratch but the first objective is a PMO free July.
     
  15. Striveforpurity

    Striveforpurity All praise and glory to our Lord Jesus Christ.

    Hi globalelite.

    I'm gonna tell you some things your probably not gonna like.

    Weed is a crutch and a cop out to dealing with life (I know this as I smoked it for 10 years).

    Gaming is a waste of time.

    Fetishes are a symptom of having too much time on your hands.

    Weed and porn combined is a double dose of dopamine which can lead to dopamine deficiency = brain fog.
     
  16. globalelite

    globalelite Member

    You're not really telling me anything I don't know or haven't already stated. I agree weed can be a crutch, but it can also just be something you enjoy on occasion, which is how I view alcohol as well. I was a chronic user (pun ;)) but no longer.

    Gaming is a tricky one, I also go through periods where I game to excess and I imagine it has a similar effect of overstimulating my brain. I have massively cut down on this behaviour, I don't view it as an addiction but I agree it's mostly a waste of time.

    Maybe I'm in denial, as when I do use weed and game it invariably leads to PMO. I need to fill my life with more meaningful experiences, but the problem is it's another catch 22. If nothing is happening I end up gaming/smoking/fapping, which in turn leads me to be demotivated to actually make something happen. It's a sad cycle that I need to change.
     
  17. Striveforpurity

    Striveforpurity All praise and glory to our Lord Jesus Christ.

    Set life goals for yourself and make something happen then. ;)

    Also you need to find ways to socialize with people that you share similar interests with. Isolation will lead to depresion which will increase the chance of you turning to porn.

    Weed + porn is you self-medicating. I suggest that if you really want to have a chance of breaking the porn addiction that you give up the weed.

    Sacrifices must be made if you wish to improve your situation, nothing in life is free.
     
    chrism likes this.
  18. globalelite

    globalelite Member

    Well the last few months have been up and down, I think depression got the better of me and I ended up indulging in my triumvirate of fetishes, gaming and weed to 'deal' with it. 10 days ago I ran out of weed and rather than get more I felt a new burst of life, well I've now got a 10 days PMO free streak going. Obviously my 'new wave of determination' didn't last from June but I'm aiming for no relapses again this year which would take me past 90 days for the first time!
     

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