Hello my good bretheren! I have decided to get back into the swing of things. Thus far, I have gone one day without looking at porn, and I want to continue moving forward. I have had, let's say, a VERY bad addiction to camgirls. It has not gotten any better, but I am NOT going to give up. I am NOT too far gone to be saved. I only have one life to live, and the clock is ticking. Today, I went and got some food, and then watched some sports, then took a brief nap. Any help is appreciated in order to keep momentum and not to get discouraged if I do slip up.
Day 2: Even though the day is technically only three hours old, as I have been awake from 9am, I've reached my second day without looking at porn. Last night, I set up some filters to stop myself from indulging in porn, but I'm gonna remain vigilant because even though I've set filters up in the past, I've always found a way to get around them. They say the best defense is a good offense. I went on a walk for a little bit to clear my head, and it helps that it's a sunny day. Gonna go hang with some peeps later on after I get off work, and keep doing my research about how I can keep myself from falling into porn. For those of you out there, stay strong. You can do this.
Recap of Remainder of Day 2: Went to do some fantasy football stuff after work, which kept my mind occupied. Passed out not too long after I got back to my place. No urges to look at porn or masturbate. Day 3: Been up for at least two hours, but have had no urges to report as of now. Planning on going for a walk during my lunch break and after work before the sun sets. Pray for me as Day 3 is usually when my reptilian brain and urges take over.
Good job. Find something to focus on and keep busy but not overwhelm. When we have too much time, we naturally want to distract ourselves. So good you’re going for a simple walk. Even it’s a boring thing, it does compound and clear the mind in a subtle way. PMO is like drinking beer. You get the immediate effects for a few seconds or minutes. But it carries over the following day, there’s no benefit. But a downhill spiral. I’m not FOMO on these activities as the carry over sucks by being unfocused and become a complete slob.
@WapNoMore Thank you for the advice! Speaking of which, yesterday, I went to go see the Gran Turismo movie (made it RIGHT as the movie started). Was very solid (8/10). From there, I watched some baseball, and ended up falling asleep. Planning on going on another walk around the neighborhood. Strange thing is that it's gonna be brisk out today, but next week is gonna be a scorcher (gotta love global warming amirite?). One thing that I want to focus on for next week is being less dependent on my laptop (outside of my side gig). Onward to Day 4!
Recap of Day 4: Didn't end up walking around my neighborhood, as it was cold outside, but I did manage to keep my mind occupied on my lunch break. Went to go grab a light dinner, and then watched wrestling until I fell asleep. Each of the past few days, I've gone to bed at around 11pm and woke up around 7-7:30pm. My guess is that I'm getting a better night's sleep because I've been staying away from PMO. Onward to Day 5!
Day 5: Had a brief wave of temptation today, but the thing that set me back to reality is that I did not want to undo the progress that I've made to this date. Gonna just watch college football tonight and stay off my laptop to avoid temptation. Gotta take things one day at a time.
Recap of Day 5: Work was SLOW. PAINFULLY SLOW yesterday. And I work remote part time, and that's when an urge hit me. But I realized why I started this journey in the first place and the consequences if I was to fall back into my old habits. Old habits die hard and I'm trying to open new doors. Finished the night watching college football, then woke up this morning and went grocery shopping. IF memory serves me right, this will be my longest streak in a while. Onward to Day 6!
Day 6: Made it through the majority of the day, but did end up looking up some stuff last night. Since I didn't want to experience a sapping of energy, I decided not to go full blown O, so I went to bed, as I had already been up late enough as it is. Day 7: I have to somehow get my spending habits in order. Did end up lapsing, but managed not to O, as, like I stated the day before, didn't want to face that loss of energy that comes when you M to O. I remember times when I would M to O, and then nap for three/four hours at a time. Want to avoid falling down that rabbit hole. Did end up going out a couple of times to eat and watch college football, so it wasn't a total loss. One of the lessons is that I have to put myself out there more amongst my age range of people. That would help me in the long run, instead of running to P as a fall back. Gotta get back on the horse and keep things going. Not going to give up on myself, just gotta strategize so that I don't run into these types of problems down the line. Also, it was the first time I'd made it through a Friday morning and afternoon without spending on P, so that's a huge plus in the right direction. Definitely want to keep that streak going.
Well, after 9 days of going without masturbation, I ended up having a relapse. Back to the drawing board for me. Two of my triggers: -Staying up super late left the door open to temptation to grab me by its claws and not let go. Although I was successfully able to not O Saturday or Sunday, it was only a matter of time before it happened. -Not being out with people more. I did take a handful of strides forward, but I have to try to put myself MORE out there, as I left the door open to sin thinking that it wasn't bad. Big. Fucking. Mistake. What to do in the future: -Get out there on the weekends and surround myself with people, whether going to the bars or a restaurant, or trying to do some sort of hangout. Since it's fall, and the weather is super nice more or less, there is not much of an excuse. -My blocker that I have set up is nice, but it's only a temporary solution to a really bad problem that I have -Another step that I want to move forward in is going to an SAA meeting. I think that will help with my hypersexual feelings that I've been dealing with. Like I said, gonna keep journaling here, so that you guys can follow along with my journey.
Day 1: For some reason, I got hit with a minor urge to look at porn, but I was able to survive it. I've noticed that urges hit even after I've PMOed. Another lesson to the wise is to never spend money when you are horny. Trust me. It is NOT worth it. One of the major side effects of porn usage besides a drained bank account is drowsiness. It didn't hit me too hard tonight, because I set an alarm to wake up at a reasonable time, but it can and will be a pain in the ass if you let it. Now, I have nowhere to go but up. As the old saying goes, if you can look up, you can get up. Other than that, the day was pretty solid. Was slow like usual, but was in the office (gonna be hybrid for the time being from this point forward). Every single day is a lesson. Tomorrow, planning on working, and then taking a step forward and attending an SAA meeting. If I REALLY want to beat this (no pun intended), I have to take some steps forward in my life. I'm gonna give myself grace if I do slip up, but I want to be more accountable.
Day 2: Work has been really slow as of late. Did eat a good lunch, but had to sit through a boring-ass meeting in the office today. Other than that, the day went okay. No complaints at all. I did attend an SAA meeting. Learned about the 12 steps and the 12 traditions. Was the first SAA meeting I've attended in my life. Gonna do some reading tonight, and over the week to see how I can get to the root of my porn addiction. Without giving away too much, I learned a lot from some of the people who are also in the struggle as well as myself.
