30 year old. My story thus far.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Wals, Nov 5, 2017.

  1. Wals

    Wals New Member

    Hey everyone. I'm a Canadian ex-pat in Germany, looking for some help.
    It's been awhile since I've reached out on any forum. I had a bad slip the other day that took me right back to how I felt during the dark days and realized that I am not indestructible (as much as I'd like to think so) and if I can stop myself from falling back into this useless habit and destroying my life and potential, than I'd better be here.

    The worst of my addiction was between the years of 23 and 26. While I'd been using porn for a long time, since I was 15 or 16, it took a horrible turn for the worse in my early 20s. My hair started thinning, and I immediately catastrophized my entire future - "No woman will ever want me again, I'm revolting, what's even the point in having a sex drive". Porn became a means to medicate sexual (and emotional) feeling out of me. I'd be going 4-6 times a day, well past the point of even having an erection or a glimmer of sexual desire. Acting out was always accompanied by a deep self disgust, which only deepened as I found my way to darker, more cruel material that was completely at odds with my personal values and the way I thought women should be treated (at that point, most of my friends were still women).
    The shame I felt effected me down to my ability to even balance myself or open doors. Eye contact was agony with virtually anyone, much less an attractive woman (the thought was 'just today I watched 10 women who look like you get treated like garbage, I'm as evil as those men and have to stay away from you')

    As you can imagine, sex was impossible. 7 women in 3 years - each time not a glimmer of a hard on from me. It's like I couldn't remember HOW to want a person.

    Finally I got treatment at 26. I joined Candeo Behaviour Change and, to be honest, had some stellar results for 8 months. I lived those principles day and night. I filled about 8 journals. Became obsessive with FRC scripts.
    Finally I found myself with a woman I was VERY attracted to, emotionally and physically. The sex we had was unlike anything I've experienced in my life, because I honestly never thought I'd be able to again. It was beautiful and passionate and real for a good 8 months, but unfortunately, she had problems of her own with sexual anorexia/acting out. After ANOTHER 8 months of her not responding to any advance I made on her, no matter how slight, she cheated on me at a party with a friend of mine. I broke up with her, which was incredibly messy. I spent a long time hating her, and more so, hating MYSELF for putting myself through recovery, making myself vulnerable, only to have someone shit in my heart. It's immature, I realize, and short sighted – this person has acting out tendencies of their own and I should be sensitive to that. But at the time, and for a long time after, all I felt was rage and shame. I went back into a cycle of being both afraid and angry at any woman I found attractive, and fearing them as soon as they made an advance.

    The past two and a half years have been floating in a sort of vague recovery state. Barely doing anything to intervene except the occasional breathing technique, or "urge journaling" from SMART Recovery. I have a filter on my computer, and the password is in the hands of someone else – but i've recently moved to a new city and have a data plan on my phone for the first time and realize that the WORST of my habits are available to me for the first time in 3 years. I don't want to risk this. I don't want to be afraid of eye contact any more, and I don't want to live my life as a self-imposed sexual hermit. But I can't do it alone. Thank you to anyone who's managed to get through this Tolstoy sized post, and hope to hear from you soon.

    Best,

    Wals
     
  2. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hey Wals,

    Despite being only 6 months into a 2-year plan, I recently decided that the benefits of not being able to act out on my phone were far greater than the benefits of having a data plan. I haven't regretted the decision at all.

    It's tough being an ex-pat. How's the social life coming on?
     
  3. Wals

    Wals New Member

    You're very smart to have done that. I had a pretty awful slip last night, and was amazed and horrified at how quickly I dived back in. Been feeling shaky today. Installed a software on it to block sites - thankfully the password is in someone else's hands so I can't bugger around with it. Even still I need to be diligent right now.

    It's weird for sure. I keep meeting people for a single night when I'm out and never reconnecting. There's an odd feeling of giving of myself emotionally but knowing I'm never gonna see that person again. It's become easy to hole up in my room.
     
  4. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Yeah it takes effort to break out of the transient community. I had quite a hard time of it when I was abroad (for 5 years), and I'd be much more proactive now.
     

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