3/12/12 - The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by MetaMorph, Mar 23, 2012.

  1. Onanymous

    Onanymous Living in the real world now

    Day 44. Wow.

    Very much looking forward to getting there myself. The 40-day mark has such biblical proportions.

    Congrats, and continued good luck.
  2. Onanymous

    Onanymous Living in the real world now

    Also, just my opnion, but it strikes me that the "fuck something" urge isn't unhealthy. Men are supposed to have that, or our ancestors would not have reproduced.

    It's what our brain sees as the best pathway to resolving the impulse that is the key thing. As a single man, I'm trying to channel the impulse into exercise, self-improvement and social activity, which represent my best path to a healthy sexual relationship with a woman.

    Not quite sure what I'm saying here, just that the "fuck something" urge will never go away permanently and is simply a hallmark of being a man. What you do with it determines what kind of man you are.
  3. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Thanks for the suppoprt Onanymous,

    The funny thing is, I haven't had that exact feeling in decades, since I was a young'un. I've always had a strong sex drive, but this constant low hum of "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK" purring in the engine room is not something I'm used to feeling. Happily, it's usually relieved by having sex with my wife which is very frequent, so I'm lucky there...

    I think it's somehow related to all the changes going on from the reboot, the chemical, mental, and physical changes, and all of that is good and healthy, it's just that it's distracting, and makes me want to look at a hot chick's naked body. Oh well, time to quit whining and just deal with it...
  4. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Meta,
    I went back like you did to your first entry.
    You're a poster child for the reboot process. Anyway that shouldn't put pressure on you, just incentive to continue.
    It's cheering to see your progress.
  5. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Haha, thanks gettingthere. Yeah after reviewing that I feel like a rusty, broken down jalopy that went in for restoration and came out a roaring hot rod. In the bedroom, that is. What a 180.

    Although I also feel a little frustrated since I know I'm still so vulnerable to porn and it's power to make me PMO. I don't feel that power right now, but I do feel that it's there, waiting. I guess as long as the power isn't having any effect, I'm okay. Like I have gasoline in the tank but the engine's not running. But once someone turns the engine on....

    Which is kinda happening now. For a few days I've been getting some pretty strong signals to do something sexual, however my wife and I haven't been in sync that way for a few days. You know, it just happens that the timing, mood, and opportunity... sometimes it just ain't right. So, for probably the first time in my reboot I'm feeling a very small taste of what most of you guys deal with all the time -- no outlet for the energy.

    (I will note that whenever this feeling hits, I also get really moody and a little cranky. I can be downright mean in small bursts. Not like me at all. New exprerience. I guess it's the build-up of testosterone??)

    In a way though, I kinda like it, and have been wanting to go a few days like this to see how it feels. I even wrote once that she came after me when I really would have rather let the steam build a little first.

    So here I go. Time to suit up for a little battle. No real strong need to look at porn, but definitely craving some boo-tay pics or titty shots. Man I would like to see me some sweet poo-tang right now lol. How about some pole dancing? Girls kissing girls?? Oooooh... tingly in the pants now.....


    Day 45 - Thursday, 4-26

    ...for now...
  6. spinergy

    spinergy New Member


    Keep going, my friend. You're leading yourself--and us--to victory.

    Stay strong!
  7. tig

    tig Guest

    It's great that you're being expressive and funny and being yourself, but that paragraph could be a trigger leading to a relapse for some people on here
  8. tig

    tig Guest

    OMG but i almost forgot to say, this is an awesome thread. The forward thinking that you have in fearing the urge coming back to bite you is inspiring. I also feel that i won't have too many problems with this, except of course, in those few moments of weakness. That's when some true character and confidence can be born
  9. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Whew, Spinergy... not sure I am anymore. No relapse but some "questionable" behavior since we last met.

    I mean, for someone who has it so easy I could be doing better. Hope you're not disappointed! ??? See below...

    Tig, thanks for your nice words.

    Yeah I realize it can be a trigger, hell, it's a trigger for me, see below.

    Day 46 - Friday, 4-27

    Well, time for some confession. :-[

    I could tell from my previous post that the energy was building, the thoughts were coming harder, and the normal release was overdue. Fortunately, I got that last part taken care of, but it's been interesting since my last entry.

    Not a relapse or even close to it, but in the last 24 hours I've allowed myself to indulge in some very mild softcore stuff on youtube and cable.

    In all honesty, I'm just wanting to start sorting out how to know what the boundaries are going to be, long term, dealing with small nibbles of sexy imagery. I mean, I know not to look at any XXX porn, I know not to jack off to anything, but I have already decided that a picture of boobs is in my future -- mainly, because it's already happened a few times accidentally since my reboot started, and I know it will continue to happen. When it happened there was no power in it, so I want to see what I'm capable of doing without harm.

    I just feel like I'm at that place, where, say an obese person has reached their weight goal and decides it's time to see if they can have a piece of cake without then going bonkers at the all-day buffet. To me, this is just another step in the process.

    I think I went a little too far. Never got anywhere near PMO, or even porn, but some of the stuff I saw was slightly exciting. Too far, but still no urge to PMO, no erection, no fondling "it." Nothing but a desire to **** my wife. ;D Funny thing is, in the past I would have gotten that fully flushed, fast heartbeat, shallow breathing rush just from THINKING about looking at that same stuff. Now, it has very little pull on me. In fact, I had to click onto stuff I wasn't even interested in just to push the experiment, finally clicking off out of boredom.

    So all in all I think I found out... yeah, there's some stuff I want to look at but need to stay away from, just because it's too much like porn. However, I won't shy away from a nude scene in a movie... it really seems to have no power to push me to PMO anymore...

    When it comes to sexual imagery, we can't escape it, and I believe it's almost counterproductive to be too strict -- forbidden fruit, ya know. Fact is, I don't WANT to totally avoid it, I just want to stop masturbating forever, stop watching XXX porn forever, never fap to porn again, renew sex with my wife (done), avoid anything that will make me feel poisoned or shameful, and settle into a balance that accomplishes the above while allowing a normal exposure to sexually stimulating imagery that isn't harmful. That's a balance I've never tried to reach and the exact definition of it for me hasn't been determined, but I feel like I'm at a place where I can start exploring that.

    I'm going to stay 100% clean for a while though... I don't want the small peeks I took to cause a full slide...
  10. Journey

    Journey New Member

    Great journal, keep it up!
  11. Onanymous

    Onanymous Living in the real world now

    On the one hand, we are all going to have to become capable of encountering sexy images and not ending up in PMO hell. We live in a softcore media world, and none of us can make that go away.


    Seriously, MetaMorph, reading your latest post put me in mind of the alcoholic whose hindbrain convinces him to take just one small sip of liquor, just to prove to himself that he can do it. That usually doesn't turn out well. Either the alcoholic immediately binges or he sets himself up with the "confidence" that he can drink "just a little," so he starts drinking socially, then having just one or two drinks per night alone, and....there's just no good ending to this story.

    I would propose a rule for looking at any images in the "sexy" category: Never do it alone. Looking at sexy images alone is just so damn close to PMO as far as your hindbrain is concerned. It's not full-on degenerate PMO to extreme porn, but why give your hindbrain anything that reinforces those old PMO brain maps? You're only keeping them alive.

    There's absolutely no need to look at sexy images alone. You can go the rest of your days on this planet without doing that and still live a full, complete, rich, satisfying life. Most of your ancestors did.

    You don't have to "sort out what the boundaries are." You just don't. You are in complete control of what you do alone. When you accidentally run across a sexy ad online for one second, you want to start building an automatic STOP instinct, not a "let's productively explore the boundaries here" instinct. Because that's just bullshit.

    I think your old PMO maps are doing a last-ditch desperate attempt to stay alive. Don't indulge them even a little bit. Write new maps over them.
  12. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Meta,
    Why complicate the process by testing the limits? If a skier does that the results can be devestating.
    Anyway, I don't like the cake analogy. Vanilla cake may lead to strawberry or chocolate or maybe a second helping. Vanilla porn leads to more graphic and more time and more dopamine.
    Please try to nip it in the bud.
  13. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Guys, thank you so much for your heartfelt and thoughtful replies.

    I know there is some BS coming from the lizard brain in that last post, and yes I eagerly anticipated my "test." However, I am happy to report that the response was so disinteresting that I'm even more convinced than ever that I'm on the right track. Not that I was on the right track when looking, but with gaining strength.

    My impulses before, during, and after the test were far weaker than my weakest urges before the reboot. I understand your concern with taking a sip, or one bite, leading to more and more. I will be watching for that and reporting any other activity in this journal. However, I do want to eventually know that I can (IF I can) look at some fun "college boy" content without harming myself. As I said, I had never even considered a boundary like that before: I looked at whatever I wanted to, however extreme. So I need to know where that line is; or if I need zero tolerence; or if that stuff just isn't interesting anymore with having a hard block on masturbating (my suspicion is the latter will prove out). My latest goal is to never masturbate again in my married life and if I do I will be very disappointed and my entire approach to No-PMO will have to be reevaluated.

    I believe for me -- and I stress for me -- that having a shocked "OMG! LOOK AWAY!!!" reaction to anything sexy, like a lingerie picture in a magazine, or a bus stop poster, is actually bad for me, causing a "forbidden fruit is always sweeter" reaction. Over time, I am going to try and define the danger line. Puppies: OK. XXXtreme porn: NOT OK. But what's in the middle??? Like I said, I have never explored this before, and maybe now is a little early, but I feel like I was ready.

    I realize this sounds like one big lizard-brain rationalization, and maybe there is a grain of truth in that. But I'm done with my test and looking forward to a good long clean streak.

    Thanks again for your concern. Onanymous I especially appreciate your advice on writing new pathways, your thoughts posted on your journal of your goals in those regards were very wise. I have even thought since reading it of ways I can do that myself but my schedule is pretty structured and won't easily allow new activities or outlets for new pathways to develop.

    Besides, I am very confident that just being in such a good place with my wife now is going to be the main anchor keeping me safe. There's no way in hell I will ever have porn-induced ED with her again, it simply is not going to happen. I feel like I looked over the edge, leaning on a very sturdy railing. I leaned a little too far, not far enough to feel like I might fall over the rail, but far enough to give me the willies and make me want to back away. And the view really wasn't very good anyway.

    I will definitely report any other urges or actions on my part in this regard. The plan is to return to total abstinence.

  14. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Meta,
    Whew! I was worried about you there! Probably you weren't in peril but it made me nervous.
    That's because you seem pleased and proud of your relationship with your wife and it would be bad to risk harming it.

    I saw some accidental nudity in a really mild movie. No urge to PMO but man, did my radar ever go up.
    Be well,
  15. windnbreeze

    windnbreeze New Member

    Don't over rationalize. Just listen to your gut. You lizard brain can completely dominate your rational brain. Be strong brother.
  16. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Thanks guys, I appreciate the support.

    Yeah I used to be a heavy smoker many many years ago, and I go out once or twice a month with my friends who still smoke. Three of them are around my age and smoke heavily and we go to a couple bars that allow smoking and it's everywhere and doesn't tempt me in the least.

    So I guess looking at a few sexy pictures then NOT jacking off to XXX porn is somewhat similar to being around smokers and not smoking. Not sure, but we will see.

    Again, my latest long-term goal in this is, in order of importance:

    1) Never have porn-induced ED with my wife again (so far so good)
    2) Never look at XXX porn again (so far so good)
    3) Never jack off again period, as long as I have my wife to share sex with (so far so good)
    4) NOT have an "OMG LOOK AWAY OR DIE" attitude toward normal encounters with sexy or even nude imagery
    5) Determine the boundary for safe viewing of fun and interesting material that isn't harmful to the above goals, IF POSSIBLE

    I'm willing to take a calculated risk to try and determine the boundary. I think an approach like this is healthy and good, but perhaps not safe for someone who is still in a really hard place struggling against PMO. I just happen to be lucky in that my relationship with my wife afforded me a speedy reboot.

    (In relation to Number 3 having the statement "as long as I have my wife" I say that because I'm beginning to believe that guys who don't have a mate probably should relieve themselves at long intervals when necessary. I think the pent up desire and huge blue balls probably causes more problems than an occasional fap. Just my opinion.)

    We're all frontiersmen in this new world of high-speed internet porn addiction recovery. We're all going to build our cabins, set our traps, and plant crops a little differently. There just isn't any proven blueprint out there yet for the perfect approach to achieve the ideal results, and I think all of us eventually need to have some kind of healthy attitude toward the nature of our culture and the sexual energy flowing all around us. Everyone enjoys the sexual aspect of human interaction, like everyone enjoys a little dessert once in a while. Someday I want to be able to enjoy little doses of bikini ice cream without turning into a deranged spaced-out porn-fueled whacking-off fiend. Is it possible? I don't know yet. But if this is all just my lizard brain leading me back into a PMO hell, you'll find out about it in a future post. :p

    Day 49 - Monday, 4/30

    Seven weeks no PMO!!

    Okay, back to the update. Well I've been relatively clean for 48 hours and haven't noticed any significant negative effect. Had sex 3 times since Thursday and each was fine, only once after the "test" and once during. (The test was 3 or 4 short sessions, consisting of some sexy youtube videos, one simulated sex scene in a major motion picture with female nudity, and a couple sim scenes in a softcore movie with nudity, all viewed alone, and mostly fast-forwarded and clicked off out of boredom, yet not without some peaked interest. Contradictory? Maybe...)

    I can honestly say that the tests were all a little boring and caused no reaction whatsoever, except a slight urge to go further (easily put down).

    As far as a "reaction," I should probably explain that I never get any kind of erections during the day except when playing around with my wife. Other women, pictures or scenes, thoughts, even porn recalls, nothing gets it going anymore. I have regular morning wood and lots of night stiffies but never in the daytime. And the test was no different. The thing had no reaction at all.

    I liked looking at the scenes I saw, and I think it even gave me a little more energy in bed, but I had no urge at all to PMO or even look at the hard stuff.

    Feeling pretty good today, looking forward another week.

    Have a great day!! ;D
  17. spinergy

    spinergy New Member


    You sound strong, but you know with the "testing" you are playing with fire. A normal male should be able to look at a pair of tits now and then; I get that. Here's the thing: you don't need to go out of your way to "test" yourself in this regard. Our whole culture has been pornified to a large degree. There will be plenty of tests -- you don't have to go looking for them.

    The fact that you are looking for "the boundary for safe viewing of fun and interesting material that isn't harmful to the above goals" says, to me, that you are still looking for gratification from sexual images. Sorry, brother, but if you're looking for it, you're being driven by the old addiction. You may be able to handle it--your posts suggest that you can. Maybe you'll be fine. But don't delude yourself about what you're doing. Again, if you can handle it, you may be fine, in which case have fun.

    You want to enjoy being tittilated without falling into PMO. To me, that says your lizard brain wants just a LITTLE dopamine. Again, maybe you're strong enough to handle that. Maybe.

    I quit smoking 20 years ago. For ten years, I missed cigarettes and even enjoyed second hand smoke. For the next ten, they disgusted me. Then, last year, I found myself bumming cigarettes, then buying them.

    You are obviously strong; you're brain perhaps isn't as marinated in the poison as mine is. However, the fact that you are hankering after tittilation suggests to me that your desire to find "boundaries" is driven in part by the effects of the poison.

    Be careful.

    Now that that's out of the way, way to go, brother!

    Stay strong.
  18. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Meta,
    I have to ask you something. Do you have a concrete plan regarding this test?

    You have succeeded in watching some utube stuff without PMO. Congrats on that. Now is the test concluded or will you step it up to more graphic stuff?

    That's what is making me nervous for you. If you don't have a concrete plan including a goal you're basically in the wind.

    To continue the war analogy, any good general considers the "worst case scenario" and plans an "exit strategy".
    Meta, what is your exit strategy if the shit hits the fan?

    Be well,
  19. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Spinergy and Gettingthere, I really appreciate the time and effort you have put into discussing my situation with me. I sincerely thank you for the thoughtful replies.

    Wise words my friend. I cannot say you are wrong. In fact I feel that you are 100% correct. However, in a way I'm not really looking for anything, or even really "testing," I'm just doing what I plan to do long term which is to look at titillating images and scenes now and then, and not jack off to it, and not watch hardcore porn.

    I don't really know if this is a good idea or not. Only time will tell what the outcome is.

    I'm sobered by your experience with picking up cigarettes again. Funny, I have toyed with the idea of smoking one. Are you still smoking?

    Thanks again for your concern and your help.

    Great observation brother. I do not have a concrete plan. I guess in a way it wasn't really even a test except to see if I ended up at the bottom of the hill. It was more of my first time looking for fun, and to find out if I could handle it. The reason it happened is because I made the decision that I am going to see that stuff accidentally sometimes, and it seems to have no strong driving effect, so why not enjoy it once in a while? Yeah it's a test in a way but I am not going out just to "test myself" but rather to enjoy myself without XXX porn and masturbation.

    That's about all the planning there is. The exit strategy would be if I get excited to stop and do something else.

    Thanks again for your post.

    Day 50 - Tuesday, 5/1

    Whew. Well, following on the above, I can report that I have had some strong urges since last post, no doubt caused by my excursion. I have mixed feelings; early in my reboot, I reported having really big Os, but before I tried the test, the O with my wife had actually started to diminish in intensity, and now since the "test" it's boosted back up a little. We actually had sex again last night and there was no problem whatsoever with ED or DE, in fact I know it was big -- it showed in her reaction -- and the ending was better than last week. So, in one way I feel like I've slipped a little in my progress, but then things seem to have improved a little in bed.

    If the "viewings" are just going to be an aphrodisiac, I don't think I like that. I want our sex to just be about us. But that leads me to the thought that, if sex gets lackluster for me without staying titillated, then maybe we're doing it too much, and I don't like that either. We both like doing it about 3x/week.

    Now I'm starting to wonder what the best course is. Look at sexy images once in a while for fun and to keep my libido up, or let sex just be lees intense, or just gradually taper down to less sex with my wife..... kinda confused....

    Oh well. Committed as much as ever to not PMO, and doing fine...

    Have a great day brothers...
  20. tig

    tig Guest

    Kinkier sex with your wife? Ropes, handcuffs, choking, toys, teasing.....

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