3/12/12 - The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by MetaMorph, Mar 23, 2012.

  1. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Glad to hear it, Meta!

    Truly excellent observations, as always--you are most perceptive and articulate.

    Today you're leading the paceline, pulling the rest of the team along. We'll all take turns, so when one tires, he can draft behind the one who is strong that day. (Have I beat the metaphor to death yet?)

    Stay strong!
  2. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Meta, I'm 52 w/gf and on day 38.
    I'm new to this and I read your whole journal because it is like a breath of fresh air for me.
    I like hearing how it can renew my psyche and enhance my relationship w/ my gf. (It is at 3 mos and very precious to me.)

    I really relate to your feelings about there being an insidious, cunning "snake in the grass" ready to pounce.
    Here's a true example of that:

    About 2 weeks into this I googled "kama sutra" to find some new positions and titilate my gf. Innocent enough BUT... I find myself looking at porn. I notice I'm getting into the "mode" and luckily escaped unscathed. Whew! It started out as just a form of flirting and before I knew it I was in real (I mean REAL) danger.

    You're definitely on the right track baby!

  3. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Thanks gettingthere and spinergy.

    Day 33 - Saturday 4/14

    Geez. She is hooked on sex!! :eek:

    What can I say, last night she came at me again. I had a few concerns about ED/DE since it had only been 24 hrs, but no problems. I am starting to wonder if I might have to explain my newfound performance abilities... she's certainly noticed, and it shows (if you know what I mean).

    I will say, I can see definite curtailing of urges to look at porn whenever we do it. It just seems to satisfy any sexual urge, and I can go on with other things in life. Very nice. It seems the farther I get into the reboot, the more beneficial, soothing, and natural the sex is. It has a better effect now than a few weeks ago.

    Funny... I am experiencing the effects of a sexual relationship with my wife as it should be, just only now. After all these years....

    So, today is another great day, thanks to YBOP, this forum, and my great wife!

    Numeric rankings now on a scale of 0-10. I'm removing "dick status" as the flatness only came back once for one day and has normalized for now, it seems.

    - Days since SWW: 1
    - ED/DE during: 0/0
    - Chaser from SWW: 0
    - Mood today: 8
    - Blue balls: 1
    - Libido: Normal
    - Urge to P: 0
    - Morning wood: YES 85%
    - Spontaneous erections: none

    Have a great strong day today everyone!!
  4. spinergy

    spinergy New Member


    That's my goal.

    Stay strong.
  5. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Meta,
    I'm trying to follow your journal because I think we're in a very similar place in this adventure and our ages (I'm day 40, age 52).
    I hope I'm not getting too graphic here but I'm curious, did you regain the ability to cum from oral? I don't feel even close to that yet. I suppose it's not a big deal because my gf and I have satisfying sex. But it does seem to me an indication of how desensititized I became from PMO.
    Like you I'm not really tempted yet by PMO but I'm scared of falling back by taking that one little glimpse just one time. Heck the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was hard to pass up in the barber shop.
    I too get compliments from my gf I've never heard before.
    This works...
  6. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Thanks, gettingthere. Yeah well, I never really lost that ability :) it just got to be something she and I both had to work at too much, and took too long. What I regained was a better, faster experience. But I've only had one chance to test it.

    Regular intercourse, on the other hand... yeah, it's regular all right... Sunday morning was the fastest and hardest we've had in years. I don't think I lasted three minutes. We weren't even going to do it, it was very spontaneous, and fast. She was very outspoken about how nice it was.

    This is working better than I would have ever imagined.

    I often think, right after we're finished, that what just happened was impossible before this reboot, and the effect of the reboot in that moment went beyond my wildest expectations.

    I want to document some of the direct benefits I see in the bedroom from the reboot. Some of these have taken some time to develop, like 3-4 weeks:

    - Obviously: harder, bigger, longer lasting erections
    - Faster ability to finish
    - Less anxiety over what will happen
    - Less need to fantisize about porn scenes to finish (zero now)
    - Huge gains in sensitivity (no need to think about porn when you're having continuous physical pleasure!)
    - More feelings of genuine love from the event
    - More often!
    - Better experience for my wife

    Which brings me to...

    Day 35 - Monday 4/16

    Five weeks woo hoo!

    I don't want to let my guard down, but I'm really starting to feel that my old PMO ways are behind me for good. I won't say that I'll never look at a picture or clip of boobs, or other titillating stuff -- it happens accidentally sometimes -- but I'm pretty confident that I'll never return to my old ways, certainly not on a regular basis.

    The results of stopping PMO are just too good, and the consequences too bad, to ever go back. The thought of it strikes me as similar to the thought of drinking poison -- why the hell would I do that???

    In terms of control, last week I read about some products on here that I'd never heard of, and out of curiosity, did some research on them, and landed on a site with lots of ads and packaging for the products that used pornographic pictures. These weren't the drug-store packaging, lady-with-nothing-on-but-a-towel pictures. Full-blown split beaver porn. And they did nothing to me. No urge to follow up with videos or PMO, no twitching in the groin, no racing heart or surge of dopamine... it may as well have been pictures of puppies. I clicked off out of boredom. Which is very strange for me haha... :eek:

    So yeah. Porn's power really seems to be fading. I attribute this in large part to the improvements in the bedroom. The gains I've made there just really help me see how much I want to continue with this.

    - Days since SWW: 1
    - ED/DE during: 0/0
    - Chaser from SWW: 0
    - Mood today: 7
    - Blue balls: 0
    - Libido: Normal
    - Urge to P: 0
    - Morning wood: no
    - Spontaneous erections: none

    Have a great porn-free day today guys!!
  7. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Meta,
    You are really doing great and it seems like you are starting to have a little fun w/ this process.
    Even though it's difficult, I'm starting to feel it can also be fun.
    Seeing results w/ my girlfriend is really cool. She gives me compliments and that, in turn, makes me happy to give her some extra special attention.
    Another fun part for me is the "Rocky" experience. Being an underdog fighter and getting into the ring to slug it out. I'm sure hoping for that knock-out victory even if I have to take a couple of hard hits.
    Gettingthere (on day 41)
  8. liveinthenow

    liveinthenow New Member

    This. So true. Dude you're a wordsmith, I love it ::) More power to you and your lovely wife!
  9. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Thanks for the support gettingthere and liveinthenow.

    The real fun I'm having with this is mostly centered around my wife and our relationship. It's great that this reboot has done this for us.

    The rest of the rebooting is remarkable too, though. I never dreamed that stopping PMO would have so many benefits and have such a dramatic impact on my life in general. I now realize how strong the effect against me that PMO was, and how it destroyed so much of my life.

    Take simple interactions with strangers, for example. In the past, I never cared about other women (except as sex objects), or getting to be around other people, but that's all changed. I look forward to and relish each encounter with a stranger now, each social engagement, each family gathering, each chance to LIVE!

    Before, in my lame, ill-fated and short-lived attempts to tame the PMO beast, I didn't know to expect a better, more fulfilling sexual life with my wife... because I didn't realize PMO was damaging it. I didn't know to expect a deeper, clearer voice, because I didn't realize PMO was weakening it. And, I didn't know to expect to enjoy strangers, because I didn't realize that PMO was causing my disinterest in, and dismissal of others.

    I mean, Wow. The more I get into this, the more amazing the whole thing is. And it's so nice to now know to expect these positive things to happen to me that I didn't expect before, and to not only expect them but to realize them!

    This lack of understanding is also, I see now, a large reason why I always failed. In the past when I tried to stop, all I thought I was doing was losing something. Now I know that what I am losing is nothing -- NOTHING -- compared to what I am gaining. I'm throwing out a small amount of garbage to replace it with large stores of riches... a rich life! Why, that's an easy choice!

    Day 36 - Tuesday 4/17

    Standard stuff today, nothing exciting or noteworthy to report.

    - Days since SWW: 2
    - ED/DE during: 0/0
    - Chaser from SWW: 0
    - Mood today: 7
    - Blue balls: 0
    - Libido: Normal
    - Urge to P: 0
    - Morning wood: Yes, 70%
    - Spontaneous erections: random night stiffies

    Have a great day today men! :)
  10. liveinthenow

    liveinthenow New Member

    Absolutely agree ;D
  11. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Meta,
    You've an amazing knack for hitting the nail on the head. (That was uninteded pun.)
    I related deeply to your idea that this process is not just about giving up PMO. It is also about gaining something precious.
    That resonates with me because, to continue the "Rocky" analogy, now it is not just about knocking out Apollo Creed. It is also about going home to Adrian and loving her and her Italian cooking and...
    It's a much richer vision. Thanks for that insight.
  12. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Day 37 - Wednesday 4/18

    Just a quick update, everything is status quo, cruising right along and no PMO since the start!

    - Days since SWW: 3
    - ED/DE during: 0/0
    - Chaser from SWW: 0
    - Mood today: 6
    - Blue balls: 0
    - Libido: Normal
    - Urge to P: 0
    - Morning wood: Yes, 60%
    - Spontaneous erections: none

    Have a good one. :)
  13. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    I'm going to post here a reply I made in someone else's journal about how we can get drawn into this addiction innocently, and owe it to ourselves to understand that many, or most, or all of us have been victimized by pornography, and/or our own sex drive.

    I think this is an important life lesson; in many ways, life victimizes us, everyone. What young boy proactively seeks pornography on his own volition? None! I suspect we all found it accidentally, or are given it by others. And what about the fact that pornography exists without us first asking for it? What about porno pop-up ads on a gaming site? What about lingerie ads in our mom's catalogs? What about having been born with an irresistible sex urge??

    Realizing that we began as innocent victims is a good step toward getting our thinking rebalanced, especially for those who feel shame over our actions. This realization, that we don't own the first few steps into our misbehavior, gives us the first few steps up the ladder out of the pit of dispair... essentially, we're "owed" a pass for those first few steps that weren't our fault... and those first few steps up the ladder are enough to take the next few steps on our own power, where we gain the confidence and pride to take a few more, until we're up where we can see daylight and know that, someday, the shame, and the urge to act out, the whole ugly cycle, will be gone completely.

    Day 38 - Thursday 4/19

    Been a while since me and my girl hooked up haha, starting to get the urge.... but nothing near porn urges yet.

    Interesting, I was doing a google image search and a few pics of the artisitc-variety with naked breats popped up that did nothing to me. In the past, that would have been enough to start the spiral. Now I glance past them with all the lustfulness of a castrated octogenarian. So at this point, triggers for me seem to be disengaged. Still worried that will change someday...

    - Days since SWW: 4
    - ED/DE during: 0/0
    - Chaser from SWW: 0
    - Mood today: 7
    - Blue balls: 0
    - Libido: Normal
    - Urge to P: 0
    - Morning wood: Yes, 80%
    - Spontaneous erections: none

    Have a great porn-free day today!
  14. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Meta,
    I'm still rockin with ya (day 44 of reboot.)
    Reading through your journal made me think of something my dad said to me many moons ago. A cousin and I were going through some bad crap that I don't even remember. I was feeling helpless and my dad said I'd get through it because I had "a deep rudder."
    That is what I think you possess Meta. Your steering is accurate and it's shown in the big strides you've taken.
    My rudder is not quite as deep and because of my shame I've managed only really baby steps. Hopefully they will amount to a big gain in the quality of my life. Stay the course Meta!
  15. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Day 42 - Monday, 4-23

    Wow. Six weeks ago today, I had my last hours-long PMO binge which brought me to my knees, and also led me to YBOP and eventually this journal. Can't hardly believe it's went so fast, but in another way it seems like eons...

    I don't believe the desire to look at porn will ever leave me, but I'm feeling more confident all the time that my life has truly changed. There are just too many benefits from this reboot flooding over me to ever want to go back to what I was.

    That is, go back to a life that revolves around a P - then M - then O cycle of dispair, guilt and self-destruction.

    I won't swear off seeing a picture of boobs. It happened again (accidentally) yesterday, and while nice to look at, it had no power over me. None. Just a picture that was here, then gone. No big deal. No rush, no urge, no "Geez I need to see more of THAT!" Nothing.

    I won't swear off indulging in a little R-rated scenery in a movie just for entertainment... much like a woman might enjoy gazing at her favorite actor in a bedroom scene, even fantasizing about him. Doesn't mean she is going to then masturbate to a computer screen for hours on end.

    I'm looking forward to a healthy appreciation of women, including some brief nudity, for the purpose of enjoying being a human! But a regular diet of PMO? No way in hell.

    I HAVE, however, sworn off masturbation. Over the years, I've had my off-and-on success fighting porn. Never for long, and never with any resolve, but I have had periods of abstaining. But I never tried abstaining from MO. Never thought I needed to. So I'd stop looking at porn but still indulge in MO from time to time.

    But I'm more convinced than ever that MO is the real culprit that burns down my house of life -- porn is just the gasoline that causes the fire to burn so much faster and hotter. So stopping all MO is my real goal, which is impossible while watching porn, so porn has to go too.

    Had a few hook-ups with my lady the past few days that really cemented my resolve. The power, the firmness, and the sensations are just over the top compared to the last few years. Really unbelievable.

    Also had some very interesting encounters with female strangers that also energized my resolve. Certainly not looking to cheat on my wife, but it definitely adds some zing to your day that was impossible while I was a PMO zombie.

    The daily status chart is starting to seem a little silly. Nothing is changing much anymore. I'm still gaining sensitivity (not sure how, last time we had sex I was so sensitive that it felt like my whole body was all penis) and strength in bed, but everything else has normalized.

    Have a great day today men!!
  16. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Great report, Meta!

    I'm at day 47 but haven't experienced all of the benefits you have. I attribute this to longer and more frequent exposure to this poison. Your reports are inspirational!

    Stay strong.
  17. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Meta,
    It's good to hear that your resolve is strong and gaining.
    I agree that the really insidious snare because it provides the chemical/neural reinforcement. That reinforces the reward/stimulus vicious cycle that leads to addiction. I'm going commit to giving up MO too.
    Without the M, the P has no teeth--no pleasure. It is pixels and stage acting and nothing more.
    I'm on day 48 no PMO and setting a goal of 100 days.
  18. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Thanks spinergy and gettingthere, you guys are awesome!!

    Spinergy, I know the benefits I'm seeing are because of the regular action between me and my wife. I hope things get on track for you soon!

    Like I said in my first post, we've always had regular sex and nothing ever interrupted that, even porn-induced ED because it never got that bad. So I've been able to enjoy, and also observe and report, the immediate results of the reboot on sex right from the end of my PMO life into and through the reboot process. Maybe this will help someone later on who is having regular relations with their SO.

    Day 43 - Tuesday, 4-24

    To follow up on that, I can report that after last night, I am still seeing gains in performance in bed. Last night she came after me (heh heh), making me more convinced than ever, since we were pretty active over the weekend, that this reboot is having a strong effect on her libido. It's like the more we do it and the better it is, the more she wants it (which makes sense I guess...?). I don't like to get too descriptive of her personal stuff, but let's just say that her reactions make it pretty obvious that the changes are making a big difference for her. For myself, I can say that either my sensitivity is going off the chart, or "it" is actually getting bigger, or both. Sometimes I'll get distracted during the act, just realizing how potent it seems, but that just charges me up even more. Maybe it's a combination of increased sensitivity and some sort of placebo effect on my brain causing things to seem bigger/stronger/harder... not sure. But the results are very satisfying for both of us, regardless of the reason why.

    Wow. I just went back and read my "Day 0" entry. How pathetic, but how awesome that this process has brought me so far. Thanks again to the makers of YBOP and this site.

    Have a great day today brothers!!
  19. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Meta,
    It is wonderful that you and your wife are really blossoming due to this process. I must admit that she does sound like a special lady.
    I'm having that "extra" feeling with my girlfriend and it is so intense sometimes I feel like a high-schooler.

    It does seem a long/short time ago that I spent 3 days jerking off to porn and felt I was dead inside.
    I know I'm alive now. All the little things I took for granted are starting to come into focus. Before they were way too blurry to identify.
    It was like I was looking at a smile and seeing a mouth waiting to suck a guy in a porn movie.

    May you have comfort and peace,
  20. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Thanks gettingthere, yes she is very special, in every way, not just in bed. I'm very lucky to have her.

    I can definitely relate to the imagery you describe. It's kind of sick how we view women when in the PMO trance, and I'm so glad that's fading away.

    Day 44 - Wednesday, 4-25

    Not much to report today, mostly cruising along... although I'm starting to feel the "fuck something" urge rise to the conscious again, along with fleeting urges to look at anything titillating. This has happened two or three times during my reboot and never got close to a hard urge to look at porn, but it's a little bothersome that it's coming back. Oh well, I fully expect to be dealing with this for months or years. Gotta fight the bastard....

    Be strong today guys!

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