3/12/12 - The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by MetaMorph, Mar 23, 2012.

  1. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Greetings ;D

    Like many others, I reached this site from YBOP. All I can say is Thank You Gary and the admins here for creating these websites! They are truly wonderful and necessary for the healing from porn.

    I'm a late-40s husband who has looked at porn off and on most of my life. Except for a few spells without. Then when the internet came in it just got worse. Although for me it never became daily, and I continued regular good sex with my wife of over 20 years. I would try to stop but never able to go more than 2-3 weeks, and never felt any different, because I didn't realize the negative impact porn was having on my brain and body.

    Then last year I really got into soft-core, like girls kissing girls. I felt this was not as bad as XXX so I watched it even more, and was able to PMO with it. Then some days I would binge on the softcore for hours, then switch to XXX and just go bonkers. That's when the troubles began, because I was watching this so much that I finally started to have some slight ED and Delayed Ejac with my wife and got really worried. I didn't want her to think there's something wrong with her or me and so I try to slough it off, telling her I'm tired or too hot or something. We have had regular sex 2-3 times per week all throughout our marriage so if this changes, she will know something's wrong.

    Well, on 3/12/12 after several hours alone at home with the softcore videos, then a major binge on XXX ending in MO, I was finally fed up with all the shit porn was doing to my life. I would be tired, achy, grumpy, for 2-3 days after a binge like that, and soft with my woman. The ED and DE were getting worse and I finally searched for some clue to beat this demon. That's when I found YBOP.

    Wow.



    I felt like someone blasted a superhighway through the mountains that divided my sex urges from my rational brain. Instantly, I knew I now had the knowledge I needed to sustain my will to fight against porn. I really feel like a metamorphosis took place in my brain and everything has changed. I'm giddy with excitement over this power and want to find out more. And so I ended up here, reading, reading, reading everything I can, and excited, joyous, over my new found knowledge that will help me so much.

    Thank you everyone who is making this possible.

    As for my progress:

    Day 0 - Monday, 3/12/12

    After several hours of binging on P ending in MO, I finally search out YBOP. I find it easy to now look at myself as having the ability to stop porn dead in its tracks, but a small worry is always there that porn will just lay back until its time is right then surge ahead and win again someday...

    My wife and I had our usual 2 encounters over the previous weekend. The second one ended in failure on my part. This is highly unusual, and so the following day (day 0 Monday), of PMO really brings me to my knees. Now I know PMO is ruining my sex with my wife, and my life.

    However, since the weekend was unfulfilling, that night she approached me again for sex, and after a few failed attempts I tell her, we tried too much yesterday, I need a rest. Now I'm really flat out lying to her to cover my tracks, and this disgusts me even more, furthering my resolve. I steel myself for the coming withdrawal...

    Days 1-4 - Tuesday-Friday

    Nothing too hairy to say, I did have some blue balls that week (unusual for me), and VERY strong "dead dick" feelings of like my cock is an airless baloon with all shriveled units. Zero libido, zero urge to watch porn or even look at girls. Very moody. Sometimes feeling unusually happy, other times very grouchy. Funny, I also start getting morning wood after a couple days, which is also unusual for me. The lady leaves me alone, thank God, we usually hit it once during the week but we both work so sometimes we skip and it's not noticed.

    Day 5 - Saturday 3/17

    I wake up very apprehensive, as Saturday morning is almost guaranteed sex for us. Worried about ED, DE, thinking maybe my new "project" will make things even worse. But no worry, we do it and it goes pretty good, not great but not a struggle. So I'm happy, she got her bone and I didn't fail. On with the progress...

    Then, a few hours later we're getting ready to leave for the day and she lies on the bed and I just walk over and start kissing her and stroking her jeans, and suddently we're going at it again, even better than earlier. So I think, "WOW this is really working!" She even comments, wow, twice in four hours! So we're both very happy. I go throughout the day joyous over our sex and my zero urge to PMO.

    Day 6 - Sunday 3/18

    We give each other the day off (without saying so)... it just seems normal to skip it. Still having dead dick and zero libido when not playing with her... PMO urges still zero.

    Day 7 - Monday 3/19

    One week woo hoo! I'm on top of the world, PMO-wise. YBOP and this site have given me super-human control over PMO. Wow!! is all I can say. although I still feel the enemy is spending this time coming up with even more devious attack strategies. Oh well when he comes I will KICK HIS ASS!!

    The really great thing about this day is that after work my lady comes into the bedroom and lies down fully clothed. This is a normal cue that she wants sex. And I thought "man we just did it twice Saturday... not sure I can perform again" and the normal anxiety that porn caused the last few months rears its head. But I jump into it with her and ... omg... best sex in a long time, for me anyway. I can feel things I haven't felt in a long time. It seems like my cock has become a huge club with a bowling ball on the tip. I don't want this to be a lusting story but let me just say, things went REALLY GREAT and we were both really happy for that. Me especially.

    Day 8 till now

    Libido still zero when not around my lady, trying to stroke and hug her more to get more into the benefits of abstaining that everyone talks about. Dead dick too. Morning wood has fallen off, but I don't care as long as I can stay off porn and perform for my girl. I do feel more confident and more alert, the brain fog of last week is mostly gone. And also last week I was able to accomplish much more at work with less procrastinating. Looking forward to more benefits but also worried about relapse, failure, strong strong urges later on, etc.

    I have never felt so powerful over porn, but I also have experienced overwhelming urges in the past that I could not fight off. So even though I feel stronger I'm really concerned about the long term. That's why I wanted to write this journal, to try and help me stay on track. I love my wife dearly and want to stay away from porn forever, for her and for me.

    I will be watching for other signs of change and report here. I envy you single guys who can take this new power and use it to f**k everything in sight. I don't get around strange women very much but when I do I'll be watching them for clues. Hopefully I don't fall to THAT temptation!! ;D

    Thanks to you for reading, I hope someone out there can be encouraged by my story.

    I will not be able to participate as much as I should in the forum, my schedule doesn't give me a lot of free time except when I wasted hours some days watching stupid porn. That's one reason I have to quit, I wasted too much time and got behind in my work and other parts of my life that I'm now going to pursue instead of watching porn or being online. I will post updates in here as much as I can though.
     
  2. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    I should ammend after the Day 8 entry...

    Today is Day 11 - Friday, 3/23

    Status quo. Zero libido, zero urge to PMO, zero urge to obssess on bikini shots on the news or in mags like I usually would. Shutting the computer is soooo easy now. BUT! Reminding myself constantly that Enemy #1 is planning feverishly more than ever how to conquer me. Still dead dick when alone, it's weird, like the little guy just don't care anymore. No sex since the Monday night encounter, however I know Saturday and Sunday I will be expected to perform haha. Wish me luck. ;D
     
  3. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Thanks for sharing. 48 here and farther down the PMO-induced ED path....your story is encouraging. It looks like you stopped PMO just in time....take it from me, it can really mess up relations with one's wife.
     
  4. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    I had the same 'road to Damascus' feeling when finding YBOP. The first three weeks for me were easy as pie. I still have no desire to look at porn at all - in fact it would feel injurious to do so, like opening up a wound that's healing. Fantasies are more bothersome and the fact that I feel more masculine (like I've finally grown a pair!) makes me feel lustful. Opportunities for sex with my wife are few and far between as we haven't done it for years (she's still a good-looking woman) and we're not in the habit. Having a 13 year old daughter doesn't help either.

    Anyway, glad you're still riding the YBOP wave and that you're getting some lovin'. I think that's what I really need and what I've needed all my life - just haven't really known how to get it.
     
  5. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Thanks for the replies guys.

    Paulier, sorry your relationship with your wife isn't more sexual. I feel so lucky that my wife and I have always had a strong sexual relationship. I know this is helping my reboot. I wish for your relationship to improve in this area!

    Days 12 & 13, Saturday & Sunday 3/24 & 25

    Still no urge to PMO. None. I haven't had this kind of non-interest in porn in ... ever. It's weird, and I'm half ecstatic/half worried, since my brain managed to derail all my previous attempts to stop looking at porn. Must remember that The Enemy is plotting like mad, using decoys, double-agents and spies to entrap me. He is equally as smart as me, and always thinking of how to win while I spend most of my time thinking of other things, so I'm at a disadvantage.

    I know that seems silly and a little schizophrenic, but it helps me to realize that the part of my brain that wants porn is working around the clock to defeat me... even when I'm sleeping. So I must stay vigilant even though it seems easy right now...

    Well, the weekend was fantastic. I hate to keep giving these great reports; I feel sad for those of us who are struggling harder, or who don't have the outlet that I have. I'm so lucky to have a hot horny wife! Even though we're both aging, we find each other very attractive and enjoy sex together greatly. I did have a little trouble with ED and DE Saturday morning, but only about 1/3 as much trouble as back when I was PMOing. Sunday morning, I woke up ready to go but ended up getting overheated and failed. That was discouraging, but I knew it wasn't due to porn addiction so I wasn't too worried. Then when we succeeded later, everything was alright. Then that evening, going for it again, and succeeding.. well, we were both amazed. So that was 4 total intercourse events for the weekend, with me achieving O in 3 of them. I KNOW! I don't believe it either!! ;D I never could have done that before stopping PMO.

    So all-in-all a great few days. Still having zero libido when not around her, zero interest in other women, girls on TV, or anything like that. I glance at an underwear catalog and don't even look twice and I used to browse them with lust in my mind whenever I found them lying around.

    I really believe, as many of us are suggesting, that PMO and M in general is so damaging to our psyche that stopping has effects that we would never dream of...

    Day 14 - Monday 3/26

    Two weeks woo hoo! Still feeling strong, although I'm concerned this week will be a test. I think my guard will start to slip as time goes by and the temptation will creep in. Hope I'm wrong. I never made it more than a few weeks trying to stop before YBOP. But I really do feel different now so I'm hopeful.

    Today's the first day I don't seem to have that "dead dick" feeling. Things are a little more normally "full" feeling down there. The morning wood and blue balls I had the first few days have not returned, although I get semi-stiff during the night pretty regularly...

    After an active weekend my wife and I joked that we'll leave each other alone for now but I know if I need to release she'll be there for me. So off I go to try for week 3!
     
  6. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Thanks for the report! I'm kinda in Paulier's situation, but your experience is inspirational.

    And yes, based on past experience, eternal vigilance is the price of liberty from P's malignant effects.
     
  7. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Day 15 - Tuesday 3/27

    Cruising along, nothing much changing drastically but I can report:

    - Still zero urge to PMO, although very vague "porn" thoughts beginning to pass through my mind
    - Still moody but less highs and more blahs. :(
    - Still zero libido when away from my lady, this is really weird, never felt this before in adult life
    - Still some dead dick off and on, about 50/50 dead/normal
    - Blue balls reappearing now and then
    - Getting more confidence that ED is clearing up for good and DE is getting better
    - No sex with wife since the weekend
    - Feeling my superhighway described in first post is growing in, porn waiting for its chance to pounce :(

    I will update when possible but feel that PMO is still so far out of sight that it's not an issue... for now.

    Thanks for reading.

    Stay strong my brothers! ;D
     
  8. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Good stuff, MetaMorph!
     
  9. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Day 16 - Wednesday 3/28

    Well today some blue balls returning and the first slight sense of feeling horny... only in small waves... nothing really to mention, but not zero like all days until now. Found myself really admiring a beautiful girl's face on TV when till now, all things sexual drifted by me unnoticed. Except for the sex with my wife which is very sexual and fine. All other times, I have been uninterested until a few times today.

    - Morning wood today, about 70%
    - Physically feeling some better, surprised, I expected to feel better faster
    - Still no urge to PMO, none, zero which is great
    - Mood: mostly flat, giddy highs of first week all gone :( but lows mostly gone too
    - Dick status dead/normal: 40/60 today
    - No sex since weekend
    - Feels like my Day Count should be higher ha ha :p

    TTFN!
     
  10. jva85

    jva85 New Member

    Good to see you are 16 days into it. Today is my 8th day, and it is rough. My girlfriend has backed off sexually for now, so it's good that your wife is open to helping you progress. Keep it up! Glad to see others moving along fine. Gives me hope. I'm just dreading the wall I know I'll hit at around the two week mark.
     
  11. waffel

    waffel New Member

    Don't worry about the flatlining/dead dick. I have it too and it's kind of strange. When I would normally be in a sexual tense situation I'd get hard rather quickly but now it needs a lot more stimulation and even then. But it's normal and you'll get out of it. I'm currently in day 32 and I'm still flatlining so. But good to see that you are still holding on! Great news
     
  12. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Thanks Jva.

    My wife has no idea (I think - haha) about any of this (I know the old saying, you're fooling no one but yourself). She isn't working through this with me, she is just thinking "who is this guy and when did he get the dick implant??" ;D
     
  13. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Thanks Waffel.

    I'm not too worried, I just think it's funny. I never saw my dick go so dead like this! It's weird, but also reassuring as it tells me something is definitely going on here. Tooooo weird....
     
  14. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Day 17 - Thursday 3/29

    Well. I hate to say this, but it happened again.

    Great sex with my wife last night. ;D

    I approached her, very much not looking to go all the way, just to mess around a little before bed. But after a few minutes she felt me and said "Let's get it while it's there" 8) so I just went with it, and this was a breakthrough: fast, hard, no thought of porn, no thought of ED or DE, just a good whacking with good O for us both in about 5 minutes... like the oooold days. Wow.

    All thanks to YBOP, this site, you guys, and telling Porn to GO TO HELL!!!

    Other news: Yesterday I had a really nice, but rare, outing into the local shopping area and had some very nice interactions with the public. This is really unusual for me and it just made my day. One in particular was with a middle age lady clerk, not super hot, but friendly and we had a really fun exchange. Almost flirty. I left there smiling for a long time afterward. In the old porny days I would have been short and almost terse with her, wanting only to get out and forget about her. Oh, and right before I approached her, a young hot blond clerk was asking if SHE could help me, and I smiled to myself later thinking, yeah, they were fighting over me because of my new sexual magnetism from no-PMO!! ;D :eek:

    This is so awesome. It's not only about getting normal sex back, it's about getting LIFE back. ALL of life.

    Wow.

    - Morning wood today, about 50%
    - Still high from public excursion, can't wait to go again
    - Still no urge to PMO
    - Mood: happy, but natural and feels great
    - Dick status dead/normal: 20/80 today
    - No sex since last night ;D


    I would like to make some observations, just to remind myself of how it used to be...

    Before Reboot
    - Feeling achy, tired and grouchy for days after a binge
    - Dry mouth, feeling of strange electrical taste in my mouth that gallons of drink won't wash away
    - Thirsty all the time in spite of drinking large quantities of fluids
    - Low self-esteem, feeling like a crappy human
    - Socially withdrawn and getting worse, don't want to visit anyone
    - Increasingly always thinking of porn and sex, like a fiend
    - Zombie-like feeling of no energy, no motivation, procrastinating
    - Brain fog, have to think about everything linearly, like one thing at a time
    - Loss of concentration, always rewinding news clips to listen again to understand
    - Constant sense of shame and guilt
    - And the worst, ED and DE, can't perform with or for my best friend and lover, my wife

    These problems are either gone or in severe recession since my reboot. Thanks again for all the help I've received in YBON and this site, and you guys sharing your stories and encouragement.

    Let's beat this thing!!!
     
  15. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Great work, MetaMorph!

    I want to be like you!
     
  16. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Thanks Spinergy. I truly hope for all of us to make this transition back to the life we deserve, and forget about porn FOREVER!!!

    I know it's not going to be easy for me, even though I know it sounds like it is.

    I spent many, many years going from mild to severe porn dependency. My story may sound like a walk in the park, but I have been in the trenches a long time. True, I never graduated to daily use, or the most extreme forms, but the addiction was strong nonetheless. The ability for my brain to rationalize and accept this poison is amazing.

    I have fought porn many times, and believe me, it is like wrestling a very large gorilla -- how can you stand against him?

    But somehow, this journey from YBOP to here has made that enemy, for me, weak, small, frail and easily defeated... for now.

    My biggest fear is that all of this will fade into my lower thinking one day, and then porn will engulf me like a tsunami, and catch me when my defenses are down. I know this fiendish enemy will not release me this easily. Somehow I'm in a phase of comfort and ease right now, but the storm will come. I know it will.

    That's one reason I want to document this journey, so I can always look at it and see where I was, how things progressed, and hopefully succeed in never PMOing again.

    Day 18 - Friday 3/30

    Today is pretty normal. Quick update:

    - Morning wood today: none
    - Libido: none
    - Urge to PMO: none
    - Mood: eh, midland
    - Dick status dead/normal: 40/60 today
    - Spontaneous erections, qty/fullness: none/0%
    - Blue balls: 10%
    - Looking forward to completing 3 weeks
    - Happy that my worry from Monday that I would have a hard fight this week never occured
    - TGIF, booze reward tonight, looking forward to the weekend
    - Worries over upcoming weekend performance not as strong as last week

    I haven't mentioned anything about spontaneous erections, like some guys, because I don't get these. I don't know if it's because I stay pretty satisfied, or what, but at least during this time (maybe it's flatlining), I don't get anything going down there at all except when me and her mess around. It's like, its only purpose is to relieve the bladder. I don't really care as long as it works when I need it to, but I'm going to start documenting this aspect so I can see if it changes.

    Keep strong guys!! :D
     
  17. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Days 19 & 20 - Saturday & Sunday 3/31 & 4/1

    Well the weekend went fairly well I guess. Still no urge to PMO. Libido seems to be reaching a more normal state. Everything seems to be leveling out and not being very remarkable, unlike in the early days of the reboot-- I remember in the first week having strong morning wood but then a very deflated skin sack; very high giddy moods followed by grumpy depression. Now things are just... eh. In many ways I'm feeling a lot like I did before my reboot only without any signs of benefits at this moment.

    I'm also getting a first hand look at how rebooting is not linear, as it relates to the sex with my wife. At first it seemed that I had quickly found a new vitality and youthful, healthy lovemaking. But the weekend was more blasé, in fact I even blamed my loss of potency on just doing it too much. Whenever we get together, I always start out nice and hard, but the softness and delayed ejac crap is coming back...

    Anyway, Friday night I got pretty drunk, she drank a little with me too, at home, then we went to bed and after about an hour of various activities, I finally threw in the towel and admitted my failure. Of course, being drunk didn't help, and maybe that caused my impotence. But it was disheartening anyway, as I felt that this crap was behind me now.

    So to test, Saturday morning I approached her when we woke up, and was finally able to perform with about 2/3 the ED and DE I had before my reboot. Even though I succeeded, this level of dysfunction was still depressing. Oh well, I chalk it up to the lingering alcohol and trying too hard/mental anxiety.

    Lying in bed Sunday morning, I have a few boners thinking about doing her again, and decide to see if she wants it. So, she feels around and seeing that it's available, she goes for it. And after a lesser problem, maybe 1/3 as bad as pre-reboot, things end well. So I'm pretty happy to succeed again, but not pleased to still be facing the soft erections and DE.

    I guess this is the reality of ... reality. Regular life just isn't as jacked up and over-the-top thrilling as porn portrays it to be. I never really thought of that before, and it makes me a little nervous that a large chunk of fun is missing now. I guess the porn was a way to make things seem a little more zestful for a while, and my whole perspective got skewed to that. Now I'm getting worried that eventually I will end up with just a boring routine sex life without the zing and fireworks porn provided, and become just a sexless old man. Oh well, better than being an oversexed old pervert I guess... :-\

    Day 21 - Monday 4/2

    3 weeks. Woo hoo. Standard stuff. ???
     
  18. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    I think reality will be a lot more fun once we're truly rid of this poison and the damage it's done to our brains.

    However, for me, I'd rather have a boring sex life than be a PMO addict. Still, I don't think you'll stay bored if you complete the reboot....
     
  19. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Thanks spinergy for your regular support, I appreciate it.

    And I agree with you 100%

    Day 22 - Tuesday 4/3

    Basically a normal day in the life of my reboot, nothing too hairy to report. Some morning wood today, about 80%.

    Getting more of the random vague thoughts of porn floating through my mind, but not too bad to deal with. Nowhere near an urge to PMO, that is still not even in the arena of battle.

    I am, however, starting to have some serious arguments with my little lizard-brain buddy about watching some "innocent" R-rated movies hoping for boob shots, or searching YouTube clips for whatever is titillating... the little bastard keeps telling me "that's not really porn" but my rational brain knows all too well that one toe dipped into the edge of the softcore surf quickly leads to being ripped and dragged across the rocky ocean floor of XXX porn by a raging tsunami of uncontrollable dopamine.


    Whew. The real battle still lies ahead some ways off. It's not too bad sitting here in camp with pleny of food and nothing too threatening, miles from the front lines. But I can hear the distant thud of artillery, and I know that it's coming for me...




    Yeah, I'm afraid.



    Can I really go another week -- another month -- a year -- without looking at porn??? :-\
     
  20. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    It's better to argue with the lizard brain than to beat the lizard.


    Of course you're afraid. So am I. We're all afraid because we realize that we're up against a powerful enemy, that we've lost most of our battles with that enemy so far, and that if we don't start winning battles we'll lose the war.

    But we know that "The real hero is the man who fights even though he is scared." -- Patton
     

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