297 Day Streak in Jeopardy

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Lentax2, Jul 20, 2021.

  1. Lentax2

    Lentax2 New Member

    Hi everyone,

    So I'm 32, and like many people here, I started watching porn at a young age, around 11. I won't detail my whole story here, but it includes many of the typical features of porn addiction. I had severe ED which, still, I do not believe I have recovered from. This has caused many embarrassing moments in my life, losses of potentially superb partners, and a whole host of mental issues and neuroses from the damage to my self-esteem. I also suffered from social and general anxiety too, on a scale which led me to identify as a person who I now know I am distinct from. A whole host of other developmental issues arose from this which I could go into detail on.

    And yet, though I had an inkling these issues were linked to porn and masturbation, I didn't connect the dots until, in 2013, I discovered and decided to try NoFap. I managed 90 days, and it radically transformed my life; I went from being unemployed, and not having had a girlfriend since my university days, to being relatively confident with women and entering a relationship. I was more confident, I felt calmer, I radiated a different energy. But, unfortunately, it wasn't enough.

    I have been in a cycle of long streaks, and then porn-induced relapses, since this time. I've established good control - we're talking about 3-4 relapses per year, 50% to porn, 50% to lower grade porn, such as topless glamour models. I've listened to YBR Radio on repeat for several years, to reinforce the principles in myself and maintain motivation. Relapse always starts with a peek; then, I begin to think I cannot live without this beauty in front of me, and forget about the extreme damage it has inflicted on me over the years. And before I know it, I'm post-relapse, filled with shame, often having lost a 100+ day streak. It shows me the vulnerability I have, after thinking, repeatedly, that I have overcome this after a long streak.

    And this is, in a very real way, what just happened today. I had a "gradual ramping up", as Apeman/Jack from the YBR Radio podcast said, in the last few days. It started with girls that I knew, that I thought I might have a realistic chance with, and Instagram was always the mechanism by which I viewed them. I then progressed to an extremely attractive glamour model, and then many more glamour models, before I thought I would open up a porn video, but not actually watch the highly explicit, sexual content - to settle on the 'star' in the pre-sex part of the video. I had no intention of ejaculation; and yet, it happened, without a direct preceding touch. I later got tempted again, and the same thing happened, to the same video. This is 297 days after my last voluntary ejaculation.

    I was, and am, disgusted with myself. Though I know better, it feels like all of my progress is gone. Although some of you may criticise this, I am not going to reset my counter, because I cannot bear the emotional pain of doing so and because, through all of this, I did not technically watch pornography. To make this hundreds of times worse, I am ashamed that this happened on work time, in my desk at home (I work from home), where an accident could have led to me being on camera with colleagues in the act. Thankfully, this was not the case.

    I desperately want to quit this awful addiction, and feel like a failure. I would welcome any support and advice you have. I know one thing though, from this experience and the others - quitting porn is not enough. Consistent with the advice of Gary Wilson, I must avoid *all* artificial stimulation, including women I know, where I potentially have prospects. I am determined to remember this day as a silly mistake, and not the beginning of a process that ultimately undermines my recovery.
     
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Stay strong, even in the chaser. You know what’s at stake.

    You are not a failure! If you believe that, you make it your identity and you act accordingly. You’re a man on the right path that got caught in a trap and fell down. Now don’t stay down. Get up! Keep walking the right path. You’ll get there. You have more knowledge now on how to avoid the trap next time. :)

    Stay strong and be blessed. I hope this helps!

    Jesus loves you man.
     
  3. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Hey man,

    297 is impressive, you can be proud of yourself. What you wrote reminds me of Guts, who used to be active here. He had severe PIED and eventually managed to heal, despite relapsing once or twice every year. In his case, isolated relapses did not ruin his progress. You should read his thread:

    https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/recovering-from-severe-pied.116477/

    Keep your head up, get back on the horse, and it will all be fine. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2021
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  4. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Late to this, but no way is your whole progress gone. No way.
     

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