28/M: 100 days to reclaim my alphaness and enjoy my 20s [Day 100]

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ginguskhan, Jun 14, 2012.

  1. Ginguskhan

    Ginguskhan "You are either all in or all out" -HS Track Coach

          • 28 YO Male Caucasian, PhD Graduate Research student
          • HT: 5"10, WT: 160, Body Fat = 8-9%, 100yrd: 12.5, Vertical: 25"
          • Xfit style Weightlifting @1hr for 2-3x per week, Powerlifting 2x per week, Wind Sprints, Swimming, Basketball @ 30-45 min, ~80% max HR, 5-6x per week
          • ~3K calorie diet:Fats15%:protein20%:ComplexCarbs55% SimpleCarbs10% with 5-7 servings of various raw fruit/veggies
          • Drugs:
            • Alcohol: Average 1 drink per week to month.
            • Caffeine: every morning, as tea.
            • No cigarettes in >9 years, but I smoke the occasional cannabis 'blunt'.
            • THC: At least once before bed but sometimes I have a "very stony day" and administer every 2-4 hours. Note, I take 30-60 days off at least once per 2 years for complete CB1 receptor repopulation
            • Kava: If I have it, which is rare. I like to take it every night, with 1 moderate dose before bed.
            • Kratom: 2x/week at 0.5-0.6g (same dose since I started, no tolerance development with this amount/time)

          • Porn use: 8-9 years of 1-3x per day with MO @ ~5-20 minutes per session, but I would binge during stressful times and do 6x+ per day watching sometimes for 30min+. However, I have never watched porn without MO, it doesn't interest me and I feel 'wrong' when i 'just watch'. I have definitely noticed an escalation over the years, as I started with pictures, softcore videos, hardcore to at the peak of this I was watching gangbangs, blowbangs and bukakke to get off. Whenever I was done, I would have to turn it off immediately because of how disgusting it was when not fapping. I still can't believe I had let myself get to that point.
          • Symptoms: Extreme Social anxiety/fear, ADHD, insomnia, trouble focusing, lack of motivation, apathy, numbness, feelings of helplessness/loneliness, Zero sex drive: complete lack of interest in real women, loss of ability to communicate with members of the opposite sex and strangers

          PMO background:
          In highschool, with maxxed out T and very little PMO I did great....I was so popular I was on my high school homecoming court and could get nearly any girl I wanted back then. In fact, when I went to Prom my date surprised me with a threesome with another date! Then came Undergrad....where I had access to broadband internet in my own room. A few months after I moved away to UTexas at Austin my girlfriend cheated on me, and the wake of a long distance relationship break-up brought about my demise. For years, I have noticed that when I go out to the bar scene, I have gradually lost the desire to interact with women. I failed to make the PMO connection, but in hindsight I realize that as I watched increasingly 'sick' porn I had increasing social anxiety and a decrease in a willingness to connect to others. At first, I would only approach women I would be willing to bring home (early 20's), then steadily I stopped approaching all together once I got to graduate school (23+). However, women would still approach me and my social awkwardness would repel them. The end result being that I felt horrible. My friends would say, "Dude, that HOT girl practically threw herself at you......WTF is wrong man, you know you should be on your way home with her." And all I could think was: go get treated for social anxiety/ADHD, when really I needed to figure out WTF was causing these symptoms, so that I could fix the issue at the source!

          In the past, I have had substance abuse problems. I have defeated nicotine, THC and alcohol addiction on the first attempt, cold turkey and without supervision. Although I have tried many hard drugs, I chose not to use them with any degree of frequency, as I didn't want to risk physical dependance which can trump any degree of willpower.
          About 6 months ago, I thought the above symptoms were due to too much substance abuse (marijuana, kava, kratom, caffeine, and occasional mescaline & LSD) , so I abstained from everything psychoactive for 2 months. Although I noticed my head cleared up a little, in the end I still couldn't approach women nor even hold eye contact. Furthermore, looking back I realized that during that time I was PMOing every chance I could get. Binge mode to the max, maybe 2-6x per day. Sometimes even being late to lab because I felt the need to PMO.

          After "sobering up" and coming to the realization that just about all of my symptoms were still present, I began to slip into a deep depression. I started to live life as if there were no chance I could ever get anywhere with a single woman on this planet. I ended up dreading the weekends and mostly trying to find excuses to not 'go out' with my friends because everytime I went out I would attract women who I wanted to take home and I'd approach, but I was so messed up in the head from PMO that my weirdness would just drive them away. I felt as if I would never have a woman in my life again, eventhough I sometimes would have women (7+) approaching me! Apparently, I had become a social deviant through some means unknown to me and the thought that I had no ability to change was slowly eating the life out of me.

          THEN! I watched a TED talk that eventually led me to yourbrainonporn.com and after viewing the materials and reading the research journal articles (yes I understand them without a secondary reference) I realized PMO was what was making me an amotivated AFC.

          After reading the materials on "yourbrainonporn.com" yesterday I realized that PMO has been the source of my problems all along....so its time to change and rediscover my LONG lost confidence, alphaness and sex drive. When I make a decision to not do something, I would rather castrate myself than go back on my decision and betray myself. So here it goes:

          Day 1 (6/13/12, Overall Feeling Rating: 3): No cravings nor anything out of the ordinary, until I went to bed and I couldn't sleep. I wanted to M or better yet PM, but I didn't. Finally passed out due to exhaustion and smoking a threshold dose of THC.
          Day 2 (6/14/12, Overall Feeling Rating: 3): Woke up today for the first time in weeks with morning wood. Usually only happens once a month or so. Lasted for 5 minutes, but now I can't get it up unless I think about porn scenes. I'm having porn scene flashbacks every few minutes if I'm idle and I have an incredible urge to PM. This is like no other addiction I have faced: the combination of psychological and psychological drive to PM is the toughest I have faced to date. Now that I am aware, the addiction is no longer veiled. Mentally though, I am very optimistic and curious about what I will be like without PMO in my life. I can't wait to have real women in my life again....

          GOAL: No PMO for 90 days. If I manage to get real sex in between here and there, should I do it? Or should I get her off, but not myself? Please comment....
          P.S. I also have 2 dates this weekend, for the first time in 5 years!
  2. Chicago

    Chicago New Member

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11/12)

    My plan is to go at least 45 days with no orgasms at all. If I have sex after that point and feel good, then I'll continue with sex.

    But I have read that people got set back even with having sex during their reboot.

    I think you should give your body and mind a rest before having sex, personally.
  3. Ginguskhan

    Ginguskhan "You are either all in or all out" -HS Track Coach

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11/12)

    Bad news:
    I woke this morning at 72 hours and I gave in to M followed by O, with no porn, nor thoughts of porn. I focused on various women I have had experiences with in the past, switching often amongst the various encounters. Case-in-point the Coolidge effect :( In the end, I rationalized it was ok to crank it this morning, since to my knowledge at that point no one had commented on my journal; accordingly, I figured that I didn't actually have a problem and so I should just do it (thanks for commenting Chicago!):

    However, it was not at all enjoyable...normally I feel so damn good for a few seconds im on cloud 9 and can't keep the eyes open. This time, just felt 'ok' then the cloudyness, weakness/betaness, lethargy, shame and guilt set in. I feel so crappy physically and psychologically for breaking my word....but goddammnit this is fucking hard.

    Good news:
    No Porn. Thoughts of porn are only occasional now, maybe a one to a few times an hour. I approached two women at a spring I was swimming in yesterday and felt a little more comfortable than when I normally approach. Didn't have the balls to get their number though....I know I will though once I'm rebooted

    Good call Chicago....its like my track coach used to say: "You are either all in or all out"
  4. Ginguskhan

    Ginguskhan "You are either all in or all out" -HS Track Coach

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11)...relapse now 6/16-9/14

    Well, today marks the new starting point of the 90 day challenge.

    No excuses....no PMO...90 days.

    My dick is limp, unless I have a porn flashback. No drive after four days of no P. Feeling worse than when i started.....I'm gearing up to feel the pits of this beast I've developed. I will conquer this.

    There's no more logic behind denial now, my mind is corrupted, my body is not functioning optimally for a potential lady, and this 'evil' porn has done to me must be purged.

    Nice day: Time to bike a trail near my house and get some weightlifting in. That will keep me away from the PMO and get me closer to my goal of pleasing actual women again!
  5. xman

    xman New Member

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11/12)

    Thanks for the great read dude.

    Persistance is the key - which you know anyway.

    I've found it a great help to;

    1) Break down my major goals into minor goals, 7, 14, 30, 60 then 90 days.

    2) Attach postive emotions and images to rebooting, and attach negative images and emotions to PMO.

    We're rooting for you.
  6. Chicago

    Chicago New Member

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11/12)

    Don't worry about the relapse, man.

    I relapse literally less than 2 days after I started. Right after, I honestly felt like that was it. It kinda hit me and I told myself, "well I guess that was it." As you saw in my journal, I'm a week in after that point.

    Just let your motivation be stronger than your urges can ever be.
  7. Ginguskhan

    Ginguskhan "You are either all in or all out" -HS Track Coach

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11/12)

    Thanks for reading xman! #1) I used to do that during races, pick a point 200 yard ahead and tell myself no matter what I can make it to there and then 'leapfrog' points until the race is over: good strategy. Although, I am starting to think that if a 'metamophosis" happens at the end of this challenge and I am once once again showered with women....FUCK PORN: I'm done with this porn induced mental-sexual obstacle for life.
    As for #2: The relapse made me attach negative emotions to PMO. I will start saying over and over to myself that this journey will be worthwhile, as I need to do positive reinforcement for the goal at hand. Good point: this is key since negative reinforcement alone is not good....you gotta have something positive to look forward to.
    **Thanks for the inspirational video clip on your signature.....I watched it this morning when my PMO urges were to the point I was ready to gnaw off my left hand to physically prevent myself from this destructive behavior. I will watch it every morning:


    Good call: I think 1 relapse is needed, because at least for me I was still in denial that I actually had a PMO addiction/problem prior to that. Its cool our reboots are synchronized and include a one relapse....you better not let me catch up!
  8. Ginguskhan

    Ginguskhan "You are either all in or all out" -HS Track Coach

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11)...relapse, now 6/16-9/14

    Start of Day 3:

    Dick is lifeless, mood is ok today. Had a great workout yesterday. I also felt a tiny hint of my 'drive' last night after hanging out with some friends, including a woman who is very outspoken about her love for sex. She constantly was talking about how she craves sex and after she left I felt a Tiny tiny T induced rush. I believe that once Im rebooted I will feel a strong rush of T and libido in that situation immediately....not that I want to hook up with her (She's a '6' and her B/f is my friend), but I should have some response to actual female stimuli.

    A few weeks ago I went downtown solo and a hot girl (8.5) on the bus kept saying stuff to draw attention to her. In the end, she faced my direction and said "I love sex....this is a game....a game called clue." Golden opportunity, but the lack of a T rush/libido made my self-consciousness take over, resulted in my betaness and me not approaching.
  9. xman

    xman New Member

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11)...relapse, now 6/16-9/14

    Dude :eek:... see what PMO did to you?... remember that for motivation.
  10. Ginguskhan

    Ginguskhan "You are either all in or all out" -HS Track Coach

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11)...relapse, now 6/16-9/14

    Good call xman:
    Positive emotion: Everyday I don't PMO is one day closer to reclaiming my alpha status and then I will never let another girl down 8)
    Negative: PMO results in a mentally weak beta state ---> I don't get laid. :mad:

    There's no stopping me now! Eventhough my dick is still lifeless, I actually felt slightly motivated and faintly happy while I was working at the lab today. Perhaps the 7 days of no PMO, albeit one M only relapse has resulted in some dopamine receptor D2 repopulation. I can't wait until my dopamine D2 count is restored and I am happy just to be alive.
  11. Ginguskhan

    Ginguskhan "You are either all in or all out" -HS Track Coach

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11)...relapse, now 6/16-9/14

    Start of Day 4:

    I couldn't sleep last night, despite pushing myself hard in the weighroom with a Xfit routine of DL, Push-ups, pull up and jump rope continuously for 5 sets, weighted dips and 3 tricep isolations. I woke this morning physically tired but mentally energized. I've decided I will delay the lab work, take a shot of kratom, do some wind sprints on the practice field and a chest/arms power day in the weightroom. Then I will goto lab and give it my all.

    I got morning wood again this morning that lasted briefly and at '3/4 mast'. I'm glad there are signs of life down there.
    Mood is average/ok. I am starting to realize that this PMO addiction has put me into a constant depressed state, so this is just the normal everyday. When I watched xman's champion video this morning I started to cry, eventhough it is supposed to pump you up. I believe this is the porn induced betaness that is coming to the surface and slowly being purged from my body and mind.

    Another positive about this hellish journey is that for once I feel alive. I haven't cried nor felt any significant emotions in years. I felt dull and lifeless prior to now. Eventhough its uncomfortable emotional feelings, at least I feel something to tell myself I am alive.

    "Any worthwhile journey is not easy"
  12. Ginguskhan

    Ginguskhan "You are either all in or all out" -HS Track Coach

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11)...relapse, now 6/16-9/14

    Start of Day 5 no PMO:

    -I can count the number of times I think about porn each day on one hand now!
    -I ENJOY listening and contributing to 1on1 and group discussions, social and professional.
    - The past 2 days upon waking, I feel very energized and ready to conquer the day. Yesterday, I felt like I could squat/DL 400+ or maybe just rip a mountain out of the earth. No doubt, more energized in less than a week than compared to when I took off from my psychoactive use.
    -Morning wood again! This time at full mast for several minutes.

    Towards the end of the day yesterday and this morning I feel moody. Manageable though, mostly sad mixed with anger.
    Dick is still lifeless during the day to actual female stimuli :(
    No drive
    Still can't hold eye contact nor act normal around hot women (8+)

    The cravings are very manageable at this point....no where near the intensity of a nicotine addiction IMHO. Whenever I feel a craving, I now feel empowered each time I resist the urge, because I feel much more 'in control' of my bodily urges and I believe this to be the source of the mental strength that I am starting to witness in the intensity of my workouts.

    I pushed myself harder than I have in years during the Wind sprints and shoulder/chest workout yesterday. I did 90 lbs on each arm on seated plate-loaded overhead press and 65lbs @ 5x8 incline DB press with perfect form: both are PRs (personal records)! I feel so damn good when working out now, as compared to the start. Also, the Kratom I took seemed to have more positive effects despite the fact that there is no direct interaction with Dopamine D2 Receptor or DeltaFOSb. Perhaps, my baseline is improving thus the effects of the added psychoactive are that much better.
  13. Ginguskhan

    Ginguskhan "You are either all in or all out" -HS Track Coach

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11)...relapse, now 6/16-9/14

    Start of Day 6 no PMO:

    Couldn't sleep last night, despite copious THC and Kava administration. Was not surprising since I didn't workout yesterday and that usually means I will have trouble sleeping. Today though I will be able to workout so hopefully I can catch some rest.
    No morning wood, Dick is unresponsive. Mood fluctuates often. Had a few porn flashbacks yesterday, about 3 cravings....ALL DEFEATED!

    Boxers and martial artists will abstain from PMO leading up to a fight to improve focus, concentration, aggression, toughness, tirelessness and kickassness.
  14. Ginguskhan

    Ginguskhan "You are either all in or all out" -HS Track Coach

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11)...relapse, now 6/16-9/14

    Start of Day 7 no PMO:

    Yesterday I received a call from a female representative of "Diamond Enterprises." She said I had indicated that I liked adult materials. After some research, I found that from my playboy subscription had resulted in those whores selling my contact information to Diamond Enterprises. I told them I was giving up pornography because "with all due respect I believe porn has ruined the best years of my life and I want to be Porn free until I can at least talk to attractive women again." She said "sorry to bother you" and hang up.

    I had a dream last night that I masturbated and the resulting load was so large I filled my bathtub and it became a local attraction and eventually a national historic place. I awoke with an incredible craving, which I gave into cranking for a few minutes, then I stopped way before O. So still staying strong. 0 porn, no Os and no cheating.

    Energy level is high despite horrible sleep patterns. Mood is lacking, mostly I just feel empty like someone died, or I forgot to do something that is important (like PMOing ::)) I had an erection at random yesterday, and it was not porn flashback induced.

    Im tougher than tough....I got this
  15. Ginguskhan

    Ginguskhan "You are either all in or all out" -HS Track Coach

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11)...relapse, now 6/16-9/14

    Start of Day 8 no PMO:

    Flatline is the word. I fell dull, hollow and emotionless. Motivation and sex drive are a foreign concept. I took Kratom before yesterday's workout and I "never got into it." I had to consciously push myself at everystage of the sprint and weightlifting routine, much different than the past few days. Energy level is lower than the initial week off, but certainly better than when I started as a zombie. The one positive is that I am finally starting to sleep better, as I have had dreams the last 2 nights in a row.

    Two key events illustrate the flatlline:
    1) Yesterday we had a minor situation in the lab where an o-ring was damaged when a CO2 tank was changed. Accordingly, we couldn't connect the new tank up to our cell incubator.and all our cells were at risk! The lab tech wisely proceeded to fix the leak with teflon tape, against the post-doc's wishes who was convinced we had to wait until we had an mannufacturer's specification o-ring. The lab tech tells the post-doc to "back off" and she goes to her desk and begins to CRY!
    Then I walk to the neighboring lab to see if they use o-rings on their tank and if they have an extra one. After this the post doc run up and confronts me: barely managing to squeeze out her words in tears she manages to tell me, " you are an IDIOT, an IDIOT for asking them about the o-ring, because I already did that. Do you have an idea how this looks?!?!?". The irony of the situation was almost unbearable, but my flatline state resulted in me just looking at her blankly. She eventually walked away and stormed out of the lab for the day. Usually that would phase me to say the least, since she does have some say with my adviser/boss.
    Minutes later, the lab tech repairs the connection between the 2-stage regulator and the CO2 tank. I thank him.
    2) I went to the gym, but it was closed. This was at the same time as another female graduate student, who I initiated a conversation with (wow, not the typical me). She was very friendly, animated and playful. I read the body language, lots of smiles, eye contact and while at first we were talking at a distance she actually got physically closer as the conversation ensued. I inched closer as well during the conversation. However, at a certain point she introduced herself. I realized I was acting pretty beta up until this point, so I ended the conversation, she said she hoped to see me around and I agreed. So basically, still no drive....I should have gotten a number or something out of this situation. However, I think my lizard brain is still holding me back....it tells me, "no need to risk yourself with this female, go home and you can have any woman or women you want, doing anything you want with the effort level of mouse clicking."
  16. I-AM-A-MAN

    I-AM-A-MAN I Vow to Never Take Another Peek

    Re: 28/Male: 90 days and I'm a man again (6/13-9-11)...relapse, now 6/16-9/14

    whoa man! That is crazy. Porn is trying to come through your phone and get ya!

    good for you. that is a strong reminder that you need to get away from this stuff. stay strong my friend! You are doing great.
  17. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: 28/M: 90 days to find my alphaness 6/16-9/14

    That lady from the Diamond Enterprises must've been really pissed when you told her you were done with porn lol :p I wouldn't care, because your life is more important to you than adult materials, anyway. Good call man!
  18. Ginguskhan

    Ginguskhan "You are either all in or all out" -HS Track Coach

    Re: 28/M: 90 days to find my alphaness 6/16-9/14

    Thanks man! I'm in the flatline, so I need all the encouragement I can get.

    Crazy indeed, next thing I know the doors lock, porn begins to seep in through the cracks in my man cave and I can't escape.....lol. And you are exactly right....I have come to realize PMO triggers are everywhere in my life. I gotta get this trash out of my life. I'm gonna delete the porn archive in a few minutes :(

    Thanks and right on Brother! I will continue to resist PMO at every step of the 90 day journey. Actually, she sounded upset because I believe she questioned her entire existence, as she is the pointwoman to 'trick' guys into subscribing to porn materials via a semi-false promise of "free porn" materials (you have to pay for the subsciption porn materials before you get the 'free materials'.). Essentially, she gets into your pocketbook by means of exploiting your PMO addiction....its amazing to see this now for what it is, now that my head is out of the PMO fog.

    Start of Day 9 no PMO:

    Still at a flatline. Morning wood upon waking and lasted for a good 10 minutes before it subsided. Emotionless. I don't even have the motivation to PMO. Its a nasty day outside, so Ill be hanging around the place all day....resisting the occasional urge to PMO. I do have a lot of projects to do today: 112g Maeng Da Kratom extraction, clean colt python, clean house, etc.

    After reading I-AM-A-MAN's journal I have decided to delete my porn archive on my PC....Well there goes 35.5GB of stuff that has been bringing me down. DONE!

    Still haven't put porn filters on my computer, as I prefer to have a feeling of freedom at all times. I'd rather know that I can control myself over this addiction, rather than physically restrain myself from it ---> Freedom and self-discipline are some of my core values
  19. Ginguskhan

    Ginguskhan "You are either all in or all out" -HS Track Coach

    Re: 28/M: 90 days to reclaim my alphaness 6/16-9/14

    Day 10 no PMO:

    Flatline. Didn’t even have the motivation/energy to PMO, though I would think about PMOing a few times an hour.

    Day 11 no PMO:

    Finally starting to show signs of life, as I believe I am beginning to emerge out of the “hole” (Flatline). I have brief moments of optimism, confidence and general sense of well-being; however, I am at a flatline other than that. No response to actual female stimuli, but starting to finally be able to talk comfortably in social settings.

    I have noticed also noticed a “calming of the storm.” I feel like anxious and more clear headed at times. I feel more at peace with myself now, this is the feeling I like when I take a benzodiazepine, only I am feeling this now because it is the natural state, after from removing the PMO mind pollution.

    Sprint/Lifting routine went ok. I had to push myself 50% of the time, but for stretches of 10 minutes at a time, I would feel great physically and mentally. I am looking forward to weeks 2 and 3, where I consistently feel good once the dopamine D2 population is restored.

    NO PMO! :D
  20. Ginguskhan

    Ginguskhan "You are either all in or all out" -HS Track Coach

    Re: 28/M: 90 days to reclaim my alphaness 6/16-9/14

    Day 12 no PMO:

    Identical to Day 11. Ok, I think I have had enough of this, I am ready to emerge out of the flatline. Hopefully soon.... :-\

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