26-year old virgin with long history of PMO/MO-abuse - rewiring adventures

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by xburnerphonex, Sep 26, 2016.

  1. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Hello, new here, I'll try to keep this brief as possible, though this most likely will turn into a wall of text. Regardless, please hear me out.

    Been at PMO since 11-12, sometimes more frequent, sometimes less frequent; tried to quit a couple of times for moral/religious reasons, but just couldn't. I'm currently a 23 old virgin, I come from a religious family where intercourse is only acceptable close to / after marriage, but nonetheless I got roped into PMO habits due to teenage idiocy. Was into "regular" hardcore and some animated stuff (vanilla hentai), however never indulged in extreme fetishes or anything of the sort; also did it mostly once a day, sometimes once a week and there were even periods of absence from PMO. However, I did, what I've later learned is referred to as, a lot of edging before going to sleep without giving it much thought and abuse the death grip along with prone position.

    Later got accepted into med school at the age of 18 which put some pressure on me, as I became extremely anxious about failing pending exams. Since I am pretty introverted and I didn't have any females in my social circle that I felt like pursuing, I continued to PMO as "stress release"; though there were stretches where I wasn't resorting to it, mainly during exams.

    Eventually, one problem solved itself - five years later, I have successfully passed all my med school exams and have been enjoying summer vacation before my final year and change at med school.

    Around August/September I've realized that I haven't been really "feeling" PMO lately and decided that this was a good point to stop a habit I wanted to kick anyway. Through random browsing I stumbled onto the NoFap subreddit, read the wiki, was sold on the concept and joined the "program" 2 weeks ago - 90 days for starters, "hard mode", so no PMO and no edging. Little did I know at the time, that instead of fighting incredible urges to PMO, I would go...

    ...straight into a 2 week flatline with no libido - my junk shrunk (in addition to which I occasionally experience mild genital discomfort), my balls bloated, got one random erection after a week (without context), morning wood maybe once or twice (which I had every morning back when I was edging), but that's it. Though this does make abstaining from PMO really easy, I'm terrified about the fact that I may have PIED. To clarify, I have not done the PIED test that YBOP recommends, but considering that I'm now 2 weeks into rebooting and I'm experiencing flatline symptoms, 1) I want to continue my streak (my first milestone being 90 days, see more on that down below); 2) don't feel like finding out or "checking if everything's okay down there" as that has been said to slow rebooting progress.

    The first 2 weeks of rebooting I decided to read up on some material about flatline, eventually stumbled on YBOP articles and discovered Gabe Deem's videos, which have been very informational as well as hugely inspirational and lead me to concocting a recovery plan. I should mention, I'm not "in a hurry", I'm not the womanizer type who wants to bang chicks left and right, but I do very much want to experience intimacy with a future fiancee/eventual wife - and the thought of not being able to do so in the future terrifies me.

    I am fortunate however to have discovered this problem at this stage in my life - I have ample time to recover and then some to rewire, because I'm not yet done with studies (I have 2-3 semesters left at med school) and I most likely won't be pursuing a relationship until I've completed med school - I will be 25 by then; coincidentally that will be around 12-18 months if I manage uphold my streak, around the time it took Gabe Deem to fully recover.

    So here's my plan summed up: I'll be working at various hospitals as part of my final year for the next 9-12 months which essentially allows me to go into "monk mode", i.e. hard mode (no PMO) plus, if possible, no arousal (as mentioned in the infamous post by The Underdog). During this time I have to socialize with people almost constantly (due to the nature of hospital work) and the daily routine will take my mind off of potential problems "down there". Aside from med school related stuff, I have lined up a number of activities to keep me busy such as continuing to work out (I already go to the gym 4 times a week), finally learning how to competently play guitar (something I've been "half-assedly" attempting for years), socialize more with friends, generally spending more time outside, getting into reading, etc.

    Furthermore, I have also decided to implement a cold shower regime (on it already), fast in accordance to Church calendar, organize my day so that I sleep the recommended 8 hours per day, alleviate procrastination and, this is key, also mostly stop looking at any porn addiction related resources (I realized in the past 2 weeks that thinking about it excessively probably only hinders progress, even though reading up on it definitely helped cope with the struggles) - instead of refreshing a progress tracking badge every day, I've set up calendar reminders every 90 days or so to keep me going, in a format similar to this:

    • 90 days = first step
    • 180 days = noticeable changes?
    • 270 days = Gabe's recovery
    • 360 days = almost a year!
    • 450 days = Gabe's full recovery
    • 540 days = reboot successful? -> time to rewire?

    (To clarify, I'm not crazy about Gabe Deem - his story just happens to be very inspiring and similar to mine in some aspects.) Every time I hit one of these milestones, I intend to write up my experiences and noticeable changes so far. I've spanned out these milestones for the duration of 18 months in preparation for the worst, though I do hope deep down inside that it won't take me that long to recover. Depending on progress and a variety of other factors, I intend to start "rewiring" (however long that may take) around the 15-18 months mark, right around the time I am set to be done with med school. I'm fine with waiting this long to rewire - my parents got married relatively late, so I don't feel the need to be engaged to anybody before 27-28 which gives me another 2-3 years to rewire after rebooting. I don't have much to say about the rewiring part of the plan currently, as 1) it entirely depends on the progress with rebooting; 2) you can't really force or predict such things.

    I didn't mention anything about relapse as I'm currently flatlining, but I've already made up my mind - I'm not going back to PMO, even if the urges return. (Frankly, I very much wish my natural libido would return, because flatline is depressing.) Realizing now that I've been depriving myself of the human connection I've always longed for and coming to know the effects on my body that my "stress relief" has had over the years, not only have made me feel deeply ashamed of myself and my actions, but also made me realize that if will not be able to satisfy my future wife on a physical level, then I will never achieve true happiness - that's where there the buck stops for me, I want my normal libido back and I'm going to reclaim it! I can actually be a fairly determined guy all things considered, as I've already successfully dealt with similar issues in the past, such as dropping weight through extreme fasting and exercise, for example - so I do believe that I'm at least capable of change. (Excuse the pathos, but that is really how I feel about things currently.)

    Anyway, that pretty much is my story so far - here's hoping I'm not a lost cause and not as severe of a case as I imagine myself to be. I'm pretty sure that uni will take my mind off these things as soon as it starts, but, for the time being, typing out my situation and sharing it in this fashion definitely helped me come to terms with this problem - I would very much appreciate if somebody could take the time to evaluate my situation and/or give advice on my plan (even though I know it's nigh impossible due to everybody having different starting conditions). I'll probably check this thread the next week or so (along with listening to Gary Wilson's radio show on the topic) and will then return to report progress at the 90 day mark.

    Aside from that, I do have several questions about rebooting, so any guidance on these would also be highly appreciated:

    1) Any tips on avoiding fantasy?

    I assume this issue will largely alleviate itself once I start working at uni, but I thought I'd ask about this anyway; while I have no desire to PMO, the problem is that I envision various situations for brief seconds similar to scenarios to the ones from the explicit material I've been consuming over the years - I dismiss them by saying "stop" to myself and trying to focus on the topic at hand (be it a conversation or a task). My guess is these visions will also pass with time as reboot progresses?

    2) Should I entirely drop caffeine or is just reducing fine?

    While I have never smoked and never drank any alcohol, I actually have a nasty habit of drinking a lot of Coca-Cola (talking up to 2-3 liters per day). I was thinking about reducing it to 0,33 liters per day (already on it) and after I've achieved that, then potentially shifting to only drinking it when going out and/or post-reboot. I do worry however that this might impact my overall wakefulness, but so far cold showers and getting plenty of sleep has been keeping me at bay.

    3) About video games, the internet and computer time in general...

    I tend to spend a lot of time on the internet - I decided as a part of my reboot I will also cut down on browsing, for starters limiting it to work/study-related things (which can be easily accomplished via phone), searching for new music/podcasts (as listening to something when I'm alone significantly helps me cope with withdrawal/anxiety during reboot) and not checking in with social media and/or forum accounts for a while (or at least limiting it to once a day). However, I will still be pursuing a creative hobby which requires me to have a computer at hand - electronic music production; though I will be limiting these activities to 2 hours max and will turn off the internet for these sessions. (I've noticed that I often hoard content related to my hobbies from the internet, but never actually end up doing much of anything with it and just keep refreshing forums.) I also tend to occasionally play video games (mostly into story-driven games or party games with friends; nothing sexual, no achievement-laden multiplayer shooters or anything of the sort), but 1) not nearly as long as I used to back when I was a teen and 2) I almost always play games together with my sibling or with friends, so it in the end becomes a communal activity.

    I guess, my general question is: does this setup seem okay? In short, I'm trying to cut out the "morphine drip" (or is "dopamine drip" more accurate?) of the internet and only use the computer for something productive/creative or as a means to spend time with family/friends.

    4) How to deal with anxiety/nervousness during reboot/flatline?

    I struggle with feelings of anxiety and being nervous in general, but since I've started my reboot I've tackled these personality traits head on by improving eye contact, striving go be more social and generally projecting more confidence; when I'm not around anyone, I tend to listen to music/podcasts or pray to calm myself. Any advice or perhaps self-help material on dealing with anxiety/nervousness in general as well as during the reboot?

    5) General thoughts on no arousal method / trigger material

    After reading up on this, it still remains unclear to me whether I should cut myself off from entertainment altogether - I do not experience cravings to PMO when looking at sexy billboard advertisements, the occasional sexual reference in joke/text/movie dialogue or anything of the sort. If anything, forcing myself to look away when supposed trigger imagery is approaching, reinforces me to remember negative thoughts about my current situation which in turn leads to anxiety and fixated thoughts about how I am trying to quit. Should I really shut myself off from the anything remotely sexy or just limit myself to what I've described above?

    I very much appreciate if you read through the wall of text, but I do understand that most users may not be willing to slog through my diatribe, so here's a quick summary of the perceived pro/contra points regarding my case.

    CONTRA:
    - started early at 11-12 years old
    - virgin / no experience in actual sexual activity
    - death grip / prone position / edging

    PRO:
    + multiple periods of absence from PMO / varying frequency
    + no escalation to extreme material
    + determined to pull through no matter what

    Any advice, answers, encouragement or evaluation would be greatly appreciated! I promise to give detailed feedback every time I hit the milestones above.

    PS: Excuse the repeated posting across multiple forums, but I wasn't sure whether RebootNation or YourBrainRebalanced was more active. On NoFap a similar post of mine was straight up deleted without explanation, so I won't be posting there anymore.
     
  2. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Re: 23 year old virgin with potential PIED - seeking advice / evaluation

    Having experienced some depression/anxiety over the weekend (regarding questions I'm sure many users on this forum are familiar with, like "what have I done to myself?", "why didn't I stop sooner?", "will I ever recover?" etc, etc) and lacking concentration today, I thought I'd unwind by giving a brief update on how I'm doing - I would very much appreciate at least a short response from anybody, as I'm not yet comfortable sharing my struggles with family or friends, even though I will do so in due time (depending on how the progress with my reboot goes).

    At the time of writing this, tomorrow will be my 45th PMO-free day, leaving about another 45 days until completing the first step in my recovery plan in the opening post.

    Progress so far:
    - I now sleep 8 hours in between days (or at least keep it at a 7-hour minimum if I'm very busy); needless to say, this greatly helped in all aspects of life, not limited to rebooting: concentration/wakefulness improved (duh), my overall well-being increased and eliminating procrastination (something I'm still struggling with) has become easier when I know that I have limited time during the day.
    - While we're at the subject of sleep, the first thing I've noticed during my recovery is that dreaming has become much more vivid and memorable which many report is a sign of recovery. I also had a wet dream for the first time in my life, but did not stress over it and also took it as a positive sign of change.
    - Sometime over the past two weeks morning/nocturnal wood (with varying strength, but still!!!) has started returning, to the point where I have to wake up and go to the bathroom to urinate. I don't think I've ever been this happy about such a trivial thing in a while and it definitely helped coping with the aforementioned struggles during reboot. Along with that, the last 2 weeks I've also had some spontaneous semis without context which also brought me similar joy; even though I feel I'm slipping back into flatline currently, I have more confidence than before that I'm maybe not as broken as I assumed to be.
    - I've also successfully reduced my consumption of caffeine (going from 2-4L of Cola to a 0,5L bottle which occasionally I don't even end up consuming) and implemented a cold shower regimen (the later part I found to be a bit of a hassle, but everytime I dread doing it I ask myself "do you want to get back to normal?" which 9 times out of 10 results in me switching the water temperature to cold).
    - I've made strides to be more social: currently mostly with a group I've been comfortable socializing with already, but I'm also determined to become less awkward when it comes to university/work-related interactions and introducing myself to new people - haven't quite gotten the hang of it yet, but I promise to work on that aspect of it.
    - Speaking of work, I (at least partially) contribute my recent progress to "keeping busy"; as uni started, my mind was shifted towards my responsibilities and these "distractions" helped a great deal. I still struggle with worries and fantasy, but I realized that the key to success is to eliminate both of these things and I'm working on it as well.

    Another key thing I realized that PMO abstinence, while necessary, is pretty easy for me, and I feel that I need to strive for more human interaction (especially with women), if ever want to be able to satisfy my future wife which is why I decided to change my original plan a bit and not postpone rewiring until I see significant changes. As an introverted guy being tasked with med school for the past 5 years and resorting to PMO for comfort, I need to catch up on the dating school lessons I've missed out on over the years.

    I have several younger girls in my social environment whose parents are probably all for me not having intercourse with them until marriage or close to that. I used to consider them under my standards [because my standards were messed up due to PMO], but now that they might be my ticket out of this mess, I see them in completely different light. There is no pressure from their part (or for my part for that matter) for sexual activity anytime soon (talking 2-3 years, maybe even 4 years -- I've already mentioned that my parents got married at the "late" age of 28; again, this also depends on how the reboot progresses) and why postpone hugging, kissing, cuddling, if it could potentially get me out of my rut? I experience no cravings for PMO and certainly don't want to return to it; the neural pathways associated with my PMO habits are certain to weaken faster when I engage with the real thing by, basically, force-feeding my brain actual potential mates and thus telling it that this is what it really wants, this is what's important for survival, right?

    I'm basically not ready for sex anyway, since I don't know how to date women, because I haven't in quite some time. Yet while I don't remember exactly when I started to PMO to high-speed (note: my original post says I started PMO at 11-12, but I don't remember when exactly it became regular), I do distinctly remember still feeling stuff down there when I had my first kiss when I was around 18 years old. And I'm getting that feeling back, come hell or high water! So the additional goal among the other stipulations now is to start rewiring with a trusting girl ASAP, the latest being after 90 days. [The only reason I haven't been able to setup a date were time constraints.]

    Anyway, typing all of this out really did make me feel a lot better - provided I don't slip into anxiety/depression as I did this weekend, my next update will be after another 45 days. Thank you for reading another long post of mine, any response or advice would be greatly appreciated.
     
  3. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Though I've had no cravings whatsoever so far, I did fall into a binge of reading various success stories due to anxiety from PMO withdrawal. I couldn't help but compare my circumstances to others and collected a number of stories similar to mine (included below for future reference). I might be overthinking this, but the most successful rebooters with similar circumstances seem to be people who A) abstain from PMO cold turkey or even go as far as monk mode; B) find/have themselves a trusting monogamous partner to rewire with; C) and "build up" their performance whilst abstaining from O and focusing on the sensation, attempting Karezza basically.

    I don't care about ED drugs, ONS, MW, SE or any other relative metrics; all I care about is whether I get aroused by a trusted partner or not. So, my idea currently is to A) try and reduce artificial stimulation as much as possible (including leaving the internet for a good long while, especially these forums - obsessing over the matter probably does more damage than good), B) experience as much non-artificial events as possible to overshadow anything PMO related and C) reducing anything sexual to rewiring with a woman I actually am fond of, whilst avoiding intercourse until "my body is ready".

    Also, I should probably not fixate myself on dates for updating, but I'll be back when I've made actual progress.


    PS: As promised, similar posts to mine---
    + Attachments and other options
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5043.825 (fugu)
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=35157.0 (rebornagain)
    http://www.reuniting.info/comment/88562#comment-88562 (26 yo virgin comment)
    http://yourbrainonporn.com/age-26-10-years-chronic-ed-cured (26 yo virgin reddit)
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=26098.msg434957 (27, chronic ED)
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=12965.0 (gizmo, op)
    http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=2fc3356b8fee6c4a71e34a6e8d45f1eb&topic=5929.0 (24, started young)
    https://m.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/4vhbwc/i_consider_my_self_cured_248d_24yrs/?utm_source=mweb_redirect&compact=true
    http://yourbrainonporn.com/age-24-nofap-cured-my-ed-i-assosiated-sex-fear-and-anxiety-whilst-now-i-assosiate-it-exitement-and
    https://m.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/3uwkkv/ed_cured_thanks_to_nofap/?utm_source=mweb_redirect&compact=true
    http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=9028.0 (UsefulJiji)
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=30745.msg491203#msg491203 (26, virgin)
    https://m.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1awlbx/thoughts_from_an_old_vet_hopefully_some_of_you/ (23, virgin)
    http://yourbrainonporn.com/26-virgin-pied-had-sex-good-erection-condom-and-came
    http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=10161.msg104638#msg104638
    (23, virgin)
    http://yourbrainonporn.com/age-24-after-years-trying-i-have-completed-125-days-nofap-pied-cured-and-my-mood-swings-are-gone (24)
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=11868.0
     
  4. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Hey burner,

    I read most of your writing, good stuff. Keep up the determination to stay abstinent and you will be fine! My only advice - which might help with the anxiety and depression is meditation and looking into Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now (it's available online as a pdf) or some of his Youtube videos. If you read it, you might find it a bit 'woo-woo', but if you can foster the ability to be present (in your encounters with people especially) you'll feel a lot better and more natural - for example, say you're hanging out with a girl and the inner monologue starts judging you, or berating you, "Was my joke that funny? Does she think I'm weird? I wish I didn't have that pimple on my chin..." etc. it's incredibly liberating to break free of that and instead focus on the girl and how she feels, without thinking about it. If you do this, you'll find that nine times out of ten there's no problem. There's just a voice in your head that makes you think there is one...

    Anyway, you're doing all the right things, hope to read more positive results in another 45 days! ;D

    Best wishes,
    Kick
     
  5. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Hey, Kick - greatly appreciate the response and I admire your commitment to daily journaling! Though I did initially promise to update after 90 days, I realized that this could be ultimately self-defeating if there is no progress to report, so I think I'm gonna reduce updates until I see actual progress, which should manifest in bodily responses to actual partners (though I would welcome MW, SE and the like ;D)

    I have a date lined up on Saturday and if all goes well (implying emotional connection as well as attraction, I guess), I'll enter a long-term relationship with her (platonic at first and then we'll see how it goes ;)), even though I do have the ulterior motive of rewiring (I know it sounds horrible, but I don't want to be stuck in flatline limbo like some people here seem to report). If it doesn't work, I'll search for the next one until I find a person I can court for an extensive amount of time, open up about my potential problems and then "get down to business with" 8)

    Ultimately, since abstinence from PMO has been incredibly easy for me, I'm going to go and recondition myself to a normal person ASAP - truth is, deep down in my heart, I'm actually kind of into younger virgins anyway (I have never developed any extreme fetishes; I've always liked breasts though) and have always wanted to limit my intercourse to a person I love and would like to start a family with; though the allure of PMO did eventually catapult my mind into the gutter over the years, I believe the key to recovery (for me at least) is to redefine sexuality for the brain and I thankfully live in a community that would allow me to do that (so kissing/cuddling/all that jazz, before moving through all sorts of bases). Abstinence from PMO is one thing, for sure, but there is no way to regain a healthy perspective on women except for putting yourself out there and, well, interacting with women. From what I've read, libido does not equal the urge to PMO that many are accustomed to; so it's all about reintroducing your brain to the real thing.

    Reading success stories that inevitably succumb to chaser effect and revert back to older habits, frustrated posts regarding lack of progress with MW and SE, accounts of people that are not rewiring taking longer or even rewired people still having to space out their O's made me realize how do or die this whole situation is. In the mildly bastardized words of The Underdog "This is urgent. This is top priority." (His long post is very good read btw which I highly recommend; I'm mostly reinstating a lot of his points.)

    I'm gonna limit internet/computer time for work and I am in the process of downgrading to a dumbphone to eliminate all artificial dopamine drips in my life, basically to revert the desentisation caused by all artificial stimuli - to me, in the grand scheme of things, experiencing intimacy with a trusted partner is more important than any of these things. After all, a year or so away from the internet and all things artificial for a healthy monogamous relationship seems like a good trade off for me.

    And if I feel like I've progressed I can return to the computer when the time comes (not to any of that PMO garbage obvs, eff that ess). I don't care how long it takes, I'm getting myself out of this mess and I'm not giving up without a fight.
     
  6. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Well, I see what the problem is now.

    Was excited the entire morning to go on the first date in years, went to the gym beforehand, got dressed, all that jazz, then finally it happened - we went to a museum, had a nice conversation, went for a walk, I brought her home and that was the end of it. Unfortunately, she was not my type lookwise and I decided to keep a tab on her as a friend. I could've probably offered her to be a cuddle buddy, but felt like that would be taking advantage of her, so decided against it. I still believe it was a valuable lesson that I reminded my brain of how reality is.

    All of this made me realize why I've been using PMO as a substitute for a romantic relationship and why I've never been interested in chasing girls. Every date I go on, the outcome is either 1) I like her personality, but I don't find her attractive; 2) I find her attractive, but I don't jive with her personality. PMO conveniently allowed me to sidestep the prelude and jump straight into the action that my primal brain craves for. So, effectively, I need to date a bunch of women until I find someone that I'm emotionally attached and physically attracted to (preferably sexually unexperienced), date/court her and then introduce intercourse when the time is right (repeating myself, sorry about that) - I need to become an "asexual" cherry-picking womanizer (if such a thing even exists, ahaha) looking for the perfect match to reclaim true libido. I'm right on the tailend of the age where I could still potentially pull younger girls without the implications becoming too awkward, so it's either now or never. If I run out of girls from my local community, I'll cast the net wider by resorting to dating sites - I know this is a trigger for some, but I don't feel the urge to PMO when I'm browsing such things and I'm not gonna just wait until my erectile health returns on its own just to start dating. Everyday I'm not rewiring with a girl I feel like I'm wasting time - I need to find a partner to be intimate with and I need it ASAP; I'm fit, I'm young, I'm a perfectly functional member of society (aside from my former PMO history, I guess) and I am perfectly capable of finding someone I have feelings for to get over my "issues".

    As a sidenote, since we've mentioned erectile health, shrinkage and semen leakage are slowly subsiding, i.e. I'm coming back out of another flatline (10 days or so as opposed to the initial 6 weeks); NW has been returning as well, albeit not in full strength, but definitely seeing encouraging improvements. Sensitivity nowhere to be found yet, but I'm sure that will sort itself out with time - I've been conveniently avoiding urinals and decided that I would M (without O'ing obviously) or rather try on a condom (for a more realistic scenario) around a year later to test EQ, but that is far off and there is work to be done on other fronts, first and foremost. Anxiety subsided, insomnia slowly not becoming an issue anymore and my confidence hasn't been this strong in years. The only compulsion I need to get over still is fantasy and checking the recovery forums/journaling, but the later will be easy once I've downgraded to a dumbphone, I think. I guess, thinking over the entire matter once again, my PMO habits have really become regular during later high-school years and university, reducing the period of constant PMOing by a number of years - maybe making me an "easier" case altogether. Still, I don't care if it takes months to years - this is not allowed to end with me becoming celibate by default and I'm not giving up without a fight.
     
  7. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Well, I'm not in the extreme flatline I was in at the beginning, but MW/NW is still infrequent/slow. No cravings/urges, no desire to PMO, no interest in ever MOing again, done with all that, but I have a really strong desire to get together with a platonic girlfriend/cuddle buddy. I feel like everyday I'm not actively rewiring by cuddling/kissing, I'm stalling my progress - it would really help with alleviating the worries regarding recovery, eliminating fantasy and pointing the mind towards the correct direction. I have a person in mind and asked my sibling to set up a meeting with her which should happen around the beginning of December. She would actually be perfect, since I find her reasonably attractive yet her appearance is diametrically opposed to what I'm used to from PMO - I feel like if I explain the situation (in short, "I'm waiting for the right person, but feel touch starved and you're single, so am I, let's have some innocent fun together"), manage to meet up with her every week and continue dating until I find "the right one", I can finally be at ease. She also concentrates on studies during the work week, so maybe she'll find some pleasure in unwinding together every once in a while. I hate "taking advantage" of her like this, but if she's not up to the idea, I won't force her and find someone else.

    Abstaining comes easy, finding your perfect match to rewire with does not. I'm an immigrant and I've always been only interested in women of my nationality, which, paired with my high standards (chaste, yet attractive), limits the available gene pool drastically, to say the least. I'm amazed it took me this long to realize how incredibly unrealistic it is that someone like that would just come along and pick me up... Yet there has to be someone out there for me, I can't just sit there with my arms folded and wait for my boners to come back. The only thing that matters my body's ready for the task when the time comes, so reconditioning to a loving partner is a must.

    At the same time, I feel like I'm overthinking this - maybe I'm not as severe of a case as I make myself out to be. Who knows if I actually have PIED? I've had no embarrassing and/or anxiety-inducing encounters in that regard; the important thing is that I originally intended to quit MO and PMO for life - which I have been free of the last 60 days or so. I did obsessively read the forum for a couple of days with all the horrible issues some people are having (which I do feel sorry for and troubled by), but as soon as I've secured a girl to rewire with, I'm gonna stop looking as I have no advice to give until I've reached success myself and I'm only potentially projecting symptoms in my mind ("oh, this could happen too? OMG OMG OMG").
    So far it has been smooth sailing for me - sure, withdrawal at first, but I've already felt the benefits of rebooting and I feel like it can only go upward from here. I feel more confident and decisive in what I'm doing, I'm slowly replacing my compulsive nature with better habits and I have had little to no trouble doing so; so for the next 30 days the plan is to:

    1) replace my smartphone with a dumbphone to stop browsing all PIED related resources (I'm barely at the computer these days, this is the one thing holding me back)
    2) continue dating to find the perfect match and secure a cuddle buddy for the time being
    3) eliminate all fantasy as well as artificial sexual imagery for a good year which shouldn't be too difficult given my current situation with uni

    I have a loving family that supports me, I'm perfectly capable of being social, I've overcome many difficulties in life and I can't let this stop me in my tracks.
     
  8. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Haven't logged into the forums the last 3 weeks, some stuff happened and as I am close to reaching 90 days, I thought I'd write up an update on how I'm doing.

    First thing's first, I have found a girl to rewire with (much faster than I expected)! Without going into too much detail, she shares a background similar to mine and has pretty much every feature I've been looking for in a girl (intelligent, attractive, sharing the same faith/beliefs as me, presumably chaste?) – all in all perfect for me, both for the reboot and as a potential soulmate.

    We went on 3 consecutive dates within a week and everything went without a hitch; I did my best to be my most confident self and she seemed to be enjoying spending time with me. Something in my body just clicked into place, I fell madly in love and the response was so strong that I have felt a surge of libido during the week - SE, MW, NW, all that jazz returned and I have been extremely happy for a good week or so. (I even got hard when she grabbed me by the arm for the first time.)

    I wish I could say that we're dating regularly now, that it's all sunshine and rainbows, but unfortunately there's some friction preventing our meetings right now which is why dating has been postponed to the end of December. This news had me depressed pretty much the entire week (with its peak sometime during the weekend); hence, the reboot progress has been slowed down (depression and anxiety don't increase libido, go figure), though thankfully not entirely reversed – despite another fit of anxiety in the morning today (accompanied by brief shrinkage), both NW and MW still occurred (albeit not as strong as during last week when I was dating the girl).

    While it's encouraging to see physical improvements, I just can't get over fact that I have to wait another 3 weeks to be together with her. All my life I've wanted to have a functional relationship with a woman I love and that loves me; PMO has essentially functioned as a tranquilizer, keeping me at bay and away from pursuing real connection. It really stresses me out that after I've found a (seemingly perfect) girl I clicked with, I'm now stuck with waiting again. It's like I'm victim of some twisted anecdote: saving yourself for engagement / marriage -> no problem, I'm comfortable with that; want to get to know each other first -> I'm picky with my dates as well, so sure; let's not meet for a while and stick to messaging -> oh, come on, cut me some slack, please!

    I'm way into her, so I'm willing to give her a chance (aside from the fact that it is probably not easy to find someone else to date at this time of the year); if I'm not officially together with her by the middle of January, I'll just cut ties and move on, searching for the next potential soulmate. Here's hoping she's not some obscure/elaborate flake leading me on and that this initial burden will lead to greater trust and a blooming relationship. Still going strong with hard mode and no relapse; if this relationship works out, I'll rewire to her (for a year or two) until my body is ready for RS and I basically can't contain myself anymore.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2016
  9. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Well, I've turned 24 and reached 90 days a couple of days ago - ironically, I'm back in another severe flatline (fluctuating size, leakage, blue balls, won't go into any more details) for the time being, probably due to all the anxious/depressed feelings related to my current love interest and postponed rewiring. From my impression from the 3 dates we've had, she would be really perfect for me (both for rewiring and as a girlfriend or whatever happens down the line) and the wait for our next date is literally killing me. Good news is that we'll be seeing each other in less than 2 weeks and hopefully a relationship will blossom within the next couple of dates; I don't think I've had such a biological response towards a woman in a while - we ran into each other accidentally the other day, which instantly brightened my mood and somewhat alleviated my doubts that she's flaking me.

    Despite flatlining, true libido has been slowly creeping back in, I think - MW/NW, though weak, have been becoming more consistent and I tend to wake up mildly horny. The only thing that I struggle with still is fantasizing, thinking about sex (though rarely PMO-related, focusing on my love interest mostly) and having fixated thoughts on recovery, but that is only because I have to wait for my love interest. As soon as I can secure her (or somebody else) as my platonic rewiring partner, I'll be somewhat at ease; it will enable me to eliminate various compulsive activities, stop thinking about recovery and sex, focus on our relationship and general productivity, maybe even get my cold shower game back on track.

    Funny how life works sometimes - there was definitely a time during which I was frustrated about not being allowed to have sex before engagement/marriage which lead to the whole PMO ordeal in the first place and now I'm desperately looking for a chast girl to abstain and casually rewire with for a year or two before moving on to intercourse. The reason I'm going the extra mile in terms of abstaining is that (aside from the fact that, well, there is literally no opportunity or venue to have sex currently) from reading various journals/stories on the net, there doesn't seem to be any real detrimental effect to abstaining too long, whereas reintroducing sex too early/too quickly leads to flatlines/refractory period issues, especially in my category. As long as there is a concrete promise of someone waiting for me (as opposed to the abstract "one day you'll find someone who's been waiting for the right person, just like you") and casually rewiring with me for the time being, I don't really mind waiting at all - on the contrary, I expect it will boost my journey into adulthood by some margin, as there is a natural reward to be had in the end.
     
  10. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Sad to report, but rebooting is dominating my mind again; obsessively reading accounts of varied success and failures, people lurking for years and still not being cured definitely doesn't help my own recovery.

    Pretty sure that if hadn't worried so excessively about my love interest I wouldn't be back to square one in terms of flatlining, like I am now. I would've probably been even more depressed/anxious by now if I hadn't gotten out of flatline previously for about a week and if I hadn't experienced the benefits of rewiring so quickly. Now that I haven't seen her for 3 weeks, I feel like a lot of my progress is undone. It's hard to concentrate on anything, most of the crappy thoughts regarding "will I ever be cured?" are back, etc.

    Here's hoping I can secure a girl I emotionally connect with for regular platonic rewiring by the end of the year, as I feel like that's where the real recovery starts.
     
  11. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Nearing triple digits, this is where it gets tough; the last couple of days physical symptoms are making themselves known again - mainly vasocongestion (not entirely unlike, but not exactly blue balls, because I've had those during the reboot and it felt differently) and semen leakage, aside from flatline. Yesterday, I caught myself contemplating relapse because of the genital discomfort - just MO'ing to get it over with and restart my streak when I'm together with a love interest, "rationalizing" that rebooting without consistent rewiring is only doing half the job anyway. At the same time fearing that MO'ing would put into an even deeper flatline.

    Yet thankfully I persevered, had a healthy amount of sleep and feel better today - both mood-wise and physically. Mildly anxious, but at the same time happy that I've resisted relapse and that the genital discomfort is subsiding on its own. It might be due to the fact that I've slept in a fairly warm room (had night shift at work). Did some sensual touching down there just to check sensitivity - definitely leagues ahead from where I started, but not enough to get it up, which I wasn't expecting anyway, frankly. Crazy how random this recovery process is.

    Driving home and, provided no one's around, might take a cold hip bath to deal with the vasocongestion.
     
  12. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Ended up not taking a hip bath, but ran a bit at the gym which seemed to do the trick all the same. Met up with another girl just to chat as friends and finally received confirmation from my love interest as to when the next date is happening. Felt mildly apathetic about it, either because of the emotional rollercoaster I had to endure for the last couple of weeks or because I'm back to total flatline currently. This is going to make rewiring pretty awkward, but here's hoping the next date can "rekindle the fire" that I felt on the first three and propel me towards quicker recovery. I'm going to put my effort in and scout some locations for dating today.
     
  13. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Reached triple digits. Finally meeting up with my love interest today, feel somewhat relieved. I really wish we could've just continued dating a month ago - that way I wouldn't have stressed out too much regarding rewiring and ended up back in flatline. Mental symptoms stabilised recently, but size still fluctuates and I have to urinate a little too frequently. No MW, SE, etc.

    My attraction to real life girls has definitely increased and yesterday I felt a completely random bout of libido during the day. Really want to get together with the girl I'm currently dating, here's hoping it works out - that way I could stop worrying about the whole ordeal, put all the necessary measures in place (cold showers, no arousal, leave this site for a while) focus on our relationship as well as other things in life.

    It sounds horribly exploitative/mechanical when I say that I've secured a girlfriend for rewiring purposes, but I actually do have feelings for her and a sense of attraction that I haven't had in years. For me, PMO was a "substitute" for a romantic relationship, so by feeding my mind the real thing I hope to eventually get out of this mess. Plus, due to cultural circumstances anything beyond kissing and cuddling is off the table at the moment - giving my body enough time to heal and pointing it into right direction at the same time.

    If all this goes well I'll post another update and leave the site until I have a success story to provide; not leaving the forum population for dead, but in my experience overthinking/overworrying of the whole matter does not contribute to the reboot positively.
     
  14. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Date went well, seems like we'll be going out now; just being around her, I've felt way better than the last two weeks of my emotional rollercoaster. She wants to take it slow, which I'm all for anyway.

    Though still in flatline, symptoms don't seem to be as severe; even had some NW/MW today. I'll just concentrate on dating and life outside the internet for now, keep up no PMO and rewiring; I feel at ease currently, now that all the pieces for the reboot are finally in place.

    Could a mod or admin edit the thread title to "24, virgin, started platonic rewiring with gf"?

    Edit:/ that said, the physical aspects of withdrawal are difficult to ignore; have been having very frequent urination/leakage during the past week or so, here's hoping it subsides 'til New Year's

    Another Edit:/ getting really desperate, constant leakage of small drops the entire day, without rhyme or reason - I feel like a menstruating girl and it's taking a psychological toll on me. Even just shrinkage would've been fine, but now that I'm shrunken and leaking, it's the worst; I honestly felt better about my reboot at the beginning (or that part where I was not in a flatline, heh) - at least it was just regular flatlining, this second flatline seems to be even more severe. Originally, when I thought I would be tempted to relapse, it would come in form of urges - yet instead it's from withdrawal symptoms. Almost want to just MO and start clean into the New Year along with rewiring with my love interest. Then again, I had unexplained nut ache for 2-3 days which led to similar thoughts and that went away - so here's hoping this will subside in the next couple of days. I need to make it until the next date at the very least, as rewiring is the only thing that has show progress in my experience.

    God, please, make it stop...
     
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2016
  15. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    The dripping transparent liquid is still there, the entire day - next date/oportunity to rewire is on Sunday, so I have to keep walking around like this at least until then, provided it doesn't spontaeneously subside. Going to take to a cold shower and work out today, hoping it will help. The only things keeping me from relapse are

    1) the fact that it takes most young guys around 6-9 months to notice reliable results
    2) the fact that I had already come out of a flatline once or twice
    3) the fact that PMO'ing will probably put me into an even deeper flatline and is not a reliable solution for the problem, i.e. there is no guarantee that seminal leakage would subside - it would be just an "experiment" that just as well could lead to disaster.

    I have to say that I am my worst enemy - if I hadn't stressed out so much regarding the relationship with the girl, I probably would've not ended up in another severe flatline. My theory is that the increase in stress hormones negatively affected my reboot and thus brought me back to square one to some extent; keep in mind, I have not PMO'd or MO'd all this time - there was a good week during which I felt genuine libido, but I may have ruined my progess by overexerting it through fantasy.

    Each rebooter is his own lab rat obviously, so this self-reflexion only helps me personally. I felt better about my erectile health during the initial flatline than I do now, yet I can't go to a doctor currently without raising concerns. I can't even just MO to let the pressure out, because I can't get it up without P or fantasy.

    Seems like the only option is to continue going forward or restart the reboot towards New Years. I'm hoping the constant leakage just subsides by itself.
     
  16. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Withdrawal has been intense recently - constant leakage, flatline, bouts of anxiety. I finally get to rewire for a bit tommorow with my love interest; though I'm all for taking it slow, my lady friend is perhaps taking it a tad too slow, i.e. not even cuddling or kissing is on the table yet. Will try to hold her and get aroused by her that way, I guess; seems to be the only option really.

    Edit:/ ended up M'ing a bit to sensitivity, without P, fantasy or death grip, though with a bit more vigor/speed than ideal, to force some of the leakage out. Was actually surprised that I was able to get something going, so maybe I'll just MO to sensation in the next couple of days and get it over with. Perish the thought...
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2016
  17. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Today's the date, but leakage combined with flatline are so annoying that I'm tempted to MO just to deal with it. Unfortunately, sex is not on the table at the moment and I'm not visiting escorts under any circumstances.

    Ah, well, hope dies last. About 6 hours or so and I get to rewire for a bit; until then I guess I'll have to pour cold water on my scrotum to force out the leakage.

    Edit:/ date was kind of meh, but I didn't put too much effort into it this time around. Girl is really cagey and though she clearly doesn't mind being with me, she doesn't seem (yet?) to be ready for a more romantic relationship. I kind of have no choice, but to push forward and invest more into this relationship in order to make it happen as I doubt I'll find another girl I like to rewire with any time soon. The alternative of waiting for flatline to just end on its own is grim, so my best guess is to continue to pursue her. We're seeing each other during New Years briefly and we've decided to schedule another date sometimes after.


    Another Edit:/ Mom noticed my frequent urination tendencies and asked if I would like to schedule an appointment with a urologist sometimes in January. Maybe I'll talk to him about NoFap, flatline and the like.
     
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2016
  18. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    I feel really sharp mentally, though still in flatline physically. Transparent leakage has been an issue for about a week now, but at least the shrinkage isn't as severe anymore; maybe I'm coming out of another flatline and will bounce back in a matter of days... At least, I wish the leakage would stop, otherwise this will make for a very awkward conversation with the urologist in January.

    MO relapse is tempting, but I'm trying the best I can to rationalize it away - maybe I'm one of those people who miraculously bounce back to normal without rewiring (I've been out of the flatline briefly, so maybe it will subside on its own); MO relapse will only make things worse and doesn't guarantee that leakage will subside or that it won't appear again, if I reset my streak.

    Gonna have to grin and bear it, try to secure more rewiring opportunities with my love interest and not come off as needy at the same time. Nobody said it was easy...
     
  19. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Feeling on top of the world today - calm mood, sharp, confident, despite whatever may be occurring down there. Leakage isn't as extreme as yesterday and I even woke up with mild MW. Might be coming out of flatline any day now. ;)

    In the past month I've digested pretty much everything YBOP, YBR, RN have to offer, both the successes and the failures, and I now I have a pretty good idea of what to expect out of the rebooting/recovery process. I also realized that reading the forums too much has diminishing returns at some point, so I'm going to take a break from them starting 2017.

    By the time my current love interest wants to go further with me, I'll probably have a huge abstinence and rewiring streak under my belt. Even if she's not the one, I'll continue to pursue girls with similar standards/circumstances and hope to rewire to one of them eventually. At the same time I think I'll take up meditation as suggested by several success stories and continue improving my life in other ways. Depending on progress with rebooting/rewiring, I might also introduce sensual touch and mindful M after a year or so.

    On the personal front, trying to secure another couple of dates and seems like it will happen sometime this week.
     
  20. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Rebooting solo sucks ass. MO is tempting to let the pre-cum leakage out, but nobody actually knows whether it will subside or become even more intense; besides, I've been bearing it for more than a week now, so why stop? It's like the devil knew he wouldn't get me with urges, but he could get me with withdrawal. The only hope continues to be that I already spontaneously came out of flatline once and that there are several accounts of miraculously bouncing back to normal without much rewiring (RebornAgain comes to mind). And also, I just don't want to MO anymore, I'm done with that part of my life.

    Won't get to meet my love interest until New Years it seems and I'm getting really impatient with her, to be perfectly honest. Things went so well on the first 3 dates; then after that month-long pause I feel like all my progress is gone and I have to start over. Going to continue to date her, but will also start looking for more options to get my rewiring fix as well as maybe switch lanes, if this relationship doesn't work out. It's sad, because I was ready to go the moment we met and now I'm back in flatline, leaking all over the place, wondering where I'm at. Almost thought about setting up a Tinder account for the purpose of scouting cuddle buddies, but on the other hand I feel like that's taking advantage of people and reinforcing novelty, things that I desperately want to avoid.

    There is a long term high-school ladyfriend coming to town, so I might just offer her to cuddle and kiss for a bit under the pretense of being touch-starved.

    Edit:/ I think I'm also done browsing this forum for more info, it's almost like a P-sub with all the success stories; that said, I think I'll keep this journal up to date and turn it more into a rewiring journal with the odd "finally out of flatline" post thrown in.

    Another Edit:/ at the desk, working, vaguely horny, yet completely flaccid and leaking; temptation to MO is high, but I could probably only get it up with severe physical stimulation at this point
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2016

Share This Page