26, Watching Life Pass By

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Achilles12393, Dec 11, 2017.

  1. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 1
    Bout to be 25 on January 23rd so I figured i'd join early. Crazy to think that I've made my way from the lower group to now here. No progress.... Need to change that and stop relapsing to this vile shit that is porn.
     
    1234dyl likes this.
  2. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    good luck!
     
  3. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Here again. I need to get back on this site. I need to find sobriety. And with that means cutting certain things out of my life. The big on in particular is video games. They only lead to trouble. I'm done with them for at least 2 months. We'll see from there.

    I'm keeping my computer, but blocking access to all non-essential sites (work, weather.com, this site, espn.com). I'm debating on whether to keep youtube or not, I think I will.

    I almost left out the computer entirely and was going to stache it away somewhere out of reach, but decided against it because I really enjoy story writing and working on word allows me to lose myself in a story more so than I could in writing by hand.

    Anyways my official first day of sobriety will begin tomorrow. Oh and a quick note, I plan on attending two SA meetings a week. I've been going for the past two weeks and they've been uplifting in many ways. Somehow though, I found myself here in the kingdom of relapse again and need to make some more lasting changes.
     
  4. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 1 (night)
    A so so day. I failed on some other goals in regards to getting a workout in and eating healthy. I find that everything ties in together.

    It's crazy. After have an unhealthy meal (homemade popcorn with melted butter) I immediately thought, hey why not try to figure out a way to act out. Shoot you already screwed up something, why not just let everything go to shit and start over again tomorrow.

    I thankfully didn't. I have a meeting tomorrow evening and I'm excited for it. Fuck, I'm just trying to figure out who I am. Trying to figure out these voices in my head that seem to have such sway over me when I'm faced with even a slight amount of weakness or temptation.
     
  5. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Couldn't even make it two days... Man I feel so fucking lost. So out of control. So ashamed of what I've become.

    Back to day 1 tomorrow...
     
  6. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    At least you’re here checking in.. at least you’re trying to improve.. at least you’re aware of your downfalls.. the list could go on!
     
  7. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    1234dyl, thanks man:)
    Had a great day today. Good lift, good day at work and had some great interaction with family and friends. Over at my cousins house, alone currently lol and the first thought I had was to act out knowing I had full internet access. Came on here instead and it's comforting reading your comment along with some of other peoples success (shit even failures) in their journals. Night guys, I'll check in tmrw.
     
  8. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Btw dude, congrats on 80 days, that's a helluva an achievement!
     
    1234dyl likes this.
  9. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 3 morning:

    Went to a concert last night and didn't get home till 6am. Absolutely brutal. One thing that was good was that I was so tired that I had no energy to even think about acting out. Today was a little rough in the morning when I woke up. All I wanted to do was act out. But I haven't thus far, not that I really have the means to with my pc blocked up and phone blocked up as well but still I've found out that your mind will always find ways if it wants too.

    Spending day watching my two younger brothers now and then its back to work tomorrow and hopefully continue this streak.
     
  10. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 4 morning:

    Sadly I MO'd last night. I didn't look at any porn but used fantasy in my head. I struggle with this. I don't know if I want to cut out MO or not. Something about it seems of too me and I don't know if it's just because I've stigmatized it within my own mind.
    I don't know, maybe I'm just over complicating all this shit. Anyways, I've developed a 90 day goal from here on out. No MO and obviously no PMO. Sundays are open to interpretation on the MO topic but for the most part I believe I'd rather abstain from it all together.
     
  11. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 4 night:

    The difference between abstaining from O and not abstaining is crazy. I literally feel like a complete different man. Good day today. Overcame some impediments that almost set me back, which to me is uplifting. I'm crazy nervous about life sometimes. It's like I can't escape this anxiety that follows me. Things like;
    1) I'll never be loved.
    2) A girl is going to cheat on me
    3) My penis isn't big enough
    4) I'm not intelligent
    5) I'm fat and always will be
    6) I have cancer most likely from the 6 and a half years that I chewed tobacco on and off.

    Shit like that fucking paralyzes me at times. I fucking hate it, I really do man. But I've gotta learn how to deal with it. Because I got a feeling that no matter what, it's always going to be there in some capacity.
     
    1234dyl likes this.
  12. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Maybe say to yourself, for five minutes I’m gonna let go all of this baggage.. and then say you can go back to worrying after that. Even a few moments of freedom help
     
  13. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 5 morning:

    Morning all. Got some good sleep last night. Headed to work early rather than going to the gym. I'll go in the afternoon. Looking forward to when I get home so I can do some light reading in my SA book and draw a little bit as well. I've also got a nice stew that I just threw in the crock pot that's waiting for me when I get home later and I'm looking forward to downing that.
     
  14. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    1234dyl:
    I've been trying meditation for 15 minutes during my lunch at work. It helps and I try to incorporate sentiments like that into my thoughts while I'm doing it. I agree though even a few moments of freedom do help. To be honest, it's weird, when I'm with people and socializing, it's easy to forget about those anxieties. It's on the drive home or when I'm left alone to my thoughts that those feelings arise.

    Anyways have a good day man, and thanks for the help!
     
  15. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 5 night:
    “[Porn] lowers stress biomarkers, raises life satisfaction, increases verbal memory skills, improves marriage satisfaction, decreases cancer associated with male prostate because it encourages masturbation, and increases your libido.” -Jezebel Article

    These people are crazy. I just read that line from an article defending pornography. I'm sorry but I couldn't fight my bias and honestly I can't see this issue any other way. Porn is fucking insidious. It's literally a drug and these people advocate it like it has no impact on your life whatsoever.

    Whatever, I'm not gonna let this shit bring me down. If anything it's inspired me to continue forward. Had a great day today, just got home from a lift and am off to bed. Completed all my goals for the day (except for reading which I'm gonna do a little of now) and that's something I'm grateful for.
     
  16. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 6 morning:
    Gonna be off for the next two days. I'm sleeping at my cousins house. It's near my job and it allows me to go to an SA meeting and athletic event without having to travel 30-40 miles to go back home only to turnaround 7 hours later and wake up for work to travel back.
    No PC there and no real ways for me to act out so I'm not worried. I'll be back posting on Friday.
     
  17. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 1,
    Back here again... I’m traveling in circles I swear. I need to get back on here though. Need to write about it everyday that way not only am I at least involved in a community but also I’ll daily be acknowledging my recovery rather than passively trying to recover. Because for me at least, I’ve found that passive recovery is pernicious in the sense that you tend to forget about the ill effects of porn over time and then when an opportunity arises to act out, you jump on it immediately.

    Anyways it’s good to be back. I know I’ve said this before but I need to solve this thing and work through the emotional baggage that is entailed with it.
     
  18. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 1
    So many Day 1’s. So many short streaks of 5-8 days and then falling back to the start. Either way, I’m back and hopefully (I don’t enjoy making promises for I don’t even have the sense of courage enough to trust myself making them) for good.
     
  19. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 2
    It feels slow. The recovery process. Like each day just drags along. That is certainly one of the reasons for my frequent relapses. I’ve always got the “big picture” looming in the horizon of my mind and for some reason it fucks me up. Currently being unemployed certainly doesn’t help either.

    I think I’ve expelled all my desires for athletics though. I had quit work to take up boxing, and now that the realization that I risk forever fucking up my brain if I continue seems apparent to me, I’ve quit that too and started searching for work again. While I won’t have that purity of chasing an athletic dream anymore, of competition against myself and against another individual, I believe in the long run, it will be the better of choices.

    While I’m okay with that decision, I cannot accept being okay with allowing pornography into my life. It’s simply caused too much devastation in my life.
     
  20. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 3,
    Funny how recovery has become my priority and yet the rest of my life feels like its stopped. There are moments like that I suppose, times where you feel like you're not going anywhere. It will come together, as long as I stay free from this shite. I know it will.
     

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