Been feeling like I've been in the twilight zone lately. Dono how else to describe it. Just going to keep truckin'. Already headed towards the 28 month mark now. About 3 weeks away. Something will give eventually. Still waiting on that one, big, monumental change that will, without question, allow me to conclude that I'm near the end of this. I process my past almost every night still. Every dream deals with a moment from long ago. A lot of high school stuff. But now starting to get into the very young territory. Kid memories. Pretty wild process. Feels like I'm carving my way back to my childlike self. A purer version of me.
Thanks you sir. I feel okay. Social anxiety has improved more than any other symptom. Even if I am feeling a little socially anxious, it's never that bad. I feel a little more productive, but not all that much. No changes, in that department, have jumped out at me. Still experience fatigue and an overall lack of desire to get shit done. The winter in my hometown doesn't help with anything either. A lot of snow and darkness. Most folks, addicted or not, are hibernating in a way. The true test will be this Spring.
A while back I said that I was going to learn a lot in the month of January. Well, I did and I didn't. I learned that no matter what happens moving forward, I am, without question, through the most difficult parts of the reboot. By far. Nothing is as extreme. I've gotten out of the deepest valleys. What I didn't learn was just pushed back to February. The next week is going to tell me a whole hell of a lot. I'm either at the start of something or the end of another. Starting yesterday I started thinking that I'm in for another 3+ month cycle of the same shit but to a lesser degree, but today has me thinking that I'm actually at the end of the same cycle I've been in since October-Novemberish. If I am indeed at the end of the cycle, that would mean a great, great many things. Just pondering the notion has me ridiculously excited, because that would mean the premonition I got yesterday was wrong. If I'm at the end, as opposed to a beginning, then I still have a perdio of relative bliss ahead of me. It'll be brighter than any I've had in the past 5 years or so. Not kidding. Yesterday I thought that I would have to wait another 3 months to see what was on the other end, but if I'm right about today then it'll be here really fucking soon. If I'm at the end of the cycle then that would mean I'll experience improvement that are completely foreign to me. I'll hit a level that I haven't reached since I started this journal wayyyy back in the day. When I first starting posting, I made it to the finish line at around day 205. That feeling I got on that day is what has kept me going this entire reboot. I got a taste of feeling like a person, and it was so fucking glorious that I don't want to bother trying to put it into words. It's heavenly. I'm 20 days away from 28 months. I haven't made any mistakes. I haven't fantasized, haven't peaked, haven't masturbated. I've done almsot everything right. And the thought of having to wait another 3 months to reap any sort of reward was really starting to get me down yesterday. But perhaps I was wrong. The next week will tell all. Fuck dude I'm getting too excited. If I am at the beginning of another cycle as opposed to the end of one then I'll be pretty fuckin devastated. The thought of another 3 months of this bullshit with only minor improvements in pain levels sounds so fucking boring. Just boring. Repetitive bullshit. I just want something new man. I'm tired of this nonsense. I really am. I'm really setting myself up for a fall here. Whatever. I think a part of me doesn't even believe that what I'm saying is accurate. I have an internal pessimist that still believes that I'm never going to get out of this and that I'm doomed forever. We'll see what happens. I'm fucking nervous dude.
A decision has been made. Since I'm still not in a good enough state of mind to go straight to NYC, I'm going to instead move to Richmond temporarily. Going to stay in an AirBnB for as long as I need to make more concrete decisions. At this point I just need a change. I've lived there before and I know some people who currently reside there so I won't be flying completely solo. I'm excited to switch things up. I'm also going to start dating as soon as I can. At this point in my life any change is good change.
Found a more permanent place in Richmond but won't move in until late April. In the heart of another flurry. Done trying to make sense of them. I mean, yeah, I still do it often, but now I'm trying to let go more. It's quite an accomplishment. And it's a silent one. I need to keep it important to me, and to not get discouraged by how lonely of a task it is. Hopefully things will truly turn around soon. Healing is happening, but I wish it was quicker.
I've gotten some good omens over the past few days. We'll see where they lead. No matter what things are easier. And they will continue to trend in that direction. Even when things are "rough" they're probably only half (sometimes 1/4th) as rough as they used to be, and it never lasts as long. Not even close. the waves are getting smaller, and shorter. Just like a psychiatrist once told me would happen with PAWs. We'll see how long it ends up taking in total. At this point I'm not content with improvements. I want the whole shebang. I want to leave PAWs completely and to feel my emotions 100% of the time.
Just saw Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the oscars. Seems innocuous, but I'm really peeved about it for some reason. Seems like it's a symptom of something rather than a one off. Hard to wrap my head around that kind of insanity, and I'm a hardcore porn addict.
At the very end of a 5+ month cycle. I guess you could say that my recovery consists of long flatlines interspersed with mini reprieve periods. The reason I know that I'm at the end is because of experience, instincts, the stuff I wrote on forums in the past, and excel (I pulled the spreadsheet back up because I knew something was going on). The end of a flatline is always the hardest. Been like that since I first started rebooting. So I'm in for some rough shit. Last night was the beginning, and shit got pretty nuts. A lot of negative emotion--mostly visceral anger. I'm both excited and scared. Excited that I'm at the end of this flatline, but scared of how rough this shit will get. It's an expensive toll to pay. Wish me luck. I'm at a pretty momentous point in my recovery. I worked hard to get to this point, and I've been waiting for it for a while. Just over a week away from 30 months of abstinence.
Good news: I felt emotions yesterday. A lot of crying, especially when I listened to old music I used to love. I'm on the right track. This shit works. Still going to get roughed up, and will get down and negative, but this is a win.
Before my last relapse, I had a quite long period when I could cry in basically any moment. It was sooooo liberating I don't wanna be a smart-ass, probably you have already had this experience earlier, I'm just happy for you
Yeah man it's pretty unreal isn't it? Glad you experienced that man, helps us know what the finish line feels like. Time to weigh out the good and the bad: Good: -starting therapy again this Friday with the therapist who basically started me on this journey of self-discovery. Very important person to me and can't wait to reconnect, even if it isn't in person. Last time I saw her I was suicidal, so it'll be nice to show her how far I've come. -pretty sure I landed a job that sounds pretty damn ideal for me -have a date tomorrow with a smart girl (electrical engineer). As I've gotten older I realized that intelligence is very important to me when it comes to women. we'll see how it goes. not putting much pressure on myself or the date itself. Just hoping I'm in a serviceable mood when the time comes. -situated nicely in my place. got everything, for the most part, set up -lost ~20 pounds -libido has never been more prevalent. I feel attracted to people quite often now, though a lot of the times it's still a lustful kind of objectifying attraction. Big difference between using a girl as an object and seeing them as a person. Porn taught me to use and to objectify. This, I feel, will be one of the last things to go. As long as the poison is still in my system I won't be able to be totally present with another human. Bad: -definitely back in a flatline, and I know this because my appetite, today, is non-existent. That's the easiest sign to read when it comes to flatlines -with flatline comes anxiety and depression, though they come in waves they still rock my world -anxiety manifests itself, on occasion, by making me feel as if I'm letting a good number of people down. I constantly feel as if I should be doing something more, though I'm not capable of doing the things I'm anxious about not doing. It's this otherworldly feeling of being constantly watched by some unknown, faceless entity whose opinions mean a lot to you. -still can't read -still dealing with this crap after 30.5 months -flatline means I have, at least, a couple months of difficulty left, though I'm guessing it'll take 3+ years for it to fade. That's a long fucking time, and I'm not getting any younger. Could also be seen as a positive though, because I'm still much closer to the finish line than I am the start. Depends on the day and the mood that I'm in. -been meditating daily but my brain still isn't very receptive to that kind of stimuli. going to keep doing it just to have the habit down, because one day it will start to affect things. -dreams are still stuck in the past. Tired of having to relive all of that shit, though it's obviously necessary for me to do so. -haven't been able to watch movies or fictional television in a long while
I do intense calisthenics (ring workouts--pullups, bodyweight rows, pushups). I'm in good shape. Diet 80% good. 32 months. A lot of improvements lately. By the 3 year mark I should be sittin pretty, hopefully.
