25 and ready to quit

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Achilles12393, Dec 11, 2017.

  1. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 1,
    I wasn’t committed. I think it’s essential for me to find a good job and move to my own place. I can control things better there.
     
  2. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 2,
    Sleep is the most essential of things in life. I know this from personal experience and from the reading I’ve done on the topic.

    When one gets proper rest, life is far more balanced. Things seem structured much easier. This doesn’t mean it will completely solve my issues with PMO abstinence, but it is the first line of defense against relapse.

    I fear everyday that today will be the day I slip up. I just need to take things one day at a time. My first cousin comes home today. He’s a recovered drug addict. 3 years of sobriety for him. He’s an inspiration that I hope to one day emulate in terms of success.
     
  3. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 2 Urges,
    Terrible urges currently. I know that I can't act on them but still it makes me want to search for ways to reset my pc or find some sort of arousing material online. The felling is subsiding now in just writing this though.
     
  4. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 3,
    Man what an evening last night was. I laughed so hard with family members about some great stuff. Don’t get me wrong there were moments of silence. In those times, the younger me would’ve searched for something, anything to say. But I’ve come to appreciate the silences more now. They, at least in my opinion, heighten the moments of blissful laughter.

    I’m proud to be where I’m at, even if it is only 3 days. I’m almost scared in saying this, because I feel like it somehow sets myself up for sabatoge, but to me it seems as if my mentality has shifted. I want recovery. More than ever, I want it. I yearn to become a man as I approach my 26th year. I’m ready and this is one of the last thresholds of which I need to conquer.

    Don’t get me wrong. Emotions are turbulent. I went through some brief sullen periods yesterday thinking about my ex-girlfriend while driving. I suppose that the only thing which kept me going and able to pull me out of that funk was self reassurances that pornography would not doing anything to alleviate the pain. That and an ensuing night of good sleep. Yet even last night I dreamed of her. I dreamed of having sex with another girl. And I woke up distraught again. So thus I reassured myself again that porn would not alleviate the itch of such emotions and then logged onto here for this morning post.
     
    Brit_91_kd likes this.
  5. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 4,
    Fucking urges are real fellas. I don’t have access to anything but all I can think about again is ways to act out. Fuckkkkkk. I think it boils down to the fact that I really, really yearn for companionship. And when I don’t have instant gratification for that need, I turn to pornography which can offer that immediate relief but with lasting consequences (PIED, submissive attitude, social anxiety) that alter the person I am.
     
  6. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 1,
    Sucks to be back here. On Christmas Eve. But it is what it is and I need to move forward.
     
  7. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 2,
    Merry Christmas. I’m not where I want to be though. I need to enact changes in my life. Find my own abode. Rid myself of this monkey on my back and gain significant sobriety. I need to get back down in weight. I’m too heavy and don’t have the ideal body which I seek to possess.

    I need I need I need. I know it sounds selfish. But I need to be selfish with my recovery. I need to know what I want and sought after it.

    Last night I saw my ex-girlfriend on a Snapchat. I don’t have any social media but my cousin had made me get it to show me something at a Christmas party and I logged into my old account and saw her story. She looked happy. Which I suppose I was happy for. It just breaks my heart that I couldn’t be the one there to share that happiness with her. I fucked up with her. I let my addiction ruin that fucking beautiful relationship. I need to move on from her. I have this tendency to wallow in my past regrets and failures. They incapacitate me at times. I can’t allow that to happen. I need to move on from her.

    Merry Christmas...
     
  8. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 3,
    Tired. Need more sleep. Can’t be staying up late.
     
  9. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 1,
    Consistent theme of me getting three days of sobriety and then slipping up.
     
  10. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 2,
    Got some great rest and feel like things are back on track as I’ve been getting to the gym consistently and eating properly the last couple days.

    On a side note. It’s been a little over a year since I’ve had sex. That’s crazy that at 25 I had no sex all year. Really sad too. The goal is 90 days of sobriety. Not sure if I’ve ever articulated that. 90 days and then onwards from there.

    Working on acquiring a full time position now and then finding my own small little place to rent. I need that freedom to ensure my sobriety. Too many variables back at my fathers home.
     
  11. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 3,
    The day on which we most often flounder. That day which never allows us to proceed deeper into our recovery. When our body screams for a release. The circuitry of the mind lapsing into mania as it starves for an electrical flow from that insidious juice it calls pornography. I cannot indulge it. I will not indulge it.

    And yet I find myself thinking of ways in which I can slip back into that numbing embrace. How I could reset my computers. Reset my phone. Lock my door and be to myself with the thief whom gives me my release in exchange for my character, for my constitution, for my very soul.
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  12. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    URGES DAY 3,

    Man I came on this pc to act out. I was deadset on it. I looked up girls on youtube on my phone. You know. Stuff like girl in bikini. Then I deleted it right after. Now no more youtube on my phone. I napped, woke up, and came upstairs to my father's pc. I knew I could act out fully there. I could watch my porn. I could watch it for hours before he comes home. Than I could go on like nothing happened.

    It's funny, most of the time it starts with an innocous search on google. Something like 'her' or 'thick' and then it leads to the images section where I will search images with the 'view more' until I've come across something that I deem as relapse. Once I've crossed that threshold, its all in. I'm on to porn images, gifs, and then eventually free sites. But it always starts the same way. When I clicked google on my dads pc, I sat there staring at it. I typed a term in and had my hand on the search button. And then I came here. I almost want some pat on the back, like a good job or something. But fuck it hasn't even been 3 days. I don't deserve that (not that I should get my validation from others anyways but that's a whole nother topic)

    My dads pc crashed as I had finished typing this. I took it as a sign and left the room. Came on here to read some more postings and saw my response had been saved to my account. I’m glad that PC in my dads room crashed. I’m glad I didn’t act out. I’m glad for my sobriety.
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  13. Beggsie

    Beggsie New Member

    Hey man, unpopular advice but I'd block youtube for the time being, it can be a double edged sword. Lots of great content, but lots of crap and triggers too. It's helped me. Are you on the look for another job? Having full time work has helped me, I almost always relapse either on the weekend or when I have lots of free time. Keep up the good work though, hang in there.
     
    Achilles12393 likes this.
  14. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Beggsie,
    Ya YouTube got the block yesterday. I agree about the content. But there’s just too much that can lead ya down the rabbit hole.

    I’m looking for full time work now. I want to find something I can get lost in. Not because I’m running from this addiction but just a line of work I can come to enjoy and seek to do my best in every day. Maybe an occupation as such doesn’t exist but my time in athletics gave me the idea that that is how any line of work should be.

    I had the same problem with weekends when I was working. It’s kind of the reason I want to move out of my pops once I find full time employment. That way I can have no electronics. Only my blocked phone with access to this site and which I won’t be able to reset and also a typewriter.

    Thanks for the advice and encouragement man. I really appreciate it. When I woke up this morning, I thought about relapse (even though I literally couldn’t, I still thought about it) and it was revitalizing to read your comment. It reminded me why I should still strive for sobriety.
     
  15. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    Day 4,
    Feeling good. Got some good rest and woke up to encouragement from a fellow YBR member. I sometimes think I don’t know how I will stay sober today. Relapse seems inevitable.

    All I can do is take it one day at a time. Buildings are not constructed overnight.
     
  16. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    URGES DAY 4,
    Soooo. Feeling the shit. Or at least was. I’m home alone right now. My dads door is open. I could search right now. I could do it. I sat down at the chair too. Typed ‘google’ in the search bar, hit enter and stared at it. I got up went to my room and locked the door. Just played the guitar for 10 mins. Listening to a podcast now while writing this. Planning on reading fellow YBR member posts or go back to the guitar. I won’t go out my room until someone comes home. I know it sounds silly, but I can’t.
     
  17. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Stay strong buddy, this is where the real change happens. Keep in mind that urges will disappear again. They can go as easily as they come.

    These moments are a good one to make a list of the reasons why you started this journey and your values which acting out would violate.

    Supporting you from a distance!
     

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