24 Y/O, PMO for 10 years.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by ed_nightmare, Sep 16, 2013.

  1. ed_nightmare

    ed_nightmare Member

    Hi. I'm one of those guys who started out early on high speed internet porn, so I'm very worried that I may actually never recover. That said, I have to be brave and try, and hope I've basically not ruined my chances of getting with a woman forever.

    I basically started at 14, and in the last few years I've escalated to watching rather extreme things. The only way I can get an erection with a girl is fantasizing about stuff like that. Otherwise nothing. It's always been that way, and for years I thought I was broken, until I found YBOP last month. I'm currently 20 days into my reboot, but have used fantasy to get it up twice for sex in that time (though no MO. Does this count as a relapse? I hope not.). Even during, I have no sensitivity, and have never ejaculated during. Ever.

    So far I've had a few problems with triggers, in that some of my turn on's are so general that things in the media, television etc trigger them. I haven't MO'd after one yet, but I do feel anxious, clammy and lightheaded when this happens and feel sick inside (revulsion at what I've become?) for some time. Last trigger was half hour ago and I still feel horrible. Nearly had a moment of 'I'll never be fixed, well why not fap...' though I think it's passing.

    My questions are basically:

    • Will I ever regain sensitivity down there?
      Is my ED likely to go away if I abstain from PMO?
      For someone who grew up on high speed porn, is a year likely to give me sufficient improvement to actually have good sex (without fantasy?)

      Either way, I'm hoping to use this journal to chart my progress. I signed up for Reddits no fap, but this community seems better equipped for it. That, and having other people around who understand is great. I can't talk to anybody in real life about this and that makes it even harder.

      I don't know if anyone's even going to read this, but I'd appreciate any input. Cheers.
  2. ed_nightmare

    ed_nightmare Member

    Woke up this morning after a vivid dream about some fetish porn I used to watch. I was severely tempted to watch it but didn't, and despite switching fantasy to making out with a woman I'm kinda seeing, I lost all urges. This felt worse to me; being able to get rock hard for something unnatural (the porn was gay, yet I know I'm straight, was just where my porn use escalated to keep myself going) but not something I know i want (meaningful sex with a woman) makes me feel really horrid and hopeless. I feel like crying as right now it feels too much, and I should just accept I've permanently messed up my neural circuitry and responses beyond all repair and resign myself to this fate.
  3. ed_nightmare

    ed_nightmare Member

    So last night after a really stressful day (pet of eleven years died for starters) I noticed when I stroked my penis that it responded, not much but after several minutes, I got a semi and then was rock hard for maybe 20 minutes. It went away when I stopped fairly quickly but I used minimal fantasy (I had maybe two thoughts for half a second which I instantly banished) which is new for me. This morning I repeated it but only managed a maybe...60/70% erection which vanished faster.

    I know I should abstain for all contact but surely this is progress? Usually it takes fantasy to get me hard. The only thi g I did imagine last night was kissing and caressing the girl I slept with the other week (only briefly). Erections dont last without manual stimulation mind...thoughts? Really need some input.
  4. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    I was into extreme porn and watched so much I could no longer get jard even watching porn. After 3 months I could get hard for sex, with stimulation and all fetish thoughts were gone. Getting hard from just thinking about girls when waking up, through the day etc

    It will improve even though im still not at a point were im dating and get hard when seeing a girl naked it takes time. Spend a few months away from porn and masturbation and if your in a position to be making out with girls then do it as much as you can.
  5. Letscrackthis

    Letscrackthis "He is not here, for he has risen!"

    Hey ed. Definitely don't give up! As I've read your journal entries so far, I'm inspired by how you consistently get close to the breaking point...but kill things right then and there. What I've come to realize is that the journey towards recovery won't be fun or 'easy', not even close. But we need every resource and advice we can get to combat triggers and reversion.

    The journey reminds me of this graph (minus the title): http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mV92EHV-DSw/UjVlVf3UdbI/AAAAAAAAFYE/v6S9jPRbReU/s640/parent+expectation.png

    Our successful recovery from porn addiction will take a lot of consistent hard work. We CAN still rewire our brains even after a decade+ of watching porn. Each time you've denied the triggers and kept them at bay, you're weakening the neural connections of your porn-induced dopamine reward system. The fact that our brains reward us for watching porn and then masturbating to it makes this all seem like a futile process to fight. But the more we deny PMO- the less our brain will depend on it. We can actively do other productive things to get our dopamine. Anyways, we don't know where we are in the progress. But let's at least know that we're progressing. A toast to us becoming free...
  6. ed_nightmare

    ed_nightmare Member

    Thanks guys :). I know it's going to take time, I just feel disheartened by so many things. That I let myself get to this stage (then I remind myself I'm making the change now) that I'll never enjoy an orgasm with a woman (I had trouble even when masturbating to porn) and that my sensitivity might not emerge. Each day right now is a constant panic and I'm so scared. I can't focus on anything else, which is bad since Uni starts in a week.

    My goal is to have sex with a woman without the need for fantasy and actually have an orgasm. To do this I need to lose my dependence on fetishes (which I remember reading in your journal GameOver that you have done?) Then I need to rewire to 3D women and get my penis to react naturally. Then of course comes the sensitivity. ..which is the bit that worries me the most as though I've had sex since getting PIED I feel like my death grip of many years has locked this away from me for good. My last girlfriend felt like she was the problem and I think contributed to her leaving. I have to get this part right or I'll be alone forever. .
  7. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Use some vitamin e cream for a couple of weeks. If you notice improvement then try it again a few weeks later. I had good results with it my dick was numb and after about 100 days I could really feel pussy well even with a condom.
  8. Heracles

    Heracles New Member

    Keep it up bro!
  9. ed_nightmare

    ed_nightmare Member

    Hi guys. Well, this morning, I relapsed twice. However, I don't think it's all bad.

    Last night I was with a girl I've had sex with before. When I was with her, I got rock hard in a couple of minutes just from kissing, touching and without fantasy. I was up for at least half hour and I needed less stimulation than before. Also it felt a little more sensitive down there (though no O) So after three weeks, that was progress.

    This morning I happened to still feel horny... stumbled upon a trigger, fantasized and ended up relapsing twice to porn. I was the horniest I think I've ever been from the build up, and there was one good point. Though I did PMO, I managed to do so in the conventional means (hand up and down shaft). Usually I had my own weird method of doing it (applying pressure to the top), and couldn't get the conventional way to work (hence my worry about my penis being broken). Both relapses, I managed to ejaculate with the tiniest of lube and the normal motion. Was a bit faster than sex so there's still that to deal with, but it's progress however small.

    So my penis isn't actually broken. Phew.

    I think my main goal right now needs to be to kick the fetish that triggered the relapse. It's difficult to do, because I get flashbacks throughout the day, but if I can manage to do this, I think my chances of relapsing will drop significantly. What's peoples thoughts on this?
  10. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    If you can keep it up for half hour and just from kissing might be time to change your name haha.
  11. ed_nightmare

    ed_nightmare Member

    Haha, well I could. After my lapses I probably can't anymore. But that's okay because I know now I can re-reach that stage :). Could have been a fluke though since I'm very comfortable with her as we've cuddled/slept in the same bed several times.

    I'd like to be able to hit orgasm without porn or porn fantasy, that still eluded me. All of my lapses today were fetish related, I guess I'm kinda worried that if I do lose the fetish I'll lose the ability to orgasm. But then even typing that sounds silly, aha...
  12. ed_nightmare

    ed_nightmare Member

    Feeling really bad today, like the world is crashing down. I keep thinking that the only way I'll ever be able to orgasm is with porn fantasy and that even if I conquer ED this will continue to be the case. I wish I could believe things are on the right path but it all feels hopeless. Read up porn addiction some more and seem some pretty bad accounts of people who abstain but still suffer DE perhaps permanently because sex isn't exciting. I cant face being one of those people.

    I've been using vitamin e oil for a few days but so far all it seems to do is make things down there feel coated with something...no change yet on that front.
  13. Eklo

    Eklo Howdy.

    Sounds to me like you're focusing way to much on the battle itself to win the war. Maybe it's time to try and establish positive habits to get you out of your head and into the real world? I know it's hard man...but don't give up on yourself because a few bad thoughts. Just get out that place you're in and do stuff to keep yourself occupied. It's a band-aid...but it might help.

    Just my two cents. Best of luck friendo.
  14. ed_nightmare

    ed_nightmare Member

    Easier said than done. I suffer from depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation on a daily basis, I live inside my head and have done for years. That was before I learned about this and drove me to new levels of desperation. I spent this entire morning having panic attacks about this and all I want to do is just sleep and forget how irrepairably fucked up I am. All I have to blame is myself.

    I look at people in the street and think 'you have no idea', 'you function properly' 'your sex lives are probably perfect.' I cant stop looking in envy and sadness at what I probably will never have. My last girlfriend left me because of my failure down there. Why wouldn't anyone else?
  15. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    If you have little ED anymore then DE will heal itself with time, its guaranteed man. Lots of guys here cant even get it up and your hard for 30 minutes just give it time, let your skin repair and your brain health return.
  16. Eklo

    Eklo Howdy.

    Listen dude: I go through the same things, I think those thoughts just as often. I live inside myself too, unable to interact with anyone or anything without some measure of fear down inside. Yes, in a very real sense, we are to blame for our addiction. We let it happen. But this also means we have the power to end it. I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. So I'm going to everything in my power to put this shit to a real end this time. No more looking back, only ahead from here on out. I truly wish you the best in doing the same.

    I know that even if I beat this, all of my problems won't be solved. From all I've read on YBOP, I know it will alleviate some of these symptoms we have, but probably not all of them. I know it's a hard journey...but I think that's what makes it worthwhile for guys like you and me: it means that when we finally do conquer this and other obstacles in our way, it will be all the much sweeter for the sacrifice and hardship. But that's just it: it will require something my porn-addled brain is deathly opposed to - work and perseverance.

    If you ever want to talk about it or are having one of those days that just skull-fucks the shit out of you, DM me and we can chat it over.
    Best o luck friendo.

  17. ed_nightmare

    ed_nightmare Member

    Thanks guys, means a lot :)

    Relapsed tonight as I stumbled upon a hidden cache of fetish stuff I didn't realise was there. First a 23 day streak then a 5 day streak. I must be getting weaker. Deleted the cache, applied the vitamin e oil as per normal and am back to square one. Again. Great.

    As punishment I've not allowed myself to go out tonight like I was supposed to, and creating a framework of mental barriers to stop myself from relapsing again. So far I've got:

    STEP 1: My version of the Red X (the visual thought being smashed like a pane of glass, or the sound being silenced).
    STEP 2: What others would think of me if they could see my inner most thoughts.
    STEP 3: What I will be like in a years time if I continue to relapse (flaccid, alone, etc).
    STEP 4: What I could be like in a years time if I choose not to relapse (rock hard, intimate relationship, etc).
    STEP 5: When the thought begins to fade, assure myself I am a step closer towards my goal.

    As for physical barriers, I will try the 'balls in cold water' approach if it occurs at home.

    This sound good?
  18. ed_nightmare

    ed_nightmare Member

    Had my first fantasy free spontaneous hardon in I can't remember how long. Months if not years. This must be progress.
  19. Sturnus

    Sturnus You inspire me

    With those steps. For me the best motivator is that feeling when I resist the urge and rise above it. That sweet sweet victory. Even though it is small and at first it happens day by day.


    Keep on going. Good luck my friend. :)
  20. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    sounds great man. still haven't had one of them yet, not since maybe 17-18.

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