24, Stopping the Descent into Darkness

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by deadofwinter, Apr 6, 2016.

  1. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    (oh and I totally relapsed badly on porn the morning of the day of that Halloween party. I'll reset my counter.)
  2. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    That was a nice update dude, you sound in a good place, even though you watched porn!
    I think that's a real marker of success, just don't get complacent - I'm sure you won't :)
  3. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    I won't, dude! At least, that's really how I feel like.

    I work out every morning for an hour in my room with an online training program, I meditate 2x a day, each day a little better and longer. Instead of having short intense periods of time being in love with myself or hating myself, I just feel comfortable with myself 95% of the time. I'm just so damn grateful I stumbled upon this path of life. But we all know how easy it is to fall back on the 'bad life' (very simplistic: the lazy, unsocial, grumpy, self-hating, unmotivated life). So I'll have to keep doing these things daily. I also watch 'real social dynamics' videos every day, I think they actually really help me. There are a lot of guys who have (had) a hard time in life and found their 'path' and who share their experiences on Youtube. It's really a great age to live in, guys.

    Cheers. I hope you're all doing okay! also I have a 'date' or a 'Netflix and chill' or just a 'chill' next Tuesday, I'm actually not sure what it is, but it's with a girl in her house alone, so yeah! ok!
  4. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Exciting dude!

    Who's the girl?
    How did ya meet :)
  5. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    That's great news dow. It's a huge step. Kissing a girl at the party especially whom you have not known is great. Keep moving forwards.
  6. jkl

    jkl Member

    I just recently got tinder and set up the account. Not sure how it works entirely. So if you swipe right does the person get a notification and vice versa? Can you only message people who also liked you? How often do you get to meet with the people on tinder? Do the options where you have to pay prove to be better than the free version or is it just a waste of money?
  7. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Don't pay anything for Tinder. Also, even in major markets, I would say that you'll meet with around 5-10% of the people you match with. This is my experience with it, but it could be different for you.
  8. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    I've also made the mistake of relapsing after a good party or having a good time in general. Like I got a good grade after working so hard for an exam, I'll PMO as a reward. PMOing due to that has proven to me to not being as destructive as pmoing off an impulse or compulsion. The different is that in one case you control the situation, while the other you lose control. Make sure that you stay in control of your horse moving forward.
    Good stuff on kissing the girl at the party.
  9. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Thanks guys!

    Man I was doing so good. I was DOING SO GOOD, LIKE 50 DAYS.

    But I relapsed three times in a row the last days, after a wet dream. It's weird!
    And oh god I've talked to findom girls again, (financial domination), it's the worst. Luckily I'm poor af so I don't ever send them anything and just kind of waste their time but I like them trying to mindtrick me into sending money.
    Like: I'm actually actively mindtricking them into mindtricking me, it's so stupid!!!

    The worst part is, I really don't have time for this shit, I have a lot of deadlines and stuff. It's just that those girls push ALL the right buttons in me. I think I could talk with them for hundreds of years and I still would be excited. The problem is: a lifetime isn't long enough and actually way too short to spend it on this.

    ugh, but still, I haven't deleted their conversations yet and secretely I'm hoping one of them will message me again.


    yours truly,
  10. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    50 days!!!!

    That's amazing, dude.

    I hope the next few weeks go well for you:)
    How did you with 50 days behind you?
    deadofwinter likes this.
  11. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Omg, you're focussing on the positive side, that is brilliant and you are a great human being.
    They were good, right now I feel kind of uninspired and unfocused. It's easy to take for granted how good you can feel when you're on nofap.
    I had a lot of energy etc.

    Although, I've had times in my life that long streaks like that (or like 20 etc) would really turn me into a super human, talking to everyone on the train etc. Lately, nofap doesn't do that for me anymore. Not sure what changed...!

    Ah well, back to it I guess!! :)
    I'm a bit ill right now, which isn't helping, and I slept bad because of insane urges that left me shaking :|
  12. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Hey, I've been dipping in and out (and very much enjoying) your 31 songs.

    That is NOT uninspired, or unfocused :)

    No one has limitless inspiration. Don't feel bad about giving yourself some time to absorb other people's ideas for a little while. And to get yourself feeling better.

  13. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Omg thanks, that's really awesome to hear! I'm working on putting them up on Bandcamp as an album.

    You're right, I could use a small break.

    OMG happy new year to you too! I hope you had a great night!

    I was a bit too focussed on scoring girls and forgot to have fun. Was not a good idea.

    Something else that's not a good idea is that I've been chatting with findom girls this morning and just now. If there's one addiction that's raging in me, it's that. I need to get my act together because I've been walking around with a foggy head because of it.

    YES I WILL FIGHT IT. and I will write here every day again, I don't know why I thought I could do without a journal.

  14. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Okay, these have been some very bad days. Not so much in how I feel, but in how much steps I've been taking backwards in fighting the femdom/findom porn addiction. Since Tuesday I've been talking to findom girls on twitter almost constantly. It was like I just couldn't quit, mostly because part of me really didn't want to.

    Well, I just relapsed and I'm happy to say I found back my will to fight this thing. It's too time consuming and it's not helping me with getting where I want to go in life. I deleted the twitter account I had those girls on and I'll keep my freaking guard up as high as I can the coming time.

    After the relapse I cleaned myself up, and danced to a song in my room for 4 minutes, letting everything out. It sounds ridiculous, and that's probably what it looked like, but it was the best moment since I blew my 50 days streak last week. All this confusion, double feelings, hurt, arousal, dreams, disappointments, complexities of the world, idk, everything kind of turned into energy to dance my life away. <3

    Day 1, guys. Once again!
    100DaysMission likes this.
  15. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    OKAY so appearently, THIS is day 1. Ok!

    I feel a sense of freedom again that I haven't felt the last few days, as I was constantly checking my Twitter DM messages and waiting for them to come in.

    A big lesson to be learned is (and I think I already learned this one a few times already): not relapsing at all is easier than relapsing 'just once'. After that first kind of innocent relapse ("It's been so long, it's not that bad, I'll just continue with my streak now") it's hard not to relapse once more, and start a full time edging binge.

    Anyway, lots of things to do today, I feel a bit like death but not necessarily because of relapsing, I just have the flu :x

    good luck everyone
  16. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    I hope you get well soon!

    Use your recovery to aid your other recovery haha, another fresh start - it'll be easier with a healthy human looking after your head:)
  17. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    btw this didn't mean that I relapsed again, it's just that the counter starts at 0 instead of 1.

    DAY 2
    this is so true, dude! Even when one doesn't have the flu, they should take good care of themselves; exercise, eat well etc. because it makes being happy so much easier! It's kind of basic life-stuff, but worded like that it makes a bit more sense. idk. mental en physical health are tied together, sometimes it's easy to forget that, especially when you're not healthy at that moment.
    I just read what I wrote above; not the greatest smartest thing I've ever written. Bit of trouble with concentrating atm!

    Anyway. just watched Dunkirk, awesome movie, very much recommended.
    Back to working on art again now. cheeeerio
  18. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Day 3!
    I'm totally fine, really focussed, really glad :)

  19. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Day 4!

    Mentally I'm all okay! I've some side effects of a medication I'm taking, but they'll probably pass not too long from now. The side effects are not too extreme, kind of a dull foggy head though!

    I found out an amazing chill spot in my room, the open window. I love it! I can see the cars pass by, see the sun go down behind the rooftops, see the stars at night. I'm gonna try and make it even chiller with some pillows and what not. I can smell burning wood coming from outside as I'm writing this, I just love it.

    Welp, hope everyone is doing swell!
    100DaysMission likes this.
  20. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Day 6!

    The fever kind of attacked me mentally too today! Or it's the medication stuff I'm taking, I'm not sure. Either way, whatever, I'll try not to make too big a deal out of it. First I'll have to let this fever pass. :)


    100DaysMission likes this.

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