Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by deadofwinter, Apr 6, 2016.
ah wow. Yes, sometimes you need a friend to state the obvious. I need that monthly
So, I'm 6 days without P, I did 'M and O' 6 days ago though because I felt like if I didn't do that, I would go into the other room and get my phone to watch femdom crap!
Anyway, I've had some urges today. I was at a club/party thing yesterday night and there were lots of attractive girls and that's always kind of frustrating because I don't ever approach anyone. Today I was a bit hungover and depressed/empty. I sat behind my computer all alone and my mind started to go into the direction of femdom/findom etc. I could've gone to google and do it, I didn't really seem to care, but I didn't. Instead, I got up and went to the gym. so that's nice I guess
I'm trying to view myself as essentially a rational thinker more and more and that image of oneself helps with making smarter decisions. So yeah. great
It's that time of the year again: I installed Tinder. I've never had a date through Tinder. I have such a hard time taking things seriously. I'm not a person who REALLY writes something about themselves in the description of Tinder, it just seems so fucking lame! so instead I write something super ironic or meta or whatever. .... To somehow show my intelligence or something? It's so dumb, really. Most girls don't even get those things.
Like, right now, I've got a picture of me drinking a beer because that's 100% the opposite image of who I am. But what the fuck am I supposed to do, show my real self? Pics of me playing guitar or stage or whatever? IT WOULD FEEL LIKE THE LAMEST THING! But it's dumb like I said. Because this way I won't connect to girls who COULD like the real me and I won't connect to, excuse my french, 'slutty normies' either. GOD! I'm just on Tinder fetishizing my own intelligence and originality while everyone else goes on dates. Sometimes I hate myself.
I got three matches last night 1 hour after installing Tinder, but one was my EX GF. Ugh. I don't WANT her to see me like I'm so desperately in need of human contact. Maybe that's why I can't put anything sincere in my photos and descriptions. I don't want her to see me actually trying to get a girl. All these people around me view me as someone who doesn't believe in all that crap, as someone who makes fun of people who write things unironically in their descriptions. I'm the fucking pinnacle of post-modern irony. I'm even trying to sound smart on a freaking porn addiction forum by using the word 'post-modern'. GOD I AM THE WOOOOORST.
So, yeah, just another day I guess.
I hope all of you are well and happy! x
dude you are basically me. not being weird but: "All these people around me view me as someone who doesn't believe in all that crap, as someone who makes fun of people who write things unironically in their descriptions. I'm the fucking pinnacle of post-modern irony. I'm even trying to sound smart on a freaking porn addiction forum by using the word 'post-modern'. GOD I AM THE WOOOOORST."
You are the only other person i've seen who would do something to be be deceptive or sneaky and then call himself out on it. I even somehow take pride in that kind of honesty. i read some of your posts, i couldn't get through everything cuz its 22 pages.
Positives for both of us- We know now, for a fact, that femdom is bad, just a result of pathology. I spent so long wondering if maybe femdom was normal, maybe theres just a small section of society where that is what they should do. Definitely false. I remember even reading testimonials from women in marriages and they never seemed too thrilled about doing s & m scenes with their husbands. It was always grudgingly.
On other peoples' posts I started writing tips and getting to preachy. So with you I'd rather try just having a conversation, if you're down. Starting with tinder. I also constantly wonder how I should use that app, and also feel the pressure to not come across pathetic to people. Especially since my law class is a small group of 150 so a lot of people know each other, and that could get around fast. I also wonder if i should put my honest self, or try and do whatever I can to be as attractive as possible. Don't you think putting pics of yourself that don't reflect you is dishonest? What are your thought on tinder?
"Thanks guys for the support, but I failed you! :-[
I relapsed. Fuck! Haha. :
errrhmm. Yeah. I don't feel too bad about it because 40 days is a lot, but of course it would've been better if I hadn't done it.
I gathered some new thoughts because of this relapse:
First of all: relapsing is no fun. I felt better after the relapse than during, super weird. It was like okay I'm watching P and I don't really like it but I can't stop and have to look for the perfect video while the clock is ticking away. Afterwards I was like; okay, at least I'm done now, finally!
Which brings me to my second point: I don't feel bad at all! I know if I'd go on a PMO binge right now, I'd become suicidal and depressed and totally unsocial again and stuff so I won't do that. But I wasn't feeling that good anyway the last days! If this relapse can bring me any motivation to put myself in good situations again, I might even be happier post-relapse than before!
Thing is; these streaks shouldn't (for me at least) be about numbers, so I won't keep a counter anymore. It's not my mission to abstain from porn X days, it's to abstain from porn forever, so why count? Even more so: it's about feeling good and creative and being productive. I'll give each day a grade (or whatever) and I'll try to think of ways I could better myself and life.
I'm gonna keep on posting every day but this time it will be more focussed on improving life:
- The social part
- The productive part (creativity; music)
- Feelings, do I feel right in my skin, can I watch out of the window at night and feel content etc.
Of course the red thread of my entries will be abstaining from PMO but if there's one thing that I've learned in the last 40 days. Happiness does not solely come from abstaining, it comes from the stuff you do!
Well, good luck all! I'm gonna go on keeping on and I hope you're not too disappointed in me."
This post hits home with me. I reached 85 days before and I relapsed. I think what you said is really important, that it's important to not only stop but to really focus on what you do with your time, setting and reaching for goals, being mindful of yourself, and increasing your social skills
me too man. I went from 'I'll just embrace it' to 'this shit is making me miserable and is not normal"
Yeah, but the problem is that somehow doing that totally reflects my real self. In the description, I put something that makes it clear that I'm just having fun with overdoing the whole cliché 'guy who loves beer and parties' image, thereby saying that I'm not that. But I thought about it. Maybe instead of showing what I'm not, maybe can show them what I am. So I changed my picture and description yesterday night to a photo where I'm brushing my teeth. It seems like the silly intimate thing that partly describes me. (and I look kind of good in that picture, so yeah..). I think I need to express my humor somehow to them tinder girls. In the end I think that's THE thing I've always missed with girls I've dated: they don't get my (sometimes meta-referential) jokes and their jokes were cringeworthy. Anyway, NOW I'LL JUST WAIT AS THE MATCHES COME.
I hate it. I hate that it exists, I hate that I feel I need it to even get in contact with girls. I think it doesn't help with the way people think of each other. I think it's superficial, and one of the problems with superficiality is that the people who aren't super-attractive are the instant losers in the game. Without a chance! So there will be a lot of losers and people feeling hurt and lonely, and the latter one is a big problem (these days). I tend to be very empathetic with the lonely/small/worried/less-attractive things in the world, so it hurts me to think that Tinder is (in)directly making them feel a little worse about themselves and the world.
But hey, this hypocrite of a crap human is using it! I just hope I can quickly get what I want from it and dash out of there again.
Yeah, that's a good one to remember. Also, don't spend your streak asking yourself: "Am I feeling good? Am I feeling good? Hey.. why am not feeling as good as yesterday? Weird, I don't really feel good. Am I feeling good?"
'just be' is a thing I've learned from streaks.
A week, nice! Am I feeling good? yeah, I am, actually.
I have the feeling that this streak is going to be a successful one. I'm officially ready to leave the PMO behind and work on all different parts of my life.
I'm the fucking pinnacle of post-modern irony. I'm even trying to sound smart on a freaking porn addiction forum by using the word 'post-modern'. GOD I AM THE WOOOOORST.
You're the BEEEEEST.
Haha, you make me giggle.
And I'm glad you're feeling good in the main.
You wrote with a lot of rationality - run with it!
Why would you, when you can walk purposefully.
Keep it up
lol why do you think you're a hypocrite of a human? Sounds like you are pretty genuine. Then again its easier to be genuine online than in person so only you know yourself.
I think tinder can be a great tool if used properly. What i am doing right now is if a girl's info is just her intagram then I swipe left because I assume she just wants to expand her audience of praise and i don't really want a girl that obsessed with her own beauty. I don't mind it a bit but not over the top. I actually read their bio and see if they wrote a little something. The more they wrote the more they probably intend to actually meet people.
Thanks mate I will.
Because I do feel there's something wrong with Tinder and I turn that thought off so I can use it myself.
This is true, I am! But the problem with that is: I know my faults, and I can write them down, but sometimes I don't change them, which makes it even worse because I'm aware of it..
I love this, thank you! I'll try this too then
An often overlooked benefit of NoFap, at least by me, (incoming bathroom thought): NoFap isn't just the rebalancing of the brain, it's also a sense of hope, change and control. There are so many things that feel out of our hands (hair loss, your face, some talents, the weather, and sometimes how you feel (esp on PMO)) but with NoFap you gain the feeling that by changing the things you can control, you can affect the things you can't control or at least the way you deal with them.
Basic example, a rainy day:
On PMO: "ugh it's raining, I hate rain, I can't do anything now, I'm stuck in this house... I'm stuck in life, I'm stuck with this face, I'm doomed FOR LIFE I SHOULD JUST KILL MYSELF"
On NoFap: "ah it rains! anyways.. I'm going to the gym at 8:45 so I'll just continue eating my breakfast right now" and then 10 minutes later: *puts on coat and rides bike to the gym*.
I have to go to bed right now so I can't write more than this, but there's a lot more to it obviously.
ALSO. I'm totally aware that I've suddenly become this very rational guy sort of person. I do tend to go through phases of extreme emotion and extreme rationality. I sort of need to grow up and balance those two and mix them together.
Still going strong.
A new thing I've been doing lately is meditating. I try to do it at least once a day for +/- 8 minutes.
Normally when I tried to meditate I was expecting something magical to happen, which obviously was not beneficial. Now I just sit and be aware of thoughts and sounds. It relaxes me and gives me a little more control over my thoughts and feelings throughout the day, which is helpful for nofap too.
Meditation is awesome. I should beat myself up more for never sticking to it, keep at it dude, you're doing better than me already!
Always good to hear from you
Thanks guys! I really appreciate it.
Awesome insightful information @HowToKapow, thank you!
So, day 15!
It sort of says: hey, you're just beginning, but it's obvious that you're serious about it.
And I am, truly!
I workout every day, I meditate every day (GOD, I JUST LOVE IT, the only times I don't do it is if I forget to, but it doesn't feel like a burden at all. It does feel like something that will get even better over time, as I learn to stop following random thoughts)
I feel creative overall, I have funny comebacks on WhatsApp and in real life. I'm glad that I'm doing this
NO CHICKS THOUGH, NOT NEAR ME, AT LEAST!
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1wJOZ5TNpZ3OToLiH7d3lR <- this really helped me the first few times
or if you don't have spotify:
I had a cold sore (WHICH IS the worst, especially if you've got an obsessive character like I do, I just want to find a way not to get them anymore!) anyway. Apparently, I scratched it and now it's all over my chin and it itches and burns and throbs and is basically the worst thing ever.
But IDK, I don't feel as miserable as usual. I mean it looks disgusting but I'm like ok it'll pass. A thing that helps tho is that I don't have to go outside until saturday, I think it'll be a little better by then. But even thinking about having to face people causes less stress in me than normally when I have a cold sore outbreak.
Still, they suck ass!
16 days motherfuckers! <3
excuse my french
Nice dude, 16 days is getting hot!
You sound calm, and focused. We're proud!
I'm still in
Got a very busy day ahead. Tonight dinner with a friend, tomorrow dinner and a concert with my sister and brother in law. And playing concerts on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with my band.
I had a not-so-nice day yesterday, but the thought "be strong(er)" really helped me and I did all my meditation and workout things either way.
Wow! Sounds like things are going well with your band, and that sounds like a challenging weekend - in a good way.
Looking forward to hearing how things go, and congratulations again for the progress you're making
Thanks mate :- ) Yeah I'm really curious to see whether it has any effects on my mind and body. I mean, if things are going as I wish they would, I need to be ready for tours of a month or longer etc. (like, eventually.)
I have to say there is some more arousal in me the last few days. It'll be okay but it hasn't been really challenging until now.
Also, @100DaysMission, I was wondering, what did you do right with Tinder? Like, did you talk a lot before going on a date or did you ask their number quite quickly or did you ask the date as soon as possible so that you wouldn't be bored of each other on whatsapp. I could really use some help in that section.
Also, maybe I should use my concerts more to like actually meet people (/girls). I always felt a bit weird and fake to 'use' my music things in the girls-section-of-my-life, and also I tend to forget about that stuff on those nights. But it's the biggest part of my life, so maybe I should use it more. Also like a day after our last concert in Amsterdam, I actually got an email from a fan-girl who loves the music and has art of mine on her walls, who was at the concert but didn't speak to me. IT'S WEIRD! Maybe I'm not approachable enough or something. I'll just start yelling out in between the songs "I'M ON TINDER, I'M SELF CONSCIOUS, I FEAR I'LL DIE ALONE, COME TALK TO ME AFTER THE SHOW"
You should totally call that out at a show, haha! Even if it didn't work, it would be hilarious and sweet and endearing.
You never know who you'll meet
I only went on Tinder for a couple of months, I think I had beginner's luck. But I tried to get numbers within 4-5 days of a match, that worked well.
But just be honest. Your written communication is awesome, and don't be afraid to show it off. There will be so many guys who talk without emotion, or humour, or eloquence - and you're not one of them. It'll set you apart
On Tinder I always propose meeting up for coffee or a drink to get to know who she is. (read: not so she can see if she likes me but the other way around, imho that's the frame you should set, not being arrogant ofcourse, more "she seems like a nice girl so let's find out" kind of way). When she says she'd like that aswell you ask her when she is free and then set a day and time.
How do you know it's time to ask her: If she is responding enthusiastically or is asking you questions back or when she starts responding with longer answers, ...
Im my case usually it happend, the same day, or if she wasn't responding quickly a bit later but that's more because we were both busy and didn't have much time to chat. Sure you can wait longer and the girls who like you will still go out but you are just allowing for her to get distracted, bored of chat, meet someone else. so moving fast is better
If she's vague about when she can meet up or says she is really busy at the moment, be cool, say " no worries, just let me know when you have some free time and maybe we can meet up" and proceed with your conversation like you would anyways. Then afterwards when she does feels comfortable to meet up she will say "let's get that coffee we talked about!". Even if you don't really go on with the conversation and let it die naturally she will start talking to you again some days later (even had girls start talking to me again after a few months!). If not, nothing was going to happen anyway, really
If a girl canceled last minute or doesn't show up? same thing: " no worries, just let me know when you have some free time and maybe we can meet up" or something like that. In my journal I talk about a girl who I named C. I met her on Tinder, she canceled a few minutes before the date, I responded like I said before, she started talking to me a few weeks later, we talked again for a while, I proposed a meet up again because I didn't wanted to keep talking on Tinder if it wasn't going anywhere. And I met a great girl this way, even would have had first date sex if it wasn't for PIED
Funny thing, I still can't get a straight answer out of her about why she canceled haha but it's clear she just got nervous and got cold feet. She admitted afterwards she was really nervous when did meet as well. Point being, girls don't cancel or don't show up because they are mean or unrespectful. They are just nervous or unsure as well and you feeling offended won't get you anything.
How I mostly get a conversation going is asking how their day was. If you get a socially experienced girl she'll get this is an open question and tell you what she did that day. Mostly though you'll just get a "Fine how was your day? " or worse just "Fine".
I go on saying a sentence about my day and ask her to relate.
example "Yeah today I went to park something something and blabla, have you ever been there?" afterwards you ask if she liked it, etc etc. If she hasn't been , you ask where does she like to go or what else she does with her free time...
example 2 "I had tough day at work, today some problem arised and I had no way how to fix it haha, it all worked out in the end which is fulfilling " (don't be to negative) "but after days like this I'm just glad I am home and can relax in the sofa for a while, you know what I mean? btw what do you do?" the she can relate to having a tough day at work, tell you what she does, ... and the conversation can go on...
So just natural human conversation. Maybe not the best examples haha I just typed something random that popped in my head.
So that's how I use Tinder. I thought I'd share it, My answer is a bit longer than expected haha but that always happens what I started writing something on here
I'm definitely not saying I'm an expert. Just thought you might think the same, if not forget what I said.
It's been a while since I used Tinder myself because I'm seeing a girl regulary and that's all I can handle at the moment lol
Good luck meeting some awesome girls =D !
Thanks for your replies guys. Sorry for not responding sooner. And also sorry that I'm, right now, not able to respond more thoroughly.
Your're right. I think both my written and real-life (whatever the word is in this silly language) speech talk stuff is very energetic and -you already wrote it out perfectly.
@hopeforchange, I read your (awesome wall of) text last week and it really helped me understand the 'rules' of the game a bit better. THANKS X1000. I'll keep you noted on my progress.
I've been a bit busy the last few weeks with concerts and stuff. AND I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU GUYS: I KISSED A GIRL AT A PARTY. I've never done that before. I was always too scared to approach girls and what not and it kind of seemed like something that would never happen.
What happened: lately, partly because of meditation (I think) I'm much more able to be content with myself and just chill out wherever I am. I also adopted the life motto "to live is to risk it all". Especially during concerts I like thinking this because it makes me feel like I can do whatever because I'll die either way and it takes a fucking load off. I love it.
I went through 6 days of a semi-hell because I took Propecia (the anti-baldness medication). I thought it was a placebo for a while but I realized soon enough I was really not feeling good. Walked around like a zombie, constantly tired with a big pressure in my head and a headache. Anyway, I stopped taking it and watched a lot of videos of guys who accepted themselves and it really changed my view on things. I used to constantly feel like my life was heading in a negative direction. Now I no longer feel that way and I have to say it completely took away my biggest source of misery. I know it sounds vain and what not but it's the truth.
ANYWAY: I went to a halloween party with friends and I approached two girls with a friend because I was like fuck it and we had a small talk and it was ok, I didn't really care, I was really enjoying myself and I was NOT completely focussed on getting girls like I normally was, even though I already approached more girls than ever in my life on that night. I was there just to enjoy myself. As long as I only do things to enjoy myself, it's a win win. So I danced and was just silly for a while. Then a blonde girl started talking to me later. She was super hot and I didn't really understand what was happening but it all went super naturally and stuff. Before I knew it she said something like "I almost kissed you just now" and I was like ok I'll just kiss you this seems like a pretty big hint. And then we kissed and danced and held hands for the night.
It was fun! But before I talked to that girl it was also fun. Idk, it was both fun! I always wanted to kiss at a party with someone I didn't know. I'm happy I've done it because now I know it feels a bit empty and it's not something to obsess about, it's just fun.
Anyway. TTYL guys! I really hope everyone has such a rich two weeks life-lessons wise.
and idk, this music thing, it feels like it's really going somewhere. cheers
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