I relapsed 2 days ago, now I'm trying to find ways to be accountable and a journal will be very important for the recovery process. Some years ago I used this webpage to recover but I, was different, more immature back then. Many things have changed, I have learned a lot. I hope someone will help me through this process, and I really hope someone will find this useful. I will try to make my story as short as possible. First of all I think everyone has their own reasons to start watching porn: Insecurities, lack of love, fear of being rejected, being horny, curious, a need for emotional discharge. In my case it was the loss of a family member that caused me a lot of pain, and as a coping mechanism I turned to porn. With time the porn use increased, I started edging, escalating into gay porn and having a lot of anxiety because of HOCD "Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" (anxiety of being gay or having gay thoughts). Due to this extreme use of porn, the idea of being sexually active and being with a girl disappeared, clouded by the thoughts of being gay and the insecurities of having real sexual contact with anyone, specially due to bad body image (extremely skinny). But an important step was taken, I realized I had a problem, and that Porn was the main thing to blame. I finished school, went to university and started studying, I realized I could change my body image by going to the gym which I did, and felt a great pleasure doing it, increasing 30 pounds in two years. My body was ready to have a great great sex, my mind still wasn't. Due to better internet, I started looking at more and more porn, for hours a day, Edging harder and harder, looking at webcams, participating in gay chatrooms where I felt great turn ons but no emotional connection to anyone. I felt empty, alone, and realized that good years of my youth were being wasted and being replaced by just porn. My 22 birthday came up, and I realized that I was still a virgin, still addicted to porn, my cravings for a real relationship were stronger than ever but my addiction was very strong too. I had learned a lot though: A very important conclusion for HOCD, I was not gay, I didn't wan't to have a romantic relationship with a man, I wanted to have a wife, kids, and had no real romantic desire to men. I wanted to construct my life around a female partner and that is what counts when choosing your sexual orientation. Gay men feel they want to be with a man since they were kids, Heterosexual people feel the same way. If you are a HOCD sufferer, let go of any labels, consider yourself a sexual person and that's it, if you need a label consider yourself bisexual but don't worry about being this or that, just let go and the anxiety will go away. Therapy is very useful when dealing with this problem, When I got to college, I started therapy and realized that I hadn't processed a lot from the death of my relative, the pain around it, and most of my porn usage was coming out of that. Realizing this and separating both issues independently helped me a lot when trying to battle this addiction. Understand why you started using porn is vital in letting go of it. When I turned 22 though I had stopped going to therapy for a long time, It mas time to start again but with the objective of dealing with the porn addiction directly. This gave me great insights and tools to battle it. I was physically very active and fit, I was doing good at school but I was still a virgin, with very little contact with girls. I wasn't going out enough and was surrounded by great friends but all of them had girlfriends. Therapy took away the fear and anxiety of sexual encounters and motivated me to look for some. This summer, USA's winter. I was more than one month into abstinence. I met once again with a girl that I had dated before and in a great turn of events I had sex with her, It was great, i have to admit that I had insecurities, but for many nights we met up and had great sex. This gave me a great sense of accomplishment, and I told myself that I needed to learn more about sex in order to get better. Sooo I got back into porn to investigate, there was no masturbation but I quickly fell back into my old habits of PMO. After the holidays we met up again and still had great sex, but Performance anxiety started to kick in, Something that I dealed with, by talking to her about me being anxious during sex, and asking for her patience. That solved most of the problem, I could get hard and have sex even after having ED. Focusing on the other persons body and feelings, realizing that orgasm is not the objective in sex helped me a lot. But porn continues to this day and I feel is still affecting the relationship or at least my view and desire that I have for her. Thats is why I want to quit definitely. Being a virgin, I didn't realize what I was missing out, but now I want to have a great sexual life and i'm willing to fight for it. I hope this is the final recovery process, I will update as time goes by to see how is everything going. I really hope to find help in this webpage, and I hope I'm helping someone else.