I had amazing sexual experiences, girlys used to do anything for me many times. I´ve had been together with around 15 girls I´ve had anal with 5-6 of them, I gave facial cumshot to 3, one gave me a blowjob at 8 in the morning in a park where people were passing by, I had anal sex with a beautiful African girl in an elevator, and so on. However now I´m functionally impotent. If I can get it up, I cum in 5 secs. My erections are 40%. I wrecked up my vision (I have eye floaters due to the dopamine level changes), my ears are buzzing and I became a bit deaf, my memory is fucked up, my penis and my balls are tiny as a baby´s, my ass and dick is constantly itching, I´ve seminal leakage, I have lower back pain and penis pain, PE and ED (basically no erection stronger than 40%), chronic fatigue and sleeping disorders. My life is completely fucked up, even though I´ve always had girlfriends. I spend my time and energy to look up exercises and herbs to regain my masculinity, so now finally I started this blog. It´s gonna be a really long journey; let me tell you about my past: I´m 29 and started to watch porn around 12, however I was hooked to masturbation even much earlier. I think my first erection might have been at the age of 5, and as soon as I took notice of my boner, I started to play with my dick. When I started my bad habit, I started to rub my dick to the bedsheet before falling asleep, and came after a couple of seconds. I always went for quick satisfaction and gratification. As I considered my dick pretty small (it is somewhat under the average, but it´s quite small when flaccid), I was pretty sure that I would never have a girlfriend. Consequently, I lived in my imaginations with everyone (classmates, teachers, classmates´moms...). So by the time of like 14 I´d already used MO for being able to fall asleep and to escape my anxiety. As I considered myself a small-dicked guy, I´ve always felt inferior to others, someone who hasn´t got the same rights to have a chick he likes. At the same time, of course, I became really shy: I was afraid of showing my emotions just as I was scared to show my body to others. When I was 14 I started to drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes and weed. I was 15 when I started to go out with my first girlfriend (RH). She´s three and a half years older than me, and we´re together for over 5 years. She was a really cool, smart, sexy, femminine... Actually sex was pretty good with her (oral, anal...), she had nice big tits and ass, but I kept on wanking off to porn and to other girls. She could have satisfied me, but I couldn´t feel satisfied because I hated my body. I felt that I couldn´t satisfy her, which was partly true, cause I´m not big and I always came pretty early (thanks to porn and that I wired my brain to cum early), but I was amaying in oral, in caressing, and she really loved me. So we were together for years, I wasn´t brave enough to break up, but not even to cheat on her (in spite of several offers), cause I was scared that someone would know that I have a small prick. During these years (between 15 and 20) I developed a really serious level of porn addiction. I guess that sometimes I had more than a dozen of PMOs a day. I think the normal was somewhere between 5 and 10. Many times when I woke up, I rubbed it to the bedsheet; a couple of seconds, and done. Coming back from school: first thing is turning on the PC and start to consume my daily dosage. Of course, whole afternoons, whole nights. I didn´t have many hobbies as I was timid ("if I start, I will fail and everyone will make fun of me" <--- the same shy attitude), I played music till the age of 12, and I could´ve take up anything, languages, art... but I didn´t. I didn´t do any sports, which helped me to fuck up even more my HGH and testosterone production. (to tell the truth if I shave my thin and sparse beard, I look like a 20 year old guy. Due to the overmasturbation I didn´t produce enough HGH, so I´m like I was 10 years younger) Beating out, drinking and smoking with my buddies and being with my gf. That was my life. After secondary school first I went to a collage I really didn´t like, and when I was 20 I changed. Here I met a no really beautiful and nothing-special girl (UG) who fell in love with me. And somehow me too... We broke up with RH and I started to date this other girl. We had sex, she was really loose, she had no experience (no blowjobs, bc she was afraid that she wouldn´t do it well) and I didn´t have high libido bc I didn´t like her, so none of us really enjoyed it. In the subsequent 3 years I was playing with their emotions and I didn´t really realize that I was a narcistic egoist dickhead. I was together with one of them, than breakup, together with the other, back and forth, two girls at the same time... It was horrible. At the end of the College RH finally got a new bf (at the beginning of the relationship she cheated him with me), and we broke up with UG finally (it was easier, bc we didn´t go to the same school anymore). When I thought that finally I will be free, my relationship dependency pulled me back. One of my best friends (SX) told me that she fell in love with me. I couldn´t say no bc I didn´t want to lose her as a friend, so we started a relationship. Actually most of my friends and my brother was against this relationship, so we locked ourselves up: we were friends, we had really good sex (actually she was full of sexual power) and we used drugs. What else did we need? Well, needless to say that I wasn´t happy. I started synthetic (and other) drugs when I was 20-21 (what I have tried so far, many times: cigarette, alcohol, weed, hash, laughing gas, mushroom, mdma, ecstasy, lsd, 2cb, speed, cocaine, ketamine, xanax once, tramadol a couple of times), and sometimes I abused them as well. Sometimes I worked on amphetamine or on mdma, I was a daily smoker between 20 and 27, now it´s still a problem, and before the age of 20 it was, as well. OK, back to my sexual problems: I was together with SX for 2 years and my main health problems began that time. It started with prostatitis-like symptoms, lower pain, urinary problems, ED. (in fact the symptoms started before, I just didn´t want to notice them. By that time I´d already had bruises in my anus, on my scrotum and even on my dick. It was itching, it looked like a bacterial or fungual infection. I still don´t know what it is. Obviously I´d already had incipient ED problems and PE as well, as I mentioned, but at that moment it wasn´t concerning. Penis and testicle shrinkage was a pretty serious problem as well due to excessive masturbation; as a matter of fact it wasn´t shrinkage, but they didn´t even had the opportunity to grow. (my length was 5,5-5,7", but my girth was only around 4,3 when I had erections. Now I cannot even measure it.) But then I didn´t know the connection between my and my abusive behaviour.) So I started to go to urologists who didn´t find anything, so I started a special sort of Kegel exercise. This was when I was 25-26. So I came to realise that my problems are due to porn overuse and excessive masturbation. But by that time I´d already had been using it for over 10 years, plus another 6-7 years of excessive masturbation, so I couldn´t stop. I reduced the level to 1-2 daily, but that was still too much. Sometimes I could skip 2-3 days, but then I relapsed. After a while I discovered OpenDNS (god bless its inventor), so I watched porn 4-5 times in total in the past 6 months (when I wasn´t at home). however, I have to completely stop MO as well, bc I feel pain after ejaculation. I keep track of MOs since the 3rd of November: 3/11, 2/12, 4/12, 16/12, 19/12, 24/12, 26/12, 27/12, 31/12, 1,/1, 2/1, 3/1, 9/1, 19/1, 22/1, 7/2, 9/2, (10/2), 18/3, 29/3, 1/4, 4/4, 4/4, 4/4, 10/4, 12-/4, 14/4, 22/4, 3/5, 12/5, 13/5, 22/5, 5/6, 9/6, 14/6, 19/6, 24/6, 29/6, 30/6, 2/7, 5/7, 9/7, 11/7, 14/7, 19/7, 23/7, 26/7, 27/7, 2/8, 7/8, 9/8, 11/8, 15/8, 16/8, 19/8 As you can see I wasn´t at home in the Christmas break... So now I´m at day 11. I´m taking vitamins and I orderes a couple of months ago many adaptogens and herbs, but they were really cheap, so probaqbly they didn´t really do much (Fo Ti, Passionflower, Griffona, Astragalus Membrancenus, Cistanche, Fructus Cnidii, Dodder seed, Oyster...). I ordered a box of Ashwagandha and I still have some leftover from the previous herbs. I´ll keep track here how my abstinence goes, how I build and destroy my body and my mind. Just to say, as I´ve always had, now I have gf as well, but we have no sexual relationship. She has aöways had problems with her appearance and I´m unable to have sex. Obviously she knows nothing about my porn addiction, only about my weird health issue and that I have to do Kegel exercises every day. Yes, this story is extreeeemely long, just as my long-standing addiction. It´s gonna be at least a 3-4 years long journey to overcome it, and hopefully I won´t fuck up this time. If anyone has any observations, please let me know, and if you have questions about Kegel or herbs/adaptogens, feel free to ask, I might know something that you don´t. LEt´s do it together, we´re not alone!