20+ Years a Slave

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TheUnhappyFapper, Mar 3, 2022.

  1. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Ola my no-fap bros.

    My apologies for having gone silent this past week.

    To cut a long story short, following about eight days of intense temptation coupled with prolonged isolation and loneliness over the long Easter weekend, i capitulated to my escort desire yesterday. It got to the point where i couldn't stand being in my apartment and no matter how much i prayed, it just overwhelmed me in the end - late last night to be specific.

    I had come home from gym and felt incredibly depressed. Like what was the point of doing all this? The voices of discouragement were especially strong so much so that at around 1am, i conceded. No PMO, but i just wanted a release and a feminine touch. I called up an escort, arranged a meetup, and, as you can expect for a guy with 2 months worth of male jelly and frustration stored up, i lasted all of 10 seconds. As with Russians, although she was a looker, it was all very transactional and impersonal and not what i wanted. I left feeling awful and still do, although as with PMO there is now a strong chaser effect which i am trying to fight off. So while i did manage to resist PMO, the addiction has transformed itself into something worse.

    Truth be told, i am at my wits end because the key to this whole recovery thing is being able to channel your manly desires towards women, an outlet which i don't have and which i have no idea when it will come about. My social situation is lousy and without that, i don;t know how this will work.

    Anyway, I'm going to try keep this journal going. Please pray for me guys as i am really struggling with this thing and the reason why i started this recovery seems to be fading away.

    Thanks as always
    Saville likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You have to decide what you want. Nobody said it was going to easy. Everyone of us has had a fall, but it's our own responsibility to pick ourselves up and get back with the program.
    Living and TheUnhappyFapper like this.
  3. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    You're right Saville man, as always.

    I thought the meeting would bring me the release i was hoping for, instead it brought me the exact opposite. Despite this, the temptation to relapse again is still there in the back of my mind now and so i'm really trying hard to fight it off.

    if i can ask, how many times did you relapse on your current recovery and how did you get yourself back on the wagon thereafter? I found this https://mywealthshop.com/nofap-chaser-effect-and-how-to-prevent-it/ which is pretty useful.

    Thanks as always man :)
  4. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 64
    - Mood: 4/10
    - Relapses: 1

    - Given the events of last night, i didn't sleep well. A few hours at max, so woke up feeling very tired and drained. Despite it being a bad experience, i had very strong chaser thoughts. Eventually managed to get them under control. Work quality suffered today. Had to take some extra time off at lunch to recover.
    - Overall spent the day feeling pretty angry at myself for falling for the lies last night. The guilt and shame as well as the overall sense of letting myself down. Eventually managed to drag my ass off to gym tonight to distract myself. Put in a pretty solid session too. Last night, while coming out of the escort's apartment, i managed to sprain my ankle, so had to contend with that pain all day as well.
    - Weight loss and strict diet continue and am now down almost 8.8lbs or 4kgs overall. I wish i had the discipline with my libido that i do with my diet.
    - Tomorrow is soup kitchen and i will be glad to get out of the apartment.

    Positive things done:
    - Not so much something i did, but what someone else did for me. Got a phone call from my old music teacher today after i sent him a recording of my last lesson done. He gave me his opinion and ideas on what to work on and told me to keep in touch. It felt so encouraging and it really lifted my spirits.
    - Reached out to my Arab doctor friend who, sadly, has now emigrated. I really miss him and our chats and i think his leaving helped trigger my escort episode. Anyway, he is doing well and said he'd pray for me which was a kind gesture.

    - No observations other than i feel awful inside. But, given my want to look on the bright side of life, i want to keep trying to kick this habit and find that someone. One good thing out of this mistake, is that i didn't go back to PMO. Also was happy that i didn't have any erectile dysfunction yesterday despite the outcome.
  5. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 65
    - Mood: 7/10
    - Relapses: 1

    - After a long sleep last night, woke up feeling refreshed and a little more emotionally stable. Still feeling a strong chaser effect that i have fought all day long. Its there, but not overwhelmingly so.
    - Went and helped out at the soup kitchen today and it felt good to get out of the flat. Had some laughs with the guys there which was a welcome distraction from the past few days.
    - Gym was closed tonight, so decided to take a day off with no cardio. Sat at home watching TV and just doing nothing which was nice. My ankle has healed but i have a very sore forearm from chin ups last night. Gah, there's always something that hurts no matter how much warming up you do.
    - No dance class tomorrow but have a rendezvous with a soprano who wants to do duets with me. At least something to look forward too.
    - Late last night, i had another one of those late night chats with my female colleague. I get the impression she is lonely and wants company but just doesn't want to cross that professional boundary. We talk alot about our pasts and laugh a lot; we both have the same sense of humour. Again, not really sure what to make of the whole thing with her given whenever i try broach personal stuff, she clams up. Anyway, i'll see what she is really like when i go to the company meet-up in June.

    Positive things done:
    - Soup kitchen was good and it helped put my problems into perspective again. Met some near vagrant alcoholics just happy to get a meal. A humbling experience and frightening to see where addiction can lead you if left unchecked.

    - The chaser effect is truly a strange experience. Despite feeling like a piece of crap yesterday, today, i now want to return to that very same escort to prove my worth. (No i won't go that route but i just find it very odd how my brain has now done a 180 despite the shittiness of the whole thing).
    Mozenjo likes this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is great!

    She clearly is interested in you, but is being wise by keeping boundaries. She is probably also waiting until you meet face to face in June.

    Been there, done that. Even after my affairs were exposed I still wanted to reach out to the bitch who told my wife, her husband, the whole town, and shouted it out on her facebook page. It's like reaching your hand toward a hot stove just to check it. She was no different than your escort, it was a transaction. Whether it's for attention or money it's all the same. Since that time, there have been three occasions where the c*nt tried to contact me. I gave her radio silence and that made me feel like a boss. I've also had times where other women have messaged me and I simply don't respond. If it's on fb I simply block them. I don't care what their intentions are, I know that for me it's dangerous. Our personal journeys are WAY too important than to waste on riff raff.
    TheUnhappyFapper and Mozenjo like this.
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Indeed. There are legions out there who have lost their relationships to this scourge. Some have had heart failure in front of the computer. Our addiction has left many in its wake. To think it is relatively harmless is a mistake too many of us make.
    Keep going, man. You're in the right place here, and are doing great work.
  8. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Yes some positive developments coming about now i am glad to say Saville. Man its been a rough ride so far.

    Regarding triggers and temptation, i wish i had your self-discipline in controlling who does and doesn't interact with you. I guess at this stage of the game, my social circle is too small to be selective, but i get what you are saying about letting the right people and therefore stimuli into our lives.

    Thanks Mozenjo my man! Your and the rest of the team's encouragement means alot to me :)

    Day 66 & 67
    - Mood: 7/10
    - #1 of Relapses: 1

    - Just to give you all an update on what happened on the meet up with the soprano. It went well. I thought we would only chat for 30 minutes about music and the local scene, but it evolved into more of a date (at least i thought so). We went for a walk after coffee and joked around and talked BS. Ended up spending 4 hours together. Very bubbly outgoing girl with some crazy conspiracy theories to boot (who of us doesn't ahem). We're supposed to meet up again this week. Not sure if it was just me, but i got some strong signals from her - not obvious, but flirty ones. Thing is, while i like her, she isn't my type physically (a few extra pounds). But she is pretty in the face. Anyway, i may be a beggar being a chooser at this point, so will see what happens this week.
    - Before meeting this girl, i started just flirting with random girls at the check out tills where i shop. Pretty much inspired by Larry David in Curb your Enthusiasm except without the chronic neurosis. Surprisingly, i got a good response rate from girls all the way from their 20s to Milfs. Interesting. Didn't ask for any numbers as yet, but i'm getting there.
    - Despite all this, i am still fighting off a strong relapse impulse. When i am alone in my apartment, I still find myself lingering around escort ads which i then try close ASAP. So i try to limit my time in front of the screen as best i can.
    Mozenjo likes this.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You do!

    As a man who was at one time all about aesthetics, I get it, but as a former fat person I feel for the soprano. I would rather have a loyal, fun, pretty woman, who treats me respect, than a hot, skinny, babe who creates drama and needs constant attention. Not trying to convince you of anything, but the best sex of my life was with a generous figured woman. I actually found her ample ass a turn on. I dumped her when I met my wife, a person who is good looking, slim, but a narcissist.

    Good plan. You're doing great, man. Proud of how you've pulled yourself out of the pit.
    Mozenjo likes this.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    What's up?

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