20+ Years a Slave

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TheUnhappyFapper, Mar 3, 2022.

  1. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Well-Known Member

    With the escort, what is the need you are trying to fill? Are you actually trying to relieve stress? If so then maybe a massage (from a legitimate place-no "happy ending") might be a better option. If you feel that you need to orgasm then I agree with Saville that MO could help. I think that one problem with going the escort route is that (like with porn) over time you would likely only remember the positive parts of the encounter and "forget" about any negative aspects. This could potentially cause you to be more likely to use escorts in the future when you are in the midst of similar circumstances (high stress, horniness?) that you are currently experiencing.
    TheUnhappyFapper and Saville like this.
  2. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Yes i think "Melanie" not responding was serendipitous too Saville. In retrospect, it was all about wanting some contact - female contact. See this is where it gets tricky for me. I associate MO with porn and fantasy so don't want to go that route. The other problem is that my social outlet here is very limited in terms of meeting women - hence why i am doing the dance classes. So there, i have no idea if or when i'd be able to organise a date which adds to my anxiety. No point having massive blue balls if you have no one to release them with, which is what brought me to the prospect of an escort.

    During my last major 2019 reboot, i was able to reconnect with my ex and after 3 months of agony and recovery, i was able to get the release and intimacy i craved. Hell, i remember the first time we hooked up again and feeling this incredible sense of achievement - finally being able to orgasm and being able to, pardon the expression, fuck her brains out. And this is what makes this current reboot so hard. Notwithstanding the other problems i have to contend with, i have to remember how things panned out in 2019 - the nice memories of my ex and of having beaten my addiction (at least it seemed so at the time) neither of which are true any longer. I guess, to answer TrueSelf's question, these escort fantasies are likely my way of trying to recreate that "happy time". I know it wouldn't be real and as you say, it would likely be just like trading one addiction for another that has far worse consequences. So i'm trying to fight them off. I guess one positive here is that the urge for porn is at zero let alone MO, so some progress at least.

    Anyway guys, thank you both for taking the time and give your input. Always appreciated!

    Day 49
    - Mood: 5/10

    - Again a very hard day given very strong urges throughout the day. Was able to deal with some, others i capitulated and looked at escort sites. Not so much the pics, but more the descriptions. So again the question of fantasy comes in. Man i have never experienced such intense cravings in my life. Its like having a gun pointed to your head at times. Later in the day, the urges dissipated, but i know they will be back. I did my best to resist and it worries me that this thing has found another weak spot that i am really struggling to cover.
    - Had to wake up at 7am today to go do some government paperwork so only got 3.5 hours of sleep. The resulting tiredness actually helped as i really did have the energy to feel horny.
    - Didn't make it to church tonight because of work but also because i just didn't feel "worthy" of going there given what i had done.
    - Went to gym and had a decent session. Again, lots of energy and focus. Down another 1lbs so progress there is being made.

    Positive things done:
    - Managed to do some department budgeting which i had been putting off for 6 weeks. Was a pain in the ass to get done but glad i did.

    - I'm going to try do a bunch of social stuff this weekend to try minimise the time i am in my apartment (currently i am here around 20 hours a day as i work remotely. The isolation really drives me nuts.
    Mozenjo and TrueSelf like this.
  3. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 50 & 51
    - Mood: 3/10

    - I missed posting yesterday because i was exhausted from a very long day of helping at the soup kitchen and at the Passion play. Eventually got home after doing some cardio at gym at around 9pm. Now, overall the day wasn't bad. There were some Mormon girls who had come to help us out which was interesting. Chatted to them for a few hours and it was nice to hear about their take on life. Very innocent, very devout, and seemingly good people genuinely out there to try help others.
    - When i got home, things took a turn for the worst.
    - I have discovered that the real trigger behind my most recent escort temptations was being home alone for long periods of time - isolation and loneliness. Hence i have tried to keep away from my apartment as it just makes me depressed. Now, after i got home from gym , pretty exhausted, i thought that was it for the day and let my guard down insofar as the whole escort thing was concerned. Just as i was turning off my laptop at around 1am, i had this urge to check which girls were in my area. I can't explain what happened next, but after i saw one that was close by, my resistance collapsed, and i thought, "what the hell? lets call her up". Thankfully, she resorted to texting and then basically went cold on me because it was so late. My hormones were raging, heart was pounding and i was really intent on going. Went to bed feeling terrible for having caved so easily, yet deep down, as with PMO, craved that rush again. As i was calling the hooker up, I really prayed hard asking God to help me because i knew this is not what i wanted or should be doing. I think He answered my call again. Anyway, i got some sleep for about 3 hours, and woke up super horny again and really with hormones raging, wanting to find any hooker available. This time, i was able to control it, and eventually went back to sleep.
    - The whole rest of today i have been feeling like crap. I have never come across such powerful lust in my life. To say it is like another force pushing you do things is an understatement. Anyway, i knew i had to get out of here ASAP so went to Mass this afternoon and went to a dance class thereafter.
    - At dance class, i was forced to endure 1 hour of staring at myself dancing in a mirror which really made me feel self conscious and then brought forward the guilt of the escort episode from last night. "How can you dance here with this pretty girl when you have to bang hookers?" echoed in my head. Add to that, the lesson itself was lousy as i hadn't practiced anything. And so, this all triggered another depression event. I tried to go out and walk it all off but did so at the monastery from last week, the one which my ex and I used to go to. So that then triggered a massive flood of emotions about her, and yadayadayada..a shitstorm. In a quiet part of the street, i really just burst into tears. Too much pain and too much disappointment. Everything from this week from the court delay, to the hookers etc really came to a header. Anyway, after 5 minutes of sobbing, i carried on walking, and eventually got home. Called my mom back home and told her about everything which helped.
    - Despite all this shit, no PMO. I resisted. Even in this horrible mess i find myself in, and even in the poor decisions i find myself making, there is always this tiny voice telling me "No, don't go back, keep going and keep hoping". I keep thinking about why i started this whole ordeal - to find someone special to love and care for - even though it sometimes gets drowned out by the agony of withdrawal, regrets about the past, and the fear of never meeting anyone.

    Positive things done:
    - Today sucked too much ass to describe anything as positive.
  4. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    I'm afraid for most an MO will simply set up your body to crave more, and P in top of it.

    But that's just my personal experience, not "the law" :).
    TheUnhappyFapper likes this.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There are lots of positives from yesterday. You helped out at the soup kitchen, you had great chats with the Mormon girls, and you didn't end up getting a hooker. It doesn't matter why you didn't hook up with a prostitute: take it as a win! Take it as a sign the great universe is intervening to help you. Oh, and you also had a cry, which is a wonderful release of good hormones. It's not the day you were expecting, but it was a good day, because you are still working on yourself, still pushing forward.

    Don't be so hard on yourself. If you don't treat yourself gently, who will?
    TheUnhappyFapper likes this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    A further thought. We are looking for something beautiful in our lives. It can be so f-ing hard to do this, because it can feel like we are in a shit-storm at every turn. Keep your eye on your beautiful vision of finding someone that actually deserves you.
    TheUnhappyFapper likes this.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Another thought: when you feel horny, enjoy it. Feel that pulsing manhood between your legs and feel like a god. Say to yourself: "I'm a fucking man and I'm powerful." Why give that power away to just anyone?
    TheUnhappyFapper likes this.
  8. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Yes i agree CBB. For me, i have always struggled with dissociating P from MO hence why i prefer to go hardmode. I know that the moment i start trying to be flexible with my addiction, it'll come right back.

    Very true Saville. In retrospect, i think it was my lack of sleep coupled with the depressive wave that gave the day an overall bleak tinge. The thing is with me, i like to set myself goals and then achieve them. Usually i am able to adhere to my objectives and get through the BS to achieve them. But with PMO, there are so many variables and so many of them that are out of my hands that it sometimes freaks me out when things don't go according to plan or even if there is a set back.

    Yes very true. During this past week, the heavy veil of hormones coupled with stress really obscured the whole reason i am doing this. Like you said above, the fact my efforts to actually hook up with an escort failed is likely a sign from the cosmos to keep on keeping on. It's just the waiting and hoping that i struggle with.

    Man i wish i had that level of self control Saville :) The thing with this form of horniness is that, for me at least, its like this insatiable drive that just wants me to bang anything [female ahem] with a hole and a heartbeat. But like all the rest of these urges, i have to learn to control it because it has the potential to do alot of damage.

    Day 52:
    - Mood 5/10

    - Things have subsided somewhat since yesterday's hormonal shitstorm. After a decent sleep, i woke up feeling a bit more rested, with no urges. Got out of bed and prayed for some help today as i really needed some help. Eventually got on with some work, but unlike last week, no strong desire for PMO or escorts etc.
    - Went and played a Roman soldier during the Passion Play and it was fun. All sorts of people pitched up - from our parish and even a bunch of tourists with some even wanting their pics taken with us. Nice. Overall, a happy distraction. I was sad when it ended as everyone left and the whole place went quiet again.
    - Came home and then went to have coffee with my Arab buddy and his family. Always a pleasure being with them as there is no pretentions there with them. I share a lot in common with my buddy because we are both imprisoned here in a sense - he because he doesn't have the right documents to leave and me because of my stupid court case. So two peas in a pod and so we can be miserable together.

    - finding that after the escort episode, thoughts about my ex have come back and it hurts like hell. So to ensure no relapse, yesterday, i deleted the only remaining social media app i had where she was still listed and also deleted a folder i found of photos of us together. It feels strange knowing this is now final and i'll never hear from her ever again.
    CleanBootsBaby! and Saville like this.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    A bold, fearless, and important move toward recovery, my friend. Well done!
  10. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Thanks a bunch man Saville :) Not going to lie, it still hurts and i still have arguments with her in my head, but anyway, at least i am free from that false hope.

    Day 53
    Mood: 7/10

    - Felt a lot better today. Again a solid night's rest and some good quality work done today. The temptations were there, but not as pronounced as last week. While manageable, i must still keep my guard up.
    - No depression today despite being alone at home.
    - No time, sadly for any vocalise due to commitments.
    - Went to gym tonight and felt good. Lots of energy and focus. The weight loss has started to show results visually with my physique improving week on week. Want to make sure i lose another 4 kgs/9 lbs by the time i head off to the company meet up in June.

    Positive things done:
    - Besides gym and missing vocal training today, no real +ve things done.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Not judging, at all, but you had time to go to the gym. The gym is super important, but I think your singing is important to you, too. :) A proportioned life is what we're after, I think.
  12. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Yes true Saville. I should have set aside time for it but got sloppy. I did remember to schedule a session with my accompanist tomorrow so all is not lost :)

    Day 54
    - Mood: 7/10

    - Another decent day. After a heavy gym session yesterday, slept deeply and woke up rested. No overwhelming horniness either although some thoughts of sex.
    - Got on with work and at 12pm, a buddy of mine who helps out at the soup kitchen and who runs an oven-cleaning business, came past to sort out my oven. He is about 1o years older than I and is married with 3 kids. While he worked, we chatted and got to talking about our respective lives (they only moved here last year and have been finding it tough to adjust to this tiny island). Anyway, besides him doing a good job with my oven, he also helped put some of doubts about life in perspective. Was nice to have someone offer me good counsel face to face. One thing he told me about was how he had met his wife after breaking up with his previous fiance who didn't share his own personal or religious views. One thing he said was he had faith that he would make it through the heartbreak and that he would find the right person sooner or later. After 6 months of healing, he did and he married her. So that gave me some encouragement. Truly a God-send.
    - Went off to see my priest again this evening for my weekly sponsor meeting. Told him all about last week's episode and how hard it was to resist. He too highlighted to me the power of hope and the need to persevere in this whole recovery ordeal.
    - Did 45 minutes of cardio tonight. Fitness has increased so managed a more intense session.

    Positive things done:
    - Managed to sort out my disgusting oven after 1 year of procrastination and had a good heart to heart with a good friend.

    - Still having thoughts about hookers but nowhere near as strong as last week. Thoughts about my ex are also especially strong right now and have cycled back to arguing with her in my head. I eventually realise there is noone there and it fizzles out.
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  13. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 55
    - Mood: 5/10

    - A so-so day with some positives and negatives. Today, got off pretty well. Some urges during the morning but nothing unmanageable. At 11am, went off to do music with my accompanist and had a great session with her. She told me she knows of a young soprano i can do duets with and will put me in touch with her. Awesome! Went away feeling really excited about the future.
    - Anyway, on the way home, stopped off to do some shopping for lunch as i was famished. No carbs for these last few days (basically low carb with lots of steak and salad) so arrived at the shop fantasizing about a bag of barbeque chips. Got home and cooked up some chicken burgers with some regular rolls. Now why is this mundane info important? Well this is where it gets interesting. After lunch, had a nap for 30 minutes and woke up feeling super horny. Like very strong sex urges a-la what happened last week. Anyway, the escort urges came back and i almost capitulated again. I think I now know what plays a huge role in what triggers these very horny episodes: every time i reintroduce carbs into my diet and combine it with high protein and heavy gym workouts, my testosterone and insulin go through the roof (this may be bro-science but having looked at my diet, this pattern seems to fit). Tomorrow i will install another porn blocker for my other browsers (anyone have any recommendations?)
    - Went to gym and did a good session. Lots of focus but couldn't help ogling the women walking around in yoga pants and booty shorts. Damn you delicious carbohydrates!

    Positive things done:
    - Made a recording of my session with the accompanist today and sent it to my mom who was really happy (she and my Dad were my biggest supporters back when i was doing music semi professionally).

    - Only just managed to fight off the escort urge today. But in all honesty, i have no idea how much longer i can keep doing this celibacy thing with no outlet. My social circle doesn't include anyone with any eligible women, and i am not a Tinder or picking up women in bars type of guy.
    Saville likes this.
  14. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Look at me. It can be done.

    Go read my latest post - in my journal, for encouragement :). Boy, I sure wish sexual frustration were the only thing on my plate right now :).
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2022
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's great! What voice are you? Bass, baritone, tenor?
  16. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

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  17. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Thanks CBB my man! Seeing how far you have made it, along with Saville and the other longtermers gives me a lot of motivation especially when things seem bleak :)

    Thanks man! I'm a light lyric tenor - so stuff like Mozart, Rossini, and even show tunes etc. Getting back into music is bringing back some good memories and also presenting some interesting prospects.

    Day 56
    - Mood: 6/10

    - Was only able to manage 3.5 hours of sleep last night. Woke up at around 530am and only managed to doze back off at around 7am. As a result, felt very tired during the course of the day.
    - After yesterday, i decided to reintroduce carbs into my diet to ensure no more of these horrendous hormonal spikes. So today, started putting some sweet potato into my meals. Downside is that weight loss may decelerate as a result.
    - Speaking of which, weight loss is going well. Visually, my body is getting leaner each week which gives me added incentive to stick with my diet and cardio.
    - In terms of urges, nothing severe today, although the urge is always at the back of my mind. Hopefully the dietary change helps sort part of the problem out.
    - Went to gym and did 45 minutes of good intense cardio tonight. There is a girl there i always see but who always seems lost in her own world. Pretty cute too. Wanted to try strike up a conversation with her but no opportunity presented. Pity. Went home feeling a bit disappointed as have been craving some social interaction - with women especially.

    Positive things done:
    - Just the cardio today as was feeling very tired wing to sleep loss.

    - Still fighting back thoughts about my ex. If it's not thoughts about hookers, its memories of her that plague me throughout the day. I have learned to just accept that these things will come to mind, especially when i feel alone.
  18. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 57
    - Mood: 5/10

    - No soup kitchen today as it was closed for the week. So I had a break and enjoyed sleeping in this morning. Didn't really get much done which as it was nice to just to potter around for once without deadlines or a schedule.
    - Eventually the isolation got to me and i decided to go out to the church for the Good Friday service at 3pm. It was packed, but again this feeling of being alone in there despite being surrounded by people. Seeing all these happy (seemingly) couples with little kids running around really hit me. Again, thoughts of my ex and our time together. All in all, it was a tough afternoon.
    - Came home around 5pm and still feeling exhausted, decided to have a nap (still feeling physically tired from the past few weeks).
    - Later went to gym to try and force an endorphin release. Was a good session. Again saw the mystery girl from yesterday but it turns out she doesn't speak much English. Anyway, will say hi to her again in future.

    Positive things done:
    - Helped out a priest at the parish in finding a mini-football field for us 40+ guys to have a Tuesday night game. Had to go out of my way to find it, but Father was happy to have found a place we can use.

    - No real urges today so i reckon the addition of minimal carbs to my diet has helped even out the hormones. Tonight, my usual carb-up night, i laid off for want of having another late night episode like last week.
    - I think seeing the couples in church today helped me put this hooker thing into perspective: The longterm game versus short-term pleasure. Its all fine and dandy to have the will power to not do PMO/visit hookers etc but i need to find some justification in my head as why it is all work the suffering i am going through. Again, it all boils down to hope and patience i guess? But as much as i try cling to hope, there are always these voices whispering in my ear that it may never work out, that there is noone waiting for me, that all this is futile. Praying helps because i know a lot of life i cannot control so i place it in His hands. But its not easy to do. In my heart, i want to believe that God really will answer my prayer and He does have the right woman for me, but first He wants me to master this beast that is unbridled lust that has kept me a slave for the past 20 years. Anyway, i hope..
    Saville likes this.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I get these voices about things, too. Mine is not for a partner, but is about getting old. The one thing I've seen happen, over and over again, is that when we take care of ourselves and respect our life-journey, the joyful things find us. People are attracted to the energy we put out when we prioritize self-care.

    Everyone loves the tenor! :) My favorite Mozart tenor would have to be Fritz Wunderlich.
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2022
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  20. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    [QUOTE="there are always these voices whispering in my ear that it may never work out, that there is noone waiting for me, that all this is futile. [/QUOTE]

    There's a lot of great descriptions of those voices on this forum. "the addict", "the reptilian brain", "the liar", etc. Men come here and expose all the lies. We validate each other and our manhood. Glad you are here brother!

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