20+ Years a Slave

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TheUnhappyFapper, Mar 3, 2022.

  1. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 38:
    - Mood: 6/10

    - Not such a bad day although PMO urges are starting to become more intense. While i was working today, twice i found myself drifting off to Facebook to look up girls i know and lingering there. Managed to put a stop to it before it escalated. Still, the need for a release is building and the escort temptation is still there.
    - Went off to church today but felt pretty alone despite being amongst so many people. The thought of what this week and next week hold in store for me really felt overwhelming so I spent some extra time alone.
    - Came home and just got on with work.

    Positive things done:
    - Went off to visit my Arabic doctor buddy and had dinner with him and his family. Such a nice setting and such kind/generous people to be with. It was a welcome distraction from my own life problems.

    Observations:
    - I'm trying to use my anxiety as a means of reducing or suppressing my libido. It works sometimes.
    - A lot more focus now and much less procrastination than in the past. At least one positive from this all.
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is just another word for P, imo. Yes, it's sex with a person, but that person is doing a job and you are cash. Waiting for a person who digs who you is more worthy of how special you are.
     
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  3. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Yes you're right Saville. The thoughts are really just recurring images in my head coupled with porn scenes. Each time it happens, i try to remind myself of why i started this whole thing - so find the right person and finally be happy.

    Day 39
    Mood: 6/10

    - Despite today being full of anxiety, my mood wasn't depressed, so a bonus there. Not sure what to make of my lawyer's silence as the wait is driving me nuts. Anyway, still four days left in the week.
    - As mentioned above, with me now trying to condition myself into accepting that PMO is now verboten, so recurring thoughts of escorts kept cropping up in my head at random points during the day. I managed to fight them off, but they are becoming more and more intense.
    - After a long, anxious day, i decided to go to gym. I'm not pushing it for these next 10 days given the stress i am under, so just going there to do light exercises. The release does help and so does being around people. With my libido coming back strong, it is becoming harder and harder not to gawk at the girls walking around in yoga pants etc and get a stiffy. Had to really fight to keep my eyes off one girl tonight on the treadmill. Anyway, at least i know the recovery is working.

    Positive things done:
    - Did 15 minutes of dance moves at lunch. My neighbours must think i am having a seizure with some of the moves i try to do :p

    Observations:
    - My mind is playing tricks on me again. A lot of the time i find my judgement of events and possible to outcomes to be very skewed - either extremely optimistic or pessimistic. I must be careful when making decisions as a result.
     
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  4. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 40
    Mood: 6/10

    - Not such a bad day all things considered. While there was a large degree of anxiety around the day, i still managed to get on with work without feeling too lousy or depressed. However, PMO thoughts still there and fantasies creeping in again which need to be checked.
    - No word from lawyer as yet which is not helping my condition.

    Positive things done:
    - Went for a dance class this evening with my instructor and her apprentice. It was good. Managed to figure out a few moves and even got an attaboy at the end. Girls really seem to like it when guys are vulnerable in front of them. Also gazing into your partner's eyes and being able to hold her in a pretty intimate way helps the reboot. Massive dopamine release after class for the right reasons. Will see my instructor again on Saturday afternoon.
    - Went to gym for 45 minutes of cardio afterwards.

    Observations:
    - Nothing really. I must be more cautious with my social media use as old habits are still there and i sometimes don;t notice i'm scrolling through someone's profile until a few minutes in (looking for that pixelated dopamine rush again).
     
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  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Right on!
     
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  6. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 41
    Mood: 5/10

    - Still feeling very anxious today as no word from my lawyer. Man this whole ordeal is driving me insane. To add to that, i had numerous fantasies of my ex come into my head during the course of the day which i really had to fight off. The worst of the lot came this evening at gym where i almost capitulated to my urges. See, a friend of mine had just paid me back a loan i gave him and as i was coming out of gym, i suddenly thought why not go blow it on a hooker. Hell, I have the cash, i have the time, and i have the urge. Thank the Lord, i was able to fight it off. But damn it was strong.
    - I have been having mild head twitches the whole day, and a headache to boot. I remember these from my 2019 reboot and recall they usually accompanied periods of intense despair or euphoria ( i reckon its the physical act of rewiring your brain at work). Painful stuff.
    - Seems i may have misread my co-worker's intentions (the one who always checks up on me and calls me). It seems she really is only interested in work as all she does now is basically ping me when she needs help with presentations with her new intern. While i'm not pissed, i am annoyed with myself for reading this whole thing wrong. Anyway, c'est la vie.
    - No music today as my pianist has a mild case of covid. Didn't really have the urge to sing either given the circumstances.

    Positive things done:
    - Went to gym for 45 minutes of cardio. This may not seem like a big deal but when you're under a lot of stress and anxiety, it's hard to get up and go out after a day of worry.

    Observations:
    - Still struggling to control lingering over images on a screen. Not just social media, but any pic of an even remotely cute girl. Am fighting hard but damn it is tough as my head is really searching high and low to find relief from this tension and strain.
     
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  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    What if every time you think about the upcoming court date you simply dismiss it from your mind? You've done what you can, right? You've even offered them settlement money when all you did was shout at them and flip them the bird. You are obviously a civic minded citizen because you help at the soup kitchen and have been helpful at the church. So, back to dismissing thoughts from your mind. I've used this strategy myself. When I got caught cheating, not once, but twice, :oops: at first I denied, denied, denied. It was the first time in my life I ever danced so fast. :D But, then it became obvious that I was not going to pull myself out of the deep shit I was in. My wife knew, my kids knew, and countless members of the community I live in knew. "There's the guy who cheated on his wife!" That's pretty great gossip in the small town I live in. o_O To survive I needed a strategy. At first I thought of abducting the entire town and sending them to another planet, but that didn't seem entirely feasible. So, what I was left with was not to think about it. Every time I thought about my misdeeds and what everyone thought of me, particularly my children, I dismissed the thought from my mind. I'd think about baseball, food (mmm, my all time favorite), TV and, oh, yeah, P. :rolleyes: Now wait, I'm not suggesting you start viewing P again! What I am saying is that from time to time we need a specific strategy to protect ourselves. Chewing over the same thing, again and again, never brings about any answers.

    A few years ago I came across this Indian guru named Gaur Gopal Das. He offered some advice about worry through asking a series of questions.

    "Do you have a problem in life? No? Then why worry.|

    "Do you have a problem in life? Yes? Can you do something about it? Yes! Then why worry?"

    "Do you have a problem in life? Yes? Can you do something about it? No! Then why worry?"

    The bible also has some advice, advice you've read/heard before: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

    If we keep picking at a scab it never heals. Even if you did a little bit more than you said you did, like throw something at them, or shit on their lawn, or whatever, worrying about isn't going to help you become a man with life-skills. I wanted everyone to forget about my cheating. I wanted my wife and children to trust me again. But, it didn't matter what I wanted, because I have no control over what they think. Eventually, after finding this place, I adopted the policy of putting my own growth above and beyond all others. However, when we do this we must also take complete responsibility for how we carry ourselves. For me this meant always being honest, something that was as hard, or harder, to do than quitting porn.

    Honesty really comes into the equation, regardless of whether we tell overt lies or not. Because men have been told they are toxic, and selfish, and violent, and not as smart and caring as women, we have taken up hiding behind the skirts of some great matriarch. She is not well-defined, but she hovers over us like a disapproving tornado. Why do we look at P? It's because early on we were taught to hide our true natures. It's because early on it wasn't safe to just simply tell the truth. Btw, I'm not saying you're dishonest. I make no judgments about others here...most of the time. lol I'm just sharing a bit of my life, because as I share I also help my own healing. Writing in the journals of others has been at least as important as writing in my own.

    A final quote by the Buddhist monk Thick Nhat Hanh: "Suffering is not enough. Life is both dreadful and wonderful...how can I smile when I am filled with such sorrow? It is natural that you must smile to your sorrow, because you are more than your sorrow."

    Loving the energy you have toward healing, brother!
     
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I'll never forget what a singing coach told me once: "you can't sing and be unhappy at the same time". The brain waves that are active when you sing are the happy waves (I believe it's the beta waves). That's why blues singers sing the blues. The subject matter may be depressing most of the time, but singing about it somehow makes it better. Having said that, I know how hard it can be to break out of the doldrums sometimes. Negativity creates its own vortex if we let it keep spiraling.
    Anyway, I think you're doing great, man!
     
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  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    This! Keep on doin' it, zen master Saville.
     
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  10. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    As always, thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience there Saville.

    Yes, managing anxiety is a real issue for me. But it's more the indecision that kills me than anything i.e. not knowing what is going to happen, because if i do know what is going to happen, for better or worse, i can at least ready myself for it. And it's been like this for 2 years. Every 4-5 months, i have to head back to court not knowing if my scumbag neighbours are going to be there or not.

    But as you say, what does worrying achieve? Zero. And while i can get my head around the logic of that, it's not so easy to fully accept it and to put it into practice. But i'm getting there. This is the first time that i haven't been crippled with fear two weeks before a hearing. I've been going to gym and even though i am going terrible withdrawal from PMO, all of it is manageable for once, meaning i'm not stuck at home unable to go outside and with a racing heart. I still feel stressed, but not crippling stress mixed with PMO guilt. So yes, the life skills you talk about nurturing are starting to bud :)


    Thanks Mozenjo for your input and encouragement! Yes your voice coach was right. Your voice needs to express what your heart is full of in order for you to be an artist. Thing is, even though i'm going through withdrawal and feel miserable and depressed, i realise this is not who i am or who i am meant to be. I realise from my interactions with people now i am an outgoing gregarious person with a positive disposition and i want that to show through in my instrument (when i eventually get it all back together). To think of all the years wasted withdrawing from people because of PMO...smh.

    As always, guys i really appreciate your input on my journal. You help make it all worthwhile, and keep me motivated too :)

    Day 42:
    - Mood: 6/10

    - Basically rinse and repeat from yesterday. Still no word from my lawyer so not sure what to make of her silence. One good thing from this whole court ordeal and break with PMO is that it has given me a much better prayer life and some sense of peace as a result. I can focus better now that my brain fog is clearing and focus is sharper. That said, i endured wave after wave of porn and sex flashbacks today. Very strong urges that required effort to fend off. By lunchtime i was knackered. No urge for an escort today thankfully.
    - After a stressful day, was unable to make it to church for quiet time tonight, and missed my weekly chat with my priest/sponsor. I was exhausted again and fell asleep on my couch for 45 minutes. Awoke and found it was too late to go. Anyway, he understood and we rearranged for next week.
    - The magically powers of no-fap struck again today i am happy to say. After getting my head back together this evening, i decided to go to gym to clear my thoughts. As i arrive and go the treadmill to warm up, there's this cute lady there on the third machine away from me (the room was empty before i came). As i put my stuff down, she looks across at me, and i look her in her eye..and smile. And she smiled back..like a real smile. Anyway, she got back on with her session and i with mine. Even though it was a small thing, it still felt good to do as ordinarily i would just have gone there and plunked my stuff down and just gotten on with it without even acknowledging her.
    - Good strong session in gym tonight. Lots of energy and focus. I really look forward to my sessions now.

    Positive things done:
    - Did 15 minutes of bachata moves on the balcony today at lunch. So getting there.

    Observations:
    - Nothing much. Its really hard to reject these sex thoughts though when they get into your head as they really elicit very strong emotions.
     
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  11. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 43
    Mood: 6/10

    - Today wasn't bad at all. Went to the soup kitchen at 10am to help out until 3pm. Thereafter, stayed to help with the Passion Play with the priests and some families there. All in all, a good distraction as always and no feelings of anxiety or worry i am glad to say.
    - Afterwards, went to a small secluded beach near here to sit and think for a bit before heading home at 7pm.

    Positive things done:
    - Soup kitchen is always good as it helps give real perspective on life and problems. Also got a message from another old priest i know who knows about my problems with the law and who said he was worried he hadn't heard from me in a while. That was very touching. Bless him.

    Observations:
    - Still have thoughts of my ex when i go to the soup kitchen area of town. I guess a mixture of the PMO withdrawal coupled with being in that place always makes it hard to be there.
     
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  12. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 44
    Mood: 6/10

    - A nice Saturday free from stress and anxiety for the most part. Managed to get quite a lot done today with the weather starting to get warmer. Mood has improved, although PMO temptations and fantasies are really coming on strong. Again, problems with lingering on Facebook looking over girls' profiles, but manageable so far.

    Positive things done:
    - Did 30 minutes of vocalise training at lunch. Voice is coming back strong again, and i look forward to my lesson on Wednesday.
    - Sorted out my closet (very messy and have been putting off sorting it out for years).
    - Did 1 hour of dance class today and it was good. The teacher complimented me on having practiced and figured out the basic steps so got me to do some more complex ones, which tend to be far more intimate in terms of clasping and holding. It really feels weird having to look deep into her eyes while getting close. Its not awkward, just its something i reckon you do with an SO or lover, not so much a random dance student.
    - Went off feeling happy, and decided to go for an evening walk at an old monastery near the dance studio. Good 45 minutes of cardio.
    - Did some shopping afterwards and also got some work done this evening.

    Observations:
    - Still finding memories of my ex creeping in. After i finished the dance lesson, i got in the car feeling happy. But that happiness soon turned to sadness and later emptiness as i wanted to share the moment with someone. To make matters worse, the monastery is where my ex and i used to go for nighttime walks, so that compounded the matter. Were it not for this stupid court case, i would have left this stupid place and found a fresh start. But alas, here i am, stuck in Groundhogs Day.
     
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  13. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 45
    Mood: 5/10

    - Not a very good day. I almost buckled and caved to the escort temptation.
    - See, the stress has come back again as i wait for feedback tomorrow on what is going to happen on Tuesday in court. I am alone here and there is only so much dance moves and music you can do and listen to before their novelty wears off. Add to that, last night, i had headaches and a very unrestful sleep as a result. Woke up feeling very horny and really struggling to fight back urges. Ordinarily, the temptation would just melt away, but this time it didn't. It was very persistent - like a reminder to me that this thing is not going away without a fight. And despite being mindful of my work activity, i eventually caved and checked an old email account of mine where i knew there were newsletters about hookers in my area. I peeked and saw the usual ones i had fantasized about, and that's when it snowballed into me going to the site. Thankfully, it was only a brief glance before i forced myself out. I then found my old login for the site and then went and deleted my account and address from them. Gah. Too close for comfort.
    - I suppose one good thing is that there was no desire for PMO, but rather an urge for physical contact. But then again, this was a PMO-driven urge so not sure that really counts.
    - Anyway, eventually went off to church and spent some time there. Again, felt very alone despite being among people. And everyone comments that i look and sound happier, but the reality is the opposite inside. Still a lot of pain and regret which really is taking its toll on me.
    - On the way out of church, i saw an old priest i know. He is an old guy who became a priest very late in life so he knows what it means to be a civilian. i.e. temptation, lust, anger, forgiveness etc. Anyway, despite being a very gruff personality, he knows first hand about the whole anger and revenge issues i am going through with my neighbours. We've had some good chats, he and i, and he has told me many things about his own struggles to forgive others who have really hurt him in life. He said he would say a Mass for me on Tuesday. God bless him.

    Positive things done:
    - Went for a 40 minute walk out at a dam. I always go to this place whenever i have to face a court appearance (sort of like my happy place). Always brings me peace.

    Observations:
    - It's really starting to get hard now. PMO withdrawal and stress/anxiety are really a beast to grapple with and to add to the mix, i have very vivid memories of happy times with my ex now coming in more and more frequently. I just hope i can make it through the next 45 days. But one day at a time.
     
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    But you didn't! This shows strength!

    Another display of your strength and growth.

    I hear you, brother. Life can be a bear. Not to sound trite, but feeling our pain, sitting with it sometimes, helps us get strong.

    Love the honesty of your journal, my man.
     
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  15. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    ^Thanks Saville my man. Appreciate your kind words and positive comments as always :)

    Day 46
    - Mood: 5/10

    - The day didn't start off too well. Awoke at 7am after 3.5 hours of sleep eyeing my phone and waiting for a call from my lawyer. Yadayadayada she eventually called at 9am to tell me the presiding judge in my case won't hear it tomorrow because she is out. So case postponed to June 22. No progress with the other lawyer as he didn't turn up to talk to mine. So, back into purgatory - waiting. I had really hoped to make some progress today and find a solution to this whole thing but nada.
    - Given the anxiety i felt over the past 2 weeks, the relief about not having to go to court tomorrow (for better or worse) left me feeling exhausted. Had little energy for the rest of the day and in fact, had a long lunch time sleep. No energy for gym either.
    - In terms of hookers, the temptation was there again and is still there. After getting the call, i immediately thought about finding some release, but ultimately was able to resist - barely. Honestly, i don;t know how long i can keep doing this. I really prayed today for help, and it came although not where i expected it to. That said, tonight i did find some release - i went buy some cookies (my comfort food) - and went for a drive. Sugar rush is intense still so maybe not the smartest move on an empty stomach.
    - Recurring thoughts of my ex again all day and now very vivid in format with occasional headaches.

    Positive things done:
    - Willingly bought some cookies i.e. broke my diet, but just for tonight as i needed some relief.
    - Had my annual review with my boss today (which i had forgotten about) and got very good positive feedback. No-fap really helps with clarity of thought and explanation and i was really able to articulate my plans well. One good point for today.

    Observations:
    - Overall, a brutal day. But as exhausted and demoralised as i am, tomorrow i want to sleep in, recover my strength, and reattack life. Have a meeting with my sponsor/priest so am looking forward to dumping on him.
     
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    No one will judge you if you take that route, but don't take that route. ;)

    I love this positive attitude at the end of your post. Hell yes we can all do this!
     
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  17. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Thanks Saville. Yes i want to avoid going the hooker path as it seems the temptations stem from memories of porn images and fantasies. Will keep on fighting.

    Day 47
    - Mood: 6/10

    - A better day following the events of the last two weeks. Slept deeply and restfully and woke up feeling more relaxed, but still pretty drained. Needed a longer lunchtime nap to recover. Temptation-wise, the same recurring thoughts plagued me through the day - hookers, the urge to linger on Facebook etc. I had to fight them off each time and man it was tough. Mild headaches all day to boot.
    - Did a middle management =seminar with upper management involved today and it went well. Again, was able to articulate my thoughts well and even came up with a few good zingers. Feelsgoodman.jpg
    - Went to see my priest this evening and we chatted about the events of the past two weeks (i didn't see him last week sadly). Told him about the strong hooker temptations and it felt good to verbalise it to someone. Somehow, talking about something going on in your head always seems to help put it into perspective. Tonight we also focussed more on the whole forgiveness thing, specifically me forgiving my neighbours for blowing everything out of proportion. Not an easy topic to discuss with the outcome even less palatable - you have to forgive because if not, it will eat away at you. And one day, you too will have to ask Him for forgiveness. Also spoke about having hope in a better future especially when temptation, based on discouragement, comes knocking.
    - Went to gym after that. Wasn't feeling 100% and my numbers on bench showed. But still got through the workout and did 30 minutes of cardio and some farmers walks after. Came home feeling relaxed and less uptight. There was a girl i usually see there that i have once chatted to, but didn;t have the chance to chat with her this time round. Bummer.

    Positive things done:
    - Despite feeling lethargic, got of my ass to go see my priest. No singing or dancing today.

    Observations:
    - Trying to get back on my feet again and its coming. Looking forward to travelling more and getting out and about more next month and the company reunion in June.
     
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  18. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Congrats on your progress as well, man!
     
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  19. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Thanks a bunch man CBB!

    Day 48
    - Mood:5/10

    - The worst day yet. Woke up feeling very horny and that set the tone for the rest of the day. I was fighting off multiple urges from the get go which were especially strong this time. Not for PMO, but for actual sex. I ended up with headaches and eventually buckled to the first temptation at around 1pm. Ended up looking up an escort site again and looked through the listing for 5 minutes. Ended up feeling disgusted with myself and closed it and installed a porn blocker. That helped for about 2 hours when the next wave hit and i ended up bypassing the blocker. This time ended up calling an escort but thankfully no answer. When everything settled down, i felt awful. Same thing happened again tonight after gym. Very strong urges that really hit me hard. And it wasn't the images i wanted, it was simply to chat "dirty". Gah. I know this is not my rational self doing this but the addiction really fighting back. I don't know how i'm going to hold on.

    Positive things done:
    - Escaped the apartment to do 1 hour of singing with my Bulgarian lady. Was a welcome distraction.

    Observations:
    - This is getting harder and harder to do. I don't want to go back to PMO or any combination thereof, but need a release given all the crap i am going through. Will see how i feel tomorrow.
     
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Take the hooker not answering as a sign. You did very well, bro, on a very tough, tough day.

    An MO might help. Once the big craving is over maybe you could try going on a date.
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2022
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