20+ Years a Slave

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TheUnhappyFapper, Mar 3, 2022.

  1. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Well-Known Member

    Hey @TheUnhappyFapper I've been reading your journal and you seem to be making a lot of good moves.
    I'm impressed with you taking up dance lessons and getting back into singing as well as the women interactions. Great stuff!
    TheUnhappyFapper likes this.
  2. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Thank you man @TrueSelf ! i really appreciate your comments man, its nice to get some recognition even if they are still just baby steps (and a lot of talk atthis stage) :)

    Day 27
    - Mood: 6/10

    - Same BS again in the morning although the searing pain of thinking of my ex is now diminishing. It still hurts though and i have to fight hard to get the "happy memories" out of my head. And when i do succeed, i am left with emptiness. Each day i wake up i think, "not more of this BS". Anyway, c'est la vie.
    - Work was pretty intense today with a run in with one of my team so no real time to be miserable. My boss wants us to accelerate our scale up which means i'll have to spend more time at our HQ in future (lots of hot women there) so not such a bad deal.
    - Some horniness returning but no urge for PMO. I am trying to train myself into accepting that PMO = severe pain and is the root cause of my suffering, and there seems to be some progress in this area.
    - On Wednesday evenings, i do prep work for the soup kitchen on Friday so there was some social interaction with some church friends as well as a priest who helps us out (my spiritual director is his colleague and i know them both well).
    - Went to gym afterwards and did some solid training again. Felt strong on all lifts. Lots of annoying teenagers in there though so that was a distraction. While there were a lot of women there, i didn't try say hi to any as most have their earphones in and i didn't want to look like a tool. Damn this now anti-social society we live in!

    Positive things done:
    - Did 30 minutes of vocal training again today and managed to find three pianists in my town who may be able to play for me. Fingers crossed.

    - No amazing insights on myself today. But while doing cardio, which overlooks the actual gym floor, i noticed so many people engrossed in their phones. I mean, i have my phone as well and am equally guilty of this, but to see guys taking selfies to post to Tinder while there are hot girls literally 4 feet away from them (although taking selfies for Instagram) seems so retarded. It worries me because even if you do walk up to these girls and try chat, would they know how to respond to your interaction? hmmm
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  3. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 28
    - Mood: 6/10

    - Same thing in the morning, rinse and repeat. My sleep is a bit more restful now, the staggered cycles have stopped.
    - Just got on with work today. Again n real time to feel miserable, although strong urges did arise at several points during the day. Had to fight them off as they were triggered by images on my screen from social media.
    - Measured my weight and am down 1.5 pounds (almost 1 kilo) over the last 8 days, so making progress.
    - Went to church this evening but wasn't feeling too altruistic afterwards; didn't really hang around to see if anyone wanted a lift as i wanted to get to gym to get my blood pumping.

    Positive things done:
    - Managed to get in touch with all three pianists and will go for a trial lesson next week with one of them. So pressure is now on.
    - Found a very dark part of gym again and spent 30 minutes mastering my bachata steps and now feel like Patrick Swayze :p
    - Also had a late night call with that female colleague of mine. She usually wants to chat via Teams but tonight (around 11pm) i told her to call me and we chatted on the phone - always about work and how she's handling it. Says she's trying to help me find a flat to rent this summer so she seems eager. For what? I have no idea..

    - Depression seems to be lifting and i am no longer trying to look at this as a matter of how many days gone without PMO, but rather trying to see improvements in my daily life. Although there is still this negative/lonely tinge to my general mood, it is improving. That said, there is still an emptiness in my life i want to try fill, but its not as painful as it has been in recent weeks.
    Saville and Libertad like this.
  4. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 29
    - Mood: 5/10

    - Got some solid sleep last night and woke up early with no interruptions. Went to the soup kitchen today to help out and lo and behold, we had our first Ukrainian refugees pitch up asking for help. It was a bit surreal talking to these people because the names of the places they mentioned i know and remember from my ex. So sitting there talking to them about their experiences (all women and kids as the men are back home fighting) did trigger some thoughts about her. But i didn't act on any of them despite a strong urge to reach out and ask if she and her family are OK. This may be PMO brain talking again, but sometimes i get the distinct impression someone 'Up there' is pushing me to contact her. Not because i want to hook up, but just because it's the human thing to do. But then i think back to how cold she was to me when i did reach out 3 weeks back and realise that i may have already gotten my answer. And so i just have to pray for her and her family.
    - Went to gym and did a solid session again. Decent numbers that are going up, and lots of energy too. Feeling wrecked now and looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow.
    - Felt slightly depressed today but not from PMO, rather from impending court action. It is still weighing very heavily on me and it is complicating my focus.

    Positive things done:
    - I guess the soup kitchen was a positive thing done today and it did help distract me from my otherwise mundane Fridays.
    - Called up bubbly blonde to see if she was still keen on coffee tomorrow but she said she was sick with Covid-like symptoms and declined. Said she still wants a meet up before she leaves - which was sweet.

    - Still finding myself having arguments with my ex in my head which i try to kill quickly as they are pointless and achieve nothing. Moreso today after the soup kitchen stint. Looking forward to dance class tomorrow and the chance maybe to see yoga-pants brunette again.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup, you're absolutely right. The voices are just noise. Even after getting caught cheating I still wanted, in some way, to reach out to bitch who had called my wife. :eek: It was part of my "nice guy" syndrome, believing I had to make sure every woman was ok. I realize now that she was a sick, narcissistic, witch who had no true feelings for me.

    Love that you're staying strong!
    TheUnhappyFapper likes this.
  6. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Damn that's a rough story Saville. But what you say is true. I think its part of the denial stage of the Grief cycle where you try to readjust your perception of events by pardoning your ex for what they did. And thanks for the kind words again man :)

    Day 30
    - Mood: 5/10

    - Again spent the day alone but i was reasonably productive. Tidied and cleaned my apartment (been 2 weeks since i last gave it a vacuuming) and did some cooking. In the afternoons now, i have a nap after lunch (the only meal i have) and i have to say, they have become very deep and intense - like an actual REM cycle as opposed to a 10 minute snooze. I awake from them really charged, which is nice.
    - Went to dance class tonight but didn't see yoga ants brunette sadly. Did briefly chat to another lady there before the lesson so some interaction. The actual lesson wasn't so great. Many mistakes and alot of extra work needed to succeed. Not sure how i'm going to pull this one out of the bag, but seeing the quality of women who come to these classes is an incentive - goal oriented and with great bodies. Would love to be able to pull off a dance move with one of them. Next lesson is on Tuesday.
    - Drove home feeling pretty disappointed because it was an awkward lesson, and also because it is Saturday night and i have noone. I know this recovery is a process but the waiting is the hardest part. And the sooner i am able to get my dance moves together, the faster i'll be able to meet new women. So there is an added incentive there as well. The longer i mess around, the longer my hunt will take.

    - The disappointment post-dance class did suck, but it didn't result in a full blown spiral into depression as what would have happened last week. So some progress there at least. I need to try expand my social circle so that i have people to go hang with on Saturday nights (and not just dudes - ahem).
    Saville likes this.
  7. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 31:
    - Mood: 4/10

    - Not such a great day. Being in isolation doing work didn't help. Spent a lot of time fighting off urges and the temptation to PMO. Not serious urges, but they are returning. Felt very tired and lethargic for most of the day.
    - I went to Mass at 12pm. Had a few chats with people here and there, but nothing amazing. Driving home on a very cold day with a very blue sky for some reason or other depressed me.
    - Had some flashbacks of my ex which hurt and again temptation to want to reach out. My mind keeps playing tricks on me in an effort to find a dopamine release.

    Positive things done:
    - Called up some lady who takes care of Ukrainian refugees here and will go meet her this week to try help out.

    - Just felt exhausted today what from the emotional storms of the last few weeks, my upcoming court case, and dealing with PMO withdrawal. Sat in Mass today asking God for help through this all as it sometimes appears hopeless. I think about the goofy dance classes and they depress me because i know i won't reach a half decent level to go anywhere, while singing is going to take a hell of a lot of time to get right. Maybe its just the tired talking, but a little voice tells me to carry on.
    - I hope one day to come back to these posts to be able to say i got out of this mess and it was worth it..
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's a lot to deal with. It's terrible to have something ominous hanging over our heads. I got in trouble with the IRS at one time and it took an entire year to get things sorted. I kept imagining the worst. But, after a year of worry and handwringing, I got let off with a fine. It turned out to actually be a good lesson. In those days I could scarcely be bothered to even do my tax returns, let alone declare all my income. I was a weak man who always took the way of least resistance. Cheating on my taxes didn't seem like a big deal...until I got caught; just like when I got caught cheating on my wife. Yeah, I was a real catch! :p:rolleyes: Lying was second nature to me and I often told lies even when the truth would not have been uncomfortable. I never learned the skill, and it is a skill, of being honest until I was in my fifties. What I can tell you is that the bad stuff passes. You will still be alive and, even better, you will have the opportunity to take your life in a new and better direction.

    Dancing and singing are both amazing skills. You're not dancing to be the next Fred Astaire, but you can have as much fun doing it as he did. As for the singing, I'm sure there are very few people who can sing like even the rusty you.

    This should be in the positive section. :)
    TheUnhappyFapper and Mozenjo like this.
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    You will! You're on Day 31, man. That's amazing! Just keep posting here. You're doing great work.
    TheUnhappyFapper and Saville like this.
  10. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    I always found days 0-25 the hardest to get through. After that you're over the hump and used to the 'new normal'.

    Keep going, you're doing great!
    TheUnhappyFapper likes this.
  11. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Thank you Saville man. Your words are always inspirational! God bless you. Yes the dancing part is really anathema to me as the crowd that go there are not really my types. But, there are hot women there so what the hell. I have to suck it up.

    Truth be told my court case is a criminal case being brought against me by my douche bag ex-neighbors. Basically, two years ago, we were good friends except the woman was always "off" - like a narcissistic psychopath who made claims about being psychic etc. Anyway, she was a very aggressive person and really pushed others to see where they would break. Yadayadayada, one day, i had an argument with her about some stupid crap and she really pushed me over the line. As i was walking away, she goaded me and I ended up calling her a bunch of four letter words and gesticulated at her - like "WTF is your problem with everyone??".. In the end, when the cops here refused to prosecute the case, she and her toyboy decided to make it a private prosecution and are basically trying to claim that i tried to physically assault her. Problem is, there was only she, I and another neighbour present at the time of the argument and so she has the witnesses to exaggerate her claims and condemn me. This thing has been going on for two years and i had to leave my old apartment because they kept harassing me to try provoke me (messing with my post, messing with my car - small stuff). Even then, the cops said that unless they threatened my life, they wouldn't take anything up. The charges i face include up to 12 months in prison (causing a public disturbance) and to make matters worse, the judge hearing my case is a woman. Sigh, i feel so helpless in this all.

    Thank Mozenjo! Really appreciate your positivity!

    Thanks True Change. Yes the first 20 days were always a nightmare for me in the past. I always lost it at around the 21 day mark for some bizarre reason. But not, i'm trying to recondition my thinking to not just see days but see this whole withdrawal as a permanent change in my life. But damn if it takes forever. Argh!

    Day 32
    - Mood: 6/10

    - Day started off pretty badly again. Woke up feeling very depressed and alone and hammered with memories of my ex. Eventually snapped out of it and got on with the day.
    - Again needed a long lunch time nap. I don;t know if its the freezing cold weather or what, but i am literally out for the count for 45 minutes now for siesta before getting back to work.
    - Went to gym tonight and felt good. But realised i still have a ways to go to get back in shape. While fatloss is progressing, i hate feeling physically weak. During deadlifts, i had these overwhelmingly negative thoughts wash over me saying it is all pointless and why try. I finished the set but felt really weird. Anyway, got on with the workout and put up some decent numbers for everything else.

    Positive things done:
    - At around lunch time, i took 30 minutes to do some vocal exercises and it wasn't too bad. But it was hard to sing again as it brought back memories of my dad (RIP) who always believed in me and who always supported my efforts in all ways. Same with my mom. Anyway, aside from the emotion, the voice is still there. It'll just take time to retrain.

    - Libido seems to be coming back which is sort of good but i have to try suppress the urges and make it past my goal of 100 days hard-mode no-PMO etc.
  12. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Day 33
    - Mood: 5/10

    - Again, woke up feeling empty and lonely and depressed. But otherwise got on with work and tried to drown out thoughts of my ex that kept recurring. At this point, i figure the reason the happy memories keep cropping up is because my brain is trying desperately to find some reason to be happy. Needless to say, the thoughts do hurt alot as i find myself trying to relive them only to realise that is verboten.
    - My female colleague who is always calling me up for chats about work did so again today. Well not a phone call, but a text message. I had thought she was too busy with her schedule so didn't bother reaching out yesterday. Alas she reached out to me today. Somehow i think she knows i am in trouble about something. Bless her.
    - Went to see my priest this evening and we had a long 1-hour chat. I asked him all sorts of questions - mostly on the meaning of suffering - and he answered a lot of them - sometimes not always with the remarks i was hoping for. Man, if i had been smart enough to turn to him for advice during my 2019 PMO hard-mode, maybe things would have turned out different.
    - Afterwards, went to gym for 45 minutes of cardio. Nothing amazing.
    - This is where i screwed up. I had a 930pm dance session scheduled with my teacher but was just feeling hammered. Also, i hadn't rehearsed my Saturday lesson so figured it would be pointless to go. Called her up, apologised and told her i couldn't make it, about 15 minutes before the lesson was to have started. Eh, wrong answer. Basically told me she sacrificed 2 other lessons to teach me and that she didn't have any time slots left for me for next week. No response to my additional apology and request for another slot in future. I'll leave it for now and try again next week. But honestly, this really seems like overkill. While this was my fault, if she is so hardcore that she makes me have to beg for another lesson, then i would honestly not bother returning.
    - tomorrow i have my first music lesson in 10 years. Fingers crossed i don't screw up this relationship.

    Positive things done:
    - Nothing really today sadly. My neighbour back home had a severe stroke and they reckon she may be near the end. Said a little prayer for her.

    - Just another day.
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I doubt the judge will have much sympathy with the likes of those two. They're obviously trying to extort money from you. I'm not a legal scholar but I don't think yelling at some and flipping the bird is call for prison, much less a fine. It sucks that it is hanging over you...but this too will end.

    I wouldn't worry about the dance thing. Obviously the teacher was unhappy because she relies on that income, so I think it's ok that she was a bit ticked off. Unlike your singing, which obviously you have a natural talent for, the dancing is just for fun. Next time, even if you haven't practiced, go anyway. You'll probably have some fun and you'll be keeping your word. Just my 2 cents worth, as Badger says.

    TUF, you are doing really well! I applaud all your hard work.
    TheUnhappyFapper likes this.
  14. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Thanks Saville. Your kind words really mean alot to me, as do your encouragement :) Regarding the dance classes, i'll try call her next week and see if she's available. If she gives me a cold shoulder, well then it'll be time to move on.

    Day 34
    - Mood: 3/10

    - A very hard day. Last night, after getting booted by the dance teacher, I had an anxiety attack for some odd reason. I eventually got 3 hours of sleep and woke up feeling like crap - more so than usual.
    - Just out of bed, i gave a call to my lawyer to find out what had happened only to be told that the judge would only speak to her about her ability to hear my case on April 5, next week. I suggested to my lawyer to talk to the neighbour's lawyer to see if i could just pay them out because this whole ordeal is putting me through hell. She said she would see him tomorrow and ask off the record. I'm not holding my breath as i know these people want my blood.
    - The rest of the day i felt like crap - anxious and fearful. Said a prayer or two and asked for some divine intervention in this mess. St Jude, patron of all things despaired of, and Padre Pio, please help me.
    - Went to the soup kitchen to help prep for Friday. Just me and one of the priests and we had a good chat. Nice interaction which i appreciated.
    - No gym today as i was feeling physically and emotionally wrecked. Went for a drive to the deserted harbour town (my "happy place") to try refocus my thoughts.
    - Some thoughts about PMO today. Saw some profile pics of a friend of mine on FB and she looked pretty hot in a bikini. After lingering for a bit, i decided to close the page. One good thing about this intense pressure is that it is not so hard to kill any libido i may have so avoiding PMO triggers has been pretty straightforward.

    Positive things done:
    - Went to do my singing lesson today and the accompanist was a very down to earth lady who, though initially suspicious of me, warmed and we had a great session. She's very patient and is very humble too - no pretentions about her. I hope it goes far, and it really gave me a nice boost after a shitty morning. Messaged my old teacher after to tell him i had started music again and he responded with great happiness even wanting me to send him a recording. So i will. Brought back many happy memories of my old man as well.

    - I just want to get through these next 10 days in one piece - emotionally speaking. In a sense, i think the no fap has helped blunt the anxiety i would otherwise have felt during this period (rather the extent of it. I am still anxious but not as anxious as i would have been pre-hard mode).
    - Really appreciate you no-fap bros and your inputs. Sometimes they are the only thing i have to give me added motivation to go on. Thanks all :)
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Awesome! :)

    No doubt it has benefitted you in huge ways. Once all the bullshit is over with the court case you will be on solid ground to really flourish. What am I talking about, you are already flourishing. In spite of this sword hanging over you, you are getting stuff done and doing things that affirm your soul.
    TheUnhappyFapper likes this.
  16. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Thanks Saville, always know how to cheer a brother up :) To be honest, this is only the middle part of the legal process here. It is the witness deposition part where basically they come forth and give their version of events. Thereafter, the judge decides on whether to accept their testimony and proceed with a trial. And even after the trial, there is sentencing which takes a while longer. So in all, this whole thing could drag on for another year or so. And after that, armed with a guilty verdict, my neighbours can then sue me for emotional damages which is another 2-3 years of court action. Hence why i would rather pay these people out.

    Day 35
    - Mood: 3/10

    - I woke up very anxious again today, weary of what potentially lay ahead. My lawyer was supposed to talk to my neighbours' lawyer to see whether they would be amenable to an out of court settlement. No word from her so i assume either nothing happened or these guys still want my head on a platter. All day my heart was pounding in anticipation of a call, only for none to come.
    - Was so tired come 5pm that i had to take a quick nap for what i thought was 10 minutes. Later turned out to be 45. Ended up missing going to church sadly.
    - Was about to skip going to gym as well but decided i needed the exercise to get my mind clear again. Went but because my blood was basically saturated with cortisol the whole day, was not able to squat (jsut didn't have the energy for it). So did some lighter movements. Nothing amazing.
    - Had some thoughts of sex with my ex and PMO again today. Given my circumstances, i know that my brain is trying hard to find some pleasure stimuli to help take the edge off so i can fend them off.

    Positive things done:
    - Got a surprise message from my dance instructor today to say she had a slot free on Tuesday at 1830 which i took up. Seems she has forgiven me some what.
    - Weight is down 2.2 kgs or 5lbs since the start of intermittent fasting 3 weeks back so was happy to see that. Man boobs have all but gone too.

    - Just happy today is over.
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  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Strength @TheUnhappyFapper on your road you are walking. Like @Saville said there is a lot of positive stuff happening here. I would say since we can't change yesterday, life is about learning from it and responding the best we can now, to set up a better tomorrow.
    TheUnhappyFapper likes this.
  18. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Amen to that Rudolf :)

    Day 36
    - Mood: 6/10

    - Woke up early today feeling really tired as a result of yesterday. Went down to the soup kitchen and did my usual thing there with the team. Always nice to be with them as they are a very supportive bunch of folks. Luck to have them as friends too.
    - We get a lot of tourists this way and seeing happy couples on vacation walking around hand in hand really hurt. Had some memories of my ex as a result.
    - After helping out, went and helped out with the Passion Play the local church is putting on for Easter. I play a Roman soldier. During the breaks, i chatted to that nice 23 year-old and we had some laughs.
    - Went out for a drive tonight to a lake in the mountains. Did some thinking there before heading back home at 7pm.

    Positive things done:
    - Besides the soup kitchen, not much really.

    - Nothing really. Just a nice day with distractions from life and work. Seeing how hard it is for some folks in this world right now helps put things into perspective.
    Rudolf Geyse and Saville like this.
  19. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    I really like your journal. Especially your dedication at writing down the positive notes for each day. As an outside observer, it's clear that you have healthy habits that are only getting more firmly rooted.
    TheUnhappyFapper likes this.
  20. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Many thanks realness :) The whole find-something-positive -each-day came from a guy i know of who was a recovering meth addict who lost everything - family, house etc - and who wanted to end his life. At the moment he had a gun in his mouth, he said he would not pull the trigger if he could find just one positive thing in his life. And although it was small and insignificant, it was something to cling to. And he rebuilt his life post-addiction around that one mantra of trying to find and do something good each day. It has really helped me on this journey given all the negative crap involved each day.

    Day 37:
    - Mood: 6/10

    - Woke up feeling pretty rested and happy it was a Saturday. I was invited to lunch with a buddy of mine i have been helping these last few months where he introduced me to his new girlfriend/soon-to-be wife. I have known this guy since he first arrived here and know how much he has suffered alone. So it was nice to see him finally happy and with someone who cares for him. At the same time, it also reminded me of what is lacking in my life, so bitter/sweet.
    - Spent the rest of the day alone cleaning up my apartment. Even managed to spend my Saturday night cleaning my disgusting toilet after six months of procrastination. I did feel a sense of accomplishment afterwards though.
    - Getting stronger sexual urges arise. Sometimes, a very strong porn scene or a thought of sex with my ex will suddenly appear in my head, and while it feels good, i try to suppress it. As a result, my subconscious is now making me think about going to escorts again and truth be told, given what i'm going through, i wouldn't care so long as its not PMO. But i'm trying to stay the course even though it's getting harder and harder. Lord help me.

    Positive things done:
    - Did 30 minutes of vocal exercises and another 30 minutes of basic bachata moves. Felt happy after both.

    - The sting of loneliness is slowly dissipating and i'm not so terrified of being alone. So i must make a conscious effort each day to make sure i can find a social outlet of some sort, even if only for a few minutes.
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