Hi guys, I'm no stranger to these forums having posted here 10 years ago about trying to quit porn and jerking off. Yes, i look back at the time when i started this thread - https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/my-nofap-journal-5000-pro™.150/ - and realise i have wasted another decade of my life on this miserable addiction. I feel so ashamed and looking back, i really want it to stop. My personal life is currently in shambles. I'm now 40 and alone and restarting this process to help get me out of this rut so i don't end up dying alone. In addition, i have a criminal lawsuit pending against me the stress of which i have to cope with on a daily basis which adds extra suffering to this ordeal. Until two weeks ago, quitting PMO didn't seem like such a big deal. It had dulled my senses to the extent that i no longer worried about my future because there was no future. And yet, after each session, there was this guilt, this worry about time passing me by - "Tomorrow i'll stop" - the usual addict's mantra. I've always wanted a significant other and a family of my own. In 2019, i managed to quit porn for three months. During that time, i met a 27 year old girl who i liked. We clicked and i was able to feel like a man again in bed. But it didn't last. She saw it as a fling, whereas i wanted to get married. I left and tried to move on but after almost 2 years those same feelings for her were still there, mostly because i had masked the hurt and sadness with PMO thus never dealing with any of it. Anyway, last week, i had to get in touch with her again because a certain country is bombing her country to hell. Selfishly, i thought i could win her back but she flat out rejected me. I was devastated and realised this whole time i had been living with a delusion all caused by porn. So here i am again. I'm on Day 13 of this whole withdrawal process and the side effects have never been more severe. I have struggled intensely with feelings of regret, emptiness, profound sadness and loneliness, and depression. I get headaches as well, cannot sleep for more than 4 hours, and have brainfog. Sometimes i just breakdown, cry and feel like killing myself it is so intense. The crap i went through in 2019 is nothing in comparison to this because here, i feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel in terms of meeting someone and that none of this will make a difference and that it is all too late for me. Still, there is a little voice inside of me telling me to keep going. I am catholic so i try to pray as much as i can amidst this anguish. God willing, this will be my journal for this voyage out of hell. I never want to go through this ever again. I just want my life back and to love again and be loved. I almost made it in 2019 (100 days) but threw it all away.. - Day 13 Mood: 2/10 Intense feelings of depression and regret again today. Intense loneliness and emptiness. No libido, no willingness to look at porn or to PMO. Today would have been my dad's birthday, and i feel so ashamed of what i have become and what he would have seen in me today. I will go out later this evening to spend time in church and then go to gym. I have also tried to organise a Saturday afternoon coffee meet up with some girls i know but they are hesitant thinking i am trying to pick them up for sex. It feels like being 14 years old again smh. One thing i have noticed is that making decisions during this period is very dangerous as my perception of people and events is very warped. When i reached out to my ex, i did so under the delusion that she would come running back to me only to suffer rejection later. I have to be careful. To add to my anxiety, next week, i have to reach out to my lawyer again to prep for my next court hearing. It is a horrible ordeal being in a court room in the dock. The stress and emotional suffering it puts you through is heavy. Two years of this crap and still no end in sight. Sometimes i wish i was never born.
- Day 14 Mood: 3/10 Again a difficult day peppered with very negative thoughts and feelings of emptiness, regret and despair. I volunteer at a homeless shelter on Fridays and usually that helps take my mind off things but today, no such luck. Seeing news of Ukraine makes it even harder as i then really want to reach out again to my ex again despite knowing that there is nothing there for me but more rejection. I guess in my heart of hearts, i still cling to the hope that what we had will magically come back even though i know it won't. Everything wa made worse by the prospect of having to start my court ordeal again next week by dealing with my lawyers. Positive things done: - Talked to my priest and my mom (not at the same time) about what i am going through and both have agreed to help me and are very supportive. My priest has agreed to be a sort of sponsor/spiritual director to help me on a week-by-week basis so i don;t feel completely alone. I was so overwhelmed that I started crying today when i told him about what i was going through - something i have never done in front of anyone in my life. I will see him again on Tuesday evening. - Chatted to a volunteer girl at the shelter today. Though just 23, we had a good rapport and it was nice to make her laugh. - Went to gym and tried talking to people who i would usually shun. Some success but may have just come across as an intrusive weirdo. Observations: - I need to start developing a better social outlet because as things grind on, i need some glimmer of hope that i'll meet someone new to help make this whole thing worthwhile. This is where i came unstuck in my previous reboots - always getting through the tough first few weeks but then succumbing to despair when i had no one to at least try flirt with. During my 2019 reboot, i even took up bachata and salsa dancing classes which i HATED with a passion as i have two left feet (not literally) and am just not a guy who dances. Still, its a good place to meet ladies so i may have to just suck it up.
Keep writing your thoughts out, bro. You've got a lot going on, but standing up for yourself in all ways makes everything easier. Ukraine is a mess, a tragedy, an outrage, but there's nothing we in the west can do about it, except be good to one another. As for your ex, she's not worth it, not at all. You pine for her because you feel stuck and lost and unworthy. Most men on this forum accept bullshit from women. There are amazing women out there who will treat you as the amazing person you are. But, first you have to decide that you are amazing. I read a quote the other day and it really struck me. It's a quote by a woman named Barbara Angelis: "you aren't sick, you're sacred." Here's another quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Another: "“Although the mind resists it, the fact is that like me, you have a choice between having the life you want or the reasons why you can’t. You can luxuriate in joy and peace, or you can continually be burdened by that big black bag full of all the sorrowful incidents and accidents that happened to you in your childhood or last relationship. You can endure your wounds or you can enjoy your glory. You can live the life of a victim, burdened by the traumas of your past, or you can live the life of a hero, but you can’t do both. If you want to feel empowered, you need to make a courageous decision to create a sacred dream and practice courage.” Alberto Villoldo
Many thanks Saville for your thoughts and comments. I really appreciate your input on this and your own journal is an inspiration After reading what you said, i spent today watching some reboot and PMO withdrawal videos on the RebootNation Youtube channel and one of the topics the guy discusses is how the process can trigger a craving for positive thoughts and memories which i guess, is what pushed me to start thinking about my ex and our time together. That said, today i was around town and so many places had a significance because of her that i had to leave. Like crystal-clear memories of her came flooding back and it physically hurt. - Day 15 Mood: 4/10 Today was so and so. Woke up at 730am again after just 4 hours of sleep only to again doze off at 900am until 1100am. I still felt exhausted for the rest of the day. Went out for coffee with those two women i mentioned on Day 13 at 3pm and it was OK. Truth be told, one of the girls was fun to chat with and the other - recently divorced - just seemed more stoic and cynical. Seemed to only want to talk about herself with no real interest in anything or anyone beyond that. Plus bragging about going wild with a bunch of guys post divorce, well, that was a big turn-off. I know this will sound dumb, but i had hoped to find some comfort in just talking to them - human contact is a critical part of the withdrawal healing process after all. But them just going on about drinking and banging guys just made feel well, uncomfortable. Anyway, i went off feeling depressed as in the back of my mind i still have this goal of finding the right person to settle down with and marry. But as a plus, the fun bubbly one messaged me afterwards to say she enjoyed seeing me again which made me feel happy. Sadly, she is planning to return to her home country soon so bummer, she would have been a good friend to have. Positive things done: - At lunch, I called up the dance instructor lady to ask about bachata/salsa lessons and to my utmost surprise, she actually remembered me from 3 years ago (i was only there for 2 lessons so my dancing was so awful that it left an indelible mark ). As she is a pretty cute blonde, it felt nice to hear that. I chatted with her for a bit and will likely start private lessons next Saturday for 1 hour. Hopefully, once i have the basics sorted, i will then be brave enough to join the full class and meet some new women. - Started doing intermittent fasting again after a 3 year hiatus - want to lose 10 kilos. - Went to Mass. I went to confession with my spiritual director and it was cathartic to just let go of more crap that has been sitting on my mind. Observations: - the need for human contact is intense - especially on weekends where i see some many people out and about and i feel left out. It is this that triggered thoughts of my ex which in turn triggered the depressive episode. I have to figure out a way to expand my social circle and to reimmunize myself against rejection i.e. not take it so personally and learn from it all.
- Day 16 Mood: 3/10 Had a restless night of minimal sleep. This time very vivid dreams of my ex, wherein i am invisible to her. Woke up after 4 hours of rest at 7am with a racing heart and severe sense of despondency and emptiness. Eventually dozed off again until 9am when i got up and did some work. During my PMO days, Sundays were a pleasure because the peace and quiet would allow me to get on with my tasks. Now the peace and quiet haunts me as it reminds me of my loneliness and isolation. Positive things done: - Went to see an Arab buddy of mine this evening for some human contact. He and his family are pretty badly off financially yet whenever i go there, they go out of their way to make me feel like a real guest of honour. I went down to the local bakery before arriving to pick up some nice pastries which were well received. We chatted a lot about our problems. I told him about mine and he his. His worries and problems really helped put mine into perspective. But at the same time, the whole meet up made me sad. Although they are a poor family, he is happily married to a good wife and has a 4 year old son who, despite being autistic, is the sweetest kid ever. And despite my buddy's problems, he is always welcoming to me and has time to chat. Said to come back again next Sunday for some more "coffee therapy" as he called it. God bless him. I'm lucky to have a friend like him in my life. Observations: - Aforementioned Arab buddy is a doctor by profession and he told me one of the things to do to help cope with depression and anxiety is to readjust my sleep cycle. At present, i get to bed around 2am and sleep around 3. As i work remotely, work only starts again at 1030am so there is too much temptation to mess around and get sloppy. I will try sort this out over the coming weeks. - Messed up intermittent fasting today by snacking on some of the pastries. I had wanted to avoid them but didn't want to offend my pal. - Starting to think about getting out of this country. It has too many bad memories and it really affects my mood going places (not only my ex). If only for my court case..
- Day 17 Mood: 5/10 Today was a public holiday and started off as it has the last 10 days - a short 4 hour sleep wherein i wake up with thoughts of my ex which immediately make me depressed. To get my mind off of those thoughts, i scrolled through my work mails for about 15 minutes before falling asleep again for another 2 hours. The rest of the morning i felt pretty sad before eventually breaking down and crying around lunch time. Not actual water works but just sobbing while being harrassed by all sorts of thoughts - some porn and others again to do with my ex. I then just put my hands together and asked Jesus for some help because it was just too much. I got up and went and sat down on my couch and just sat still with my head in my hands for about 10 minutes. After that, i felt better. The rest of the afternoon, post lunch went OK although still feeling sad. In the evening, i went for a walk and that helped clear my head. Positive things done: - Decided that this coming summer, i am going to find a place in Europe to stay for a month and go out wife hunting. A guy who works for me lives in the Baltics has said i can use his house while he and his wife are away. I called up another buddy of mine - a lothario - and asked if he would be my wingman and he agreed outright. Last time i was in the Baltics was during my first major no-fap streak in 2019 and i recall meeting a bunch of really cute girls there despite never managing to land any. So why not try again? OK its not necessarily a "positive" thing, but if does give me something to aim for this summer in terms of getting back in shape, and maintaining my no-fap/PMO. If i can make it to July/August and assuming Europe hasn't been blown to bits by Vlad, it will be a good chance to come out of my shell again and live like an extrovert. - One of my female co-workers today noticed i was very quiet and checked up on me which was really sweet of her. She and i have a good rapport but apparently not to the extent where i can dump on her. I mean, what is the point of asking "What's wrong?" if you don't actually want to know? Maybe she's just mindful of professional boundaries? - No gym tonight so instead of slacking off, i did some push ups, farmers walks, and all followed up by a good 2km walk. Also managed to resist snacking afterwards so will power is also growing in light of the development in #1. Observations: - Am starting to see when the thought storms are about to happen - those moments when your brain starts looking for some source of dopamine so it starts conjuring up "happy" memories. For me, it always of my ex and i which causes alot of pain. I have to put alot of effort in getting them out of my head before they run away and trigger a depressive episode. - Libido coming back although again, usually to thoughts of my ex and of porn. gah..
- Day 18 Mood: 5/10 Managed to get some decent sleep today - about 5.5 hours in first go before waking up and confronting reality again. Still, thoughts of my ex crop up and still they require a conscious effort to dispel. Morning wood is returning which i try to suppress by thinking of something else. Not very motivated for work - some brain fog and general lethargy. I have to spend the whole day going through news reports from around the world and the region which gets the most airtime now is of course Ukraine. Although this does trigger some anxiousness, i am slowly coming to terms with the fact it is over and can't communicate with her ever again. Positive things done: - Went to see my priest this evening for a sponsor like meeting. I told him all about what i have gone through these past several days - the depression, suicidal thoughts, hopelessness etc and he helped me with some guidance and thoughts on how to approach the recovery overall from a spiritual view. You know, verbalising your problems to a sympathetic ear really helps because then you hear yourself define your situation - it isn't just a bunch of abstract thoughts in your head. And especially with something as socially gross as PMO, it felt good to be able to admit i have a problem to someone else. Again some crying because of the regret i felt. - Went to gym and did 45 minutes of cardio afterwards. Came home feeling better than when i left. - In June, my company is organising a massive Summer get together for all of us from around the world (around 40 people) so i am really looking forward to that. Added motivation to get in shape.
Good! Women like that are not worth it, because they are incapable of truly loving. We move forward only. Recovery is an action. Sounds like you've got some great energy coursing through you.
Thanks for the positive reinforcement Saville. Truth be told, it has been very hard coming to terms with this all. During my days of PMO, our breakup made sense because i saw her for what she was - manipulative - which made it easier for me to leave. In fact, i wasn't really that affected by the whole break-up on an emotional level. But PMO withdrawal has really forced me to relive it all with a very warped perception of everything. Somehow the need to relive happy moments has become crucial to my brain's workings and it has brought forward some very painful 'happy' memories that are now tinged with regret and longing. - Day 20 (recounted the days and was actually one short) Mood: 1/10 Complete flatline today. Last night, after writing about coming to terms with not communicating with my ex ever again, i realised i still had not removed her from my Telegram or Whatsapp. Going about doing it, however, proved very hard. I had kept our Telegram conversation as a record of the happy times we had together and honestly, i had secretly hoped one day she would get back in touch. So deleting it all really reinforced the notion of never hearing from her again - finality. And it was a tough decision to make. I did it eventually, but that then triggered another depressive episode at 1am. I slept for a few hours and woke up this morning feeling miserable. It was like being forced to relive our break-up 2 years ago. Mind racing, depression, suicidal thoughts, headache, and an intense feeling of loneliness all quickly followed like an avalanche. My God, today was the worst storm yet.. Positive things done: - Because i had slept so little, my energy was near 0 the whole day. At lunch i tried to nap, but again thoughts of my ex kept cropping up and jolted me awake. So no gym sadly. - At around 3pm i was feeling terrible with a panic attack in full swing. But at that moment, my co-worker - the girl who always asked me how i am but never wants to pry - called me out of the blue just to chat and tell me some of her good news. A prayer answered i tell you. Just having someone to talk to in that moment made it bearable. And the sad thing is, my colleague will never know how much i value her calls to chat. - Went out for a drive to a deserted harbour town about 30 minutes up the coast tonight just to get out of my apartment which now feels like a prison. Sat on a hill looking down and did some thinking. Well, more brooding than thinking. I also saw the moon come out from behind some massive thunderclouds and shone down on the sea. It was amazing. For 30 minutes it got my mind off everything. Then back to prison..
Strength to you @TheUnhappyFapper . What a tough road to walk. I'm so glad as @Saville said earlier that you are putting down your thoughts here. Anything to help you cope and process your thoughts in a better way. There is a stigma against depression, the world expects us just to cope, "be a man," "snap out of it" - real men struggle though. Keep on keeping on, you can do it, one day at a time, you will get there. Something Christianity has that no other worldview has is "imago Dei" - the image of God, in which we are made. It means you are meaningful, you have value, intrinsically. I hope you can work through this incredibly difficult patch and begin to find enjoyment in your life.
This is huge! The only way to deal with women like that is no-contact. We have to sever all the ties that bind. If she ever gave you anything you should get rid of that too. Why not tell her? You don't have to have an ulterior motive to tell someone that their call was really important to you and helped you get through a bit of a rough patch.
Thank you Rudolph for your kind words and motivation! With this whole withdrawal ordeal, it's hard to come to terms with how heavy the depression that hits you is and how it impacts your sense of self worth. I have tried to explain it to people, but none really understand what it is like, especially when you are a person who appears content, cheerful, and self-assured on the outside (which is what i try to mask my anguish with so no one pities me). Thanks too Saville. I really appreciate your encouragement on the female front. Regarding the riding of things associated with my ex, i have a few things that she gave me that i see use everyday. Funny how during PMO, these things were meaningless to me, now suddenly each time i see them, they literally hurt to touch. Only one problem though is my cat which my ex got for me. Even though she really triggers memories of my ex, she is actually a lifesaver as she is always happy to see me, and always shows affection when she sees i am depressed and miserable. Regarding my co-worker, i do want to tell her how much her calls have meant to me. But the problem is, we have never met each other face to face (thank you Covid restrictions grrr), so i would like to wait until i actually meet her in person in June to tell her i enjoy her company. - Day 21 Mood: 2/10 Same crap today. 4-5 hours of sleep, wake up feeling like crap, empty, and lonely. I find a silent room now terrifies me and so i need to have the TV on in the backround to create the illusion i'm not alone and therefore relax my mind (usually have Seinfeld episodes queued up as imagining myself in Jerry's apartment while they talk BS somehow relaxes me and helps me sleep - weird i know). A few waves of depression washed over me at odd times today. One just before lunch, another in the afternoon, and then the last in the evening/at gym. The one at lunch i tried to remedy by calling the dance teacher for a bachata lesson on Saturday night. She seemed happy to hear me call back, but then again that could be because she just wants the $$$. Positive things done: - As just mentioned, made the booking for my Saturday night dance session 1-on-1. Step 1. - Went to spend an hour in church tonight just to escape my apartment. It was OK and brought me some relief. But being there triggered another depressive episode as i was seated by a young family - mom, dad, 4 kids. All so happy and playful with each other. It reminded me of what i have been missing in my life. - Helped a buddy out with a few bucks. - Helped take this lady home from church despite it being far out of my way. On the way back in the car, i really felt alone and depressed. I didn't want to go home to confront this wave of negativity so went to the gym instead. - Went to gym for 35 minutes of cardio. The high intensity helped clear away the depressive episode but i still went home feeling like crap. - Still doing intermittent fasting (even yesterday). What i would like to have, is that even if a day is shit and i feel like crap, at least i can say i followed my diet correctly (which is already a major achievement alone). Observations: - No urge for porn at all these past few weeks. At gym, they have these massive TV screens showing fitness bunnies doing workouts in bikinis and booty shorts and honestly, i just look away in disgust. What worries me is that there will come a time when the sadness and depression lifts and things don;t look so bad. That is when i am likely to again see strong urges for XXX. With the last no PMO streak, it came after 4 months (and one month of getting laid regularly) which really shocked me as i was so unprepared; i thought i had this crap beat.So far, the regret of what i have done and failed to do has been a massive motivator to not want to look at porn. But even that will one day run out. I hope by then my will power will be strong enough to resist.
I don't think you have to worry about feeling good. You're doing the right things. Healing takes places when we take care of ourselves. Everything in proportion. A bit of eating better, a little bit of exercise, some spiritual investment, some music listening, and some giving ourselves, like you did when you gave that lady a ride home. The clouds do lift and then you're in for a great life!
Absolutely Saville, it's just the waiting that is the crappy bit Day 22: Mood: 7/10 - Yes today wasn't so lousy after all. While i did the whole thing of 4 hours sleep, waking up with awful thoughts, and then dozing off again to Seinfeld, the day gradually got better. Despite the freezing cold and a gusting wind, I went to the soup kitchen to volunteer as per usual. Given the circumstances, it didn't really do anything for me. Gone are the days of feeling warm and fuzzy inside because of helping others. Until recently, i did it because it helped break the monotony of my very dull life which revolved around work, gym, and fapping. Added to that, the place is near a lighthouse where my ex and i had some special memories so it was hard being there for too long. - Around 3pm we finished up and that 23 year old girl from last week pitched up again and seemed eager to want to chat. Nice to not feel invisible again. Then we did a table read for an Easter play and afterwards, two women came up to me to say i have a nice voice. That really felt nice - a real release of dopamine for the right reasons this time i'm happy so say. - Went home feeling happy for the first time in 2 weeks. Immediately went and tried to catch some sleep as i was exhausted. Later i went to gym and made good progress given my happier disposition. Positive things done: - Reconfirmed my salsa lesson for tomorrow night. Looking forward to a 1-on-1 with the instructor even though i know she is a cold professional. - Given the feedback from the play rehearsal, i want to restart singing again. About 10 years ago, i was training to be an opera singer but had to give it all up when my Dad (RIP) passed away. After that, everything ended and i had forgotten how much music really meant to me and still means to me. So this next week i will try find an accompanist to help me get my voice back in shape. Observations: - When you suffer from depression, good human contact is welcome - especially physical touch. As she was walking out tonight, the 23 year old girl gave me a caress on the shoulders to say goodbye (i was sitting down in front of her). Bless her, she'll never know how much that small gesture meant to me in that moment.
It's a gift to have a voice. It's great to hear that you want to restart that part of your life. We all need that "thing" that pulls our guts and gives our life purpose.
Yes absolutely, Saville. Each day that goes by i rediscover some talent/passion i had that i had forgotten about or neglected and it gives me more drive to succeed with this whole recovery thing. Day 23 - Mood: 7/10 - The day started off as usual. Disjointed sleep, memories of my ex, and feelings of loneliness and loss. But, i did have a very strong sex dream (no wet dream) - the first i have had in many years. Was very vivid. - Given today is Saturday, i had only one social activity planned - in the evening. As such, i spent the day alone and it was uncomfortable to say the least. No real depressive episodes, but the need for socialisation was there. I decided to clean my apartment - somewhat - as a distraction. - At around 3pm, i glanced at my phone and lo and behold, there was a message from one of those girls i went to coffee with last week telling me she had gotten a new job and would be leaving at the end of the month. Pity, she was fun to be with and we have good chemistry. She said she wanted to meet for a drink before she goes, so that was nice. - This evening i went to the dance class 1-on-1 and it was awesome. Very nice teacher who was very patient and being able to hold a girl's hand again and control our movements together was also rewarding. - While waiting for my dance session at 7.30pm, i watched my teacher doing salsa with another student - a tall brunette in yoga pants. When it ended the student came over and we struck up a very brief conversation. Honestly, i was so unprepared for it that in retrospect i should have asked her for her name and number. Grr. When walking out, she turned back to smile and say see you next time. I tell you i felt like i was on cloud 9 guys and immediately began imagining our future lives together/marriage/babies etc . My teacher told me her name but that she doesn't come to the same lesson each week. Bummer. Oh well, i used to think talk about no-fap aura with women was BS but damn, it seems there may be some veracity to it after all. Went home feeling like a boss. Positive things done: - rearranged my living room and work space to reflect my change in mindset (just moved my desk to the opposing wall). Previous one reminded me too much of my fap days. - after dance class, i did some cooking (something i used to love to do before getting lazy and moving to take out) and made a mushroom, red onion, and leek frittata for tomorrow's lunch.
thanks man! it really did feel good Day 24 - Mood: 5/10 - Given yesterday's events, i went to bed feeling happy and as such, managed to get some decent shut eye. And even though the 4 hour sleep cycle thing is still there, this morning, instead of thoughts of my ex, i had thoughts of the brunette. Another sex dream followed which i tried to stop by not sleeping on my stomach. - Went to Mass at 12pm today where i knew there would be a lot of people and lo and behold, the bubbly blonde from last week coffee was there. We chatted and she told me she wanted to do coffee again this week. So i have one good social event planned for this week to look forward to. - Other than that, i had to spend today working and even though i was alone, there wasn't any depressive wave to report on - thank God. My head was still thinking about dance-class brunette which, although a relief from being miserable about my ex, did give me strong fantasies. Those i managed to nip in the bud as them combined with me being in front of the computer was where it all went wrong in the past. - Went out for a drive to the deserted harbour town tonight. Bitterly cold but with a full moon. Did some good thinking and recollection up there before coming home. Positive things done: - Chatting to bubbly blonde and making her laugh was good today. I get the distinct feeling she wants to let her guard down around me following our last chat where we had a good heart to heart. Not anything sexual, just less defensive. Observations: - i have to be careful now as the recovery pendulum has now swung into happy territory and that is where i usually screw up; euphoria leading to a need for a release. Anyway, i'll enjoy being happy while it lasts as i know once the depression comes back, i'll miss it.
Day 25 - Mood: 5/10 - Sleep has begun to return to normal, although i am having more and more sex dreams. And the problem with that is that my ex keeps popping up in them and then when i wake up, reality comes crashing back down, and i feel sad. But today wasn't too bad given that it was work all day ergo i was behind my laptop all day in isolation. - I had to actively fight off thoughts of my ex creeping back in. While i have started to come to terms with the fact i'll never see her again, i still find myself reminiscing and when i do i realise it, i try to put those thoughts out of my head immediately. Not sure if it was a depression-induced delusion, but i really had to fend off an urge to check my social media accounts to see if she had contacted me. Sometimes i wish i didn't have to do this no-fap/PMO thing as i never had to deal with these stupid thoughts after we broke up. Even at the time of doing so, i still remember in my heart knowing that what i was doing was right. I knew why i had to leave and basically got on with life. Yet, 2 years on, my dopamine-starved head and heart are now trying to tell me that i made a mistake. Argh! Get behind me Satan! - Most of the day was spent like that. I went to gym this evening and was surprised i had so much energy. Felt focussed and stronger and even got out ahead of schedule. No-fap super powers strike again. Positive things done: - Did 30 minutes of vocal exercises at lunch. Voice is pretty rusty and will need some work, but range is still there. Sadly didn't have time for practicing dance moves. Will try do those tomorrow. Observations: - I hate being alone now. I feel time really passing by and have this incredible urge to want to go out and talk to people lest i feel like i am wasting my life even more. Must also learn to control these urges as well. - The prospect of my court case continues to cast a shadow over me and really makes being positive about the future difficult. Lord i pray this thing goes away and these people just leave me alone. I have suffered so much these past few years.
Day 26: - Mood: 6/10 - Same routine again today. Woke up after 5 hours of sleep to thoughts of my ex. Then dozed off again. A weird observation, but if i sleep on my back, i have very vivid dreams that seem intensely real. I therefore try to doze on my side even if it is uncomfortable. Lying on my stomach is a no-no because it triggers sex dreams. - Day wasn't so bad. Loneliness did seep in as did reminisces of my ex. I am now at the stage where i am rediscovering her faults (as opposed to mine) and using that as a pretext to dismiss thoughts of her. Still, it hurts when i think of how she shut me down earlier this month and it'll take a while for it to stop hurting overall. - Went to gym tonight to do 45 minutes of cardio. Saw a girl there i actually bumped into yesterday and as we walking towards each other, she looked at me but eh, didn't have the cojones to even say hi. Bummer. Positive things done: - Went to spend 45 minutes with my priest this evening and it was again very cathartic. The guy is slightly older than me so it's easier to relate to him. It felt good also to get a lot of crap off my chest that i have been struggling with of late. When i told him about my struggles with loneliness and isolation, the advice he gave me was to fight one battle at a time i.e. first focus on fixing this addiction by replacing the fap sessions with positive activities, as well as healing from my ex, before thinking about finding someone longterm - which i agree with. - Did 30 minutes of bachata dance moves in a cold and ark corner of the gym. Man i felt very self conscious standing in front of the mirror having to see myself bumping to the beat. But i like the challenge of it all. Also, the fact i have to confront my body image gives me extra incentive to stick to my diet, which i have been doing - thank God - and to train lagging bodyparts. - That said, add "stuck to my diet" as a positive thing done. Observations: - Nothing mind blowing today. Things seem to be settling down a bit more on the emotional side, although i am now seeing a resurgence in fantasies (which i try nix as soon as they appear) as a result.
