2.0 - Rather Than Trying to Resist PMO, Trying to Learn to Appreciate How I Feel w.o PMO

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by blufalco2.0, Sep 30, 2017.

  1. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Today is day 6 of my second serious reboot attempt. This time, I am going to try to frame my journey as appreciating how much more alive and connected NOT PMOing allows me to feel.

    I made it ~87 days on a prior serious reboot attempt. I am calling this the 2nd serious reboot since I am journeling again. Last time, a person who commented on my posts ended up becoming a friend and he greatly helped me through my journey. I wish I could say I helped him as well, but I think he relapsed a few times and then we lost contact.

    Anyways, I'm rambling a bit. Bottom line is, sometimes I don't know what the deal is. I don't think of myself as a handsome guy. I'm rather short, average shape. And perhaps I am imagining things. But my god, if I don't feel different when I stop PMOing. I was talking with these guys who work at my apartment's property management office yesterday and I had them in stitches. Today I was at a bar, and again, it could completely be my imagination but two girls seemed to really vibe with me. I got both their numbers at the end of the night. I also swear, the waitress was giving me looong looks.

    Whether it's placebo or not, one thing that I am trying to frame differently this journey vs the last one I tried when I was ~26/27 is this is NOT about refraining from doing something. This is about ENJOYING how alive and connected I feel when I CUT THIS SHIT OUT OF MY LIFE.

    That's all for now, good night and best of luck to anyone on this journey
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2017
    staythecourse and mailboxsam like this.
  2. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Welcome back, and all the best on this renewed journey.
     
  3. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Thanks mailboxsam!

    Day 8 here. C:0 PL:0 M:7. C = Cravings | PL = Physical Libido | M = Mood

    Went to a bbq today. A lot of good vibes. Got a text from the girl I met on Friday. However, based on her facebook wall, there's definitely another guy at the bar who's also targeting her, and he might have an edge on me.

    What I need to always keep in mind, and hopefully typing it out here will remind me of this is: the reward for this journey is not any one girl. It's life itself. When I refrain and keep my energy within me, I feel much more connected with life, feel like I have much more vitality, etc etc.
     
  4. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Day 8: C:0 PL:0 M:7

    Everything is pretty steady. Not PMOing is starting to feel less weird. Like, before not PMOing felt like I was skipping a normal thing so not PMOing felt like something was missing in my life. Now, it's starting to feel less noticeable, which is nice
     
  5. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Day 10. C:0 PL:2 M:6

    Overall life is going pretty well I'd say. Work is good, social life seems like there's a couple things happening. However, body is starting to do some weird stuff. I'm pretty sure I dreamed about masturbating last night and when I woke up my penis was pretty swollen. Not full blown morning wood but definitely some blood flow down there. Also, kinda weird and potentially TMI but when I pee, it feels like there's leakage after I finish peeing? I read something about this being somewhat. Accidentally saw some triggers today on site which annoyed me. Must keep it off my mind
     
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  6. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    C:2 PL:2 M:5

    Sleep has been really fitful / bad. Yesterday I got really horny as I was trying to fall asleep. I managed to resist the urge to MO, but I stayed up till ~2am. The next night (last night) I fell asleep super early (9pm) but bc it was something my body wasn't used to, I woke up at 1am and couldn't fall asleep the rest of the night As a result, I was really unfocused at work. I also felt like I couldn't see anything, which hopefully is a temporary thing purely due to my lack of sleep. If the bad sleep goes on, I don't know what I'm going to do. It's really uncomfortable.
     
  7. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    C:2 PL:2 M:6 Sleep is coming easier. I find that I'm more disciplined this time around about fighting off fantasies before they become fully blown. I also realize I only really fantasize at night. An interesting observation for me.

    I had a personal setback last night as this girl I was texting seemed to suddenly stop texting me. But I didn't feel too worked about it, and I was happy when I realized it didn't endanger what I am trying to do.

    However, I am still at odds with myself. On the weekends, part of me wants to go out and socialize. But part of me wants to stay in and not worry about that stuff, just unwind and recharge my batteries. I am trying to find the right balance between the 2, because I definitely need recharge weekends. But ironically if I have too many weekends staying in and recharging, I'll prob end up very depressed. It feels like I'm making so many investments in myself, which is great but also taxing. I also feel like a bit of a pansy lol bc this really isn't that hard, I'm just making it out to be. Boo hoo, I have to go out and interact with people. Gah...being introverted sucks
     
  8. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Tonight sneaky evil thoughts are rampant in my head. Mostly like, whats the big deal with PMOing... It seems unlikely I'll find a girl I'm really into and want to marry so if I cant have that why not have PMO.

    Probably will survive but this weekend I passed on an opportunity to have casual sex and it seems like a stupid thing to have done.

    Instead I'm going out and trying to meet up with girls I like but am not sure how they feel about me. Bahhh
     
  9. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    C:0 PL:3 M:6 Day 17

    So far so good. Nothing too eventful on the no-PMO journey.

    Otherwise personally, went for a date with this girl I'll call N on Sunday. We hung out from 630 - 1030pm, and had a good night kiss at the end. The problem is I'm still not sure where I stand with her. She's sporadic with texting back. The fantastic part (sorta) for me is anytime I make progress with a girl, my interest wanes a little. Most of the time, I definitely like the pursuit more than the girl. I'm trying to continue to develop my own self awareness and enjoy this process of not being sure what's going to happen, since I may not actually like her that much if I finally win her over. Again, stupid/irrational of me but meh, that's me for now
     
  10. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Day 19 C:0 PL:5 M:7

    So last night and this morning I woke up with pretty good erections without actually being horny. It felt really nice. At the office today, this girl who I sometimes talk to, we ran into each other in the hallway and I could not get her to shut up talking to me lol. I mean that in a good way, she's attractive but has a bf so I don't think it's anything but I figure maybe even girls in relationships feel a different pull. Likely, not saying she would ditch her boyfriend for me, but am saying that her response to me today was very different than her typical demeanor to me.

    Also MAJOR HELPFUL TIP TO MYSELF: IF YOU SUPPRESS FANTASIES BEFORE THEY DEVELOP, THIS WHOLE JOURNEY IS SO MUCH EASIER
     
  11. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Day 20 C:0 PL:3 M:6

    Girls are pretty fickle, which is not a new lesson for me. Gonna try to appreciate all the other opportunities not PMOing has brought me rather than focusing on hedonism now that my lead horse has seemingly disappeared.
     
  12. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Day 23 C:0 PL:2 M:7

    Couple thoughts: (1) my streak saved me this weekend. I was gonna PMO but then I thought, I'm only 20 days in but those were 20 fucking hard days at the beginning. Fuck it, I'm kinda deep into this, let's see if I can make it to 90 again and fix my fucking life. Second thought: semi related to the one above. Different days I pull on different things to keep myself going. Today I realized, if I gave in this weekend, I'd basically be giving in all the time. I don't like myself as much when I'm PMOing. This is kind of an all or nothing type deal. The first couple days are always hard so why mess things up right now when they're not hard bc you'll put yourself through the same shit over again. I'm guess what I'm saying is I'm seeing the other side of the bridge: I am for sure gonna try another 90 day reboot at some point. If I'm already on it, why mess it up and have to put myself through day 3 - 6 all over again. I couldn't sleep and it was so difficult to get traction.
     
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  13. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Lol at the streak saving you!
     
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  14. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Day 24 C:0 PL:2 M:5

    Mood is flattening out. Doubt is creeping in. Thoughts running through my head stuff like "why keep fighting it" or "how much harm can you really do with 1 day". Truthfully, this is something I don't understand. If an alcoholic goes through a program, and can limit himself to 1 or 2 drinks a week for the rest of his life, is he still an alcoholic? Does he still have a problem?

    Still hanging on for now...
     
  15. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Day 25 C:5 PL:0 M:4

    Things are starting to get more difficult. I am definitely getting stronger cravings now. Today I saw a girl in yoga pants and thought about PMOing to her later...and then I realized how sad that sounded. Damn...

    On the plus side, I noticed her look my way, and her gaze definitely lingered...Need to keep working on myself. Even if I don't end up with a super hot girl bc of my personal hangups, it's nice to get the attention. I have some fear that I'll relapse this weekend but my weekend has some social activities already slated so hopefully I should be pretty good. Gonna go hit the gym now.

    Had a thought on whether it's possible to PMO "in a healthy" way - I think it is. However, my opinion is a little complicated. I think if a person PMOs 1x every 2 weeks or so, it's fine. However, the problem is it's easy to go from every two weeks >> every week >> every day. So I think the issue is it's harder to refrain from doing it every 2 weeks than to try to cut it out completely. So the only solution then is to try to never to do it.
     
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  16. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Thats a victory right there!
     
  17. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    You are almost at 30 days... one month... big milestone.

    I understand your complicated answer to “can I PMO in a healthy way”.
     
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  18. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Day 27 ML:6 PL:0 M:6

    So my balls have been really sore recently. I finally took a cold shower. IT WORKS, COLD SHOWERS ARE AMAZING AT REDUCING BLUE BALLS. I wrote this in all caps so I remember this for myself.

    While these past couple days have been really hard (I think about sex a lot), I also have been feeling really proud of myself that I am staying clean

    Day 28 ML:4 PL:0 M:7

    So tonight made a new cool guy friend, and potentially someone who might become something down the line altho she might end up with the guy I met as well. However, I'm feeling better tonight bc I feel like I'm getting close to a circle of folks, and hopefully will grow closer with them as I continue to spend time in my new city
     
  19. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    I t
    I think this is the key..making friends..you put yourself in situations to meet a girl. Let alone the incredible bonus of friendship. The more "at bats" you have the better your chances. Keep up the good work and sobriety.
     
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  20. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Day 29 ML:3 PL:5 M:7

    Been getting morning boners again, which is nice.

    On personal front, lots of ups and downs but right now I'm able to appreciate the average. And the average is higher than it was before. As Girl N went out of the picture as a possibility, I connected with Girl H on a dating app. We were supposed to meet up today but she ended up having to work today. We rescheduled for this week. Hopefully it'll go well, we shall see. Either way tho, this morning I realized I care way more about my fitness/appearance than I did before. Which is fucking awesome. Winners want to be around other winners, I gotta stay on this reboot course so I have the juice to keep making myself into a winner
     

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