18 years old about to turn 19, very depressive/hopeless/anxious/ JOURNEY

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by hijacker95, Jul 30, 2014.

  1. hijacker95

    hijacker95 New Member

    I started masturbating when I was about 11 turning 12 to some pictures I found on the internet. I started watching porn every day at the age of 13 on wards, I've had a really bad struggle my whole life with my family relations ( Mom is an alcoholic, father left me but nowadays he tries to help me). I've always had this huge desire to make something really good of my life and that's to help people because I know what I've been through. I have very little desire for material needs but I really wanna improve myself to the better, but I've been feeling down for the most of my teenage years. I had couple girlfriends and the longest time I was with a girl was around 9 months, but I really didn't get anything out of it or could please her because I masturbated 3-8 times a day every day. She even asked me if I was depressed because I never wanted to see her friends, I rarely hung out with my friends anymore ( We just drank sometimes at the weekends and so). So my life was pretty much made of Junk food/ video games/excessive porn/drugs. Then I just snapped and all I wanted was to get better and analyze what could be causing all my symptoms like Lack of motivation/Exhaustion/social anxiety/health anxiety/no desire to workout/no desire to socialize/tension headaches/ED/restless/insomnia etc. Then about 3 months ago I found out about this porn addiction thing / no fap movement and I could relate most of my symptoms for sexual exhaustion. I was using porn really heavily to cope with my depression / sadness / loneliness / anxiety. All I wanted was to quit masturbating, but man that was the hardest thing I could ever imagine doing, I had no motivation for anything and no one to look up to because of my past. So I figured out this journey was only going to be me myself finding that motivation and discipline to accept porn was the problem in my life and I had to let it go. I did build up some good motivation like I never had before, man I was wrong. at First I could not even go 2 days without fapping I was desperate, restless, insomnia etc. I relapsed and binged and watched porn harder than ever before. eventually I just said to myself it's impossible and then went back to the habit. But what changed? I was more aware why I used porn to cope with my depression / sadness. I started again, with really good motivation man I was wrong again, I had many 2-5 days streaks but always relapsed and binged and felt even shittier then before. Eventually I made it to 3 weeks of no fap / no porn / no sexual images / fantasies at 6.7 2014. Which then ended at 27.7 2014. Now I have been using porn excessively after my relapse and feel EVEN SHITTIER than before. I did notice some benefits, I had the desire to improve myself, be conscious about my negative acts / thoughts, wanting to exercise, eat healthier, huge motivation boost to change my life and wanted to socialize more. I lost that momentum because of the relapse and now I truly see how addicted I am, but everything is gone. I've come to this forum to make a journal about my attempt to become sober of my nasty porn addiction hoping together we can make it? I need to change my life man and starting today I will succeed. Back to day 1 bro stronger than ever before. Peace.
     
  2. hijacker95

    hijacker95 New Member

    Day 1: Nothing special here, yesterday I just said to myself no matter how many times I relapse binged and so on, this time I did not think " Well, I start at the beginning of august" I started there RIGHT now. No urges today, pretty much just forgot about fapping totally. Normally I would of fapped like 4 times already.
     
  3. hijacker95

    hijacker95 New Member

    Day 3: Well, I relapsed. I'm still recovering badly from my binge session after being 3 weeks clean. Really really hard not to give into those urges since I have ADD, back to 0. Still becoming more aware of the emotional triggers / thoughts etc.. Didin't fap to porn tho.
     
  4. TheHighRiser

    TheHighRiser Shaman, take my hand.

    No pro bro! Keep it up!
     
  5. SalmonRoll

    SalmonRoll New Member

    Good work on 3 weeks man- shows improvement, be proud.
    Try not to focus on the ADD stuff so as not to make it an excuse.

    My attention span was always pretty poor but I found good improvement in meditation.
    The book http://www.amazon.co.uk/Teach-Yourself-Meditate-exercises-Exercises/dp/0749913282 helped me a lot.
     
  6. John32

    John32 Member

    3 weeks is a great streak you should be proud, even I haven't made it that far yet (kinda pathetic), dont' beat yourself up or give up now you are clearly making progress try and fight those urges off I know its hard but try. Good luck
     

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